The Best Jokes I've Heard

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"The joke is on you if you don't buy this book."
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"Blankenship has an uncanny sense of humor ...
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The Best Jokes I've Heard

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Overview

Imagine these endorsements...
"The joke is on you if you don't buy this book."
Jay Leno
"Blankenship has an uncanny sense of humor that crosses all boundaries of fun.
Everyone will laugh hysterically at these jokes."
David Letterman
"There is no doubt that this is the funniest collection of jokes ever - I say ever -
compiled. Buy it!"
Jimmy Kimmel
"Laughter is a constant vacation. Take the best vacation of your life for less than thirty dollars."
Mary Lou Whitty
"When I read this book, I must have laughed a thousand times. The humor here is global in perspective, and Douglas Blankenship is dead center with this book. It has to be a best seller, no doubt."
Mary Lou Cook
United States Marines
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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9781477231869
  • Publisher: AuthorHouse
  • Publication date: 9/25/2012
  • Pages: 648
  • Product dimensions: 6.00 (w) x 9.00 (h) x 1.43 (d)

Read an Excerpt

The Best Jokes I've Heard

Volume 3
By Douglas Blankenship

AuthorHouse

Copyright © 2012 Douglas Blankenship
All right reserved.

ISBN: 978-1-4772-3186-9


Chapter One

For Starters

A man shocked by how his is buddy is dressed, asked him, "How long have you been wearing that bra?"

The friend replies, "Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment."

* * *

A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He's telling a blonde joke, when a young platinum haired beauty jumps to her feet.

"What give you the right to stereotype blondes that way?" she demands. "What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?"

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.

"You keep out of this!" she yells. "I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee."

* * *

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. "Will I die?" she asks.

God says, "No, you have 30 more years to live."

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she's in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks unbelievably great.

The day she is discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed.

Up in heaven she sees God, "You said I had 30 more years to live," she complains.

"That is true." replied God.

"So what happened?"

God Shrugs, "I didn't recognize you."

* * *

Every ten years the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words.

Ten years go by and it's one monk's first chance, He thinks for a second before saying, "FOOD BAD."

Ten years later he says , "BED HARD."

A decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, "I QUIT".

"I'm not surprised" the head monk says, "you've been complaining ever since you got here."

* * *

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads, "Talking dog for sale."

Intrigued, he walks in, "So what have you done with your life?" he asks the dog.

"I've had a very full life says the dog. I've lived in the Alps, rescued avalanche victims, I served my country in Iraq, and now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home."

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog's owner, "Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?"

The owner says, "Because he's a liar! He never did any of that."

* * *

Two hunters are out in the woods, when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other whips out his cell phone and dials 9-1-1. "I think my friend is dead!" He yells. "What can I do?"

The operator says, "Calm down. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence. Then a shot.

Back on the phone, he says, "OK, now what."

* * *

A turtle is crossing the road when he is mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened.

The shaken turtle replies, "I don't know. It all happened so fast."

* * *

A man is walking in a graveyard when he hears the Third Symphony playing backwards. When it's over the Second Symphony also starts playing backwards, and then the First.

"What's going on?" he asks the cemetery worker.

"It's Beethoven" says the worker, "he's decomposing."

* * *

A poodle and a collie were talking when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend, "My life is a mess," he says. "My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I am as jittery as a cat."

"Why don't you go and see a psychiatrist?" suggested the collie.

"I can't," says the poodle, "I'm not allowed On the couch."

* * *

COOKING WOES

Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch.

She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauce again.

That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the guests volunteered to answer it. Becky's face dropped as the guest called out, "It's the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out."

* * *

CYNICAL MEANINGS

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.

Divorce: Future tense of marriage.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either."

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine water power ...

Dictionary: A place where success comes before work. Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

* * *

NEW ACCOUNTANT

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty thousand."

"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

* * *

THE BUM

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.

"Will you use it to gamble?"

"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"

"Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf."

* * *

NAUGHTY CAT

Signs that your cat is hanging around with the wrong crowd:

• One day, without your permission, he gets his ears pierced.

• Your credit card is overcharged, mainly for 9-Lives.

• You find attached to the refrigerator a note that reads: "Leave a steak on the front porch at midnight, or you'll never see Spot again."

• Too many times a week your cat comes home after one in the morning, totally plastered and with a strong odor of catnip about him.

• You come home to catch him in the act of raiding your liquor cabinet.

• Several hundred dollars' worth of phone calls appear on your phone bill to "1-900-PUSSYCAT-MEOW."

• You find out that the lifetime supply of cat food wasn't a prize from "Kitten's Life" magazine, but that your cat has been selling drugs in the neighborhood.

• After failing to get your attention with constant meows and by rubbing up against your leg, your cat pulls out his Magnum-44 and aims it at you, demanding "Friskies" and catnip.

* * *

ENGLAND'S WEST COUNTRY

England's West Country is known for its charming cottage- like shops. While visiting the area, my friend peered in through one window to see shelf upon shelf of interesting looking books. So she went inside.

A woman appeared though a beaded curtain and asked, "Can I help you?"

"No, just browsing," said my friend.

"Fine," came the reply. "But so you know, around here most people knock before entering someone's home."

* * *

HAIKU ERROR MESSAGES

The Web site you seek

cannot be located but

countless others exist

Three things are certain:

Death, taxes, and lost data.

Guess which has occurred.

* * *

Everything is gone;

Your life's work has been destroyed.

Squeeze trigger (yes/no)?

* * *

Windows Seven crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams.

* * *

Seeing my great fault Through darkening blue windows I begin again

* * *

The code was willing, It considered your request, But the chips were weak.

* * *

Printer not ready. Could be a fatal error. Have a pen handy?

* * *

A file that big? It might be very useful. But now it is gone.

* * *

Errors have occurred. We won't tell you where or why. Lazy programmers.

* * *

Server's poor response Not quick enough for browser. Timed out, plum blossom.

* * *

Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.

* * *

Login incorrect. Only perfect spellers may enter this system.

* * *

This site has been moved. We'd tell you where, but then we'd have to delete you.

* * *

Wind catches lily scatt'ring petals to the wind: segmentation fault

* * *

ABORTED effort: Save and close all that you have. You ask way too much.

* * *

First snow, then silence. This thousand dollar screen dies so beautifully.

* * *

With searching comes loss and the presence of absence: "My Novel" not found.

* * *

The Tao that is seen Is not the true Tao, until You bring fresh toner.

* * *

The Web site you seek cannot be located but endless others exist.

* * *

Stay the patient course Of little worth is your ire The network is down

* * *

A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone.

* * *

There is a chasm of carbon and silicon the software can't bridge.

* * *

Yesterday it worked Today it is not working Windows is like that

* * *

To have no errors Would be life without meaning No struggle, no joy

* * *

You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here.

* * *

No keyboard present Press F1 to continue Zen engineering?

* * *

Hal, open the file Hal, open the damn file, Hal Open the file, please Hal

* * *

Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will.

* * *

Having been erased, The document you're seeking Must now be retyped.

* * *

The ten thousand things How long do any persist? Netscape, too, has gone.

* * *

Rather than a beep Or a rude error message, These words: "File not found."

* * *

Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

* * *

SOFTWARE CONFLICT: WIFE 1.0 UPGRADE

Last year, after hearing how great it was for so long, a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 3.0 to Wife 1.0. He has found Wife 1.0 to be a resource hog, leaving him very little free space for other applications. Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-Subroutines, which further consumes valuable system resources. His system performance and resources seem to diminish with each passing day. At first, he thought Wife 1.0 might be infected with a virus, but other users have assured him that Wife 1.0 is behaving normally and this behavior should be expected due to the nature of the application.

My friend also discovered that Wife 1.0 installed itself in such a way that it can monitor all other system activity. He now finds that some programs such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 5.1 and PubNight 7.0 cannot run at all. If he attempts to launch them, Wife 1.0 complains about a sharing violation and crashes. He finds this behavior strange since he could run these programs just fine before he upgraded.

At installation, he found Wife 1.0 provides no option to bypass the installation of undesired add-ons such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release.

Some features he would like to see introduced in the upcoming Wife 2.0 release:

• A "Don't Remind Me Again" button.

• A Minimize button.

• An Install Shield that allows Wife 2.0 to be uninstalled at anytime without the loss of cache or other system resources.

• An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode.

I have decided to forego all the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking to Girlfriend 3.0. However, even that option has many problems. Apparently, you cannot install one version of Girlfriend before you completely uninstall the old version first. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. If the newer version finds a reference to the old version, Girlfriend will completely freeze until you reboot and remove the stray reference. I am told this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Also, versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. Another thing that stinks — all versions of Girlfriend continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.

***** BUG WARNING *****

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.0 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete all MSMoney files and take all your cache before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0. will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

***** BUG WORKAROUNDS *****

If you can afford it, try installing Mistress 1.0 on an entirely different system and never run any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0. Another possible solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via an ISP under an anonymous name.

* * *

GATHERING CHICKENS

The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.

"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."

"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."

* * *

PONDERINGS FOR IDLE MOMENTS

• Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

- Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

• How come abbreviated is such a long word?

• If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

• Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

• Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

• Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

• If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

• When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!

• Do fish get cramps after eating?

* * *

ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGE 119

Hi, this is Johan advising you that you spend WAY too much time on the phone. GO OUTSIDE ... See the world, LIVE a little ... Have fun.

* * *

AN INSCRIPTION PROBLEM

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed.

The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

"Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."

* * *

BANK NAME

Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something 'practical' for her birthday.

"Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy was delighted.

"It's your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."

Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for 'Name of your former bank.' After a slight hesitation, she put down 'Piggy.'

* * *

BACHELOR COOKING

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - Take a clean dish and...."

(Continues...)



Excerpted from The Best Jokes I've Heard by Douglas Blankenship Copyright © 2012 by Douglas Blankenship. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Table of Contents

Contents

For Starters....................1
On The Job....................75
Cops and Robbers....................101
On The Road....................111
To Do Lists....................121
Medicine and Law....................137
Sports....................159
On Campus....................165
Food for Thought....................175
Howdy Neighbor....................189
Love and Marriage....................195
Let's Mix it up....................205
Dating and Mating....................299
A Guy Walks into this Place....................311
Military....................319
What's in a Name?....................327
Ponder This....................331
Where Did you Learn That?....................357
Do They Have More Fun?....................361
The Holidays....................369
In a Word....................379
All in the Family....................393
Techno Geeks....................415
Teachers and Preachers....................451
Men vs. Women....................471
Seniors....................499
If I could Talk to the Animals....................511
New English....................531
Think Twice....................537
Wish I'd Said That....................541
Let's Wrap It Up....................571
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