Beyond Blame: Freeing Yourself from the Most Toxic Form of Emotional Bullsh*t [NOOK Book]

Overview

The inspiring new book from the author of Emotional Bullshit reveals why no one is to blame-but everyone's accountable.

For many, a rare day goes by in which the need to blame does not arise-be it to cover one's own errors or just to assign an unfortunate event some kind of name (i.e., "If only X hadn't said X, we wouldn't be in this mess.") And even for those who are somewhat better at keeping the impulse in check-it is still there. ...
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Beyond Blame: Freeing Yourself from the Most Toxic Form of Emotional Bullsh*t

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Overview

The inspiring new book from the author of Emotional Bullshit reveals why no one is to blame-but everyone's accountable.

For many, a rare day goes by in which the need to blame does not arise-be it to cover one's own errors or just to assign an unfortunate event some kind of name (i.e., "If only X hadn't said X, we wouldn't be in this mess.") And even for those who are somewhat better at keeping the impulse in check-it is still there. According to psychologist Carl Alasko, blame is such an intrinsic part of how we humans communicate that we rarely take a look at what we're actually doing-and how it can affect our relationships.

In this book, Alasko reveals that the need to assign blame when something bad happens stems from a very deep desire we all share to "see justice done". Understandable when a grave crime has been committed, but it can become a dangerous habit if we begin to operate as though placing blame were somehow necessary if we want to change something or someone in our world. Yet this feeling that "someone has to pay" is seldom productive in initiating positive change. In Beyond Blame, Alasko teaches readers to recognize destruction that blame causes in their lives-oftentimes without their even being aware-and to put an end to it once and for all.

The path to eliminating blame is not a quick or easy one but, as Carl Alasko demonstrates, it is a road that must be traveled if we hope to achieve true peace in our lives.


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Editorial Reviews

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Veteran psychotherapist Carl Alasko knows that our national sport isn't baseball or football; it's assigning blame. On one level, our personal urge to see justice done is under is laudable; on another, it generates paralyzing guilt and lacerating self-recriminations. Dr. Alasko's Beyond Blame invites us to attempt the unthinkable: to free ourselves from the crippling burden of blame game accusations. A sensible corrective to a universal obsession.

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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9781101517697
  • Publisher: Penguin Group (USA)
  • Publication date: 8/18/2011
  • Sold by: Penguin Group
  • Format: eBook
  • Pages: 336
  • Sales rank: 1,225,155
  • File size: 438 KB

Meet the Author

Carl Alasko, Ph.D. has been a practicing psychotherapist specializing in couples and families for over twenty years. For the past thirteen years he has written a weekly advice column, "On Relationships", for the Monterey County Herald, which has consistently been one of the Herald's most popular columns. He has also given numerous lectures on the topic of healthy relationships and has hosted a popular advice radio show. Married and the father of four children, he lives in Monterey, California.

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Table of Contents

Introduction: Why I Wrote This Book vii

Part 1 Digging into the Roots of Blame: Where Blame Comes from and How It Works

1 Blame Is Our Most Destructive and Confusing Behavior 3

2 Why Blame Is So Misunderstood: The Mistaken Beliefs of Blame 13

3 Blame Is Deeply Rooted in Our Biology and Our Society 26

4 Blame Is More Than Just a Single Incident 37

5 Blame Comes from Many Directions at Once 46

6 Blame Is a Three-Part Syndrome Initiated by a Blame Attack 67

7 Part Two of the Blame Syndrome: The Emotional Impact 78

8 The Third Part of the Blame Syndrome: The Reactive Response and the Blame Spiral 90

Part 2 Blame Busting: Learning to Use Positive Accountability Instead of Blame

9 What Do I Use Instead of Blame? 105

10 Dilemmas of Dating: Using Positive Accountability in New Relationships 135

11 Marriage: The Proving Ground of Accountability 159

12 Parenting and Positive Accountability 192

13 Using Positive Accountability in the Workplace 213

Part 3 Advanced Work with the Law of Personal Limitations

Introduction to Part Three 231

14 Dealing with Personal Limitations: Always Start with Your Own 233

15 Exploring the Foundations of the Law of Personal Limitations 250

16 Testing the Law of Personal Limitations on Yourself 271

17 Pulling It All Together: Living Beyond Blame 284

The Take-Home Message: Living Beyond Blame 317

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  • Posted October 4, 2011

    This is a useful tool for developing positive interrelationships.

    Who has not felt, at one time or another, that they have been blamed unfairly? I doubt if anyone can say that they have never experienced the frustration of trying to explain to someone that it wasn't you, that you didn't do anything. Most of us have also blamed someone else, at times, when we think or know we are innocent, so therefore, they must be guilty. This book attempts to provide you with the tools to overcome the cycle of blame which destroys relationships. It teaches you how to express yourself in a non-confrontational way so your conversation doesn't escalate into a "he said, she said", kind of discussions. Why do we feel so afraid of being blamed? Why are we so often burdened with guilt even when we don't deserve it? Why do we operate by accusing each other of something in order to make us feel better or more powerful? The author attempts to answer these questions and provide a resource to be use when faced with a situation that deteriorates into "the blame game". The book is divided into subjects like marriage, workplace, parenting, dating, etc., so you can turn to the pages you need when necessary. Dr. Alasko hopes to teach the reader to aim for resolution and not retribution because blame shifts the focus from solving the problem into escalating it. If the reader can learn to express feelings of frustration in a positive way, without arousing anger, a respectful discussion will follow. It is the attempt to shift responsibility for something on to someone else that causes the problems in relationships. He instructs the reader in the use of Positive Accountability, which means acknowledging a mistake without having as a goal, to humiliate or punish someone else for it. If the discussion gets out of hand, leave the room and stay calm so the problem doesn't grow worse. He hopes the reader will come to terms with their Personal Limitations by recognizing what they are and dealing with them effectively so they don't control one's life. In short, the book is really about common sense. Think about the problem at hand before you react; think about what end result you want from your behavior, then act on it, without confrontation, always being aware of what you are capable of doing so that your expectations are realistic and positive. Let your mind, not your emotions, rule the day.

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