Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control: A Love Based Approach to Helping Children with Severe Behaviors

( 13 )

Overview

We are living in one of the most stressful times in human history. This abundance of stress is impacting families and in many cases, manifesting itself in children with difficult and severe behaviors. Homes often turn into intense fighting grounds of power struggles and control battles parents find themselves in us against them scenarios with their children. Tension continually builds and before long, parents are feeling completely overwhelmed, powerless, and resentful of their children. As parents implement ...
See more details below
Available through our Marketplace sellers.
Other sellers (Paperback)
  • All (3) from $10.88   
  • Used (3) from $10.88   
Close
Sort by
Page 1 of 1
Showing All
Note: Marketplace items are not eligible for any BN.com coupons and promotions
$10.88
Seller since 2009

Feedback rating:

(795)

Condition:

New — never opened or used in original packaging.

Like New — packaging may have been opened. A "Like New" item is suitable to give as a gift.

Very Good — may have minor signs of wear on packaging but item works perfectly and has no damage.

Good — item is in good condition but packaging may have signs of shelf wear/aging or torn packaging. All specific defects should be noted in the Comments section associated with each item.

Acceptable — item is in working order but may show signs of wear such as scratches or torn packaging. All specific defects should be noted in the Comments section associated with each item.

Used — An item that has been opened and may show signs of wear. All specific defects should be noted in the Comments section associated with each item.

Refurbished — A used item that has been renewed or updated and verified to be in proper working condition. Not necessarily completed by the original manufacturer.

Acceptable
Acceptable WEAR & MARKINGS*

Ships from: Astoria, NY

Usually ships in 1-2 business days

  • Canadian
  • Standard, 48 States
  • Standard (AK, HI)
  • Express, 48 States
  • Express (AK, HI)
$17.94
Seller since 2014

Feedback rating:

(4)

Condition: Like New

Ships from: Denver, CO

Usually ships in 1-2 business days

  • Canadian
  • Standard, 48 States
  • Standard (AK, HI)
$42.99
Seller since 2014

Feedback rating:

(37)

Condition: Good
Buy with Confidence. Excellent Customer Support. We ship from multiple US locations. No CD, DVD or Access Code Included.

Ships from: Fort Mill, SC

Usually ships in 1-2 business days

  • Standard, 48 States
Page 1 of 1
Showing All
Close
Sort by
Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control: A Love Based Approach to Helping Children With Severe Behaviors

Available on NOOK devices and apps  
  • NOOK Devices
  • Samsung Galaxy Tab 4 NOOK
  • NOOK HD/HD+ Tablet
  • NOOK
  • NOOK Color
  • NOOK Tablet
  • Tablet/Phone
  • NOOK for Windows 8 Tablet
  • NOOK for iOS
  • NOOK for Android
  • NOOK Kids for iPad
  • PC/Mac
  • NOOK for Windows 8
  • NOOK for PC
  • NOOK for Mac
  • NOOK for Web

Want a NOOK? Explore Now

NOOK Book (eBook)
$8.49
BN.com price
(Save 15%)$9.99 List Price
This digital version does not exactly match the physical book displayed here.

Overview

We are living in one of the most stressful times in human history. This abundance of stress is impacting families and in many cases, manifesting itself in children with difficult and severe behaviors. Homes often turn into intense fighting grounds of power struggles and control battles parents find themselves in us against them scenarios with their children. Tension continually builds and before long, parents are feeling completely overwhelmed, powerless, and resentful of their children. As parents implement traditional parenting techniques, parenting in a way that most parenting books recommend, they find their situations becoming worse, not better as promised these resources. It doesn't have to be this way! Heather T. Forbes, LCSW, offers families a new view to parenting children with difficult and severe behaviors. As a parent herself who experienced dark days (and years) following the adoption of her two children, she offers a ground-breaking approach to parenting that shows parents a proven way to develop strong and loving relationships with their children. In her new book, Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control: A Love Based Approach to Helping Children with Severe Behaviors, Volume 2, Heather offers practical and effective solutions based in scientific research, coupled with professional and personal experience. She is a master at bridging the gap between academic research and real life when the rubber hits the road parenting. This book is written in an easy to understand and easy to grasp format for anyone working with or parenting children with difficult or severe behaviors. The first six chapters discuss the principles of her love-based parenting paradigm. A newunderstanding of why traditional parenting techniques are ineffective with children with difficult behaviors is given, along with clear and concise explanations of the science behind trauma and negative early life experiences. The next seven chapters address specific behaviors, including poor social skills, homework battles, demanding behaviors, self-injury, defensive attitudes, no conscience, and chores. Each chapter gives specific examples of how to implement her parenting principles, empowering parents to make amazing and permanent changes in their homes. All the examples given throughout these chapters are true stories provided by parents who read and implemented her first book, Volume 1. The book ends with a parenting bonus section where more real-life stories from real-life parents with real-life children are given. These examples range in the spectrum of the ages of the children and a variety of behavioral issues. This book offers hope and healing. It goes beyond just changing a child s behaviors but goes to the level of healing for all family members. This book has the power to literally change families for life and to help families find the peace in their homes that they dreamed of from the beginning--and the peace they deserve!
Read More Show Less

Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780977704033
  • Publisher: Beyond Consequences Institute, LLC
  • Publication date: 1/1/2008
  • Pages: 179
  • Product dimensions: 6.00 (w) x 8.90 (h) x 0.60 (d)

Meet the Author

Heather T. Forbes, LCSW, is co-founder and owner of the Beyond Consequences Institute. Forbes has worked with nationally recognized attachment professionals in the field of trauma and attachment since 1999. She is an internationally published author on the topics of adoptive motherhood, raising children with difficult and severe behaviors, and self-development. Forbes lectures, consults, and coaches parents throughout the U.S., Canada, and the U.K., working to create peaceful, loving families. She is passionate about supporting families by bridging the gap between academic research and "when the rubber hits the road" parenting. Much of her experience and insight on understanding trauma, disruptive behaviors, and adoption-related issues comes from her direct mothering experience of her two adopted children.
Read More Show Less

Table of Contents

Dedication
Forward
A Note to the Reader
A Reward Offer

Part I - The Principles of a New Understanding
1. From Research to Love
2. Love-Based Parenting
3. Staying in the Present Moment
4. Our Parenting Programs
5. Window of Stress Tolerance
6. Expectations

Part II - Seven Behaviors Based in Fear
7. Poor Social Skills
8. Demanding
9. Self-Injury
10. Defensive Attitudes
11. No Conscience
12. Homework
13. Chores

Part III - Parenting Bonus Section
14. Real-Life Stories from Real-Life Parents with Real-Life Children

Recommended Readings
Endnotes
About the Author
Index
Order Form
Read More Show Less

First Chapter

CHAPTER 1

FROM RESEARCH TO LOVE

"The greatest science in the world; in heaven and on earth; is love."
- Mother Teresa

I recently made a trip out to a local university for a day "off" to do research. Yes, my idea of fun is research! (I'm certain there is some sort of pathology associated with such a statement.)
So I sit down at the computer, breathing in and experiencing the joy of my moment in the here and now . . . I'm ready to embark on the latest and greatest of research. I locate the perfect search engine to scan all the psychological journals. Yes, the excitement is building. I place my fingers on the keyboard and salivate as I taste the success of a page of sweet results.
I type the classic acronym for the end-all-of-end-all mental health disorders for traumatized children: RAD (reactive attachment disorder). Within seconds I find a list of over 3,000 articles. How much time do I have, I wonder? How many of these can I make it through before I need to leave to pick up my own children (formerly diagnosed with RAD).
I scan through the most recent articles. I print them out. Before long, I have a pile of articles over two inches thick. As I am scanning through the abstracts, being led through percentages, dissecting the statistical data from Pearson's r to alpha scores, and weeding through the explanations of the research methodology, I come to one very important realization: these researchers have little to no experience with attachment-challenged children with severe behaviors.
Do they really know what it is like to live day in and day out with achild who continually lives in a fear state, resulting in a child who is disrespectful, disobedient, and simply beyond comprehension on his best day? Do they know what it is like to give and give and give to a child who is too stressed out to receive? Do these researchers understand what it is like to be a parent at your brink, curled up on the bathroom floor in a fetal position, just praying to make it through one more day?
The explanations of raising children with difficult behaviors are written in this research in such an objective form (which is appropriate in formal peer-reviewed journal articles), but it takes away from the reader being able to comprehend the intensity of being a parent or caretaker living in the midst of fear and trauma. Here is one such statement: "The high prevalence of RAD raises therapeutic challenges for those involved in the care of children." So, now when your friends ask, "How are you?" you can say, "Well, I'm therapeutically challenged right now!"
The majority of the articles expanded on the actual criteria of reactive attachment disorder and discussed the inherent problems in the DSM-IV (the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders-the "bible" of mental health disorders). Many articles discussed the limitations of studies and the limits of what attachment theory can tell us.
After about two hours of researching and printing copies of these articles, I found myself staring at half a tree of paper, wondering how this was going to help parents. The concluding remarks in many of the articles ended by stating such bleak comments as, " . . . there is little in the way of evidence-based treatment for this disorder and those treatments which do exist are controversial."
What?! All this research, money, and time only to end with a bleak, hopeless statement like this? What about the children? What about the moms and dads struggling to create peaceful loving homes? There appears to be a wide raven spanning academia and "when the rubber hits the road" parenting. While both sides have the common goal of creating positive change, the connection of the two is far and wide.
So where do we go from here? I take a deep breath and calm my own nervous system. "Where do we go from here?" I ask myself again. Then I realize it is not about going somewhere, but returning somewhere.
The answer is that we need to go right back to the beginning. We simply need to get back to the basics and return to love. No statistical data is needed, no research methodologies need to be designed, and most importantly, no limitations exist with love.
In returning to love, we then have to ask, "Do we really understand the true meaning of love?" Many of us were raised in dysregulated families without the love model that we needed. We later found ourselves in relationships that defined love to equal pain, rejection, and abandonment.
Redefining our love program becomes the first order of business in implementing a love-based parenting model. This is where my day of research shifts. Instead of my keyword being a mental health disorder like ADHD or RAD, my keyword becomes "love." What comes up is both love and unconditional love. I ask myself, "Is there a difference?" Are they not one and the same? Is this term not redundant? So I continue on for a couple of hours and conclude the following to be the meaning of love:

Love is kindness, caring, and acceptance without judgment, all the time, under no conditions. Love says I accept you as you are. Love says, "I accept your behaviors at this very moment because I accept you." Love trusts that your child has the ability to change his behaviors once he feels accepted unconditionally.
One website offered this from an unknown author:

"I love you as you are as you seek to find your own special way to relate to the world, or the way you feel that is right for you. It is important that you are the person you want to be and not someone that I or others think you should be. I realize that I cannot know what is best for you although perhaps sometimes I think I do. I've not been where you have been, viewing life from that angle you have, I do not know what you have chosen to learn, how you have chosen to learn it, with whom or in what time period. I have not walked life looking through your eyes so how can I know what you need."

Unconditional love is love without requiring anything in return-love no matter what. It is telling your child, "I love you" without expecting him to say "I love you" in return. Love is asking your child, "What's wrong, Billy? You seem upset." while in return getting, "I don't want to talk about it! I hate you!" yet still not reacting with negativity. Love is accepting that your child is in a state of fear when he is not able to connect with you at that moment. Love responds to such dysregulation by saying, "I'm here when you are ready, Billy."
Love celebrates the moment of victory and lets go of the past. When your teenage daughter comes back after running away from home without telling you where she was, you say, "I'm so glad you're home. I've really missed you. We need to celebrate your return."
Love stays focused on the relationship and the experience, not the outcome. Love trusts that if the experience is void of fear, the outcome will take care of itself. If the child is asked to take the garbage out and he refuses to do so, the parent stops and focuses on the relationship. The parent recognizes that there must be a disconnect between the parent and the child and moves in to repair the disconnect, recognizing that the garbage is secondary at this moment. The parent says to the child, "You seem pretty stressed right now. Hard day at school?"
Love begins in loving ourselves first. Self-love allows us to validate and accept ourselves without requiring others to do the same for us. A parent who loves herself understands that when her child stomps off and whispers insults under his breath that she is still a good parent. Love recognizes that the behavior of a child does not determine the parent's effectiveness. The parent with self-love is not looking for her child to validate her.
Most importantly, love allows children to have their emotional space. When children have emotional space, free of fear, free of judgment, free of control, they then have the capacity to find their own way back to love. Love recognizes that the teaching of the life lesson is only effective when the child is regulated and back in relationship. So later that night, mom sits with her daughter and says, "Today when you stomped off and whispered those words under your breath, it was disrespectful to me. I understand you were frustrated, but I know we can work this out in a nicer way between the two of us. Would you work on this with me?"
My day of academic research shifted me right back to the place where I needed to be. When we lose ourselves in an overindulgence of intellect, technology, analysis, rationalization, and complexity, we lose the primal focus of our purpose here on earth. Love really is enough. It simply takes putting unconditional love into action in order to help any child find his way back to this place of peace, joy, confidence, and safety. Implement love-based parenting, as described in this book, and you will find answers, and more importantly, you will find your children and will lead them back to their true essential state of love.
Read More Show Less

Customer Reviews

Average Rating 4
( 13 )
Rating Distribution

5 Star

(7)

4 Star

(0)

3 Star

(3)

2 Star

(2)

1 Star

(1)

Your Rating:

Your Name: Create a Pen Name or

Barnes & Noble.com Review Rules

Our reader reviews allow you to share your comments on titles you liked, or didn't, with others. By submitting an online review, you are representing to Barnes & Noble.com that all information contained in your review is original and accurate in all respects, and that the submission of such content by you and the posting of such content by Barnes & Noble.com does not and will not violate the rights of any third party. Please follow the rules below to help ensure that your review can be posted.

Reviews by Our Customers Under the Age of 13

We highly value and respect everyone's opinion concerning the titles we offer. However, we cannot allow persons under the age of 13 to have accounts at BN.com or to post customer reviews. Please see our Terms of Use for more details.

What to exclude from your review:

Please do not write about reviews, commentary, or information posted on the product page. If you see any errors in the information on the product page, please send us an email.

Reviews should not contain any of the following:

  • - HTML tags, profanity, obscenities, vulgarities, or comments that defame anyone
  • - Time-sensitive information such as tour dates, signings, lectures, etc.
  • - Single-word reviews. Other people will read your review to discover why you liked or didn't like the title. Be descriptive.
  • - Comments focusing on the author or that may ruin the ending for others
  • - Phone numbers, addresses, URLs
  • - Pricing and availability information or alternative ordering information
  • - Advertisements or commercial solicitation

Reminder:

  • - By submitting a review, you grant to Barnes & Noble.com and its sublicensees the royalty-free, perpetual, irrevocable right and license to use the review in accordance with the Barnes & Noble.com Terms of Use.
  • - Barnes & Noble.com reserves the right not to post any review -- particularly those that do not follow the terms and conditions of these Rules. Barnes & Noble.com also reserves the right to remove any review at any time without notice.
  • - See Terms of Use for other conditions and disclaimers.
Search for Products You'd Like to Recommend

Recommend other products that relate to your review. Just search for them below and share!

Create a Pen Name

Your Pen Name is your unique identity on BN.com. It will appear on the reviews you write and other website activities. Your Pen Name cannot be edited, changed or deleted once submitted.

 
Your Pen Name can be any combination of alphanumeric characters (plus - and _), and must be at least two characters long.

Continue Anonymously
Sort by: Showing all of 13 Customer Reviews
  • Anonymous

    Posted March 14, 2014

    She is talking about Reactive Attachment Disorder, not kids in g

    She is talking about Reactive Attachment Disorder, not kids in general. I adopted my Russian daughters when they were 13 and 9. The older one has classic RAD, and it's been a nightmare. After having read this book, and observed my daughter for 8 years, I can say that Forbes absolutely nails it. But don't think that this books is particularly applicable to ALL kids.

    RAD is a nightmare that never ends. In the end, you have to deal with them just the way Forbes does or you will go insane. when you're fighting a battle that you can't win, and can't quit, then a third alternative must be found. She has found it.

    No, she will NOT "cure" your kid. She doesn't claim to be able to. She's helping you salvage what you can.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted June 14, 2009

    I Also Recommend:

    Insightful - but Disappointing Too

    I wanted to like this book, because it advocates a gentle style of parenting that I would like to live up to. I wanted it to debunk the pseudoscience of the Foster Cline's and Nancy Thomas's of this world. But it is full of pseudoscience too, not to mention simple typographical and grammatical errors and specious arguments. Very depressing. At the same time, the practical suggestions for dealing with traumatized kids are more effective with my child - who has enormous stress and fear arising from his history of broken bonds - than any of the hard-nosed semi-abusive crap advocated by the "traditional" attachment therapists, and I can only ascribe that to the practical experience of the authors in dealing with troubled kids. I recommend the techniques to parents, but I question the foundation, which makes the entire book very unsatisfying.

    1 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted October 24, 2013

    wow, self publishing is certainly the way to go when you can not

    wow, self publishing is certainly the way to go when you can not (and would not want) obtain what would normally be sought in a booklet like this - peer review.  with absolutely no research cited for what amounts to be a personal opinion theory (the stress model), none of what follows has any credibility.  i can not imagine what grade the author received when they put this in front of their thesis committee.

    0 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted September 12, 2013

    My biological child is dealing with childhood trauma anxiety and

    My biological child is dealing with childhood trauma anxiety and anger issues. This book came highly recommended by a youth councilor professional who works with middle school age children with behavioral issues. I found the behavior breakdown in this book an easy read and quite simple concept on how to assess a situation before getting sucked into one as we often do as parents. I enjoyed the book and thought that the information was more valuable than a years worth of professionals recommending me medicate my child.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted February 23, 2011

    You must read this

    I was at my wits end til I read this book then I had to get Volume 1.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted October 25, 2008

    a must read

    This is a great book if you are a parent or professional working with children from the foster care sysytem. This is a great book that will provide hope for children that have been through trauma in their lives.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted February 24, 2008

    A reviewer

    An absolute must read for anyone working with children who have suffered trauma in any degree.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted November 19, 2008

    No text was provided for this review.

  • Anonymous

    Posted May 17, 2009

    No text was provided for this review.

  • Anonymous

    Posted March 15, 2014

    No text was provided for this review.

  • Anonymous

    Posted September 3, 2009

    No text was provided for this review.

  • Anonymous

    Posted June 19, 2013

    No text was provided for this review.

  • Anonymous

    Posted November 22, 2008

    No text was provided for this review.

Sort by: Showing all of 13 Customer Reviews

If you find inappropriate content, please report it to Barnes & Noble
Why is this product inappropriate?
Comments (optional)