Biting Nixie

( 100 )

Overview

Nitro? Meet glycerin...

A Biting Love Novel

Punk musician Nixie Schmeling is a hundred pounds of Attitude who spells authority a-n-c-h-o-r and thinks buying insurance is just one more step toward death. So she really feels played when she's "volunteered" to run the town's first annual fundraising festival. Especially when she finds out it's to pay for a heavy-hitting, suit-wearing lawyer-who's six-feet-plus of...

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Biting Nixie

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Overview

Nitro? Meet glycerin...

A Biting Love Novel

Punk musician Nixie Schmeling is a hundred pounds of Attitude who spells authority a-n-c-h-o-r and thinks buying insurance is just one more step toward death. So she really feels played when she's "volunteered" to run the town's first annual fundraising festival. Especially when she finds out it's to pay for a heavy-hitting, suit-wearing lawyer-who's six-feet-plus of black-haired, blue-eyed sex on a stick.

Attorney Julian Emerson learned centuries ago that the only way to contain his dangerous nature is to stay buttoned up. He's come from Boston to defend the town from a shady group of suits...and an even shadier gang of vampires. But his biggest problem is Nixie, who shreds his self-control.

Nixie doesn't get why the faphead shyster doesn't understand her. Julian wishes Nixie would speak a known language...like Sanskrit. Even if they manage to foil the bloodthirsty gang, what future is there for a tiny punk rocker and a blue-blooded skyscraper?

And that's before Nixie finds out Julian's a vampire...

Warning: Contains more eye-popping sex, ear-popping language and gut-popping laughs than can possibly be good for you. And vampires. Not sippy-neck wimps, but burning beacons of raw sexuality-this means passionate blood-heating, violent bloodletting, and fangy bloodsucking. Oh, and cheese balls. Those things are just scary.

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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9781605044378
  • Publisher: Samhain Publishing
  • Publication date: 11/1/2009
  • Series: Biting Love Series
  • Pages: 314
  • Product dimensions: 5.50 (w) x 8.40 (h) x 1.00 (d)

Read an Excerpt

"Waiting's such a pain in the ass."

I was talking to the lady in line ahead of me. Or rather her planet-sized hat, whose fake ostrich feather was doing Pluto's orbit on my face. The hat ignored me.

So I turned to the guy behind. He was skinny with a fat butt and a long nose--like a dachshund in pants. "Life's too short, right?"

Dachshund guy stared at me like I was demented.

And maybe I was. After all, I'd been standing here for--I checked my Juke. Over an hour. Sixty minutes and counting. In sixty minutes a good drama could have solved World Hunger. A comedy would have solved World Hunger, achieved Global Peace, and had a laugh or two besides.

Forget Murphy's Law. Nixie's Law: if you were waiting to make a left turn, there was always one oncoming fucktard who sailed through on the red. If you were in a grocery line, whichever line you picked would be run by Nimrod the Wonder-Iguana.

Waiting for the burro-cracy (aka the mule-ass government) to move its fat butt was enough to make the Great McHamburger Clown swear.

Standing in line in the mayor's office for an hour--to do the government a favor--well, please. Just flay my skin off.

I mean, it wasn't like you could do anything while you wait. You gotta be alert--move up move up move up--or someone would jack your place in line.

I amused myself by making up sexual fantasies about the people in line. Behind dachshund guy was a shaggy collie of a woman. I imagined them doing it. Doggie style, of course. Teeny wiener-dog frantically humping Lassie. That was good for a few chuckles.

A surgically enhanced 34-DD paired with dachshund guy brought anotherround of silent laughs. I mean, his face was level with her chest. Imagine his head on a rubber band, playing paddle ball.

That was good for about ten minutes. After that I thought up seven different ways to kill the guy who wrote "Proud Mary". The best was to lock him in a room with every band that ever played a wedding reception, each furnished with a Giant Slugger baseball bat.

But even waiting has to end. It was 4:40 p.m. and dark out when hat lady got called to the counter. I was finally at the front of the line. I was next.

Having someone cut in ahead of me was just a fucking insult.

"Excuse me." I reached up to tap the guy's shoulder.

The buzz-cut gray head swiveled. Apparently seeing nobody there, the guy turned back.

I'm used to that. At five-foot-nothing I'm shorter than most fifth graders. I don't make up for it in weight, being a size zero. Don't envy me. The only thing that fits me comes out of the little girls' section at Kmart. Since I'm twenty-five, this is a major problem. Never mind trees falling in forests--if the shirt front is flat, do my breasts exist?

"Excuse me," I said again, tugging on my tormentor's suit coat.

He whipped around and seared me with a long glare. Aw, shit. I recognized that sharp nose and ratty face. I knew too well that seersucker suit, new half a century ago and hardened since into a shell of authority.

Mr. Schleck, my high school vice-principal.

Schleck hated me. Left over from having to deal with my party-animal sister, but he didn't have to enjoy torturing me quite so much.

And he did enjoy it. Schleck was the kind of guy who liked to throw his weight around. Abusive Authority with a capital AA. Break one tiny little rule, and he handed out detentions and suspensions like the Ebola virus. And, from his cutting in line ahead of me, was a two-faced bastard about it.

"Excuse me." I yanked on his seersucker symbol of authority. "You taxed my place. I was here first."

The veep threw me a sneer. "Not now, little girl."

At the counter, Twyla Tafel yelled, "Next!"

Schleck moved.

Enough was enough. Schleck had bullied me as a teenager and got away with it. But I was an adult now. He was not going to screw me any more. I grabbed his coat. "Just hold on there!"

Schleck whirled on me, snarling like an angry badger. "Let go of me, you little twerp." His fingers closed around my hand and squeezed.

That hurt. But I had stood in that fucking line for a fucking hour. Playing by the rules. I got pissed. "I was here first. I'm next. No joust!"

Schleck's face went red as a stoplight. His hand jerked back--to hit me. Incredulous, I saw his fat palm rocket toward my face.

I stifled my immediate reaction, which was to Chuck Norris his ass with a roundhouse to the head. Not that I minded shedding a little bully-blood--but not in the mayor's office. I would have to take it. I squeezed my eyes shut.

Nothing landed.

"I believe you're out of line, sir."

The voice was deep and cultured. The words resonated with an accent I couldn't immediately place. Proud, almost aristocratic. I cautiously popped one eye open.

Strong, sure fingers held Schleck's wrist in an unbreakable grip. The vice-principal's face was white as he stared up. And up. I followed that stare, and--

Towering over us both was the most beautiful man I'd ever seen.

Bronzed skin. Black hair and brows. Outrageously long black eyelashes sweeping over laser-sharp blue eyes. Sensuous dark bronze mouth. A jaw made to run your fingers over. Lean muscular body with biteable shoulders and a flat waist. He made a Chippendale look like a cub scout.

Gorgeous Guy stared down at Schleck with cool contempt. He didn't squeeze the vice-principal's wrist, didn't hurt him in any way. He didn't have to. The man's obvious strength was enough.

Schleck, like bullies everywhere, cut and ran. Gorgeous Guy released the veep-creep as if he were slime.

Wow. Not only man-beautiful, but the guy oozed strength. No, more. Power. Power, the kind restrained by a tremendous will. I could have fallen in love. Could have, but not.

The guy was wearing a fucking three-piece suit.

Vest and all. Seriously, had anyone worn those since the ancient eighties? Charcoal gray, looked like worsted wool. Cut like a glove. Reeeeelly expensive. Black Italian wingtip shoes. Shirt so snowy white it glowed. Striped tie, probably from some Ivy League school. Damn. Gorgeous Guy in real life was a straight-laced Suit Guy.

He opened the coat and checked an actual freaking gold pocket watch. "You're welcome." A dry note flavored Suitguy's beautiful voice.

While I was staring at his tailored wool armor he had been looking at me. "Uh, yeah. Thanks."

He smiled slightly. Oh, stars above. What that smile did to my innards was illegal in Georgia. His eyes flicked to the counter. "You're next, I believe."

"Uh, yeah." I couldn't seem to think of anything else to say. "Thanks."

"You're welcome." As he turned away, Suitguy added, "Little girl."

That hit my libido like a bucket of ice water. I gave his broad back an impotent glare. When he didn't instantly burst into flames I settled for stomping all the way to the counter.

Behind the counter, Twyla Tafel watched me approach. My friend Twyla is the mayor's executive admin. She was a hundred forty pounds of competence wrapped in seduction. Men drooled over her and didn't even notice she was doing their jobs better than they did.

I've known Twyla since the day we were sent to Schleck's office for throwing paper wads on the ceiling of the girl's bathroom. Twyla hid us in a supply closet instead. Even as a freshman she had keys to everything.

"What the hell is it with this stupid line?" I grouched at her. "And where's Heidi?" The counter is usually Heidi's domain and she runs it like a POW camp. Or, considering Heidi's affection for spike-heeled boots and black leather, maybe a medieval dungeon.

Twyla shrugged. "Out sick. I'm trying not to mess things up, but everything's hit the fan. Thanks to the mayor's upcoming festival."

The city-wide fundraiser. The mad cow charity event. Just lobotomize me. "Which explains why my short park and fart turned into a Martin Luther-sized constipation."

Twyla cocked her head. "What's got your undies in a bundle, girl?"

"Girl," I echoed resentfully. "You're almost as short as me. But no one would mistake you for a kid." Twyla's got breasts and hips that stun half the male population into a coma on sight. When she walks, the other half crash. She dresses sharp, wears designer spikes, and carries a lethal bump and grind. I glowered at her. "If I had real breasts instead of these little lumps on my chest--"

"Oh, not that again." Twyla rolled her cocoa brown eyes. She was half black, her mother an African diplomat. She was half German, too, but you'd never know to look at her. It was kind of strange to hear fluent Deutsche coming out of the mouth of someone who looked like a voodoo queen.

Of course, everyone here in Meiers Corners was half German, whether they had the genes or not. A small-town thing.

Twyla tapped a long Burgundy Blast-colored nail on the counter. "You're not a skinny-assed kid, Nixie."

"You're the one who described me as Shirley Temple crossed with Drew Barrymore." I glowered at Schleck cowering at the end of the line. "Not just you. Everyone seems to think I'm a kid." I looked around for the Gucci god. Suitguy was standing right behind Schleck, which explained the cowering.

"What do you expect, with how you dress?" Twyla waved a manicured hand at my clothes. "You're an adult woman, Nixie. Yet you dress like a punk kid."

I waved my own short pink-and-black nails in answer. "What am I supposed to wear? Two-hundred-dollar Liz Claiborne suits? It would cost another two hundred just to cut them down to my size. That's all daggy."

"Liz charges four hundred these days. Buy a miniskirt. It'd at least cover your knees."

"Ha-ha. Anyway, I'm a musician, Twyla. I'm supposed to look rocked up." I glanced down at today's ensemble. Sequined black Skechers. Purple tights. Red bike shorts peeking out from the frill of a skirt ruffle. Garfield hoodie with the sleeves ripped out. A jean jacket, ditto. To show the butterfly tattoo on one arm. And the tiger on the other.

"Thank God you're a lot smarter than you look. Or talk. Speaking of which." Twyla pushed a stuffed manila envelope across the counter at me. "Your instructions. For the festival."

"Thanks." I hefted the envelope. "Why is the city trying to raise money, anyway?"

"We're hiring some hot-shot East Coast lawyer. To protect Meiers Corners from Chicago."

"Yeah, I heard Chicago wants to suck us up. Although I have no idea why."

"Nobody knows. But the big boys are pretty serious about it. They've gone so far as to introduce annexation legislation with the state."

I whistled. "Thus the need for a wonder-shark. But couldn't taxes pay for this legal eagle?"

Twyla arched a perfectly plucked brow. "At five hundred dollars an hour?"

I swore. "That's a lot of Kraft singles!"

"It'll be worth it," Twyla said.

"Worth an HDTV an hour?"

"Where do you buy your HDTVs? It'd take him at least two hours to earn one."

Twyla was teasing, but I wasn't. "Why get an outsider--especially at that rate? What's wrong with old Denny Crane?" Yeah, really. We had a lawyer named Denny Crane. Just like Boston Legal. Meiers Corners was a magnet for weird. Like Cabot Cove attracted murderers. Okay, that was an ancient reference, but I saw Beauty and the Beast as a kid and had a brief hero thing for Angela Lansbury.

Twyla tut-tutted. "You don't want to mess around with Chicago leet, girl. They're top of the food chain. They'd eat Meiers Corners and spit out the bones if we didn't get someone tough on our side."

"Five hundred per will kill us surer."

"You get what you pay for." Twyla shrugged. "Anyway, it's four-fifty. He's giving us a discount."

"Well roll me on my back and wave my legs in the air. How generous. And who is this playa?"

"Some guy from the firm of Quincy, Emerson and Holmes."

"Great. Sounds like Snobby, Priggy and Prude. Or Dewy, Cheatem and Howe."

"Ha-ha. Anyway, this guy's coming to meet the mayor tonight. I had to order up special cheese balls. You know how the mayor loves his cheese balls."

"Yeah." Five hundred dollars an hour. I was lucky to make five hundred a month. But it explained the big extravaganza. No way little Meiers Corners could pay that much from taxes. "Well, I'd better let you clear out the rest of the line. Thanks for this." I patted the envelope. "Guns and Polkas is looking forward to playing for the fundraiser."

"Playing for it?" Twyla's perfectly arched eyebrows rose. "Girl, you're running it."

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Customer Reviews

Average Rating 4
( 100 )
Rating Distribution

5 Star

(49)

4 Star

(27)

3 Star

(11)

2 Star

(7)

1 Star

(6)

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See All Sort by: Showing 1 – 20 of 100 Customer Reviews
  • Posted July 23, 2013

    I got this book because it was free and there were so many good

    I got this book because it was free and there were so many good reviews. Wow was I disappointed. Half the time the main character spoke in slang that left me scratching my head and rereading it to see if I had actually read that right and I wasn't having a stroke. She would refer to one man as Emerson, Suitguy, Julian, and several other names. The authors continuity sucked. One page it is Thursday, the next Tuesday, the next back to thursday before going to Wednesday (what?????), It took approximately 256 pages before Nixie realizes what supernatural someone is (and it was more obvious here than that of Twilight, which is just sad).

    The author mentions Buffy the Vampire slayer quite often and then has people of the same name within her book. She also names vampires after famous vampires (Nosferatu). This just makes me think she may be lazy in the creative department. And dear god it is slow

    As for the adult content, didn't mind it until she would use clinical terms describing the sex. I am sorry there is nothing sexy when you say Mons, Labia or Vulva. It breaks up the scene and frankly is a huge turn off. Also having him be so well endowed just seemed painful. And one minute one of the vampires has FOOT LONG fangs, the next they are super small. It was too much supernatural and not done well. I see that this book is close to 13$ for a paperback and I would have been beyond angry paying that much for something like this. All of the German words/food that is incorporated also makes the book lag. Some german words are placed haphazardly throughout the book with no translation. I can find nothing good to say about the characters or the writing style.It was BORING and I don' understand how people say that the plot is good when we have 250+ pages of her "OH I like Julian but he is obviously vanilla even though he keeps saving me and I am a tiny punk girl that people think is still in middle school" and "Oh I will sleep with this guy to forget about that guy but then instead I will take one night stand to meet my parents" seriously try something else instead, like Shelly Laurenston, Patricia Briggs, Charlaine Harris, or if you are looking for serious sex LK Hamilton. I will not be continuing with this author

    6 out of 7 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted April 9, 2010

    GOOD BOOK!

    Great plot, characters, romance and all! So the cover threw me off a bit, but the story is really good! Loved the story and characters. Yes, this is an ADULT romance, so therefore ADULT things happen. I would recommend this book. :)

    6 out of 8 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted July 24, 2013

    Liked it!

    Stats: 708 nook pages. Comedic paranormal romance with graphic violence and detailed sex scenes. As long as you accept that nothing in this book is plausible and everything is exaggerated, you just might enjoy it. It has a zany Twin Peaks feel with a dash of small town quirkiness like in Northern Exposure. Apologies if you don't get my ancient references. I doubt I'll pay for more books in this series, but this free book was a pleasent surprise.

    2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted July 21, 2011

    Pretty good

    If you consciously chose to purchase an adult book about vampires - you will love this. Anyone who complains about the content clearly didn't read the description. I found it to be hilarious and sexy at the same time - not an easy feat! My only (and I do mean only) complaint is that with the dates that B&N has listed next to the books - I thought this was the first one in the series. It's not - its the second installment. Try going to her website to get the correct reading order.

    2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted January 18, 2010

    more from this reviewer

    You really don't get what you pay for...

    I had high hopes for the book even though i had not heard of the author. Many people had given the book great ratings and reviews, as soon as i started reading i noticed a common theme. EROTICA, the author uses so much description about certain things it makes you want to take a shower, and not in a good way. If you can manage to get over the language then you have to work through the fact that the main character is childish in so many ways(she constantly throws tantrums) when she tries to tell people not to treat her like a child.

    Overall the book was a waste of money and time, it was vulgar(not in a good way at all, mostly trashy) and the reading was difficult to get through because it wasn't very interesting.

    2 out of 6 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted July 31, 2013

    kathy5051

    The story line was ok, but book was written slang which made it very confusing. I don't know if it was written for teens or what. Not a keeper, I deleted it after reading it.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted July 30, 2013

    Crap

    The book is slow. The slang is painful to read. The main character annoyed me she acted dumb about figuring out aboutthevampires. It wasa painful read I could notfinish.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted July 27, 2013

    Wow

    This is a good read if u like vampire romance with humans. The book contains oh so hot sex (who knew fangs can be exotic) and some kick ass. Nixie and julian sound sooo hot. Julian is protective of nixie. If u think ima tell u abot the dets ur soo wrong. All im gonna say is read the book. U wont be disappointed. -K

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted July 23, 2013

    Great!!!!

    Funny as hell and romantic i loved nixie she was funny and had great sense of humor. I loved this

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted May 8, 2013

    Dawne

    Well I don't know how the whole book is because it went about 25 pages and started at the beginning again. Then went about 15 pages and back to the beginning AGAIN. Don't want to waste money on something that bad.

    1 out of 6 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted June 19, 2011

    Fangy fun!

    v--v Humorous & Steamy! A feel good read v--v

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted September 20, 2013

    Very entertaining

    Very corney, but I really liked I! I'm off to check out her other books.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted August 30, 2013

    704 pages

    Recommend

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  • Anonymous

    Posted August 23, 2013

    Really good

    This book was a fun read...lots of humor with a great story

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  • Posted August 23, 2013

    Fun Story

    I would recommend this book. It's fun and exciting with some seriousness mixed in. If you like comedy and paranormal in your stories, you'll love this.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted August 22, 2013

    Fun Read

    Fun, fast read.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Posted August 22, 2013

    Delightful! Loved it!

    Its a quick read, but I loved it! Sheer escapism!

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted August 18, 2013

    Great story despite the lingo

    After getting past the unintelligible vernacular and the lazily borrowed character names, the reader will find this to be a very enjoyable tale. Very detailed descriptions of small town life where everyone knows everyone, but their secrets are a bit more outlandish than one would assume. This tale of forced responsibility & "happy ever after" makes one think the intended audience is young, but the intimacy & heated scenes between romantic characters tells another story. Despite a few "hard to swallow" events (like a 3-minute perusal of bookshelf spines suddenly causing the complete understanding of the strange pop-culture references used by the main character) the story moves quickly and keeps the reader engaged, if a little confused about time of day.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted August 13, 2013

    Great Read

    Nixie was a bit childish but it was still a great story. The male leads were strong enough to keep you sitting on the edge of your seat.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted July 30, 2013

    Great Fun!

    Silly. Funny. Sexy. Nonsensical. Vampires. LOL Enjoyable. Did I mention Vampires, especially one very Hot Vampire?

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
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