Black and Single: Meeting and Choosing a Partner Who's Right for You

"Black women have become the men that their mothers wanted them to marry." This comment, made to me by a female news reporter, is one of the most powerful I've heard on Black male-female relations. It captures the complexity of romantic relations for Black Americans as they enter into the twenty-first century. It suggests that Black women have increasingly had to be independent, strong, and must frequently assume the role of sole financial provider. It also suggests that Black men are in a very serious struggle to be, and to present themselves as, good potential mates. No other racial group in America has as many single adults as do African Americans. Roughly two thirds of Black people are single, while two thirds of white people are married. Most certainly it is this reality that contributes to Blacks spending so much of their time talking, thinking, and reading about Black male-female romantic relationships. And, despite the barrage of negative press about the Black community being a wild, crazy, and promiscuous place, most Blacks are really quite traditional in their beliefs about sex, dating, and marriage. Indeed research continues to indicate that although the majority of Black Americans are currently single, the vast majority of these singles aspire to marry.

Unfortunately no one has the power to change the often-unpleasant reality confronting you as a Black single. I cannot alter the low number of eligible Black males in relation to Black females, for example. But I can offer you advice to increase your probabilities of finding and sustaining romance--despite what at times must appear to be insurmountable odds.

"Probabilities" is the key word here. My foremost goalis to increase your chances of obtaining greater romantic satisfaction. Your chances of finding romance can be greatly enhanced first by having a better understanding of why you like and are liked by others, and second by recognizing and appreciating those things that make you want to enter and stay in romantic relationships. It is reasonable to assume that a greater understanding of the dynamics of romance will enhance your probability of finding and sustaining romantic happiness. At the same time, no one ever acquires sufficient mastery of romantic relationships so as to be successful every time--no one wins them all! It's important to accept this fact early on. Sometimes you will be successful in getting a certain person to like you, and other times you won't be. Accepting this is important, because it should decrease the amount of time you spend in pursuit of those people who may never really respond to you. Also, recognizing this fact early increases
the probability that you will spend more time on those persons who do have sufficient interest in you. The pain and frustration of chasing someone not at all interested in you is an unhappy experience we all have shared. Such apparent losses are inevitable, because some people you might like to know better simply do not value those personal attributes you have to offer.

It was not one of my primary goals to provide information that would "fix" preexisting problematic relationships. In fact, I address only slightly ways to salvage a troubled romance. Instead this book is designed to help you meet and choose new romantic partners. However, in no way do I wish to suggest that beginning a relationship is more important than sustaining one. I elected to focus on the beginning phase of relationships because many people have tremendous difficulty getting romances started. Also, getting off to a good start is so very important to sustaining a successful long-term romantic relationship.

When I appear on talk shows or lecture panels, people often ask me if I have ever experienced difficulties with my own romantic relationships. My answer is "Of course!" I, too, have been a Black single, and have been married, divorced, and now recently remarried. Like everyone else, I have struggled with my romantic life. When I acknowledge this fact to audiences, I am often greeted with another question: "If you presumably know so much about romance, then why have you also experienced romantic ups and downs?" I respond to this humbling question in the following way: in some respects understanding romantic relationships is a little bit like understanding electricity. Being knowledgeable about electricity does not exempt me from its effects. In the same way, regardless of the extent of my knowledge, I am subject to the erratic power of romance and its currents.

Having a better understanding of romance should reduce our probabilities of experiencing repeatedly the same type and number of romantic difficulties. More specifically, an enhanced understanding of the dynamics of dating should increase your ability to obtain greater romantic happiness. Yet romance will probably never be so completely under your control as to not require your ongoing attention.