The Blessing Of A Skinned Knee: Raising Self-Reliant Children
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The Blessing Of A Skinned Knee: Raising Self-Reliant Children
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Overview
In the trenches of a typical day, every parent encounters a child afflicted with ingratitude and entitlement. Parents want so badly to raise self-disciplined, appreciative, and resourceful children who are not spoiled. But how to accomplish this feat? The answer has eluded the best-intentioned individuals who overprotect, overindulge, and overschedule their children's lives.
Sharing stories of everyday parenting problems and examining them through the lens of the Torah, the Talmud, and important Jewish teachings, The Blessing of a Skinned Knee shows parents how to teach children to honor and respect others. Parents will learn to accept that their children are both ordinary and unique, and treasure the power and holiness of the present.
Mogel makes these teachings relevant for any era, and any household of any faith. A unique parenting book, The Blessing of a Skinned Knee is both inspiring and effective in the day-to-day challenge of raising self-reliant children.
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781416593065 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Scribner |
| Publication date: | 12/02/2008 |
| Edition description: | Reprint |
| Pages: | 304 |
| Sales rank: | 371,605 |
| Product dimensions: | 5.40(w) x 8.30(h) x 0.80(d) |
About the Author
Read an Excerpt
Chapter 2: The Blessing of Acceptance:Discovering Your Unique and Ordinary Child I recently read a third-grade school newsletter that used the word special five times on two pages. The Thanksgiving Sing was special. So was the Spellathon. The Emerging Artists exhibition was special. Even the unassuming Pie Drive was, for reasons not clearly revealed by the newsletter coverage, special indeed. And, finally, this year's third-grade class was in itself a very, very special group. I wondered, Is it possible? So much specialness concentrated in one place? A cosmic coincidence? Or was this really an extraordinary school with unusually dazzling children, committed teachers, generous and energetic families? In fact, this school is a fine and good one. The children are intelligent and well behaved, the teachers care, the parents give of their time and money. But it is not a terribly unusual school, and I questioned the benefit of believing otherwise. The third-grade newsletter was not unique. At nearly every campus I visit, the staff, the posters on the walls, and the overall atmosphere emphasize that this is not merely a place of learning, it's a breeding ground for enlightened, compassionate champions. The schools are not to blame for their hubris. Parents, with their grand expectations for their children, have sparked the outbreak of specialness. My friend Paula, who runs a terrific elementary school, told of taking a mother on a prospective parents' tour of the campus. The mom said that her daughter Sloane had a strong interest in science. "At another school I visited, the kindergarten teachers put streamers in the trees to demonstrate the properties of wind to the students," she reported. "I'm hoping you would do that here too. I wouldn't want Sloaner to miss out." "We have leaves on our trees," Paula responded. "They do the same thing. Can't guarantee we'll be using streamers." Sloane's mother sent her daughter to the school with the streamers. The principal of another school complained to me about his frustration with parents' expectations: Too many parents want everything fixed by the time their child is eight. They want academic perfection, a child as capable as any other child in the Western hemisphere. Children develop in fits and starts, but nobody has time for that anymore. No late bloomers, no slow starters, nothing unusual accepted! If a child doesn't get straight A's, his parents start fretting that he's got a learning disability or a motivation problem. The normal curve has disappeared. Parents seem to think that children only come in two flavors: learning disabled and gifted. Not every child has unlimited potential in all areas. This doesn't mean most kids won't be able to go to college and to compete successfully in the adult world. Almost all of them will. Parents just need to relax a little and be patient. What's going on here? Why does the newsletter shout hosannas? Why is Sloane's mother so anxious for her daughter to experience a miniature physics lab in kindergarten? Why can't parents let their eight-year-olds develop at a natural, raggedy pace? When I began studying Judaism, one of the first things that struck me was how directly it spoke to the issue of parental pressure. According to Jewish thought, parents should not expect their children to be anyone other than who they are. A Hasidic teaching says, "If your child has a talent to be a baker, don't tell him to be a doctor." Judaism holds that every child is made in the divine image. When we ignore a child's intrinsic strengths in an effort to push him toward our notion of extraordinary achievement, we are undermining God's plan. If the pressure to be special gets too intense, children end up in the therapist's office suffering from sleep and eating disorders, chronic stomachaches, hair-pulling, depression, and other ailments. They are casualties of their parents' drive for perfection. It was children such as these who spurred me to look outside standard therapeutic practices for ways to help. In Judaism I found an approach that respects children's uniqueness while accepting them in all their ordinary glory.
Table of Contents
ContentsAuthor Notes
- How I Lost One Faith and Found Another
- The Blessing of Acceptance: Discovering Your Unique and Ordinary Child
- The Blessing of Having Someone to Look Up To: Honoring Mother and Father
- The Blessing of a Skinned Knee: Why God Doesn't Want You to Overprotect Your Child
- The Blessing of Longing: Teaching Your Child an Attitude of Gratitude
- The Blessing of Work: Finding the Holy Sparks in Ordinary Chores
- The Blessing of Food: Bringing Moderation, Celebration, and Sanctification to Your Table
- The Blessing of Self-Control: Channeling Your Child's Yetzer Hara
- The Blessing of Time: Teaching Your Child the Value of the Present Moment
- The Blessings of Faith and Tradition: Losing Your Fear of the G Word and Introducing Your Child to Spirituality
Notes
Recommended Reading
Index
Reading Group Guide
The Blessing of a B Minus
Parenting Group Discussion Guide
I’ve written this guide to provide parents of teenagers with a framework for discussing the topics of The Blessing of a B Minus in a group setting. Teachers and school administrators can also use the guide to form a group of their own. Talking about your concerns and getting the perspective of peers can be cathartic, reassuring, and eye-opening. Yet parents of teens are less likely to participate in parent education programs or discussion groups than parents of young children.
I witnessed this reluctance firsthand when I decided to hold my first classes for parents of teens a few years ago. I expected the classes would be similar to the ones I’d held for parents of children in elementary school, when the participants would arrive at my office like butterflies, wearing happy colors and alighting gracefully in their chairs. They talked a lot, commiserated, and smiled. We had fun. But when I walked into my first class for parents of teens, it felt as though the lighting had changed in the room. The parents wore darker clothes and darker expressions. They raised their hands to speak, and even when I called on them they didn’t speak much. A few of them admitted reasons for their reticence: they were afraid of betraying their teen’s privacy or worried the others would judge them for having poor parenting skills. After a few sessions, however, the parents discovered how much they had in common, even though their problems looked different on the surface. Once the ice was broken these parents were movingly honest and very funny. The payoff for overcoming the initial inhibition was a sense of proportion, a deeper understanding of the normal pain of raising adolescents, a feeling of hope, and an appreciation of the power of fellowship.
Despite reservations you might feel about sharing your parenting worries, I encourage you to give a parenting group a try. Here are a few guidelines I’ve developed over the years to create strong groups and get the discussion flowing.
Nuts and Bolts
Group size is an important element. A group that is too small can devolve into a chat session; one that’s too large will lack intimacy. Aim to have ten to twelve members in your group. (If you have a professional leader, such as an adolescent development specialist, counselor, or psychologist, the group can be larger, with up to twenty members.)
When and where should your group meet? The answers depend on the group’s composition. Parents working outside of home will be available on weekday evenings; those who have more flexible schedules may prefer to meet in the morning shortly after school drop-off. Weekend meetings are often harder to schedule because they conflict with teens’ activities and parental driving obligations. An exception to this rule occurs when parents whose children attend Sunday school together form a group of their own. If the school or your synagogue or church can offer you a meeting room, your group can conveniently assemble while the children are in class.
Most book discussion groups are held at members’ homes. The advantage of rotating among member’s residences is distribution of responsibility for hosting and traveling, the advantage of meeting at the same place each time is ease of navigation and familiarity.
I suggest scheduling an hour and a half for each meeting if you can start promptly, two hours if you want to allow for a brief schmoozing period at the beginning. Consider holding meetings weekly for a predetermined period: six to eight weeks is a typical duration. Of course, you can alter the schedule or extend the group as the members wish.
Groups can also meet in cyberspace via videoconferencing sessions and online discussions. But because of the technological requirements and the challenges of maintaining privacy, I recommend virtual meetings only when in-person groups are not possible.
How to Find Participants
As I mentioned, parents of teens are notoriously reluctant to discuss their problems. At one high school, the school counselor, desperate to boost enrollment in her parent education programs, changed the title of her discussion group from “Understanding Teen Social and Emotional Development” to “A Workshop on How to Get Your Child into College: The Impact of Teen Social and Emotional Development.” Since few parents got as far as the subtitle, the room was packed. I doubt you’ll need to employ trickery to find group members, but unless you already know several parents who want to start a discussion group, you’ll need persistence as well as a light touch. Try submitting an announcement to your school, church, synagogue or community center newsletter, or message board, or post it on a social networking site. You can write something like, “Escape from your teenagers! Meet new people with similar problems, make new friends; sharing of personal stuff is encouraged but not required…if you are a perfect parent with perfect child, you are not invited.” Or pass a similar email message announcing your group to anyone who has regular contact with parents of teens. This includes school administrators, coaches, private music teachers, tutors, the librarian, the head of the parents’ association, or the mom in your neighborhood who knows everyone. Ask these people to forward the message to possible group members. Another option is to look for members on Goodreads.com, a book lovers’ website that offers opportunities for its three million members to form book discussion groups.
Leadership
Almost everyone knows of a book club in which books are never discussed. If you want your parenting group to have some meat on its bones, consider hiring or appointing someone to lead it. A leader helps provide some structure; structure allows the members more confidence; and confidence leads to a deeper conversation.
If your group elects a moderator from one of its ranks, the members should grant her the authority to say things like, “We’ve gotten off track,” or “Let’s hear from someone else now,” or “That’s a great point. We’ll talk about it more in a few weeks.” A professional leader can perform these services and also offer expertise in adolescence. You can ask a counselor, social worker, or member of the clergy to take on the role. Make sure the leader has experience with teenagers. Although school administrators and teachers can make capable leaders, avoid using someone who works in a school attended by children of group members. (An exception is an exclusively school-based group led by a counselor from that school.) Otherwise the familiarity can make it difficult for parents of teens to be candid.
Ground Rules
A few good ground rules will keep the group members feeling comfortable and protected. Here are some possibilities for your group:
- If the group leader is not in charge of organizational details, appoint someone else to manage this task. This person will maintain contact information, send out meeting reminders, and handle other logistics as they arise. Members should contact this person if they are unable to attend a meeting.
- Meetings will be held at a regular time and won’t be rescheduled to accommodate the needs of individual members. Group members will do their best to arrive on time and stay for the full meeting.
- Group members acknowledge the privacy concerns of both parents and their teenagers; they also acknowledge the honor of being trusted with information about others’ families. What is said in the group will be kept confidential.
- No one is required to share personal information about themselves, their families, or their teens. The group agrees that members can opt to “pass” out of a discussion and remain quiet, without being badgered about this decision by other members.
- Members also agree to stay aware of the natural impulse to monopolize the discussion. They will refrain from excessive interruption and attempt to give equal airtime to everyone.
- Members will phrase comments about one another’s parenting decisions in respectful, positive terms. They agree to do more listening than advising and to refrain from psychoanalyzing, haranguing, or offering predictions about the fate of other members’ children.
Curriculum for a Blessing of a B Minus Parenting Group
Below is a curriculum for a parenting group that meets for eight sessions. Each session includes a reading assignment and discussion questions. Don’t be alarmed by the number of questions; I’ve included more questions than a group can reasonably expect to discuss in a ninety-minute session. The leader or group members can pick and choose from the questions according to the group’s interests. Questions should be forwarded to members in advance of each meeting, since some of them require personal reflection or a bit of research.
Session One
Reading assignment:
Chapter 1. The Hidden Blessings of Raising Teenagers
Chapter 2. The Blessing of Strange Fruit: Accepting the Unique Glory of Your Teen
Open the first session with introductions. Invite members to say their names and the gender, ages, and grades of their teens. If they wish, members can describe topics they hope the group will cover. Next go around the room and share brief general reactions to the assigned chapters. (“What stood out? What did you relate to?”) Then move on to the members’ answers to the chosen questions. Remind members that they are entitled to say “pass” when their turn comes up. Expect the class to take a few sessions to hit its stride. Be patient and as tolerant as possible, both with yourself and the other members, as many of these subjects are delicate and/or sensitive.
1. Discuss the idea that adolescence can be compared to the Israelites’ journey across the desert. In what areas are your teenagers still too green to enter the Promised Lands they long for?
2. How would you characterize your own teenage years? Do you wish to shield your child from what you went through, or would you like him or her to have some similar experiences?
3. How would you describe your child’s adolescence so far? What are your fears about their journey? What are your hopes for the next few years?
4. What is your leadership style as a parent? Do you tend to micromanage and worry a lot; do you issue orders from the top and expect them to be followed; or are you more laid back? What are the benefits and disadvantages of each style? How can you cultivate the quality of ‘compassionate detachment”?
5. Think of parents whose teenagers have grown into happy, productive, non-neurotic adults. How would you characterize their parenting style? Or interview one or two teachers or school administrators you admire. Ask them about the strategies they use to detach themselves from dramas while remaining respectful, effective leaders. Share these with the group.
6. What are your dreams for your child’s future? Where do they differ from your child’s own dreams?
7. Take an inventory of your child’s innate gifts and inclinations. Have you expected your child to change in ways that may not be possible due to his natural temperament? Where can you reasonably ask your child to stretch?
8. When is it appropriate for a parent to insist that a child develop skills that will contribute to a well-rounded, successful adult life? What is your view about requiring teenagers to master a musical instrument, become fluent in a second language, play at least one sport, or develop a specialized area of academic knowledge, even if the child resists?
9. Looking back at the past week and month, make your own appreciation list similar to the one on page 28. Try viewing your teen from the standpoint of a cultural anthropologist. What do you appreciate about your “strange fruit”?
Session Two
Reading assignment:
Chapter Three. The Blessing of a Bad Attitude: Living Graciously with the Chronically Rude
1. Are teens today truly less polite than teens of previous generations, or do elders always despair of the callowness of youth?
2. What manners did you learn at home that stood you in good stead in your adult life? Were any oppressive or unnecessary? What was neglected in your social education?
3. Fill in the blank: I wish to foster mutual respect and decorum in my home but consistently struggle with ___________.
4. Make a list of standards for minimum politeness in your home. How does it differ from mine? From others in the group? Do you find that there is a general consensus, or does there seem to be a lack of community agreement about what constitutes good manners in adolescents?
5. Many of the parents I work with guiltily describe their pattern of interaction with their teens as “Nice, nice, nice…mean!” In other words, they accommodate their teens’ challenging behavior until they explode in fury. Does this describe your own pattern? What would a more productive pattern look like? What can you do to shift your rhythm of emotional responses?
6. Is it possible that your child is too polite? Is she a people pleaser? Inhibited? Not as forthright with peers as you would like him to be?
7. Do you believe in double standards for parents and teens when it comes to salty language, keeping your word, and being on time?
8. Do you wake your teen each weekday morning? Do you mind starting your day this way? What are the potential disadvantages of this courtesy?
9. List some ways you put “money in the bank of goodwill” for your teen. Are they effective?
Session Three
Reading assignment:
Chapter Four. The Blessing of a B Minus: The Real Lessons of Homework, Chores, and Jobs
1. What are your own household chores? What is your attitude toward doing them?
2. Make a list of the tasks you’d like to add to your child’s to-do list. (This list could include specific chores, or responsibility for keeping track of homework assignments, or getting a paid job.) Then list the obstacles that may prevent you from following through on this list. If you wish, share the two lists with the group and ask for suggestions for overcoming hurdles.
3. How much parental involvement in homework is appropriate? Is a hands-off approach ever best? How has your view changed from your child’s earlier school years?
4. Do you agree that a teen should be allowed to have a messy bedroom, or do you feel that a disorderly space means a disorderly mind?
5. If your child lets stuff pile up in his room, is it ever appropriate to go in and sort through the notebooks, clothes, paper, and junk? What about discarding these things without your teen’s permission? What are the costs and benefits?
6. In an economy where jobs are scarce, unpaid internships are becoming more and more popular as a way to gain work experience and build a resume. Yet in this chapter I compare such internships unfavorably to ordinary, unglamorous paid jobs. Do you find my view old-fashioned, impractical or sensible?
7. Does your teen have a job? What are the best opportunities for part-time work in your area?
Session Four
Reading Assignment:
Chapter Five. The Blessing of a Lost Sweater: Managing Your Teen’s Materialism, Entitlement, and Carelessness
1. What was your favorite item of clothing, sports equipment, room decoration, gadget, tool, or other “toy” as a teenager?
2. When you were a teen, were there specific items you coveted but never received? Did you feel deprived? Did this feeling have a negative impact on you? Or was there an advantage in it?
3. Is your child too materialistic? How might the example you set reinforce this tendency?
4. Some teens like to look sharp, while others prefer worn out, sloppy, or dirty clothing. If your child is uninterested in what you consider proper attire and grooming what might he or she be trying to communicate with this style? What role do you wish to take in enforcing standards of dress?
5. Invite a member of the group to read the story of Lily and the rejected BMW aloud in class. What is your reaction to Lily’s parents’ response? How would you react if your child complained about a generous gift?
6. Think of an exchange in which your teenager was angry with you for not providing a particular item or performing a particular service. How did you react? If you wish you could have handled the situation differently, try role-playing it with another parent in the group.
7. Do you possess “healthy narcissism”? What are some ways you can demonstrate conviction about the importance of looking nice and caring for your needs?
8. Re-read the graduation dress story. Do you find yourself sympathizing with either Mom A or Mom B? Why?
Session Five
Reading Assignment:
Chapter Six. The Blessing of Problems to Solve: Letting Your Teen Learn from Bad Judgment and Stressful Situations
1. Where is your child too intolerant of suffering? Is it in math, sports, or dull tasks such as proofreading or memorization? Do you see your child as oversensitive to teasing from friends or criticism from adults?
2. And where is your child too tolerant and unable to stand up for himself when a legitimate problem arises?
3. Do you frequently rush in to save your child from unpleasant situations? Think of a specific instance. Are you glad you intervened or helped out, or do you regret your actions? If you wish to respond differently in the future, how can you remind yourself to stop and reflect before rushing in too quickly?
4. Teens have a right to make mistakes and learn from them—and so do parents. How do you feel when you realize you’ve made a parenting misstep? Are you modeling the self-acceptance you want your teenager to develop?
5. Page 102 describes the need to distinguish dramas from emergencies. Share ideas with the group about ways to tell the difference.
6. What were your experiences of good danger during adolescence? Did you travel without adult supervision? Spend time with people very different from your own family or community? Lie to your parents about your whereabouts to gain some freedom? How did these experiences prepare you to navigate life on your own?
7. Do you suffer from “mean world syndrome”? How can you cultivate a nonalarmist but realistic view of your environment?
8. Did you ever experience danger that left a lasting, upsetting impression? Did the experience teach you street smarts? Or did it wound you in some way? How do these experiences affect the way you raise your teenager?
Session Six
Reading Assignment:
Chapter Seven. The Blessing of Staying Up Late: Making Time for Rest and Fun
1. Did you take your children to religious services when they were young? If so, is your teenager enthusiastic about attending now? What are the best ways to handle a teen’s reluctance to participate in religious activities?
2. Did you celebrate Shabbat or a day of rest when your child was smaller? Do you now? What are ways you can draw the spirit of Shabbat into your week?
3. Does your teen have enough time for sleep and relaxation?
4. How do you feel about stepping in when an overworked, overtired teenager insists that she “likes being busy” or that he “doesn’t need to sleep”? Where do you draw the line between letting a teen learn the downside of overscheduling and protecting him from the pressure of our hypercompetitive culture?
5. What activities provided you with the most fun and flow as a teenager?
6. What is your teenager’s preferred method of chilling out? Does it offend, frighten, or annoy you?
7. Many parents of teens say they feel left out and depleted. What pathways to flow have you tried? Have you expanded your social world? What is working? What isn’t?
8. What’s your policy about your teen entering your bedroom? Do you have a private space that is entirely your own?
Session Seven
Reading Assignment:
Chapter Eight. The Blessing of Breaking the Rules: Real Life as Ethics Lab
1. Re-read pages 136 through 139 about the “traps” parents fall into when their child breaks rules. Which of these traps lure you most often? How can you avoid them?
2. When you were a teenager, how did your parents discipline you? Were they hands-off? Did they use physical punishments or humiliation? Did they follow through on the consequences they threatened? Ask yourself which aspects of their disciplinary techniques helped you acquire an ethical sense, and which aspects left you feeling rejected or ashamed.
3. Think of three or four common teen misdeeds and come up with an example of teshuvah for each. Share these with the group.
4. Quickly, name your child’s five worst traits. Don’t think too hard! Now recast each as a talent, gift, or positive attribute. Resist sarcasm. How can you provide your child with channels for the productive expression of these traits?
5. Explore your double standards (we all have them) by answering the questions on page 152. Can you spot any contradictions between what you say and what you do? Can you make changes? What obstacles do you anticipate facing if you try to improve?
Session Eight
Reading Assignment:
Chapter Nine. The Blessing of a Hangover: A Sanctified Approach to Substances and Sex
Chapter Ten. The Courage to Let Them Go
1. What did your parents or childhood religion teach you about the role of pleasure in life? Were you taught that sex or inebriation is shameful? Were you around adults who couldn’t control their drinking, drug use or other impulsive behaviors? How do these experiences affect the way you are raising your teen?
2. What is your stance toward teenage experimentation? Are you the pleasure police? Or do you cover your eyes, ears, and intuition?
3. Were you surprised by my philosophy that teens may benefit from experimentation with substances and physical affection while they are still under their parents’ protection? How do you feel about expecting teens to remain celibate and sober until they are in college or on their own?
4. When your teen approaches you about a delicate topic, do you tend to overreact? Or underreact? What strategies can you use to remain composed while feeling embarrassed or unsure?
5. Come up with a couple of situations in which a parent might have to make a difficult decision about a child’s readiness. (Some ideas: A teenager wants to go out with a friend whom you distrust; wants to study in the bedroom with friends of the opposite sex; asks you to help procure birth control.) Ask yourself how a thoughtful parent would break down the request and apply the “natural laboratory” concept to make a decision. Role-play the request with another parent in the group.
6. Where do you stand on the concept of “friends with benefits”?
7. Do you agree with the idea of “truthiness” as a parental stance?
8. Take an inventory of your daily delight quotient. How might you bring more sensual pleasures into your life?
9. When your child leaves home to attend college or live independently, do you expect to feel as sad as the father in chapter ten? Or mostly nervous? Or joyful? Or relieved? Or all four? If your child has attended sleepaway camp or an out-of-town program, use your reaction to that experience as a guide.
Conclusion
It’s so enlightening and such a relief to get together with other parents who are fellow travelers in the desert of adolescence that it may be as difficult to end your group as it was to begin it. When the eight sessions are over, say a warm goodbye…or exchange email addresses or become Facebook friends with those members whose company you particularly enjoyed. You can also consider holding further meetings. The Jewish custom of the havurah, a small group of people who meet regularly to celebrate Shabbat, lifecycle events, and holidays, provides a model for a possible Promised Land for parents, especially those who have an empty nest facing them in the near future.
Introduction
The Blessing of a Skinned Knee: Using Jewish Teachings to Raise Self-reliant Children
Welcome! This on-line guide was developed to help parents who would like to participate in a parenting class using the concepts in The Blessing of A Skinned Knee as a foundation. However, there are many ways you can benefit from the ideas in the guide. We invite you to print it out and use it for:
• synagogue parenting classes• book club discussion groups
• grade-level parent meetings at your child's school
• community center or neighborhood parent support groups
• individual guidance while reading The Blessing of a Skinned Knee
Martin Luther King described the goal of his ministry as comforting the disturbed and disturbing the comfortable. A Jewish parenting class should also accomplish these goals. A Jewish parenting class examines the everyday challenges of child-rearing from the perspective of the beit din (the ancient court of Jewish law). Every decision we make as parents has not only psychological dimensions but moral, ethical, and spiritual ones as well. Using a Jewish perspective to understand parenting problems gives us a long view and reveals the underpinnings of the problem, not just the surface cuts and scratches. In a Jewish parenting class, the goal is not to put a Band-Aid on the current difficulty — to simply comfort the disturbed — but to stretch ourselves by learning basic Jewish principles of living.
You canexpect to leave a Jewish parenting class with:
• A deeper understanding of Jewish thought• nsight gained about your individual child: his or her temperament, natural endowments, interests, and inclinations
• Resources for finding basic information about different stages of your child's social development
• An understanding about how certain aspects of our culture impede parents who are trying to raise self-reliant, compassionate, optimistic children
• Guidelines about defining appropriate expectations for children
• Insights about how your own psychological needs may be hampering your child's growth
A good Jewish parenting class is profound but never solemn or staid. Pilpul (from the Hebrew, "pepper") is a dialectical method of Talmudic study and debate, consisting of drawing out the broadest range of logical possibilities in the text. The purpose of pilpul is both to deepen the participants' understanding of the applications of the law and to sharpen their wits. Disagreements, laughter, tragic stores, laughter, juicy stories, laughter, teasing and tenderness — a good Jewish parenting class is peppery.
Class Size and Participants
Classes can range from a minimum of six members for informal parent support groups to up to twenty participants for professionally led parenting classes. With fewer than six members you run the risk that typical rates of attrition, plus one or two parents home with a sick child or a competing commitment, may leave the group with only two members — intimate but without the potential for the same vitality and shared learning that a larger group affords. My favorite size is twelve. Classes work best when the parents have children in the same age range: early elementary, later elementary, middle school, or high school.
When and Where
Classes can meet in members' homes, at synagogue, or after drop-off or pick-up at school. Weekdays usually work best, but another good option is a Sunday morning class that meets while children are in religious school. When possible — for example, if the class is sponsored by a synagogue or school — provision of on-site child care is a wonderful asset and will increase enrollment.
Length and Frequency
No matter how dedicated and enthusiastic, every group needs ten minutes for the arrival of stragglers and for settling in and warming-up. An hour and forty-five minutes to two hours is an ideal class length. With less time the class is not worth the effort of investing in child care and travel.
Weekly meetings for six consecutive weeks work well for parenting classes with a designated leader and structured curriculum. Havurot (family friendship groups) and leaderless support groups often meet less frequently (biweekly or monthly) but continue for months or even years. I led one group that lasted for two years. My colleague, parent educator Marilyn Brown, has a continuously running class that began with mothers of new babies and toddlers and now consists of mothers of pre-teens.
No one would want to attend a parenting class that followed Roberts Rules of Order, but some guidelines for conduct and attendance will help things to run smoothly. During the first meeting, the group can decide whether or not a set of explicit guidelines are needed. Here are some rules other groups have adopted:
• Meeting times will be established during the first meeting and won't be changed to accommodate the schedules of individual group members.• No taping of the group for spouse or friends.
• Each group member is obligated to call if they are unable to attend and to leave a message with the leader or designated person in charge of organizational details.
• Since latecomers distract others, everyone will make the commitment to arrive on time.
• For classes held at the school the children attend: the topics of the administration, teachers, and curriculum are off limits.
• Maimonides teaches us to rebuke and at the same time to elevate. Translated to parenting class etiquette, this means that we phrase comments in positive terms, do not criticize one another, and respect opinions that diverge from our own.
• Parents agree to keep what is said in the group confidential. Confessions, harangues and problems will not be repeated outside of the group.
• No one should be pressured to reveal anything about themselves or their family if they choose not to. If group members are responding to questions "around the table," any member can decline to speak by saying, "I pass."
Each class has:
• a central topic
• one or two chapters of required reading to be completed before the class
• a reflection assignment to be thought about before the class
• a quote or quotes of the day to be written on a board or read aloud before each class
• a list of discussion questions that will be handed out at the beginning of each class
Each member can download or photocopy this entire guide and review the reflection and discussion questions before each class. I've intentionally provided more questions than even the most ambitious and organized group can cover in a two-hour class. The leader or group members can select from among the questions listed based on each particular groups' interests and concerns.
Name tags should be provided for all participants for each session.
Topic
Helping our children realize their potential without creating stress.
Reading Assignment
Chapter 1. How I Lost One Faith and Found Another
Chapter 2. The Blessing of Acceptance: Discovering Your Unique and Ordinary Child
Reflection Assignment
Look at a photo album with pictures of you when you were your child's age. Try to recall your natural interests and passions at that time. Think about how the expectations of your family and the environment you were living in helped these inclinations flourish or wither.
Quotes of the Day
"If your child has a talent to be a baker, do not ask him to be a doctor." (Hasidic)
"When I reach the world to come, God will not ask me why I wasn't more like Moses. He will ask me why I wasn't more like Zusya." (Early Hasidic leader, Rabbi Zusya)
Begin the first class with introductions around the table. Participants should tell the names, ages, and grades of their children and mention any topic they hope to cover in the course of the six meetings.
Discussion Questions
• Think about your child's talents, inclinations, passions? How would you describe his nature? Is he like you? Different in tempo, interests, volatility?• What opportunities does he have to express his natural inclinations?
• Are there telltale signs (bedwetting, fears, apathy, irritability, sleeplessness, nail chewing, hair-pulling) that you may be pressuring your child to achieve at a high level in areas in which she is not endowed?
• Reflect on whether you are accepting "good enough" or looking for perfection from your child? From yourself as a parent?
• Think of a family where the kids have turned out well. Ask them for guidance about their expectations (for grades, for music practicing, for help around the house) of their children. Share what you learn with the group.
• Share strategies you've used for resisting the "flu bug" of competition with other group members.
Topic
Granting our children freedom: Where do wise parents draw the line?
Reading Assignment
Chapter 3. The Blessing of Having Someone To Look Up To: Honoring Mother and Father
Chapter 4. The Blessing of a Skinned Knee: Why God Doesn't Want You to Overprotect Your Child
Reflection Assignment
When you were growing-up how did you address your parents and their friends? How did you address teachers? If you were required to be more formal than your children are, what were the advantages and disadvantages?
Think back to your childhood. On a summer night, were you able to play outside until dark without adult supervision? Could you ride your bike freely in your neighborhood? Recall the bones you broke, the adventures you had. What were the benefits of this degree of freedom? Any harm? Compare your experiences to your child's current degree of freedom.
Quotes of the Day
"When a person honors the parents, God says, 'I consider it as though I lived with them and they honored me.'"(Talmud, Kiddushin, 30b)"Do not to put a stumbling block before the blind." (Leviticus,19:14)
Discussion Questions
Take an inventory of honor by asking yourself these questions:
• Do you allow your children to interrupt you when you are on the phone?
• Do you have a designated place at the dinner table? Do the children sit in your place?
• Do your children consistently contradict you?
• Do they talk back to you in public?
• Do you give your children enough opportunities to help out? To demonstrate thoughtfulness? To take care of you?
• Do they respect your privacy? Do they enter your room or take your things without asking?
• Do your older children commandeer the remote? Tie up the phone line? Forget to give you phone messages they have taken?
• What are your family's rules of hakhnasat orchim (hospitality to guests and playdates)? Compare your ideal to your real situation.
• Do you set an example in the way you treat your own parents?
• Share strategies around the table for combating rude talk and entitlement. Share consequences and rewards that have been effective.
• What creative ways have group members found to give children freedom while still keeping them safe?
Topic
Giving and receiving.
Reading Assignment
Chapter 5. The Blessing of Longing: Teaching Your Child an Attitude of Gratitude
Chapter 6. The Blessing of Work: Finding the Holy Sparks in Ordinary Chores
Reflection Assignment
When you were growing up, did you have as much stuff, clothes, books, vehicles, athletic equipment, and toys as your children do? Was the stuff in as many places in the house? Did your family try to repair things before replacing them? If yes, what lessons did this teach you?
What chores did you do? How did you help your parents in other ways? What did you learn from having these responsibilities? What did you sacrifice?
Quotes of the Day
"He who has one hundred wants two hundred." (Jewish saying)"Slavery is responsibility without authority." (British psychoanalyst, W.R.Bion)
Discussion Questions and Activities
• Make a list of those things you believe your child is entitled to and those that are privileges to be earned. Compare lists with other group members.• Does your family have a ritual for expressing gratitude?
• Do you let your children know what makes you grateful towards them?
• Do you frequently lift your spirit by going shopping? How often do you buy something and then regret it or find you already have the same or a similar thing at home?
• Does your child know which charities to which you contribute? Does she know why you've chosen them?
• What chores does your child do daily? Weekly? Do you need to nag or remind?
• What methods have group members found to encourage their children to take initiative about helping out at home?
Topic
Discipline
Reading Assignment
Chapter 8. The Blessing of Self-Control: Channeling Your Child's Yetzer Hara
Reflection Assignment
Take a moment to think about the way your parents disciplined you. Were they laissez faire parents? Guilt inducing? Overcontrolling? Trial and error? What aspects of their techniques of discipline were constructive and helped you develop self-control and a sense of security? What aspects caused you to feel anxious or rejected?
Quotes of the Day
"Be it ever your way to thrust your child off with the left hand and draw him to you with the right hand." (Talmud, Sotah 47z)"What is the normal child like? Does he just eat and grow and smile sweetly? No, that is not what he is like. A normal child, if he has the confidence of his mother and father, pulls out all the stops. In the course of time he tries out his powers to disrupt, to destroy, to frighten, to wear down, to waste, to wangle and to appropriate. Everything that takes people to the courts (or to the asylums for that matter) has its normal equivalent in infancy and childhood, in the relation of the child to his own home." (Pediatrician and psychoanalyst, D.W. Winnicott)
Discussion Questions
• Think of your child's worst trait: anything from a little annoying habit or attitude to a big problem that has his teachers exasperated or deeply concerned. Then reframe it — think of this trait as your child's greatest strength. What are the good aspects of the trait? How might it benefit your child now and in adulthood?• Ask yourself which aspects of your child's environment are obstacles to this trait being expressed positively: An overly busy schedule? Inappropriate expectations for school performance? Sleep deprivation? Poor organization of his room, desk, supplies? School work that is too difficult? Too easy? Not enough playtime or downtime?
• Examine your discipline strategy: Are you pumping up small problems? Being inconsistent? Making empty threats? Sticking with an ineffective approach?
• Share strategies with other group members for consequences for misbehavior and rewards for compliance and good attitude.
Reading Assignment
Chapter 7. The Blessing of Food: Bringing Moderation, Celebration and Sanctification to Your Table
Quotes of the Day
"The Jewish mother betrays an unusual amount of concern about the problem of feeding her children. In general, she should stop worrying so much about how much they eat and what they wear." (A 1923 article in the Froyen Zhurnal, a Yiddish advice magazine for newly arrived immigrants)"Since the destruction of the Temple, every table in every home has become an altar." (Talmud, Pesachim 4b)
Reflection Activity
What are your most pleasant childhood memories of the tastes, smells and presentation of food? What were your holiday food rituals? What are your least pleasant memories of food tensions or battles with your family?
Discussion Questions
• Explore the attitudes towards food that you bring from your childhood. Did you grow up with destructive attitudes that you don't want to pass along to your children? Are there memories you wish to preserve?• Take an inventory of the example you set for your children. Do you eat leftovers from their plates? Do you eat standing up in front of the pantry where the crackers and cookies are kept? Do you frequently eat in the car?
• Are you so afraid of having fats and sugar in the house that you deprive the children of a normal range of foods?
• What are your children's' favorite foods? Do they know what foods you love?
• Are you teaching them how to cook?
Topic
What are our goals in raising our children?
Reading Assignment
Chapter 9. The Blessing of Time: Teaching Your Child the Value of the Present Moment
Chapter 10. The Blessing of Faith and Tradition: Losing Your Fear of the "G Word" and Introducing your Child to Spirituality
Quote of the Day
"If you truly wish your children to study Torah, study it yourself in their presence. They will follow your example. Otherwise they will not themselves study Torah, but will simply instruct their children to do so."(Rabbi Menahem Mendel of Kotsk)
Reflection Assignment
As a child, how much time did you have to daydream and reflect? What activities did your family do together that you enjoyed? What religious education and worship experiences did you have as a child? In what ways did they enrich your life? Did you feel frustrated and oppressed by them? Confused?
Discussion Questions
• Has your home life gotten so pressured that you often prefer to be at work?• What would be the obstacles to a "tech free" (no computer, no beeper or cell phone) day of the week at home? What would be the benefits?
• What aspects of your childhood religion do you want to pass along to your children? A predictable cycle of ritual events and celebrations? A lens on right and wrong, fate and justice? Sounds, odors, tastes, and beautiful images? What was missing from your childhood experience that you would like to provide for your family?
• Does lack of skill or self-consciousness prevent you from taking part in religious rituals?
• What obstacles are in the way of finding a community that shares your religious or spiritual beliefs? Geography? Snobbery? Shyness? Finances?
Class is over! Say goodbye, trade e-mail addresses, consider continuing your learning as a group by finding a rabbi or Jewish educator to teach you from Jewish texts or plan a parenting book discussion group using the list of recommended readings at the back of The Blessing of a Skinned Knee.
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