Bloodsucking Fiends

Bloodsucking Fiends

4.2 283
by Christopher Moore
     
 

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Jody never asked to become a vampire. But when she wakes up under an alley Dumpster with a badly burned arm, an aching back, superhuman strength, and a distinctly Nosferatuan thirst, she realizes the decision has been made for her.

Making the transition from the nine-to-five grind to an eternity of nocturnal prowlings is going to take some doing, however, and

Overview

Jody never asked to become a vampire. But when she wakes up under an alley Dumpster with a badly burned arm, an aching back, superhuman strength, and a distinctly Nosferatuan thirst, she realizes the decision has been made for her.

Making the transition from the nine-to-five grind to an eternity of nocturnal prowlings is going to take some doing, however, and that's where C. Thomas Flood fits in. A would-be Kerouac from Incontinence, Indiana, Tommy (to his friends) is biding his time night-clerking and frozen-turkey bowling in a San Francisco Safeway. But all that changes when a beautiful undead redhead walks through the door...and proceeds to rock Tommy's life — and afterlife — in ways he never thought possible.

Editorial Reviews

From the Publisher
"Deft and funny." —The New York Times Book Review
Publishers Weekly - Publisher's Weekly
A young man falls in love with a beautiful vampire in Moore's offbeat comic novel. (Oct.)
Library Journal
Tommy Flood, a teenaged Jack Kerouac wannabe, leaves his home in Indiana to search for his artistic muse and some adventure. What he finds is Jody, a beautiful redhead who has recently been transformed into a vampire and is trying to find a way to cope with her new "life." Together they go on a giddy romp of San Francisco, dealing with the occasional corpse, some suspicious cops, and a nasty old vampire. They also discover some surprising truths about morality, love, and the mechanics of vampirism along the way. A note to vampire fans: Anne Rice this isn't. Filled with oddball characters, clever dialog, and hilarious situations that are Moore's (Coyote Blue, LJ 1/94) trademarks, this delightful tale deserves a spot on all popular fiction shelves. Highly recommended.-Rebecca House Stankowski, Purdue Univ. Calumet Lib., Hammond, Ind.

Product Details

ISBN-13:
9781416558491
Publisher:
Simon & Schuster
Publication date:
03/18/2008
Series:
Bloodsucking Fiends Series, #1
Edition description:
Reprint
Pages:
304
Sales rank:
122,527
Product dimensions:
5.50(w) x 8.43(h) x 0.70(d)

Read an Excerpt

CHAPTER 1
Death

Sundown painted purple across the great Pyramid while the Emperor enjoyed a steaming whiz against a dumpster in the alley be low. A low fog worked its way up from the bay, snaked around columns and over concrete lions to wash against the towers where the West's money was moved. The financial district: an hour ago it ran with rivers of men in gray wool and women in heels; now the streets, built on sunken ships and gold-rush garbage, were deserted quiet except for a foghorn that lowed across the bay like a lonesome cow.

The Emperor shook his scepter to clear the last few drops, shivered, then zipped up and turned to the royal hounds who waited at his heels. The foghorn sounds especially sad this evening, don't you think?"

The smaller of the dogs, a Boston terrier, dipped his head and licked his chops.

Bummer, you are so simple. My city is decaying before your eyes. The air is thick with poison, the children are shooting each other in the street, and now this plague, this horrible plague is killing my people by the thousands, and all you think about is food."

The Emperor nodded to the larger dog, a golden retriever.

"Lazarus knows the weight of our responsibility. Does one have to die to find dignity? I wonder."

Lazarus lowered his ears and growled.

Have I offended you, my friend?"

Bummer began growling and backing away from the dumpster. The Emperor turned to see the lid of the dumpster being slowly lifted by a pale hand. Bummer barked a warning. A figure stood up in the dumpster, his hair dark and wild and speckled with trash, skin white as bone. He vaulted out of the dumpster and hissed at the little dog, showing long white fangs. Bummer yelpedand cowered behind the Emperor's leg.

"That will be quite enough of that," the Emperor commanded, puffing himself up and tucking his thumbs under the lapels of his worn overcoat.

The vampire brushed a bit of rotted lettuce from his black shirt and grinned. I'II let you live," he said, his voice like a file on ancient rusted metal. That's your punishment."

The Emperor's eyes went wide with terror, but he held his ground. The vampire laughed, then turned and walked away.

The Emperor felt a chill run up his neck as the vampire disappeared into the fog. He hung his head and thought, Not this. My city is dying of poison and plague and now this--this creature-- stalks the streets. The responsibility is suffocating. Emperor or not, I am only a man. I am weak as water: an entire empire to save and right now I would sell my soul for a bucket of the Colonel's crispy-fried chicken. Ah, but I must be strong for the troops. It could be worse, I suppose. I could be the Emperor of Oakland.

Chins up, boys," the Emperor said to his hounds. "If we are to battle this monster, we will need our strength. There is a bakery in North Beach that will presently be dumping the day-old. Let's be off." He shuffled away thinking, Nero fiddled while his empire went to ashes; I shall eat leathery pastries.

Copyright ) 1995 by Christopher Moore

Meet the Author

Christopher Moore is the bestselling author of You Suck, A Dirty Job, The Stupidest Angel, Fluke, Lamb, The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove, Island of the Sequined Love Nun, Bloodsucking Fiends, and Practical Demonkeeping. Visit the
official Christopher Moore website at www.chrismoore.com.

Brief Biography

Hometown:
Hawaii and San Francisco, California
Date of Birth:
August 5, 1958
Place of Birth:
Toledo, Ohio
Website:
http://www.chrismoore.com

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Bloodsucking Fiends 4.2 out of 5 based on 1 ratings. 283 reviews.
Living_Life_n_AZ More than 1 year ago
If you wish to escape life for a while and laugh this is the book for you. Be careful where you read it however, as you will laugh out loud and be looked at strangely. You Suck is the followup and is just as funny.
BlowPop 4 months ago
So this book wound up being better than I thought it would at the start of it. At the start it was very boring and not funny and I *almost* DNF'd it. But right about the time I was getting ready to do so I came across a few mildly funny and not offensive parts and decided to keep going. The book didn't get funnier. Not by a long shot but it DID get better. I've read one other book by this author and while it was enjoyable, I just didn't find it funny at all. This author's humour seems to wind up more on the offensive rather than actual humour.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
rjdrennen More than 1 year ago
Really fun This book was a whole lot of fun to read. It was laugh out loud funny and very well-written. You should check it out if you like Christopher Moore and/or vampire tales.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I love this author's books. I've read them all and each one left me laughing out loud, this one is no exception. I'd love to meet a man who's mind works like this, what a fun night that would be!
lizasarusrex More than 1 year ago
Jody, a young girl with her whole life ahead of her, has suddenly and without warning, become a vampire. While she goes through her transition with no help from any other vampires, she learns by making mistakes and getting into trouble. She needs someone to help her do her daytime work, and C. Thomas Flood just falls into her lap a if he was destined to be with her. Tommy may not be the most sensible young man, but he does what he can with what he has to please Jody and accommodate her in any way she wants. This book has everything you'd ever need in a book, paranormal, intrigue, mystery, humor, thrill, and excitement. I wish I could praise this book more than I already have, I just absolutely love it! Definitely a 6/5. This is unlike any other vampire book out there. It's funny, witty, and Christopher Moore has an amazing dry sense of humor. I have loved every single one of his books, and this one was no exception. I follow Christopher Moore and look forward to all his upcoming books. He's very talented. I find myself reading his books over and over, and they never get old.
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