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The Book of BadStuff You Should Know Unless You're a Pussy
By Christopher Lee Barish
REBEL BASE BOOKSCopyright © 2011 Christopher Lee Barish
All right reserved.
Chapter OnePass a Polygraph Test
Whether you've been asked to take a lie detector test or need to clear your name, passing a polygraph test is easy-even if you're a sketchy, lying piece of shit. How dare they doubt your veracity? Your taxes helped buy this little toy. You should get to play with the polygraph, too, and question the details of their lives. We're all Americans here; didn't Aaron Burr shoot Alexander Hamilton for questioning his honor?
Understand that the test is more akin to black magic than credible science, because it depends on trickery, physiological responses, and the interpretation of an operator-it's just asking to be manipulated by your rogue mind.
Polygraph machines are designed to measure anxiety, so remember that no deceptive strategy will be effective if you fear the polygraph or are plagued by your own guilt. This chapter provides advice about beating the lie detector test, but it will only be useful if you are equipped with a rightful sense of impunity.
Understanding the Machine and the Format of the Test
The polygraph is composed of multiple (poly) sensors that detect your breathing rate, blood pressure, perspiration, and pulse. The interrogation procedure entails a series of relevant and control questions. The latter are intended to make you fib. An example of a control question is, "Did you ever lie to get out of trouble?" Of course you do not want to answer "yes" to that question while you are taking a lie detector test, but the operator knows that no human can honestly answer "no." The relevant questions are the ones that pertain to the offense for which you have been accused.
The polygraph compares your physiological responses (pulse, breathing rate, blood pressure, perspiration, body movement) to the control questions and your physiological responses to the relevant questions. They are looking for degrees of deviation from "normal," a condition which is established during the preliminary biographical questioning. If you demonstrate more anxiety-a greater deviation from normal-in response to the control questions, then you pass the test; if your anxiety is greater in response to the relevant questions, then you fail the test. If the results are about equal, then the test is deemed inconclusive. In other words, you want your anxiety level to be at its highest when you answer the control questions.
Polygraph manipulation techniques are never foolproof. If you are nervous or concentrate too hard on pulling off a given strategy, then the operator will be alerted to your plan to "beat the machine." The lie detector test is not a battle between man and machine; rather, it is a test of man's control of his own senses. The best advice to give is relax. Whether you are telling the truth or not, you need to believe your story and be cognizant of your body. The test may last from one to three hours, and you will be bombarded with questions. If you are not lying, then it will be a breeze-and if you are, stay calm.
Ace the Test
1. Refuse the polygraph if you can, but if you must take it ...
2. Before you enter the testing facility, acknowledge the absence of science or certainty in the lie-detecting process. The machine will only be effective if you believe in its infallibility, so understand that it is only a machine, not a sorcerer, and answer the questions with confidence and ease.
3. Relax and be wary of the operator's interview tricks. They will try to elicit a confession and take advantage of you if you seem inclined to succumb to intimidation tactics. Remember that the operator does not know anything more than what you have disclosed to him in the preinterview and interview. If your story has credence and consistency, then you will have an advantage. 4. Identify the questions as control or relevant during the interrogation process, and augment your blood pressure and heart rate when you respond to the control questions. Here are some examples of control question sabotage (perform only one technique at a time):
Control Question Sabotage
* Develop a breathing strategy. Throughout the test (except during control questions) maintain a steady breathing rate (example: fifteen to thirty breaths per minute). Do not breathe too deeply. When you are asked a control question, break your breathing pattern by inhaling faster or slower, and make your breathing shallower. Do this for five to fifteen seconds, then resume your normal breathing pattern before you are asked the next question. * Stimulate your emotions by thinking about something exciting, frightening, maddening, or erotic. It is common to try to conceal your emotions, but that takes measurable effort. It is wiser to relax and give your emotions free range during the interview, intensifying them during the control questions. * Bite your tongue or the side of your mouth. You want to cause pain, but you do not want to draw blood or attract the attention of the operator. Use this strategy during a "yes" or "no" question. This method is not ideal during a verbose answer, because you may not be able to time it correctly. If you plan to employ this method, you must practice at home to perfect the bite strategy. * Insert a pin under your toe and press down on it during the control questions. (This is an older method that is not applicable if the operator asks you to remove your shoes beforehand.) * If you do not have a pressure-sensitive seat, then you can contract your sphincter muscle when a control question is asked. Don't overdo this technique, because if you clench too hard, the graph will spike. Practice this at home first. You want to clench the sphincter and keep the buttocks inert. If you clench your buttocks muscles, then your body will shift.
5. There may be variable questions, such as word association exercises or image tests. During a word association exercise, answer with the first word that comes to mind. If you hesitate or try to search for a less incriminating word, then you actually put yourself at a disadvantage. The polygraph operator tries to eliminate the element of surprise from the test, so if he plans to give you an image test, he will give you some warning. Prepare yourself. Think of something soothing before the image test begins, and stay cool when you actually see the goods.
6. Use every control question technique in moderation. While the machine may not be able to detect every countermeasure, there is an operator scrutinizing you for signs of subterfuge. 7. Practice these methods at home to gain mastery before you face the machine. 8. Be consistent! The same questions will be posed numerous times under the guises of different phrasing. Believe your lies and answer with unequivocal confidence.
Do not fall for the post-interview trickery. The operator will often try to elicit a confession out of you by indicating failing test results, coaxing you into trusting him, or reminding you that there will be a lesser legal penalty if you just confess. Do not give in.
Chapter TwoScore Prescription Drugs
Oxycontin. Percocet. Vicodin. Prozac. Xanax. Valium. There really is a problem with prescription drugs in the United States, and the biggest problem is that many of us are having a hard time scoring some for ourselves. Why should a basket case or corporate blowhard get the goods, while you, a true drug experimenter are excluded? Moreover, today's power-hungry psychiatrist is putting the honest, hard-working drug dealer out of business.
Sure, if the shrink doesn't think you're sick enough for meds, you can kill him. You may even get away with it by saying it was his fault because he wouldn't give you your medication.
Here are some effective angles.
Methods for Scoring Meds
Be sick. The simplest method of obtaining a prescription is to truly exhibit the symptoms that it treats. You sick, disturbed, lucky bitch.
Friends or family. Purchase the drugs from a friend or family member who has a prescription or can get one. If they won't help you, do you have any friends who are troubled or sickly or both? Might they walk out of a psychiatrist's office with a wallet or purse full of prescriptions? Encourage your loved ones to see a doctor for their own sake. Next, remind them to mention the symptoms that will result in desirable prescriptions. Later offer to buy a few pills off of them. If you are lacking truly sick friends, then turn to your gullible friends. Commandeer their minds. Convince them that they need professional help for a crippling condition and, because you are so concerned, offer to drive them to the doctor yourself.
E-psych. (This option will disappear quickly, so take advantage of it while it's hot.) Visit a psychiatrist on the Web and request the pills. There are online forums in which clients approach psychiatrists with brief descriptions of their ailments and requests for medicine, and the psychiatrists fulfill their needs with prescriptions.
Acting. See a real psychiatrist or doctor about your "maladies." Research the pills that interest you. Which ailments and diseases do they treat? What are the symptoms of those ailments and diseases? Can you fake those symptoms? If so, then see the doctor, put on a show, and take home your shiny new bottle. Warning: If you choose to fake a disease, you must be convincing. Do not name the disease or suggest any medication. Pretend that your goal is to figure out what has been plaguing you, and you haven't given any thought to medicinal treatment.
Use your kids. Use your teenage child as a psychiatric pawn. Maybe it is time that they see the school psychologist or a private psychologist to discuss their difficulty paying attention in school-you might need to start a campaign of mental abuse to actually make them sick enough to get the meds you want.
Go borderline. Get the pills in Canada or Mexico (there are even Web sites for pill shopping in these more mature North American markets). Or anywhere outside the U.S. and bring them home. There are foreign prescription drug Web sites, but do not shop recklessly online. Be discreet and well informed. Make sure that Web sites are legit before you give them your information.
Swipe your own pad. Go to an office center that specializes in psychology and sit in the waiting room. Scope out when the doctors leave their offices for the bathroom or lunch breaks. These offices are generally very quiet and don't have any receptionists, office personnel, or nurses. Just those entitled pill gods. Calmly walk into a psychiatrist's office, open the desk drawer, and swipe an unused prescription pad (one that literally has your name on it from now on). Don't feel bad about this; these doctors are practically getting paid off by the pharm companies-they are the real thieves.
Overthrow a Pharmacy. This might be a last resort. Scope out a busy drugstore or pharmacy that has places to hide and an evening closing time. Bring a ski mask in your pocket and enter the store at a time when they are busiest and least likely to remember you. Don't do anything that calls attention to yourself. Tuck into your hiding place and wait for the store to close. When everyone has left, put on your ski mask and spring into action-raid the pharmacy and scoop up the meds you want. If you are truly paranoid (hopefully, the meds will cure this, however) or simply extra careful, you can burn down the place to make a statement and destroy any evidence.
LEGENDS OF BAD
Unknown Thieves Perhaps there is some kind of logic to keeping millions of dollars' worth of pharmaceutical drugs in a nondescript factory warehouse, virtually unguarded. But not to a couple of skilled thieves who stuck it to the Eli Lilly Corp, their overpaid sales force, power-hungry shrinks, and asshole pharmacists everywhere. During a blustery storm just before daybreak, near Springfield, MA, a team of rogues scaled the brick walls to the top of the building, bore a hole through the roof, turned off the alarms and rapelled down to the floor. They spent hours loading the feel-goods into a moving truck they had parked at the loading dock. Then they simply drove off with the largest pill heist in history, $75 million in wholesale value, including the meds: Zyprexa, Cymbolta and Prozac.
Chapter ThreeHack a Vending Machine
How many times over the course of your life have you been robbed by a vending machine? Sometimes your food choice gets stuck, and you're just sitting there like a schmuck watching it dangle. How many times have you been confused by the letter or number ordering system? You wanted spicy salsa Doritos and instead you've got yogurt and date trail mix. Maybe it won't accept your soiled dollars and makes it seem like you are the filthy one. So, you ask a passer-by if they'll trade bills with you, and they want nothing to do with you, and you don't even blame them.
Sometimes the vending machine flat out steals your money. You want your goddamned money back, so you wait weeks to confront the shylocks who own the vending machines. When they come to collect their cash, they tell you to stay back, like they're safecrackers in the C.I.A.-like you are not on their level. The vending machines have wronged you-and now it's time to collect.
We live in the gilded age of vending machine hackery. The digital era has introduced some pretty cool computerized vending machines, but the nature of their programming works in favor of hackers. There are ample riches to be found in modern Coke and Pepsi machines, including gratis colas and buckets of change.
Hackers decode the menus by pressing the machine's buttons in specific numerical patterns. These codes are unique to different vending machines. Rather than write out the decoding patterns for these different machines, it is much simpler for you to go to YouTube and type in "Hack a Vending Machine" in the search bar.
The following old-school hacking techniques are not specific to any particular model and hard drive. Just good old fashioned theft.
The "Taped" Bill Method 1. Use clear packing tape to tape both sides of a dollar bill. 2. Leave one inch of the bill exposed (on both sides), and insert that end first. 3. Make sure there are no air bubbles. 4. Create a tail of tape (about four or five feet long), and hold the end of the tail while the bill is fed into the machine. 5. After you have made your selection, and it registers, carefully pull the bill back out of the machine.
Saltwater it. Pour a saltwater mixture into a coin slot (you may have to sip the mixture in your mouth and spit it in there, and possibly chase it with a single coin to ensure proper flow of the liquid). This will short-circuit the machine, and it typically results in a free soda or two. If sodas are not immediately dispensed, just press a selection button and be prepared for the machine to spew soda bottles and buck. It may also emit change.
Smash it. If there are no cameras around (and newer machines have interior cameras), then smash the glass with a table leg, hammer, or some heavy instrument. Take the loot and run. Also, you can try tilting the machine.
The abortion. If the machine has a clear window, straighten out a wire hanger, lift the flap where the snacks drop, and snake the wire up into the machine. Poke a hole in the wrapper or just spear the food that has caught your eye.
Excerpted from The Book of Bad by Christopher Lee Barish Copyright © 2011 by Christopher Lee Barish. Excerpted by permission of REBEL BASE BOOKS. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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