The Book of Senior Jokes: The Ones You Can Remember

The Book of Senior Jokes: The Ones You Can Remember

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by Geoff Tibballs
     
 

A collection of the finest, funniest, and sauciest jokes about age and aging—here, at last, is a book guaranteed to make anyone laugh incontinently
 

Jokes from such "senior" luminaries as George Burns, Winston Churchill, Joan Rivers, Dorothy Parker, and many more fill this delicious companion to The Book of Senior Moments. Growing

Overview

A collection of the finest, funniest, and sauciest jokes about age and aging—here, at last, is a book guaranteed to make anyone laugh incontinently
 

Jokes from such "senior" luminaries as George Burns, Winston Churchill, Joan Rivers, Dorothy Parker, and many more fill this delicious companion to The Book of Senior Moments. Growing older is unavoidable, and there's only one solution. As your physical attributes drift southwards and your mental powers head for the hills, remember—and it's certainly difficult, given that you likely can't remember where you parked your car and you're currently addressing your youngest child as "Thingy"—that laughter always helps.

Editorial Reviews

From the Publisher

"Grandpa will get Geoff Tibball's jokey The Seniors' Survival Guide simply for its explanation of the difference between Wi-Fi and hi-fi, Jpeg and clothes peg."  —Telegraph on The Seniors' Survival Guide

Product Details

ISBN-13:
9781843173991
Publisher:
Michael O'Mara Books
Publication date:
06/01/2011
Pages:
176
Sales rank:
820,669
Product dimensions:
5.10(w) x 7.30(h) x 0.90(d)

Related Subjects

Read an Excerpt

The Book of Senior Jokes

(The Ones You Can Remember)


By Geoff Tibballs

Michael O'Mara Books Limited

Copyright © 2009 Michael O'Mara Books Limited
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-84317-766-1



CHAPTER 1

Resourceful Wife

Two old ladies met in the supermarket. After inquiring about each other's health, the conversation turned to their respective husbands.

'Oh,' said one, 'Bert died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped dead in the middle of the vegetable patch.'

'Oh, my!' exclaimed the other. 'What did you do?'

'Came here to buy a cabbage.'


* * *


The Face Looks Familiar

An elderly couple were driving across the north of England. The woman was driving when they got pulled over by the police.

'Excuse me, madam,' said the officer, 'did you know you were speeding?'

The woman, who was hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, 'What did he say?'

'HE – SAYS – YOU – WERE – SPEEDING,' the old man said loudly and slowly.

'May I see your licence?' asked the officer.

The woman again turned to her husband. 'What did he say?' she asked.

'HE – WANTS – TO – SEE – YOUR – LICENCE,' the old man said.

The woman gave the officer her licence. The policeman examined it and, as he handed it back, remarked, 'I see you are from Glasgow. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen.'

The woman turned to her husband and asked, 'What did he say?'

'HE – THINKS – HE – KNOWS – YOU!'


* * *


Standing by the Wife

An old woman was arrested for shoplifting in a supermarket. When she appeared in court, the judge asked what she had taken.

'A tin of peaches,' she said.

'Why did you take it?'

'They looked ever so nice,' the old woman answered. 'Fancied them for me tea but didn't have any money.'

The judge thought for a bit. 'Well, in view of your years I am prepared to be lenient. How many peaches were in the tin?'

'Four,' answered the old woman.

'Right – that will be four days in jail, one for each peach. Court dismi –'

'Your honour?' an old man cried.

'Yes?'

'My wife also stole a tin of peas.'


* * *


Marriage Proposal

An elderly widow and a widower had been dating for seven years. After much indecision, he finally summoned up the courage to ask her to marry him and she immediately said 'yes'. But the following morning he couldn't remember what her answer had been, so, in a state of mild panic, he decided to call her.

'This is really embarrassing,' he said, 'but when I asked you to marry me yesterday, well, this morning I simply couldn't remember what your answer was.'

'Thank goodness you called,' she replied. 'I remembered saying "yes" to someone's marriage proposal, but I couldn't remember who it was!'


* * *


Age Concerns

Three little old ladies were sitting around discussing the problems of ageing. The first lady said, 'You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning I was standing at the bottom of the stairs and I couldn't remember if I was just about to go up or if I had just come down.'

'Oh, that's nothing,' said the second lady. 'The other day I was sitting on the edge of my bed, wondering if I was going to bed or if I had just got up.'

'I'm pleased to say my memory is as good as ever, touch wood,' said the third lady, rapping her knuckles on the table. Then remarked: 'That must be the door – I'll get it.'


* * *


Virility Test

A couple in their late seventies decided to consult a fertility expert to see whether it was possible for them to have another child. The doctor said that recent scientific developments had greatly improved the prospects, but he was unwilling to commit himself until the husband had provided a semen sample. So he gave them a jar to take home and asked them to return in the next day or two with the sample.

Two days later, they went back to the doctor's with an empty jar. The husband apologized profusely. 'I tried my right hand,' he told the doctor, 'and then I tried my left hand. My wife tried her right hand, and then she tried her left hand. She even took her teeth out and used her mouth. But still we couldn't get the lid off the jar.'


* * *


A Problem Solved

A farmer had had to walk to the nearby town to collect supplies for his smallholding as his car had broken down. He called in at the hardware shop to pick up a bucket and an anvil, then he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. With no means of transport, he was faced with the problem of how to carry all his purchases home, but the livestock dealer had a good idea. 'Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' he suggested.

'Yes – that works. Thank you,' said the farmer, and off he went. He had barely walked ten minutes when he bumped into a little old lady who told him she was lost.

'I need to find a house called The Laurels,' she said. 'Do you know it?'

'Indeed I do,' said the farmer. 'As a matter of fact, it's on the way to my farm, so I can show you if you like.'

'How far is it?' asked the old lady.

'Only five minutes if we take a short cut down this alley.'

'But,' said the old lady, 'how do I know that when we get in the alley, you won't pin me against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your wicked way with me?'

'Good grief, woman!' exclaimed the farmer. 'In case you hadn't noticed, I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly pin you against the wall and have my wicked way with you?'

The old lady replied, 'Put the goose down, put the bucket over her, and the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'


* * *


A Moving Experience

An absent-minded academic had just moved to a new house further along the same street. All too aware of his tendency to forget things, his wife took the precaution of writing down the new address on a piece of paper before he set off for work that morning. 'Here's the key to our new house,' she said, 'and remember, don't come back here this evening, go to the new address.'

'Very well, dear,' he replied, and set off for work.

Inevitably in the course of the day he mislaid the slip of paper and, forgetting all about the move, he automatically returned to the old address. When he tried the key, he couldn't get in. This prompted him to remember the move and to search in his pockets for the piece of paper, which was nowhere to be found.

In desperation, he wandered along the street and stopped the first approachable young man he came across.

'Excuse me, young man, I'm Professor Richardson. You wouldn't happen to know where I live, would you?'

The boy sighed. 'Come with me, Dad,' he said.


* * *


Stage Fright

A theatre usher was alarmed to see an elderly gentleman crawling on his hands and knees beneath a row of auditorium seats in the middle of a serious dramatic play.

'What are you doing, sir?' he whispered. 'You're disturbing the audience around you!'

'I've lost my gum,' answered the old man, continuing to search under the seats.

'Sir,' continued the usher, 'if that's your only problem, allow me to offer you another stick of gum so that you can sit down and watch the rest of the play. A stick of gum is not worth all this commotion.'

'But you don't understand,' said the old man. 'My false teeth are in that gum!'


* * *


Hearing Loss

Two elderly gentlemen were sitting down to breakfast. One said to the other, 'Do you know you've got a suppository in your right ear?'

'Speak up. I can't hear you. My hearing aid is not working,' the other man bellowed.

The first man tapped his ear and pointed to his companion, who delved in his ear.

'Ah?' said he, removing the suppository. 'I'm glad you pointed that out. Now I think I know where I put my hearing aid.'


* * *


Drink Driving?

Ruby, who lived in a nursing home, was confined to a wheelchair although she was otherwise physically strong and active. She was, however, two sandwiches short of a full picnic.

Every night, when most of her fellow residents had retired to their rooms for the night, she would whizz around the nursing home in her electric wheelchair, making car noises.

'Brrm, brrmm ...' she was driving her car along a corridor, making squealing-tyre noises as she took a turn far too fast. 'Beep, beep!' she would shout, waking up anyone who had actually managed to fall asleep. Some of the residents were annoyed, but most of them had got used to Ruby's driving antics and were amused by them; some joined in.

As she hurtled round a corner one night, Colin stepped out and raised his hand. 'Stop!' She stopped. 'May I see your driving licence, please, madam?' Ruby delved in her bag and produced a small diary which she handed to him: 'Here you are, officer.' Colin took the diary, flicked through it and handed it back, and off she drove, just as Doris stepped up to her saying, 'You can't park here, madam.'

As she drove down the next corridor, Phil came out of his room and called, 'Stop!' He leaned down to her as she came to a halt. 'Your left-hand headlight seems faulty, madam. Did you know this?'

'Oh no, officer, the lights were working perfectly when I set off.'

'Well, may I see the vehicle's documentation?' Ruby dug in her bag once again and this time produced a sheaf of old medication notes, which she handed to Phil. He made a play of examining the papers, handed them back and sent her on her way.

She was just approaching Eddie's door when it flew open and he stepped out in front of her, stark naked and in an all too obvious state of arousal. 'Stop!' he cried.

'Oh no,' said Ruby, looking at what was in front of her. 'Not the breathalyser again!'


* * *


Turning a Deaf Ear

A husband was becoming increasingly concerned that his wife might have a hearing problem. So as they relaxed watching TV in their favourite armchairs one evening, he called across to her: 'Can you hear me, Ethel?' There was no response.

A few seconds later he asked her again, this time a little louder. 'Can you hear me, Ethel?' Still there was no response.

So he tried for a third time, louder still. 'Can you hear me, Ethel?'

She answered impatiently: 'For the third time, yes!'


* * *


Funeral Procession

A middle-aged man was walking along the street when he noticed an unusual funeral procession approaching the cemetery. There was a long black hearse at the front of the procession followed some distance back by a second long black hearse. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking with a dog on a lead. Behind him were around two hundred men walking in single file.

Unable to contain his curiosity, the passer-by respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and I realize this is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?'

'My wife's.'

'I am so sorry to hear that. What happened to her?'

'My dog attacked and killed her.'

'Oh no! And who's in the second hearse?' inquired the passer-by.

'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

The passer-by thought for a moment, and then asked tentatively, 'May I borrow the dog?'

'Get in line.'


* * *


Proof Required

An elderly man went to apply for social security benefit. As proof of his age, the woman behind the desk asked him for his driver's licence but he found that he had left it at home.

'Never mind,' said the clerk, 'unbutton your shirt.'

He thought it a strange request, but nevertheless he opened his shirt to reveal tufts of silver hair.

'That silver hair on your chest is sufficient proof for me,' said the clerk.

Later at home the old man recounted the story to his wife. She listened patiently before remarking caustically: 'It's a pity you didn't drop your trousers – you might have qualified for disability benefit, too!'


* * *


Senior Symptoms

An elderly man went to see his doctor. 'I need your help, doctor,' he said. 'Whenever I make love to my wife, my head starts spinning, my legs go weak at the knees, and I struggle to catch my breath. I'm worried that it could be something serious.'

'Well,' said the doctor, 'I'm afraid symptoms like yours can happen during sex as you get older. Just remind me, how old are you?'

'Eighty-nine.'

'And when did you first notice these symptoms?'

'Three times last night and twice again this morning.'


* * *


The Precious Hat

On a day of gale-force winds, a police officer noticed an elderly lady standing by the side of the road, gripping her hat while her skirt blew up around her waist.

He went over to her and said, 'Excuse me, madam, I don't wish to cause you embarrassment, but while you're holding on to your precious hat, passers-by and motorists are getting a good look at everything you have!'

'Listen, son,' she replied. 'What they're looking at is seventy-seven years old. But this hat is brand new!'


Putting the Cat Out

A middle-aged couple were going out to the theatre for the evening. They had got ready, donned their best clothes and put the cat out in readiness for the arrival of their taxi. But as the taxi pulled up and they opened the front door, the cat shot back into the house. Knowing from experience that the cat would wreak havoc if left alone in the house, the husband went back in after it while the wife waited in the taxi.

Noticing that there were quite a lot of people apparently just hanging around in the street on this warm summer evening, the wife became nervous, not wanting anyone to work out that the house would be empty for some hours, so she announced loudly – ostensibly to the taxi driver, but for all to hear: 'My husband's just gone in to say goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, the husband re-emerged from the house and got into the taxi.

'Sorry I took so long,' he said. 'The stupid thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out.'


* * *


Reason to be Cheerful

A group of pensioners were sitting around in a nursing home comparing their respective ailments.

'My hands are so shaky I can hardly lift this cup,' said one.

'My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour my coffee,' another said.

'I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,' said the third.

'My blood pressure pills make me dizzy,' complained the fourth.

'I guess that's the price we pay for getting old,' remarked the fifth.

'Yes, but it's not all bad,' said the sixth comfortingly. 'We should be thankful that we can all still drive.'


* * *


Loving Words

A couple who had been married for thirty-five years were lying in a hotel bed. They were just about to go to sleep when through the walls they heard a girl's voice say, 'Oh, honey, you're so strong.'

The husband turned to his wife and asked, 'Why don't you ever say that to me?'

'Because,' she replied, 'you're not strong any more.'

A few minutes later, they heard the girl's voice again: 'Oh, honey, you're so romantic.'

The husband turned to his wife, 'Why don't you ever say that to me?'

'Because,' she answered, 'you're not romantic any more.'

Five minutes later, they heard the girl's voice groan: 'Oh, honey, that was a wonderful orgasm. Thank you.'

The husband turned to his wife: 'Why don't you ever tell me when you have a wonderful orgasm?'

'Because,' she said, 'you're never around when I have them!'


* * *


Absent Friends

A little old lady received a home visit from a church worker who asked her how she was feeling.

'I'm worried sick,' replied the old lady.

'Why's that?' asked the church worker. 'You're in good health, aren't you?'

'Yes.'

'Then why are you so worried?'

'Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone to heaven,' explained the old lady. 'And I'm afraid they'll all be wondering where I went!'


* * *


Heart Murmur

An old man went to the doctor for a regular check-up. The doctor listened to his heart and declared: 'I'm afraid you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke at all?'

'No, doctor.'

'Do you drink to excess?'

'No, doctor.'

'Do you still have a sex life?'


(Continues...)

Excerpted from The Book of Senior Jokes by Geoff Tibballs. Copyright © 2009 Michael O'Mara Books Limited. Excerpted by permission of Michael O'Mara Books Limited.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Meet the Author

Geoff Tibballs has written more than 100 books including The Mammoth Book of Dirty, Sick, X-Rated and Politically Incorrect Jokes; The Mammoth Book of Humor; Ripley's Believe It Or Not! The Remarkable Revealed; and The Seniors’ Survival Guide.

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The Book of Senior Jokes: The Ones You Can Remember 2 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 2 reviews.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Read a few and to me anyway they were inapropreate. I didn't know the contant by reading the very small sample. I sent this book to the cloud.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I m 8