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Book of Truly Stupid Sports Quotes

Book of Truly Stupid Sports Quotes

by Jeff Parietti

With over 400 of the most hilariously bone-headed remarks ever made in the history of athletics, The Book of Truly Stupid Sports Quotes will have you laughing so hard you'll have to call "time out!"

"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
— Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his


With over 400 of the most hilariously bone-headed remarks ever made in the history of athletics, The Book of Truly Stupid Sports Quotes will have you laughing so hard you'll have to call "time out!"

"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
— Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his trip to Greece

"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
— Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
— Rod Brookin, senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
— Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann

Product Details

HarperCollins Publishers
Publication date:
Product dimensions:
6.12(w) x 6.12(h) x 0.56(d)

Read an Excerpt

Chapter One

No Brainers

"I'm in the best shape of my life and that includes my brain."
--Lenny Dykstra, Philadelphia Phillies outfielder

"Our goal is to get him through one game without having to use his batting helmet in the outfield."
--Manager Nick Leyva on Wes Chamberlain,Phillies rookie outfielder

"Why does everybody stand up and sing 'Take Me Out to the Ballgame' when they're already there?"
--Larry Andersen, major league hurler

"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
--Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker

"Physically, he's a world-beater. Mentally, he's an eggbeater."
--Michigan center Matt Elliott,describing Ohio State linebacker Alonzo Spellman

"If you put his brain in a blue jay, it [the bird] would fly backwards."
--Chicago Cubs hurler Al Nipper on pitcher Mitch Williams

"He's missing something upstairs, but that's what makes him a player."
--Tony Phillips, California Angels utility man,about teammate Rex Hudler

"I asked the doctor before he closedthe wound if he could putsome brains in there."
--Outfielder Rex Hudler, after smacking into a wallwhile trying to snare a foul ball

"If it's your brain, you'll be fine.That's the smallest organ in your body."
--Charles Barkley to Golden State Warrior Chris Mullin,who had fainted

"They keep me pretty much in the dark about everything. If it had blown up, I wouldn't have known anything about it."
--Dennis "Oil Can" Boyd, Boston pitcher, after the Red Sox didn't inform him about a bomb threat against a team flight

"I know the Virginiaplayers are smart because you need a 1500 SAT score to get in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to and from classes."
--George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach

"I play football. I'm not trying to bea professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuffI haven't been through in school."
--Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements

"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
--Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King

"Sometimes, God gives you physical talent and takes away the brain."
--Mike Ditka, Chicago Bears coach, on the crowd-inciting antics of Green Bay Packer linebacker Tim Harris

"The problem is, I don't know any exercises for their brains."
--Glen Sather, Edmonton Oilers coach, trying to correct his team's defensive flaws

"I get on my horse and go out and standin the middle of the woods and listen to birds. That's how I am. SometimesI go out in the woods and, you know,maybe talk to a tree."
--Kirk Gibson, major league ballplayer, on his relaxationtechniques

"To be honest, I don't think we have any brains out here."
--Ken Green, when asked which PGA Tour player would win a "Jeopardy" game

"I'm not sure when I'm going to play again. I've had enough brain damage for August."
--Nick Faldo, after an 8-over 80 at the PGA championship

Chapter Two

Oh, Really!

"Most of my clich�s aren't original."
--Chuck Knox, Los Angeles Rams coach

"It was a little different. It was likeplaying inside."
--Steve Webber, University of Georgia baseball coach,after a game in the Superdome

"I don't want to get into that, but Mike's got a whole new set of bannisters."
--Don King on Mike Tyson's "lawyer" situation

"Tonight, we're honoring one of the all-time greats in baseball, Stan Musial. He's immoral."
--Johnny Logan, ex-major leaguer, introducing Musialat a banquet

"The world will end before there is another .400 hitter . . . I think that was mentioned in the Bible."
--Lenny Dykstra, Philadelphia Phillies outfielder

"It isn't like I came down from Mount Sinai with the tabloids."
--Ron Meyer, Indianapolis Colts coach, downplaying his decision to start rookie quarterback Jeff George

"That picture was taken out of context."
--Jeff Innis, New York Mets pitcher, griping about his bad newspaper photo

"All of his saves have come during relief appearances."
--Ralph Kiner, New York Mets broadcaster, on reliever Steve Bedrosian

"He's a great player. He ceases to amaze me every day."
--Ray Perkins, Tampa Bay Buccaneers coach,on kicker Gary Anderson

"His reputation preceded himbefore he got here."
--Don Mattingly, New York Yankee first baseman, about playing against the Mets' Dwight Gooden in an exhibition contest

"We figured if we shut them out, there's no way we can lose."
--Brett Wallerstedt, Arizona State linebacker, after 19-0 victory over Louisville

"They didn't outplay us."
--Darryl Major, Missouri linebacker,on a 73-0 loss to Texas A&M

"We certainly played with a lot of intensity. The score is certainly no indication of the way Fisher [High] played."
--Girls' hoop coach DoBee Plaisance, St. Martin Episcopalin New Orleans, on squad's 72-0 win

"Our record may lead everyone to think that we are just a ridiculously sorry team, but we're not."
--Vincent Brown, New England Patriots linebacker,downplaying the team's 1-9 mark

"We have lost a couple of games at home which we probably wouldn't have losta couple of years ago, and not because of the talent level, just because ofthe inexperience of the building."
--Jerry Krause, Chicago Bulls general manager,about the team's new United Center

"He [Julio Cesar Chavez] speaks English, Spanish, and he's bilingual, too."
--Don King, boxing promoter

"Before, I couldn't make any important putts. Now I miss more than I did, but I also make more than I did."
--Mike Hulbert on making the switch toputting with just his right hand

"Defensively, I think it's importantfor us to tackle."
--Karl Mecklenburg, Denver Broncos linebacker,assessing team's strategy for trying to beatthe San Francisco 49ers in Super Bowl XXIV

"I didn't think there were too manyproblems other than two interceptions in the red zone and one blocked field goal."
--49ers quarterback Steve Young after a 10-7 loss to Houston

"I don't care what anyone says, Navy will be the surprise team in the country."
--Lou Holtz rating the Midshipmen, coming off a 1-10 record the previous season

"I don't think anywhere is there a symbiotic relationship between caddie and player like there is in golf."
--Johnny Miller, TV analyst and pro golfer

"If we're going to run away from Toronto, first we've got to catch themand go by them."
--Mike Stanley, New York Yankees catcher

"I think we're capable of going exactly as far as we go."
--Chris Ford, Boston Celtics coach, forecasting his team's chances in the playoffs

"I'll be sad to go, and I wouldn't be sad to go. It wouldn't upset me to leave St. Louis, but it would upset me to leave St. Louis. It's hard to explain. You'll find out one of these days, but maybe you never will."
--Brett Hull, St. Louis Blues right wing, on a possible trade

Chapter Three

Geography Lessons

"Hawaii doesn't win many gamesin the United States."
--Lee Corso, football television analyst, trying to explainthe Rainbows' poor mainland record

"All of the Mets' road wins againstLos Angeles this year have been atDodger Stadium."
--Ralph Kiner, New York Mets broadcaster

"The only thing I know about it is thatit's in New Jersey."
--Michael Crouwel, Dutch catching prospect, asked about Philadelphia after being obtained by the Phillies

"Great! That's the Italian city with the guys in the boats, right?"
--Murad Muhammad, boxing promoter,on a possible Venezuela fight

"The sky is so clear today you can seeall the way to Missouri."
--Sportscaster Jerry Coleman,calling a Royals game in Kansas City, Missouri

"This is the first time I've ever played inthe United States. I've played in Montreal, Venezuela, Japan, and Alaska."

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