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Bootleg
     

Bootleg

5.0 1
by Damon Wayans, David Asbery
 

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Nothing is too outrageous for Damon Wayans. Whether he's talking about family, celebrities, racism, relationships, politics, or sex, Damon takes no prisoners. And in Bootleg, he brings it all on, uncut and uncensored:

Marriage...

What are the scariest words known to man? "Till death do us part." Why not until my car breaks down? Or until I run out of money?

Overview

Nothing is too outrageous for Damon Wayans. Whether he's talking about family, celebrities, racism, relationships, politics, or sex, Damon takes no prisoners. And in Bootleg, he brings it all on, uncut and uncensored:

Marriage...

What are the scariest words known to man? "Till death do us part." Why not until my car breaks down? Or until I run out of money?

I hate marriage counselors. This is the biggest scam in the world. Someone figured out a way that women can do the things they love best at the same time: talk and spend money.

Thoughts on celebrities, like Oprah, Mike Tyson, Dr. Kevorkian, Gary Coleman, and...

There's something worse than having HIV, ask 0.J.Imagine being alienated from the world, totally alone with no one wanting to have anything to do with you. I'll take the Ebola virus over what he got.

When I found out that Steven Spielberg has two black kids, I was amazed. Where did he get these kids from? Were they props left over from The Color Purple?

"The Dozens, a Favorite Childhood Game...

"Damon, your mother is so fat she has to take her pants off just to get into her pockets."

"Yeah, well, your mother's so poor she can't even pay attention."

"Oh, yeah, well your sister is so ugly, they have to tie a pork chop around her neck so that the dog will play with her."

"Yeah, well, your mother is so black every time she goes to night school the teachers mark her absent."

Living in LA...

I'm afraid of earthquakes, especially because I have kids to think about. I remember once after a big earthquake I was standing outside my house, butt-naked, thinking, "Man, I hope them kids make it out here. And I hope they're smart enough to wake up their mama, 'cause this place is shaking."

Black Leaders...

I must have been asleep the day they elected Al Sharpton as the black representative. He is the only leader in history to show up to a rally wearing a tight red velour sweat suit with a roller in the front of his hair.

Filled with laughs, craziness, and lots of truth, Bootleg will leave you hurting for more!

Who went and told Magic Johnson that he should do a talk show? Anybody who repeatedly says "bassetball" doesn't have any business doing a talk show. I'm sure that sometimes in his life someone tried to correct him. When he was a little boy his mom must've tried:

Magic's Mother: Hey, Earvin, what are you going to be when you grow up?

Magic: I wanna play BASSETBALL.

Magic's Mother: Now, Earvin, its called BAS-KET-BALL. BASKETBALL.

Magic: That's what I said, BASSETBALL. BASSETBALL, BASSETBALL.

Magic's Mother: Well, baby, I hope you can play it, 'cause you sure can't say it.

Product Details

ISBN-13:
9780060931858
Publisher:
HarperCollins Publishers
Publication date:
03/17/2000
Edition description:
1 ED
Pages:
208
Product dimensions:
5.00(w) x 7.93(h) x 0.45(d)

Read an Excerpt

I was very sad to see my brother's show get canceled because out of the three black talk shows — Keenen's, Sinbad's, and Magic's — I think that Keenen had the best one. At least he was good looking, articulate, and occasionally funny. Sinbad is a good friend of mine, and I love him, but, I just think he's too yellow to be on TV. I never had to use the hue button before on my remote control until he showed up in late night. The first time I watched the show I said to my wife, "Is something wrong with my hue? My tint must be off. Is the brotha supposed to be pink with freckles? And the damn contrast must be broken' 'cause I can't believe that he's wearing a purple, red, and green outfit."

Sinbad should have fired everyone in the wardrobe department. One time he came out with balloon pants, a tuxedo jacket, and sneakers. Even Prince used to laugh at the way Sinbad dressed. And another thing, Sinbad thought "talk show" meant he's supposed to talk during the whole damn show. Have you ever watched Sinbad do an interview? He asks a question and then answers it. All the guest can do is shake his head.

Sinbad goes off like, "Man, I saw you in your last movie. You was good, too, and, man, you had that pretty girl. What's that pretty girl's name? 'Cause I worked with a pretty girl that looked like that pretty girl, she had big breasts — Plow! — and butt all over the room, HA HA HA. She was fine, too, but hey, do you do your own stunts? 'Cause I know somebody that did that, fell down, broke his back, he ain't worked since. They replaced him with two midgets, HA HA HA. Man, I would never do my own stunts, 'cause I ain't gettin' any younger and neither is this interview. Listen, we out of time. Why don't you come back and do the show again?"

"Uh, yeah I . . ." the guest would try to answer.

Sinbad would flap his arms, saying, "I'm sure you can. Everyone give him a hand. Up next a funky fresh fella from Philly that never fakes the funk. He's the original funk master funkateer, Bootsy Collins."

Then, there was Magic. Who the hell told Magic that he should do a talk show? Anybody that says "bassetball," repeated says "bassetball," doesn't have any business doing a talk show. I'm sure that sometime in his life someone tried to correct him. When he was a little boy his mom must've tried.

Magic's Mother: Hey, Earvin, what are you going to be when you grow up?

Magic: I wanna blay BASSETBALL.

Magic's Mother: Now, Earvin, it's called BAS-KET-BALL. BASKETBALL.

Magic: That's what I said, BASSETBALL. BASSETBALL, BASSETBALL.

Magic's Mother: Well, baby, I hope you can play it 'cause you sure can't say it.

Magic went through college. He was in the NBA. Someone had to sit him down and try to make him say it correctly. I'm sure when he was with the LA Lakers Coach Pat Riley must have pulled him aside.

Riley: Magic, if you're gonna represent the game you have to say it the right way. It's called BASKETBALL. BAS-KET-BALL. Now you try.

Magic: BASSETBALL. BAS-SET-BALL. Danks, Toach!

Riley: Ah, yeah, well, I'm glad you can play it 'cause you sure can't say it. That's enough practice for today. Tomorrow we'll work on saying "coach."

I was actually sad to see his show get canceled because it gave me a lot of laughs, most of them for the wrong reasons. But I'll take comedy any way I can get it. I wanted to be on his show so that I could sit down and be the one to figure out what he was saying when he went to commercial. It always sounded like, "Y'all dick around and mill be might back after a bird from our bonsor."

I'd sit there thinking, "Did he just say 'might back' or did Buckwheat just grow up and get a talk show?"

I saw one show where he had Howard Stern on as his only guest. Howard Stern prides himself on being a jerk. Then, he talks about how flat his ass is, how big his nose is, and how tiny his dick is. So, he doesn't leave you room for retaliation. He was very disrespectful to Magic. He asked Magic if he had fun contracting HIV, and Magic just being a nice man sat there and tried to smile it off. If that was me, I would've spit in his mouth right in the middle of that question and I wouldn't have stopped there. I would've leaned over and bit him and drew blood and then asked him, "Now, did you have bun catching HIB? Y'all dick around we'll be might back after a word from our bonsor."

After that show, Magic should have fired everybody that worked with him. He was ill advised. I knew Magic's show was in trouble from the start. His first show Magic picked Arnold Schwarzenegger as the lead guest — another man who can't talk! I didn't understand either one of them during the interview.

Magic: Oh, Arnold, you beally great man. I dor yo lass moobie. It was babulous. The way they blow you up, man, that was fantastic. I fell like I was watching Michael Chordan duckin' fro the free trow line.

Arnold: Oh yeah, Magic. OH AHH EHH OH OOH SEE.

Magic: Juss hole on, Ahnol. We want you to binish your dory. But we wanna pay a bill right naw. Y'all dick around we'll be might back with Daffy Duck, Porky Pig, and Mike Tyson after a bird from our bonsor.

Meet the Author

Damon Wayans starred in the groundbreaking television sketchcomedy program In Living Color. He performed characters like Blaine Edwards, the gay film critic, Handi-Man, the first handicapped hero, the Head Detective, and Homey the Clown. He then went on to make some films, including The Last Boy Scout, Mo' Money, Major Payne, and a movie even his own mother didn't like, Blankman. He's had three HBO specials, One Night Stand, The Last Stand, and Still Standing, and continues to do standup around the country. Born in Manhattan with nine siblings, Damon now lives in LA with his wife, four children, two dogs, and a pet roach named Luther.

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Bootleg 5 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 1 reviews.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Great read couldnt stop laughing