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I don't have to "Rush to keep moving" to avoid the loneliness. I went to check my email and the network wasn't connecting. (God works in funny ways). I shouldn't be in an Internet cafe trying to "connect". I should be in the streets of this magnificent city. I have met great women traveling alone for similar reasons--escape, strength, to find something lost.
Sometimes I feel all of this rushing and swirling spinning in my body and nothing can seep in. It just swirls by my eyes--feel this--being this age feels insane at times. So much "becoming" and vast open changing. I want to stop all of this preparing for, stop and just feel this morning. I feel thick too and I don't like judging my body. I want to use it for exploring and dancing and living. I don't want to stare silently at its issues--but if I do, it's human. Cover--show--cover--show--cover. It is amazing--all that I do to myself to try to bring peace to the body I have.
It is the night of the big art opening. (I am wearing my Italian long skirt to remind me of that strength.) I can get so nervous about the art scene around here--What is it?--The flashy clothes and coolness level? I want to connect to the women at these openings, not get myself all spun out with comparing myself and feeling so retarded and nervous.
But tonight I feel better. I felt all of us making our way in this big and tiny world.
The swirling of compliments felt good--but left me with thoughts of wanting to know more of what the other women I was meeting do. What their stories are.
I tried to just close my eyes and feel this experience. (Dadalways reminds me to do this...) "lose your eyes and listen to the words."
Tonight was completely the epitome of what I feared and craved in the art world. I like the good real folks I met tonight. Sincere. Good women. Kind guys. Lots of talking and real connection. I am reminded of that line--if you don't go you won't see. I feel I faced my intimidation tonight of this scene. just showed up for it--AND MADE IT.
Posted May 17, 2002
I had heard Sabrina's name a few times from the delightful author, Sark. I passed by BRAVE ON THE ROCKS yesterday. Its cover facing the aisles. I gasped as it grabbed me. Spending a few minutes in its covers, at the bookstore, I felt too exposed to remain. At home, I walked into my raw spaces and naked vulnerabilities with Sabrina's. She has pushed wide the boundaries of vision, honesty with art and I thank her and her publishers for their courage. It is a book to have, to visit, to be reminded of the honoring of our deeper selves.
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