Breasts: Our Most Public Private Parts

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Chapter One

CHILDHOOD

You'll need a calculator for this joke: Dolly Parton went to the doctor and he measured her breasts. They were sixty-nine inches around (punch in 69) and he said, "Dolly! That is too, too, too much!" (punch in 222). So he gave her fifty-one pills (punch in 51) to take eight times a day (hit the multiplication sign and 8). And (now press the equal sign and turn the calculator upside down), she woke up "BOOBLESS!"

—Popular elementary school joke, circa 1980

When twenty-five-year-old Dallas was a little girl in Maine, she and her friends used to take her mother's bras and stuff socks in them to do can-can routines. They called themselves "The Boob Shakers." Carol, twenty-one, grew up in a tight-knit extended family in which "someone was always breast feeding." Her fantasy games consisted of breast feeding her dolls and she dreamed of having big breasts. Growing up in Indiana, Jane, forty-four, wanted to look like the photograph of Marilyn Monroe in her father's Playboy. Zoe, twenty-five, remembers watching her mother use her breasts as a sexual tool. "She would flirt with her boyfriends, brushing her breasts against them." And when I was little, I tried on my mother's bras, stuffing them to achieve the desired effect. I couldn't imagine how a woman could reach behind her back and fasten her bra each and every day I'd watch my mother slip on her bra, hooking it in the back. (She didn't fasten it in front, then turn it around, as I did.) Then she'd bend over and scoop her breasts up in the bra. I'd do the same,though I had nothing to scoop. I wanted more than anything to have something to fill my very own bra.

    As children we're like detectives busily learning about our bodies and the world around us, picking up clues from our family, friends, and the media about what breasts mean. We discover right away that breasts are powerful—whether they're associated with sex or mothering—and we learn that all breasts are not created equal. Even as very small children, our attitudes about breasts fit neatly into the classic mother versus whore paradigm: breasts are either comforting or sexual. Even if we don't remember these early influences, what we learn about breasts during this period affects our whole lives.

    Childhood games and toys help shape our attitudes. In her book Forever Barbie, M.G. Lord explores the history of Barbie and the impact she has had on millions of little girls since her appearance in 1959. "Barbie was a revelation.... She was all that we could be and—if you calculate what at human scale would translate to a thirty-nine-inch bust—more than we could be," writes Lord. Carol, who was born in Puerto Rico and grew up in the Bronx, was surrounded by blonde Barbies as a little girl. "Every Christmas, birthday, or Easter, I could count on getting a Barbie. It was the staple gift for the girls in my family. The runner-up was a Cabbage Patch Kid. We had Barbie to see what we should look like, and a Cabbage Patch Kid to practice what we should be: a mother. Growing up with Barbie negatively influenced my body-image, yet where else could I see a woman who could be anything she wanted (Doctor Barbie, Pilot Barbie, Businesswoman Barbie)?"

    I was one of the few girls to grow up Barbie-free. I did have a doll, but she was just a baby doll, entirely unlike womanly Barbie—tall, slim, blonde, with long legs and high, hard, nippleless breasts. And then there was Skipper—Barbie's far less glamorous, brunette, and flat-chested sidekick. In 1975 Mattel introduced "Growing Up Skipper," a doll that grew breasts when you pushed back her arms. For once, little girls got a chance to control the uncontrollable. This Skipper came with two changes of clothes—a little girl outfit for the prepubescent look, and sophisticated eveningwear for the busty little doll.

    We know that Barbie is just a doll—her proportions don't match those of real women. But little girls love her. (Mattel estimates that somewhere in the world every second they sell two Barbies.) "I had that Barbie doll image tattooed on my brain," recalled thirty-three-year-old Cassie, now a writing professor. "I wasn't allowed to play with Barbie, at home since Mom was a nurse and thought that Barbie was a gross misrepresentation of female anatomy. I was given Midge, a flat-chested, freckled, girl-next-door kind of doll. I disliked Midge intensely because she wasn't at all curvy and sexy like Barbie."

    Some girls modify their Barbies as they become aware of female anatomy. A friend of mine gave her Barbie pink nail polish nipples. And Carla, forty, stuck straight pins in her Barbie's chest and painted them red for a more realistic look. Cassie remembers asking her mother why her breasts weren't smooth like Barbie's. She was lectured about human anatomy and what breasts are for: feeding children. "After that I felt a bit squeamish about breasts. Still, I thought Barbie was beautiful in all of her smoothness. To this day she affects me."

    Often our first encounter with real non-Barbie breasts is seeing our mother or another woman breast feed. My first breast experience (after weaning) was watching my little brother get his turn at my mother's breast. I don't remember the specifics of it, although there's a photo of my mother breast feeding my brother while I'm standing to the side, looking on. "When I see a mommy breast feeding, I get very curious and I try to get a little peek," said six-year-old Ghyslaine who is fascinated by breasts, which she calls "baby bottles." Think about it. The idea of a woman putting her breast in a baby's mouth to feed that baby is amazing. There's no other body part that can work such magic.

    As children we tend to assume that our mother's breasts are the norm. "Mommy has the biggest boobies!" says two-year-old Julia, who likes to "give boobie" to her stuffed animals. In fact, Julia's mother has small breasts, but these are the only breasts that Julia knows. Dylan, twenty-two, recalled: "When I saw a family friend in jeans and a bra, I suddenly realized how huge my mom's breasts were compared to her friend's, which were about a 34C, like mine now." Dallas saw the everyday breasts of the women around her as being much less desirable than her fantasy "Boob Shaker" breasts. "I felt a little sorry for these women with giant balloons strapped to their bodies."

    Other women shared memories of breasts symbolizing comfort, love, and warmth. "My grandmother was telling me a story and I put my head on her shoulder and fell asleep cupping her breasts," remembered thirty-year-old Nia. "It just felt so comfortable and natural to do that. That's the closest I've ever been to her."

    Learning that breasts are private is an important lesson. Andrea, thirty-three, discovered this when she was six and her twelve-year-old sister was starting to develop breasts. "I went into the bathroom while she was in the tub and I gave her boobs a poke because they fascinated me—they were so round and buoyant in the water. She said, `Don't do that! They're private property.' I always remembered that." Thirty-two-year-old Sandra, who is Korean American, was raised by her parents to be very modest. "My little sister and I were both Campfire Girls. We were hiking once, and the two group leaders took off their tops. My sister and I were stunned. I just stared at these two women, thinking `They are naked.' Not only that, but they each had very different breasts. The brunette had big breasts and dark nipples. And the other one, a redhead, had very fair skin and even whiter boobs, with very pink nipples."

    As soon as we learn that breasts are private, we set out to explore this new territory Growing up in Idaho, Carla carefully studied her parents' National Geographic magazines to get a glimpse of naked breasts, which she then sketched in hiding. She made hundreds of drawings, which she later burned to destroy the evidence. Scarlett, forty, remembered a slightly older girl from her Long Island neighborhood: "She asked me if I wanted to know what it was like being with a man. We both got undressed, and I lay on top and she had me touch her breasts. She had tiny breasts, but her nipples were erect and her skin was covered with goose bumps. We got dressed quickly when my mother came home, and this girl warned me not to tell anyone ever."

    And we learn that breasts can be sexually attractive—even to us. Beth, twenty-five, remembered the first time she saw a woman's breasts: "I was ten and I was sleeping over at my friend's house. Her mom came in to kiss us good night, and as she leaned over I remember seeing her breasts and being aroused and fascinated by them, and then being really aware of what I was thinking. I'm sure I blushed."

    As little girls, we may fantasize about growing breasts, but the reality may be complicated. Margie, thirty-six, dreamed of growing a huge pair of breasts like her grandmother's. "My cousin convinced me that the secret to Grandma's bosom was cold cream, and if I applied this miracle cream, I too would blossom." It didn't work—Margie now has small A-cup breasts. Leigh, twenty-three, associated having breasts with being grown-up: "Whenever I threw a penny into a fountain, looked up at the stars, or had a birthday, I wished for breasts, and braces." Before puberty, Marie, now twenty-nine, used to pester her mom: "When am I gonna get breasts?" She thought it would be fun to pretend she was a stripper, to dance and undress herself in front of a mirror. "Then, around ten, when my breasts started growing, I didn't want them anymore."

    Nine-and-a-half-year-old Ali started developing at age seven, and has worn a bra ever since then. Now a 34B, she has slightly larger breasts than her mother, Judith, who has "spent a lot of energy making her feel good about her breasts and helping her cope with the other girls making fun of her." Ali's favorite comeback for classmates' teasing is: "The women on TV paid a lot of money for what God gave me for free!" Ali's breasts unceremoniously shoved her out of the world of childhood and into puberty. "She's a beautiful girl who has the body of a fourteen or fifteen year old," says her mother.

    Ali knows that she stands out among the other girls in her third grade class. "I hope more girls start developing next year, not just the chubby girls." She also complains about the pain of growing breasts: "Sometimes they get on my nerves. Whenever I bend down at school and hit the desk they really hurt. When I first started showing, I was happy until they started hurting. Like when I run. I would get mad and yell at myself, `I wish they were never here!'" Ali tells a funny story that reminds me of my own childhood superstitions: "My best friend would rather have boobs first than last. I told her that I heard that lima beans would make your boobs grow, so she went home and ate two cans of lima beans after school. She said she was about ready to puke afterwards."

    While Judith teaches her daughter that she's "more than a cup size," Ali gets many messages to the contrary. Ali reasons that, "Just because girls have boobies on their chest, they don't have to show them to the world." And she's concerned that women use their breasts to get attention. Among her peers, she notes that girls seem more interested in breasts than boys do. "I guess girls want to have big boobs so they can look like TV stars." But despite all the difficulties of her early development, when asked if she'd rather have breasts or not, Ali ponders this and decides that she'll keep her breasts after all.

    These stories aren't just child's play—they set the stage for our individual breast stories. These early experiences have important ramifications that surface again and again in each new phase of our lives: during puberty, motherhood, and our later years; in shaping our sexuality and our identity; and in our attitudes about health issues. This book continues and expands the dialogue that began in Breasts, the documentary. Whether you're a grown woman who wishes that breasts had been more openly discussed during childhood, a mother who can begin a new dialogue with her daughter, or a girl who is approaching these issues for the first time, I encourage you to start your own conversation about breasts. It's a simple yet radical idea—women talking honestly with other women about their breasts—and it can begin in the earliest years.