Breathe: A Guy's Guide to Pregnancy

Read an Excerpt

Introduction

The world is filled with books that help women deal with the changes they undergo during pregnancy. Often these books deign to include a sidebar or two about the man, but for the most part he is immediately relegated to the status of his wife's personal assistant. To be sure, any man in a relationship should be used to "drone" status, but somehow pregnancy makes it seem more definitive.

Worse than that, the father-to-be has no guidebook that tells him what to expect. His wife's books tell her she should be eating folic acid, but what should he be eating? She knows that she should take a light walk every day, but should he walk, too? Or is walking a pansy-ass exercise no matter how you slice it? A young father may feel helpless, or even guilty (especially if he still finds himself looking at pictures of lovely, young Swedish au pairs).

This book is designed with you, the father, specifically in mind. It follows the course of the pregnancy and gives you step-by-step advice about what will be happening to you before, during, and after your wife's pregnancy. And stop looking at that au pair! What's wrong with you! You're going to be a father, for crying out loud!

You make me sick.

Text copyright © 2002 by Mason Brown

Chapter One: On Deciding to Become a Father

Unlike marriage, fatherhood is not something to be entered into lightly or unadvisedly. You must understand the full range of responsibilities and duties it entails. Having a baby is a full-time job. You've got to feed it, clothe it, shelter it. I mean, man, that's a lot of hassle.

So before you embark on fatherhood, make a list of reasons why you want to have a child. Compare your reasons with the following list:

GOOD REASONS TO BECOME A DAD

• You and your wife have discussed having a family, and the time just seems "right."
• You love the idea of fatherhood, with all the joys and responsibilities it entails.
• You want to teach, love, and nurture a precious, tiny human.

BAD REASONS TO BECOME A DAD

• You hated your dad, and you want to take it out on someone.
• Just to see if your boys can swim.
• To win a bet.
• You think it will make you look more mature.
• Everybody else is doing it.

Still think you're ready? Many high schools require their sex-ed students to care for a plastic doll for two weeks in order to help illustrate the full-time nature of parenting. Why don't you try it? If your "test" baby looks like this, then maybe you should hold off on having children — at least for a little while.

If, however, you passed the baby doll test (or, more likely, figured, "Who the hell has time to drag around a stupid plastic doll?" and decided not to bother), you might still want to test your "Fatherhood Aptitude" by taking the following test.

Use a number 2 pencil. 30 minutes

The Fatherhood Aptitude Test

Multiple Choice

1. The best way to calm a crying baby is to:

a. hand him off to mommy.

b. gently rock him up and down.

c. slap him silly.

2. An appropriate baby-sitter is:

a. one of our relatives.

b. a trusted teenage daughter of a friendly neighbor.

c. an English au pair.

3. Which of the following is an acceptable toy for a baby?

a. A large doll with plastic crinkle-paper stuffing.

b. A large, hard, plastic teething ring.

c. A large, plastic dry-cleaning bag.

4. Which of the following best describes your reasons for wanting to become a father?

a. I love kids.

b. I feel the time is right to have a family.

c. I enjoy playing with my Tamogotchi hatch-an-egg video game.

5. Why do you think you'd make a good father?

a. I'm so hopelessly, deliriously in love with my wife, that my happiness can't help but rub off on our child.

b. I look forward to imparting all of my skills to a future generation.

c. I just finished reading Earl Woods' book Training a Tiger. I'm ready to get started immediately.

6. Your wife wants to start trying to have a baby. She's charted her temperature, and knows that she's been ovulating on a twenty-nine-day cycle. If today is March 10, and her temperature last peaked five days ago, when is the best time to try to conceive?

a. April 4.

b. April 5.

c. Right now. Continue trying until my Viagra runs out.

7. Baby : Beer ::

a. Square Pegs : Round Holes

b. Checks : Stripes

c. Who the hell let the baby near my beer? That's my beer, dammit!

8. You hope that your first child is:

a. a Girl.

b. a Boy.

c. other.

9. The young father picked up his newborn baby with ______ in his eyes and gently _______.

a. love...sang a lullaby.

b. joy...Cooed nonsense syllables.

c. horror...dropped it.

10. By the end of its second month, a baby should be able to:

a. smile.

b. respond to a bell in some way, such as startling, crying, or quieting.

c. read.

11. goo goo : ga ga ::

a. boo boo : ba ba

b. Milli : Vanilli

c. Shut : Up

12. Four babies are getting weighed in the maternity ward. Your baby, R, weighs more than V. T weighs less than R. S weighs more than V but less than T. Which of the following is the correct lineup of babies from smallest to biggest?

a. V, S, T, R.

b. Cannot be determined from the information given.

c. Which one is mine, again?

True or False?

1. Babies can eat Doritos.

T F

2. Babies can be left unattended if you are pretty darn sure you will return by the end of the hour.

T F

3. Babies can't scream very loudly since they just have tiny, little baby lungs.

T F

4. Once you have a baby, you will have more free time since there will be extra hands around the house.

T F

5. Baby fat insulates babies from all but the coldest arctic conditions.

T F

6. You will still be able to golf on weekends after the baby is born.

T F

7. Most pregnant women look like Hunter Tylo.

T F

8. I plan on videotaping the birth and then showing it to friends.

T F

9. I was born a rambling man.

T F

10. Someday, I would like to appear on the Jerry Springer Show.

T F

11. Lamaze breathing techniques could also be useful when I'm on the can.

T F

12. Whenever you mention that you'd like to have a large family of, say, five kids, your wife anxiously eyes the bathtub.

T F

Short Essay:

What does commitment mean to you?

Stop!!

If you have finished before the time allotted, you may go over any questions in this section. Then place your answer sheet facedown in front of you with your pencil on top. Do not go on to any additional sections. Do not run screaming out the door to a seedy singles bar for casual, anonymous sexual encounters.

Scoring

If you answered any of the questions, you pass. And if by some miracle of nature you actually tried to write an essay, then you've got definite fatherhood potential (unless you wrote "all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy" over and over again, in which case don't go on any vacations in the north woods with your family).

Note: If you answered "c" to any of the multiple choice questions, or "True" to any of the True/False questions, then beware! You are a moron. Of course, that alone does not disqualify you from fatherhood in any way.

Text copyright © 2002 by Mason Brown

Chapter Two: Trying to Get Pregnant

Getting pregnant doesn't just happen. You have to work at it (unless you're dating an unwed teen, in which case pregnancy can occur via contact with a doorknob).

Amazingly enough, science has proved beyond doubt that the odds of conception are inversely proportional to the desirability of conception. A simple graph renders this concept easy to grasp.

This immutable law of nature results in a curious corollary — the more financially successful a couple is, the more likely they are "trying" to have a baby. "Trying to have a baby" is a euphemism for "rogering like feral weasels," which is in turn a euphemism for "having sex often."

Some couples proudly announce that they are trying to have a baby without realizing that they are presenting an unsavory visual picture to their audience, who immediately conjure up the image of the naked wife doing a headstand while her husband cheers his mighty swimmers onward. More often than not, this visual image is uncannily accurate.

Still others try to conceal their efforts, feeling that failure to conceive reflects badly on themselves. Unfortunately for these shy souls, it is all too easy to tell when a couple is really making an effort. In such cases, one or more of the following symptoms will appear:

FOR THE MAN

• Drowsiness
• Irritability
• Heightened desire to watch SportsCenter

FOR THE WOMAN

• Normal post-coital glow replaced by grim attitude of soldier in the trenches
• Constant concern over husband's choice of briefs rather than boxers
• Neck strain from standing on her head after sex

Obviously, if a couple would really, truly make good parents, then all efforts to conceive are rendered futile. Nature abhors functional families. So, if you really want your wife to get pregnant, forget fertility clinics — institute divorce proceedings. Just remember to have one last drunken, abusive fling before separating. You'll be a daddy in no time.

Improving Your Chances of Conception

Of course, you may wish to have kids and yet not want to turn into an abusive drunk. That's okay. Just remember, it may take a little more effort to succeed. But don't give up hope. There are a variety of methods guaranteed to improve your chances of becoming a father.

Lowering Testicular Temperature

A high testicular temperature lowers a man's sperm count. Women who wish to get pregnant often become obsessed with this peculiar fact. It is the one pregnancy variable that they can control, so they'll be damned if your testicles aren't frosty cold. While amusing at first, their concern soon becomes annoying at best and downright unpleasant at worst. More than one prospective father has woken up on a hot summer evening only to find his wife trying to surreptitiously slip his testicles into a jug of ice water.

Many couples go through a boxers vs. briefs argument, eventually surmising that boxers let more air circulate about the testes. Some women go so far as to insist on mesh boxers, available only in gay specialty stores. The ideal male undergarment, from the prospective mother's point of view, would be a finely calibrated thermo-regulatory device fashioned out of readily available household items.

The best response is to make your wife's obsession work for you. Properly handled, your testicles can provide you with a variety of pleasing benefits:

• You no longer have to do yard work. It's hot out there. Imagine the furnace that would be your nutsack if you should have to mow the lawn.
• What better way to keep cool than with a constant supply of frosty beverages? But God forbid your testicles get overheated while running for refreshment. Let the wife do it.
• Exercise??? Are you mad??? Why not just shoot my unborn child right now???

In Vitro Fertilization

Not all sperm are strong swimmers. But just because you're shooting little minnows instead of mighty salmon, don't think that your boys can't make it upstream. Heck no! Doctors can take a sample of your sperm, extract an egg from your wife, and ensure that they get together by swishing them around in a test tube. Then, they can implant the fertilized egg in the womb.

The extraction and implantation of the egg is a painful and complicated procedure. But guess what? It doesn't concern you. That's her problem. What you do have to worry about is the collection of your sperm sample.

The typical collection process consists of a nurse leading you to a room (the "masturbatorium") and handing you a cup. You are meant to emerge several minutes later and depart unobtrusively. But it doesn't have to be so clinical. I mean, when else are you going to be encouraged to masturbate in a doctor's office in the middle of the day. Take your time. Enjoy yourself.

In fact, most fertility doctors keep a small stock of adult magazines and videos for men who are having trouble. Make sure you are one of these men. Insist that you see their entire library. Ask for deviant marital aids (leather chaps, vacuum pumps, vibrating nipple clamps, etc. — heck, make them work). Milk it for all it's worth. Who knows, if you're really struggling, they might even send in the head nurse. The most amazing part? Your wife will congratulate you when you're done!

Wonder Drugs

Fertility "wonder" drugs stimulate the release of extra eggs during a woman's cycle, thereby increasing the chances that sperm will reach at least one of the eggs. If multiple eggs are fertilized, this in turn increases the odds of successful implantation onto the uterine wall. Of course, if everything works out perfectly, multiple fertilized eggs may successfully implant themselves.

Indeed, thanks to the miracle of modern medicine, septup-lets are now a reality. Why not go for the record? Administer as many fertility pills as possible. If you hit octuplets, diaper companies will probably throw in free Huggies for the first year. Of course, if you only have quadruplets, then you are on the hook for a fortune.

Surrogate Mothers

Surrogate mothers are an option if (a) your wife has medical reasons preventing her from giving birth, or (b) your wife decides to simply rent a womb instead of going through the painful process herself.

Even in our current free market economy, however, option (a) is usually the only one permitted by law. Also, women who want a surrogate mother just for the sake of convenience also tend to want nannies to rear their child for them, because looking after a kid is hard work. In other words, these women are thinking just like men. Pretty much would make you a gay fellow if you were married to an option (b) woman, wouldn't it?

But assuming your wife needs a surrogate mother for reasons unrelated to her career goals, then by all means think about it. Just don't get too excited. You don't get to have sex with the surrogate mother. It's the same old "go into a cup" routine as in vitro fertilization.

Let's dispel a few common myths about surrogacy:

• It's not cheap. Typically a surrogate mother costs at least twenty thousand dollars or more.
• Surrogate mothers do not invariably end up suing for custody of the children. (Key word: "invariably.")
• Surrogate mothers are not all kinky Swedish babes who want to insinuate themselves into your marriage.
• The woman you are having an affair with is not a surrogate mother.
• Crack whores do NOT make good surrogate mothers.
• If a strange man offers to fellate you at the Walt Whitman rest stop off the New Jersey Turnpike and you accept, that's not surrogacy. It's anonymous gay sex.
• Despite the scientific-sounding name, if your wife hires a "surrogate father," that still makes you a cuckold.

Breeding an Army of Clones

Combine wonder drugs, in vitro fertilization, and surrogate mothers and what do you get? Well, if the idea of breeding an army of clones doesn't leap out at you, then you'll never rule the world thanks to twisted genetic experiments gone horribly awry. The math is really very simple. Figure twenty thousand dollars per surrogate mother, each of whom bears seven bio-engineered clones. For a mere 1 million dollars, you are well on your way to a full battalion of 350 identical super soldiers! The old saying certainly is true: "There has never been a better time in the world to be a demented scientist filled with insane hubris."

Adoption

The only surefire way to have a kid is to adopt. But even that can take too long. If you want a kid right away, then you'll need to go through the black market. While you might be appalled at the idea of buying a child at first, you'll soon find that so-called white slaver's prices can be quite reasonable.

If you can't afford the money but still want to get a top quality baby, don't despair. With the proper planning and a little bit of luck, there are still plenty of ways to become an adoptive parent. Just keep your eyes open. Good sources of babies include:

• Ladies' rooms at high school proms
• Cars getting rolled into lakes
• Internet chat rooms
• Milk cartons (finders, keepers!)
• The reeds along the banks of the River Nile

Text copyright © 2002 by Mason Brown

Chapter Three: Are You Pregnant?

No.

You're a man. Men can't get pregnant, you moron!

Some men, however, experience what is known as "empathic pregnancy." They feel symptoms that mimic actual pregnancy signals. Other men get bad gas. The point is, even if you feel like you are pregnant, don't worry about it. You're not.

Is She Pregnant?

Well, usually she'll tell you. Then she'll get fat. Then she'll give birth. If these three things occur, you will know with certainty that she was pregnant.

Sometimes, however, women show signs of pregnancy that are actually symptoms of something else.

Pregnancy Tests

Of course, if you want to be sure that your wife is pregnant before she gives birth, the two of you can buy a pregnancy test kit. There are a variety of over-the-counter pregnancy test kits, and each one of them is remarkably accurate. They are also extremely easy to read. Just use this easy chart:

Sometimes, however, you may suspect that a woman is pregnant and doesn't want to tell you. If this woman is your wife, then you are in serious relationship trouble and you should seek counseling immediately. But you might suspect that a friend is pregnant. Or your sister. Whatever. The important thing is that there are still a few simple tests you can use to determine whether a woman knows she's pregnant. These time-honored techniques are many a man's first source of information:

• Offer to take her to Magic Mountain to ride "The Viper" — a thrilling, steel rollercoaster complete with a 188-foot vertical drop, a top speed approaching 70 mph, and an unprecedented 7 vertical inversions.
• Buy her a round of drinks.
• Ask if she'd like to go off-roading in your sport-utility vehicle.

If a woman won't take you up on any of these offers, then she may be pregnant. Of course, she just may not like really cool, fun things. You'd be surprised how many women don't.

Text copyright © 2002 by Mason Brown