Breathe: A Guy's Guide to Pregnancy

Breathe: A Guy's Guide to Pregnancy

Breathe: A Guy's Guide to Pregnancy

Breathe: A Guy's Guide to Pregnancy

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Overview

Finally, a book for guys that solves the riddles of pregnancy.
Do you think that newborn babies can eat Doritos? That they can't scream very loudly since they just have tiny little baby lungs? That you will still be able to golf on weekends after your baby is born?
If so, you need this book!
Breathe takes guys misstep-by-misstep through the stages of pregnancy and the early days of childhood. Considered by many to be the unofficial pregnancy handbook of the NBA, Breathe is filled with useful tips such as these:
Brown's First Law of Conception: The odds of conception are inversely proportional to its desirability. High school virgins experimenting behind bleachers are guaranteed to get pregnant; financially secure married men hoping for children are doomed to spend their weekends in fertility clinics masturbating into cups.
Picking a doctor: Never use a gynecologist whose Medical School Diploma has palm trees on the side.
Pre-Natal Music: Mozart, yes. Wagner, No!
Common Concerns: If your baby is born with dark hair that covers its head, back, neck, temples and forehead, don't panic. This is perfectly normal. It just means your baby was born Italian.
Child experts from all over the world agree — if you're a first time father, drop your baby and pick up this book!

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9780743219709
Publisher: Simon & Schuster
Publication date: 02/11/2002
Edition description: Original
Pages: 192
Product dimensions: 5.50(w) x 7.50(h) x 0.50(d)

About the Author

Mason Brown is a managing editor at NationalLampoon.com. He is also the author of the bestselling business humor book Who Cut the Cheese? He lives in Los Angeles with his wife, his three-year-old son, "the boy,"and a one-year-old daughter, "the girl."

Read an Excerpt

Chapter One: On Deciding to Become a Father

Unlike marriage, fatherhood is not something to be entered into lightly or unadvisedly. You must understand the full range of responsibilities and duties it entails. Having a baby is a full-time job. You've got to feed it, clothe it, shelter it. I mean, man, that's a lot of hassle.

So before you embark on fatherhood, make a list of reasons why you want to have a child. Compare your reasons with the following list:

GOOD REASONS TO BECOME A DAD

  • You and your wife have discussed having a family, and the time just seems "right."
  • You love the idea of fatherhood, with all the joys and responsibilities it entails.
  • You want to teach, love, and nurture a precious, tiny human.


BAD REASONS TO BECOME A DAD
  • You hated your dad, and you want to take it out on someone.
  • Just to see if your boys can swim.
  • To win a bet.
  • You think it will make you look more mature.
  • Everybody else is doing it.


Still think you're ready? Many high schools require their sex-ed students to care for a plastic doll for two weeks in order to help illustrate the full-time nature of parenting. Why don't you try it? If your "test" baby looks like this, then maybe you should hold off on having children — at least for a little while.

If, however, you passed the baby doll test (or, more likely, figured, "Who the hell has time to drag around a stupid plastic doll?" and decided not to bother), you might still want to test your "Fatherhood Aptitude" by taking the following test.

Use a number 2 pencil. 30 minutes

The Fatherhood Aptitude Test

Multiple Choice

1. The best way to calm a crying baby is to:
a. hand him off to mommy.

b. gently rock him up and down.

c. slap him silly.

2. An appropriate baby-sitter is:
a. one of our relatives.

b. a trusted teenage daughter of a friendly neighbor.

c. an English au pair.

3. Which of the following is an acceptable toy for a baby?
a. A large doll with plastic crinkle-paper stuffing.

b. A large, hard, plastic teething ring.

c. A large, plastic dry-cleaning bag.

4. Which of the following best describes your reasons for wanting to become a father?
a. I love kids.

b. I feel the time is right to have a family.

c. I enjoy playing with my Tamogotchi hatch-an-egg video game.

5. Why do you think you'd make a good father?
a. I'm so hopelessly, deliriously in love with my wife, that my happiness can't help but rub off on our child.

b. I look forward to imparting all of my skills to a future generation.

c. I just finished reading Earl Woods' book Training a Tiger. I'm ready to get started immediately.

6. Your wife wants to start trying to have a baby. She's charted her temperature, and knows that she's been ovulating on a twenty-nine-day cycle. If today is March 10, and her temperature last peaked five days ago, when is the best time to try to conceive?
a. April 4.

b. April 5.

c. Right now. Continue trying until my Viagra runs out.

7. Baby : Beer ::
a. Square Pegs : Round Holes

b. Checks : Stripes

c. Who the hell let the baby near my beer? That's my beer, dammit!

8. You hope that your first child is:
a. a Girl.

b. a Boy.

c. other.

9. The young father picked up his newborn baby with ______ in his eyes and gently _______.
a. love...sang a lullaby.

b. joy...Cooed nonsense syllables.

c. horror...dropped it.

10. By the end of its second month, a baby should be able to:
a. smile.

b. respond to a bell in some way, such as startling, crying, or quieting.

c. read.

11. goo goo : ga ga ::
a. boo boo : ba ba

b. Milli : Vanilli

c. Shut : Up

12. Four babies are getting weighed in the maternity ward. Your baby, R, weighs more than V. T weighs less than R. S weighs more than V but less than T. Which of the following is the correct lineup of babies from smallest to biggest?
a. V, S, T, R.

b. Cannot be determined from the information given.

c. Which one is mine, again?

True or False?

1. Babies can eat Doritos.
T F

2. Babies can be left unattended if you are pretty darn sure you will return by the end of the hour.
T F

3. Babies can't scream very loudly since they just have tiny, little baby lungs.
T F

4. Once you have a baby, you will have more free time since there will be extra hands around the house.
T F

5. Baby fat insulates babies from all but the coldest arctic conditions.
T F

6. You will still be able to golf on weekends after the baby is born.
T F

7. Most pregnant women look like Hunter Tylo.
T F

8. I plan on videotaping the birth and then showing it to friends.
T F

9. I was born a rambling man.
T F

10. Someday, I would like to appear on the Jerry Springer Show.
T F

11. Lamaze breathing techniques could also be useful when I'm on the can.
T F

12. Whenever you mention that you'd like to have a large family of, say, five kids, your wife anxiously eyes the bathtub.
T F

Short Essay:

What does commitment mean to you?

Stop!!

If you have finished before the time allotted, you may go over any questions in this section. Then place your answer sheet facedown in front of you with your pencil on top. Do not go on to any additional sections. Do not run screaming out the door to a seedy singles bar for casual, anonymous sexual encounters.

Scoring

If you answered any of the questions, you pass. And if by some miracle of nature you actually tried to write an essay, then you've got definite fatherhood potential (unless you wrote "all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy" over and over again, in which case don't go on any vacations in the north woods with your family).

Note: If you answered "c" to any of the multiple choice questions, or "True" to any of the True/False questions, then beware! You are a moron. Of course, that alone does not disqualify you from fatherhood in any way.

Text copyright © 2002 by Mason Brown

Table of Contents

Contents

Foreword: A Word from the Doctor

Preface: A Word from the Author

Introduction

PART I — GETTING STARTED

  1. On Deciding to Become a Father
  2. Trying to Get Pregnant
  3. Are You Pregnant?


PART II — NINE MONTHS AND COUNTING

  1. Establishing Paternity
  2. Finances
  3. Choosing (and Working with) Your Practitioner
  4. The Best Odds Diet for Men
  5. Prenatal Care
  6. Sex During Pregnancy
  7. What's Going On in There? Understanding the Trimester System
  8. Your Wife's Mental Changes Throughout Pregnancy
  9. The Working Mother
  10. The Gender Dilemma: Should You Find Out the Sex of Your Unborn Child?
  11. Naming Your Baby
  12. The Baby Shower
  13. Preparing the Baby's Room
  14. Birthing Classes
  15. What to Bring to the Hospital


PART III — D-DAY!! LABOR AND DELIVERY

  1. Making the Decision to Go to the Hospital
  2. Driving to the Hospital
  3. You Made It to the Hospital. Now What?
  4. The Final Push
  5. C-Sections
  6. It's A...live
  7. Picking a Room


PART IV — AFTERBIRTH

  1. Keep Baby Off the Grid!!
  2. The Great Circumcision Debate
  3. Other Body Modification Rituals
  4. The First Days Home
  5. Postpartum Depression: Hers and Yours
  6. Birth Announcements
  7. Day Care Providers
  8. Television and the Younger Child
  9. Out with the Old, In with the New: The Second Baby
  10. Developmental Milestones


Appendix: A List of Recommended Baby Books

Introduction

Introduction

The world is filled with books that help women deal with the changes they undergo during pregnancy. Often these books deign to include a sidebar or two about the man, but for the most part he is immediately relegated to the status of his wife's personal assistant. To be sure, any man in a relationship should be used to "drone" status, but somehow pregnancy makes it seem more definitive.

Worse than that, the father-to-be has no guidebook that tells him what to expect. His wife's books tell her she should be eating folic acid, but what should he be eating? She knows that she should take a light walk every day, but should he walk, too? Or is walking a pansy-ass exercise no matter how you slice it? A young father may feel helpless, or even guilty (especially if he still finds himself looking at pictures of lovely, young Swedish au pairs).

This book is designed with you, the father, specifically in mind. It follows the course of the pregnancy and gives you step-by-step advice about what will be happening to you before, during, and after your wife's pregnancy. And stop looking at that au pair! What's wrong with you! You're going to be a father, for crying out loud!

You make me sick.

Text copyright © 2002 by Mason Brown

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