Bright Lights, Big Ass: A Self-Indulgent, Surly, Ex-Sorority Girl's Guide to Why It Often Sucks in the City, or Who Are These Idiots and Why Do They All Live Next Door to Me?

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More About This Book

Overview

Jen Lancaster hates to burst your happy little bubble, but life in the big city isn't all it's cracked up to be. Contrary to what you see on TV and in the movies, most urbanites aren't party-hopping in slinky dresses and strappy stilettos. But lucky for us, Lancaster knows how to make the life of the lower crust mercilessly funny and infinitely entertaining.

Whether she's reporting rude neighbors to Homeland Security, harboring a crush on her grocery store clerk, or fighting-and losing-the Battle of the Stairmaster- Lancaster explores how silly, strange, and not-so-fabulous real city living can be. And if anyone doesn't like it, they can kiss her big, fat, pink, puffy down parka.

Editorial Reviews

From Barnes & Noble
In Bitter Is the New Black, politically incorrect Jen Lancaster charted her involuntary descent down the corporate ladder and explained why one should never carry a Prada bag to the unemployment office. The tone of this sequel is perhaps best typified in its subtitle: "Self-indulgent, Surly, Ex-Sorority Girl's Guide to Why It Often Sucks in the City, or Who are These Idiots and Why Do They All Live Next Door to Me?" Needless to say, Lancaster's outrageous rants won't edify advocates of positive thinking, but they will keep the rest of us chuckling.
Publishers Weekly

Lancaster (Bitter Is the New Black) is a plus-sized, downwardly mobile Republican. She makes fun of disabled people. She cracks nasty about Anna Nicole Smith (granted, she was still alive at the time). She annotates her text with footnotes cheering herself on. When she's feeling particularly mean, she writes in her own "pidgin Spanish." But in spite of all her politically incorrect rantings, there are times when Lancaster is just too on-target to ignore. People who worry about Bush imposing the Christian lifestyle on everyone, for instance, should take heart from how he's raised his daughters—those "twins are but a Jell-O shot away from starring in the presidential edition of Girls Gone Wild." Even if readers can't altogether sympathize when Lancaster has to downscale her shopping "Holy Trinity" from Bloomingdale's, Nordstrom and Neiman Marcus to IKEA, Target and Trader Joe's—they know what she means when she talks about the relentlessly cheerful sales staff at Trader Joe's, the tough-love staff at Target or how IKEA's going to take over America by keeping us all busy with Allen wrenches. Her humor is a bit like junk food—something you can enjoy when no one is looking. (May)

Copyright 2007 Reed Business Information

Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780451221254
  • Publisher: Penguin Group (USA) Incorporated
  • Publication date: 5/1/2007
  • Pages: 400
  • Sales rank: 116,194
  • Product dimensions: 7.94 (w) x 10.90 (h) x 0.84 (d)

Read an Excerpt

A few years ago I used to take shopping so seriously it was less of a habit and more of a religion. Every chance I got, I'd steal away between appointments or at lunch in order to maintain my daily communicate status, worshipping at the Church of the Magnificent Mile. I'd make my way down Michigan Ave, stopping to pay my respects at the lesser deities: Sephora for their Fresh soy skincare line and giant perfume selection1, The Body Shop for products with a conscience, Lord & Taylor for Jockey for Her underwear2, Marshall Field for scarves and hair accessories, Pottery Barn for casual home dŽcor except for glassware which was Crate & Barrel's domain, Burberry if I felt like a little something plaid and pretty, and Les Vosges because carrying heavy shopping bags made me hungry for thirty-dollar-a-pound chocolate-coated toffee. I'd tithe portions of my salary at each of these stores until I got to any one of the members of the Holy Trinity - Bloomingdales, Nordstrom, Neiman Marcus - and the real purchasing commenced.

Bloomingdales was my preferred spot for staples such as fur-trimmed coats, bathing suits, and cashmere sweaters, while Nordstrom was the best place for multiple shoe purchases. (Really, those poor salespeople worked on commission - it would have been a sin to make them run into the back for only one pair!) Neiman Marcus was my absolute favorite place for ridiculous designer splurge items - jewelry, purses, and sunglasses. Plus Neiman's made it so damn difficult to buy anything - they wouldn't take Visa or Mastercard; basically they'd only accept cash, Krugerrand, and black diamond truffles - walking out of there with my shiny silver carrier bag always felt like a bit of a victory.

My shopping habit was so all-encompassing that I had to construct a list of rules so friends could better understand the process. But rather than sending them down from a couple of heavy tablets on Mount Sinai3 I simply emailed them.

The Jen Commandments of Shopping

Thou shall not buy on sale. Because sale? Is another word for shit not good enough to be purchased full price.

There's no such thing as too many twin-sets. And you shall not rest until you have them in Every. Single. Color. (Except orange, because, you know, ick.)

Remember the three most important things when buying shoes: Italian, Italian, and Italian.

Life is too short to wear synthetic. Our Heavenly Father would not have placed all those goats in the hills of Kashmir4 if He wanted you to put on something fashioned from a recycled Mountain Dew bottle.

Salespeople are there to carry the heavy stuff for you. So let them. See also: Cold Beverages, Running to fetch.

Coupons are for amateurs. What good is a four hundred dollar sweater if you can't tell people you paid four hundred dollars for it? See also: Commandment, First.

"Outlets" are for plugs and creative expression, not malls. Is style so trivial to you that you're wiling to purchase your clothes at a store situated between the place where they sell the deformed Goldfish crackers and designer impostor perfumes? I think not.

Only shop in stores that have a philosophy. Hell, yes, you should pay 10% for a store with a philosophy. (Even if that philosophy is, "Let's sucker our customers into paying 10% more.")

The harder to pay, the better it is. Self-explanatory. See also: Marcus, Neiman.

People who say "less is more" are simply jealous. More is ALWAYS more. This is precisely the reason people go ga-ga over twins and litters of puppies and why a matched set of Kate Spade luggage is so much better than a single piece.

Even though I treasured almost every item sold in each of the Holy Trinity's bountiful departments, the merchandise wasn't the only draw. I loved the service and the personal attention. Nothing made me happier than when my girl Basha at Nordstrom's Dior counter called me to tell me about a new line of body shimmer. It made me feel like she had ESP; how did she know that very morning I'd looked at myself in the mirror and thought Yes, you glow, but are you luminous enough?

No matter how chaotic Michigan Ave was, I knew I could enter the pricey enclaves of my favorite places and it would be calm, cool, and quiet. Clerks would speak in hushed tones - almost reverent - and would wrap my pair of Capri pants and Lacoste shirt with the same care they would use to package Waterford crystal for shipping. There would be few other shoppers around, and we'd rarely interact because we were all too involved with our own expeditions.

My little boyfriend who worked the David Yurman counter would squeal whenever he saw me pass, sibilantly exclaiming, "Ooh! What are we treating ourssselvesss with today?" and before I could say "nothing, thanks" he'd be waving a black velvet-covered platter full of sssparkly thingsss at me. And it would have been rude not to try - and purchassse - at leassst one of them, right?

Obviously, I don't live my life like this any more (a) because I can't and (b) because I like to think I have some small capacity for "learning." I'll be honest - I still dig buying stuff, but that's mostly because at the nadir of our unemployment, purchasing anything other than dog food and toilet paper was a luxury. I still believe in the Holy Trinity, except now it's Target, Trader Joe's, and IKEA.

Table of Contents

1 Yes, I only wore J'Adore Dior. But I had to smell everything to make sure it was still my favorite.

2 White and white only, thank you very much.

3 Really, with the schlepping? Oy.

4 Do not give me the "Oh, but most cashmere comes from China now" argument. My point remains the same.

Customer Reviews
Average Rating 4.5
( 170 )

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  • Anonymous

    Posted June 26, 2011

    There are footnotes

    FYI - there are footnotes on the nook...you just have to touch the number and it will bring you to the page. It's a little annoying because sometimes it doesn't work and just forwards the page...but they are there and they are funny. Also...the footnotes each have their own page...so, I loved the book and thought I was only half way finished when I realized it was over and all that was left were all of the footnotes that I already read. I would still recommend the book...but next time I read a Jen Lancaster I might buy the paperback instead.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted August 27, 2010

    NO footnotes on the ebook version!!

    I just downloaded the ebook version of this book only to find that an extremely important feature is not included. Jen Lancaster uses footnotes throughout her book (like on every page) that are extremely funny and make up a large portion of the humor. To read the book without the footnotes is a complete waste. I am very dissappointed!

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted October 29, 2011

    more from this reviewer

    So Many Laughs!

    Full disclosure: I'm a huge Jen Lancaster fan. This woman makes me laugh and make a fool of myself while reading in public places. She is awesome. In a lot of ways, Jen Lancaster reminds me a lot of myself. We have some key differences but I think we'd be good friends. She's always getting herself into really funny and strange situations and telling the stories of the situations in such a funny way that you find yourself laughing out loud and having to read a couple pages to your husband to show...moreFull disclosure: I'm a huge Jen Lancaster fan. This woman makes me laugh and make a fool of myself while reading in public places. She is awesome. In a lot of ways, Jen Lancaster reminds me a lot of myself. We have some key differences but I think we'd be good friends. She's always getting herself into really funny and strange situations and telling the stories of the situations in such a funny way that you find yourself laughing out loud and having to read a couple pages to your husband to show him what you're laughing about.

    I can relate to this book on so many levels. My husband and I both grew up in the suburbs and both dreamt of living in the city. We're in the city now living our dream but unfortunately city living, as Ms. Lancaster, points out is not really as glamorous as Sex and the City would have us believe. I love my city but I've gotta say something happens every once in awhile that makes me think, "Gee, let's go back to Suburbia right now." I found myself nodding my head along with Jen throughout the book.

    Bottom line: If you're looking for a laugh, both suburbanites and city mice will find something to love about this book!

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  • Posted October 22, 2011

    more from this reviewer

    Has Multiple Glitches on NOOK

    Lancaster's witty content is hindered by glitches in its electronic version.

    When I click on many footnotes, it redirects to the wrong location.

    Also, after reading page 195, it redirects to page 180 in a frustrating loop.

    Good content, but save yourself the frustration and get the paperback version!

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  • Anonymous

    Posted June 23, 2011

    Very funny.

    Loved the book--love J. Lancaster's sense of humor. The book had me laughing out loud. I have recommended this book to all of my friends.

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  • Posted April 9, 2011

    Another good one!

    I haven't read one of her books that I didn't like. In fact, I can relate to much of what she has written! She has me laughing through the whole book. Loved it!

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  • Posted February 28, 2011

    why did i press confirm?

    not funny at all, a waste of money. why does any girl in a city fancy herself bridgette jones or shopaholic?

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  • Posted February 6, 2011

    HILARIOUS!!!

    Jen doesn't disappoint in this book! My favorite part is when she talks about her fears of going to the gyno. I chuckled out loud many times throughout this book! I can't wait to read the next in the series!

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  • Posted January 23, 2011

    Recommended for anyone needing a light spin on life

    With each of the author's books, she provides quips and comebacks as she leads a somewhat normal life for a published author. This book will provide any reader with lighthearted look at life's situations.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted April 16, 2010

    Jen Lancaster kills...

    Everything Jen Lancaster writes is hysterical. She is a great observer of people, mostly of herself. She is glib, hilarious, and not afraid to cuss like a logger when the situation merits. This is a guaranteed great light read that you won't be able to put down.

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  • Posted March 20, 2010

    nook is missing the footnotes for Lancaster books!

    Luckily I've read other books by Jen Lancaster to know that there are witty footnotes at the bottom of many pages. The nook does not include this. Beware before downloading this. Despite the missing footnotes, I still read almost half of the book before getting frustrated and I'm now in search of the hard cover. I love this author's books and must read the whole book. Until then, I can't give a rating.

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  • Posted March 11, 2010

    more from this reviewer

    She's still the Queen of Snark!

    A wonderful followup to Bitter is the New Black! I laugh so hard reading Jen's books...I feel like I need to go through them with a highlighter so I can remember all of her snarky comments! This book starts where "Bitter" left off...she's learned her lessons about material possessions and is thankful to be gainfully employed, and her observations about her new status are hilarious. People actually submit resumes to catchall email addresses of huge companies? REALLY? Only Jen could discover these airheads and call them out...unfortunately, none of them probably posess the mental equipment to read and/or understand her books!

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  • Anonymous

    Posted February 20, 2010

    Fun, easy read

    Fun writing, easy to relate to her, makes you feel like you're talking to a friend.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted January 11, 2010

    I love her writing

    She's like the friend I've never met. V. Funny (the whole reason I had to buy this book is b/c I ruined my friend's copy & had to buy her another one-this book + drinking a glass of water - you get the picture). She's bold, sassy and snarky at times, but you will love her. You won't be disappointed.

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  • Posted December 9, 2009

    more from this reviewer

    Hilarious!!!!

    A wonderful clerk at B&N suggested reading something from Jen Lancaster. I have never laughed out loud so much with any other book in my life. My husband now thinks that I am nuts. Well done and hilarious. After reading the first had to buy all and can't wait fot the next.

    Thanks, Jen!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  • Posted December 8, 2009

    Hilarious!

    This is the first book that made me snort while reading. If you are a an animal parent you will totally relate. If you are depressed or if you just want to laugh until you pee your pants, this is the book for you.

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  • Posted December 3, 2009

    more from this reviewer

    I Also Recommend:

    Jen Lancaster is fab

    I loved Bitter is the New Black so I thought I'd like this book also. I definitely did. It was very funny and relatable as always. I definitely recommend this book!

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  • Posted September 12, 2009

    more from this reviewer

    I KNOW you are Reading this Jen!

    Love! Love! LOVE! Jen Lancaster. Picked up Bitter is the new Black in the airport one day, I felt the cover was describing me perfectly, and had to purchase. Since then (05/09) I have read all of her books. She is my new favorite author. One of my best friends, who I pass the books on to, emails me where she is in the book after she reads certain sections, and we just howl with laughter. We want to have cocktails with you Jen! Cherry margaritas in fact - if we can ever find a bartender who has actually heard of a cherry margarita, which so far, we haven't found one. Keep writing and I'll keep buying. Really enjoyed this book as well, really like the author's use of footnotes. Very light reading, sure to bring a smile to your face and a pain to the side of your stomach.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted September 5, 2009

    Love, love, LOVE this book!!

    Jen Lancaster is hilarious!! This is the first book I've ever read that literally had me laughing out loud!! She is very witty and sarcastic and a great storyteller. She paints vivid pictures with her words and is very relatable. I am reading all of her books and I hope she keeps them coming! I would recommend this to ANYONE who is looking for a fun book to read. You'll be laughing so hard by the end of this book you'll have tears in your eyes!

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  • Posted August 23, 2009

    more from this reviewer

    I Also Recommend:

    Jen Is Hilarious

    Once I got started on this book, I couldn't put it down. This book is so funny and Jen is so humble and sarcastic that it all works. I plan on reading all of her book. I was hooked with Bitter is the Black. Good stuff.

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