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There ain't one easy answer for a problem that hits you from a million different directions. This is something you really have to think about, really dig into, really grab a scalpel and dissect, so that you can find the answer that works.
Where do you start?
You start with that ugly amphibian that stares you in the face every day.
And you stab the frog.
LIES. LIES. LIES. LIES. LIES.
Five absolute lies: One. When you get a BUZZ, it won't make you cooler. Lie! Truth is, getting a BUZZ makes you the duke of cool. TWO. When you get a BUZZ, you won't have a good time. Lie! Truth is, with a BUZZ, you're dancing on top of the table. THREE. When you get a BUZZ, it won't dull your pain. Lie! Truth is, getting a BUZZ makes you forget all the hurt you're going through. FOUR. Big companies are socially conscious and don't want you to get a BUZZ at your age. Lie! What are all those funsy, outdoor, extreme-action commercials all about? What are all those candy-flavored vodkas with cool people at parties all about? The earlier you start to get a BUZZ, the sooner you'll be a life-longcustomer, spending money on their stuff. So drink up, smoke up, shoot up, snort up-as early as you can, nothing makes us happier, man. FIVE. When you get BUZZed, and later repent of it, you won't have a great testimony. Lie! You'll have a great testimony. Everybody knows you need to really wallow in sin first before you get your life right with God. With a couple of really good BUZZ stories under your belt, you'll hold 'em captive 'round the old summer-camp fireside. You'll be the absolute poster child for getting your life squared away with Christ.
LIES. LIES. LIES. LIES. LIES.
HANK HASBEEN, the Maverick Renegade Troublemaker, who graduated sixteen years ago and still hangs out at your high school, presents:
The "How To Be Absolutely Stone-Cold Cool" Quiz
Listen up pencilnecks. Are you cool? I mean, really really cool? To see if you are or not, take the following quiz. Grab a pen and answer yes or no:
1. Yes/ No I get drunk every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday night.
2. Yes/ No I lie about how much alcohol I use.
3. Yes/ No Beer is necessary to have fun.
4. Yes/ No I have frequent hangovers.
5. Yes/ No I smoked pot today.
6. Yes/ No I frequently forget what I did while drinking.
7. Yes/ No Last Thursday while drunk I slapped a cop.
8. Yes/ No I sleep in my own vomit.
9. Yes/ No I give booze to my cat.
10. Yes/No I've had fake ID since I was 13.
Okay, now count up yer yeses. How'd you do?
0-2 Yeses: What a stinkin' Sunday-pants Goody Two-shoes you are. Go back to your mama and cuddle your teddy bear.
3-5 Yeses: Still a loser. In fact, you're the biggest loser ever because you just think you're cool. Truth is, your nothin' but a flat-footed dork-weed with snot for brains.
6-8 Yeses: Marginally cool. Which is nothing, really. So you're actually still a Gatorade-drinking, candy-cigarette-eatin', nine-cents-short-of-a-dime dork.
9-10 Yeses: Congratulations, jerk. You're really really cool. But only you. And me.
Excerpted from Buzz by Marcus Brotherton Copyright © 2006 by Marcus Brotherton. Excerpted by permission.
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Posted January 8, 2013
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