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As she is entering the kitchen the phone rings and Nun answers saying, "Hello?" She hears, "Nun this is Invisi Chaos I need to tell you the rules for entering Shagwood Country Club." Nun says, "Ok." Invisi says, "Once you get to the gate tell the guard that you are there to play on Mr. L.T. Bulb's membership with his daughter and her husband at eight a.m." Nun asks, "Is that all we need to do?" Invisi says, "No. Also be prepared to get your butts kicked on the golf course!" Nun replies, "We will see what happens in a couple of hours." Invisi says, "Let's make a side bet. If I win you will have to streak across the fairway during the trophy ceremony at the Open next weekend and if you win I will do the same." Nun replies, "Your on Invisi!" Invisi says, "We will see you at seven thirty at the clubhouse." Nun says, "Ok. Goodbye." And hangs up the phone.
Captain Charisma walks into the kitchen and asks, "Who was that on the phone dear?" Nun answers, "That was Invisi letting us know what to tell the gate guard once we get to Shagwood Country Club." Captain Charisma asks, "When will breakfast be ready dear?" Nun answers, "Breakfast will be ready in about ten minutes." Captain Charisma says, "Ok. I am going to take a quick shower and get dressed before breakfast." Invisi says, "Make it a quick one dear. The last time you wanted to take a quick shower you were in there for almost an hour." Captain Charisma quickly replies saying, "That was only because I fell asleep." Nun says, "You did fall asleep that is true but, if I had not come in there to check on you when I did you would have ended up looking like a dried prune." Captain Charisma says, "I get your point dear. I will stay awake in the shower and make it a quick one this time." Nun says, "I'll let you know when breakfast is ready if you are still in the shower dear." Captain Charisma says, "I'll be out of the shower before breakfast is ready dear." Nun says, "If you are going to get cleaned up before breakfast is ready you had better get moving. It will be ready in about seven minutes dear."
Captain Charisma takes off in a hurry and jumps into the shower with his pajamas on and starts to get cleaned up. As soon as he realizes his mistake he discards the wet pajamas and finishes his shower in record time for him (four minutes and twenty seconds). He walks into the kitchen just as Nun puts his plate onto the table and startles her. She asks, "Did you take a shower or did you just get wet?" Captain Charisma answers, "I took a shower dear. Don't you think it is time for you to get ready?" Nun looks at the clock on the wall and sees that it is six-thirty and takes off for the bedroom to get dressed. Captain Charisma finishes his breakfast and walks into the bedroom and asks Nun, "What are you going to wear today?" Nun answers, "The same thing I wore last weekend dear. The oversized golf shirt and golf cleats." Captain Charisma says, "You should be very comfortable in that outfit dear." Nun says, "It is very comfortable dear." Meanwhile across town at the Chaos household it is a completely different situation. Captain Chaos is still sound asleep when his dog Nails jumps onto the bed wanting to go outside. Invisi walks in and sees Nails running up and down the bed. Invisi gets Nails off the bed and notices the time and yells, "Captain Chaos get up! We need to get ready to go to Shagwood Country Club for our round of golf with Captain Charisma and Nun so you can prove that you are the better golfer." Captain Chaos says, "Let me sleep another ten minutes dear." Invisi answers, "You can't sleep another ten minutes. We will be late getting to the course as it is and they may not let us in since we do have an eight o'clock tee time and we have to check in by seven thirty dear."
Captain Chaos pops up out of bed and sees Invisi letting Nails go into the backyard. He gets up and starts for the bathroom to start getting dressed. As he enters the bathroom he sees that the shower is already running and steam is rising in the shower stall. He turns and says to Invisi, "Thank you for starting my shower dear." Invisi replies, "I did not start the shower for you. I started it for me." Captain Chaos says, "To late dear I am getting into the shower right now." Invisi comes running into the bathroom and says, "You had better not be in my shower dear!" She looks and sees Captain Chaos at the sink shaving with a large grin on his face. Invisi says, "Very funny dear. Let Nails in when he scratches on the door." She then quickly gets into the shower and starts singing. Captain Chaos finishes shaving and starts for the kitchen quickly with his fingers in his ears. He gets to the kitchen and finds fresh coffee waiting for him. He gets his cup of coffee and goes back into the bedroom and finishes dressing. A few minutes later Captain Charisma takes on Shagwood Country Club Invisi emerges from the bathroom dressed and ready to go. Captain Chaos says, "You look nice dear. Are you ready to go play some golf?" Invisi answers, "Yes I am ready to go play some golf."
As they are heading toward the door to leave Invisi hears Nails scratching on the kitchen door. She looks at Captain Chaos and asks, "Was Nails scratching on the door earlier?" Captain Chaos answers, "No. He was not scratching earlier. This is the first time I heard him scratch." Invisi says, "We can leave him outside while we are gone." As they are getting into the car Invisi looks at her watch and sees that it is seven-fifteen. She looks over at Captain Chaos and says, "We have fifteen minutes to get to Shagwood so that we can check in for our eight o'clock tee time dear." Captain Chaos says, "We will make it dear and they drive off in a hurry towards Shagwood Country Club and their personal showdown with Captain Charisma and Nun.
Captain Charisma and Nun arrive at the front gate to Shagwood Country Club and the guard steps out to greet them. Nun says, "We are here to play on Mr. L. T. Bulbs membership with his daughter Invisi and her husband Captain Chaos. I am Nun Charisma and this is my husband Captain Charisma." The guard looks at his clipboard and sees that Mr. Bulb has given his permission for Captain Charisma and Nun to play at Shagwood Country Club on his membership." The guard says, "You may go ahead. The clubhouse is just to the right." Nun says, "Thank you." They drive in and see the clubhouse that looks like an English castle. Nun says, "Wow! This is a fantastic looking clubhouse dear." Captain Charisma says, "Yes it is dear. I wonder if Captain Chaos and Invisi are here yet?" Nun says, "You know them dear. Those two could be late to anything even their own births."
Captain Charisma and Nun walk into the clubhouse and over to the desk to ask the clerk to check them in so that they can tee off on time. As they arrive at the desk the clerk asks, "May I help you?" Nun says, "I am Nun Charisma and this is my husband Captain Charisma and we are here for an eight o'clock tee time." The clerk looks at a clipboard and sees their names on the list and says, "I will need to check your golf bags and cleats to make sure that you are not using an illegal club or wearing spikes that are too long." Captain Charisma says, "That is ok with us sir." The clerk checks Nun's bag first and then her shoes and moves on to Captain Charisma. He looks at Captain Charisma's bag and notices only a putter in the bag. The clerk asks, "Sir is this the only club you are going to use today?" Captain Charisma answers, "That is the only club I use any time I play golf." The clerk checks his shoes and says, "You both are clear to tee off at the first tee at eight o'clock."
Captain Charisma asks, "Have Captain Chaos and his wife Invisi checked in yet?" The clerk looks at his clipboard and answers, "No sir they have not checked in yet. They need to be here in ten minutes so that I can inspect their clubs and cleats so that they can tee off at eight o'clock otherwise I will have to give them a two o'clock tee time this afternoon." Nun asks, "Can you give them a few extra minutes because we are supposed to play golf with them today?" The clerk answers, "I can give them ten extra minutes or else they will have to wait until this afternoon to tee off. You and your husband can tee off at eight o'clock if you want." Nun says, "Thank you." She walks over to Captain Charisma and says, "He will give them an extra ten minutes to get here or else they will have to wait until two o'clock to tee off." Captain Charisma says, "Great we have to hope they can get here in time or else we will have to wait until this afternoon to tee off." Nun says, "The clerk said that we can tee off at eight o'clock if we want to without them or we can wait." Captain Charisma says, "We'll wait until eight o'clock and then decide what to do." Nun says, "Ok, we will wait."
At the clubhouse desk the clerk gets on the phone and calls his friend Cary Bags the local sports writer for the Classic paper. The clerk says, "Cary, Captain Charisma and his wife Nun are here to play golf with Captain Chaos and his wife Invisi at eight o'clock this morning." Cary asks, "Who is Captain Charisma and what is the big deal that he is going to play golf this morning?" The clerk answers, "Captain Charisma is the one who shot a fifty one last weekend at the public course and he lost the Amateur Open to Captain Chaos a couple of years ago." Cary says, "I remember reading that story now. So what brings those two together today?" The clerk answers, "Captain Chaos is not here yet. I am waiting for them to get here so that I can check them in." Cary says, "I'll be there in fifteen minutes to check this event out if it happens." The clerk says, "Ok. I'll see you in fifteen minutes." And hangs up the phone.
Captain Chaos and Invisi arrive at the entrance to Shagwood Country Club at seven forty-five. The guard steps out and asks, "May I help you?" Invisi says, "I am Invisi Bulb Chaos and this is my husband Captain Chaos we have an eight o'clock tee time this morning." The guard looks at his clipboard and says, "I do not see your name miss." Invisi says, "We are using my father L.T. Bulb's membership to play this morning." The guard looks at his clipboard again and says, "I found your names under Mr. Bulbs guest list. You may enter." They drive in and park and run into the clubhouse. They get to the desk and the clerk asks, "May I help you?" Invisi says, "I am Invisi Chaos and this is my husband Captain Chaos and we have an eight o'clock tee time this morning." The clerk looks at his clipboard and says, "You just made it in time to get checked in. I will need to inspect your golf bags and cleats to make sure that you are not using any illegal clubs or that your spikes are too long." The clerk finishes his inspection and says, "The Charisma's are here waiting for you. I'll take you to them." As they approach the Charisma's Captain Chaos puts a note in the clerks coat pocket.
The clerk leads Captain Chaos and Invisi to the porch area near the first tee and they see Captain Charisma and Nun sitting at one of the tables talking. When they get to them the clerk says, "Now that all of you are together I need to inform you that you will be playing the Expert course today not the regular one the members use." Captain Chaos says, "That's not fair. We played our practice round on the regular course yesterday not the Expert course." The clerk says, "Your course was changed by Mr. L.T. Bulb this morning. He said, "He did not want anyone to have the upper hand today and wants it to be a fair and even match." Captain Chaos says, "Great! Just when I have a little advantage on Captain Charisma I lose it." Invisi says, "It does not matter dear you can beat him anyway without knowing how to play the first four holes." Captain Chaos says, "It would help me get an early lead if I knew how to play the first four holes dear." Invisi says, "Let's play and see what happens dear." Captain Chaos says, "Ok. Let's get started. The clerk says, "Follow the path marked with blue arrows to the first tee of the Expert course and good luck."
As he is walking back to his desk the clerk reaches into his pocket and removes the note that Captain Chaos had put there. He opens the note and finds a ten dollar bill and a message that says, "Here is something to make sure that I win today. Bring my extra set of golf clubs to the ninth tee so that I can use them to win today." The clerk looks around and sees a set of golf clubs standing at the end of his counter. He walks over and sees that Captain Chaos's name is on the bag. He picks up the driver and notices that it has been altered. It has marks on the head of the club where it looks as if it had been opened. He takes it and weighs it against a regular club and finds that Captain Chaos's club weighs fifteen ounces more than a standard club.
The clerk walks over and calls his manager to come and see the club. The manager walks up and asks, "Where is the club that you believe has been tampered with?" The clerk answers, "Here it is. And hands the club to the manager who weighs it himself and says, "You're right this club has been tampered with. Who does it belong to?" The clerk answers, "Captain Chaos sir." The manager says, "We will just have to tell Captain Chaos that these clubs will not be allowed on the course. Where is he?" The clerk answers, "He is getting ready to tee off with Captain Charisma on the Expert course." The manager says, "Ok then. I will lock these in my office and give them to him on his way out today." The manager takes the clubs to his office and locks them away. The clerk thinks, "Will Captain Chaos be mad when those clubs aren't at the ninth tee when he gets there?"
The group follows the path and comes to the first tee. Invisi reads the yardage marker and says, "This is a 510-yard par 5 hole with bunkers on both sides of the green and along the fairway." Nun asks, "How will we determine who tees off first?" Captain Charisma says, "We can flip a coin to see who goes first." Captain Chaos says, "Ok. I'll flip the coin." Nun says, "No! Let Invisi flip the coin." Captain Chaos asks, "Why can't I flip the coin Nun?" Nun replies, "You can't flip the coin because you made the challenge sir. So let Invisi do it." Captain Chaos hands Invisi the coin and she says, "Captain Charisma you call it first and if you guess it correctly you will go first and Captain Chaos will follow you but, if you get it wrong Captain Chaos will go first and you will follow him." She flips the coin into the air and Captain Charisma says, "Heads." The coin lands and Invisi says, "It is tails. Invisi says, "So Captain Chaos you will tee off first and Captain Charisma you will tee off second. Now Nun you need to call it." Nun says, "Tails." Invisi says, "It's heads. So I'll follow Captain Charisma and you will follow me."
So Captain Chaos tees up and hits a good-looking drive 300-yards down the fairway. Captain Charisma tees up and sends a towering drive high into the air that travels 150-yards down the fairway and just as his ball is getting ready to hit the ground it bounces high into the air and travels another 60-yards down the fairway. (What the group did not see was the ball hit a turtle that was crossing the fairway when Captain Charisma teed off) Invisi tees up and launches a nice-looking drive 270-yards down the fairway. Nun walks over and tees up and launches a terrific drive 285-yards down the right side of the fairway.
Excerpted from CAPTAIN CHARISMA TAKES ON SHAGWOOD COUNTRY CLUB by Russell Carter Copyright © 2012 by Russell Carter. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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