Children Are from Heaven: Positive Parenting Skills for Raising Cooperative, Confident, and Compassionate Children

by John Gray

Overview

This brilliantly original and practical system for parenting children is the brainchild of John Gray, whose Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus books and seminars have helped millions of adults communicate more effectively and lovingly with each other. Based on the idea that children respond better to positive rather than negative reinforcement, the Children Are from Heaven program concentrates on rewarding, not punishing, children and fostering their innate desire to please their parents.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780061870873
Publisher:	HarperCollins Publishers
Publication date:	10/13/2009
Sold by:	HARPERCOLLINS
Format:	eBook
Pages:	400
File size:	628 KB

About the Author

John Gray, Ph.D., is one of the world’s leading relationship experts, and an authority on improving communication styles for couples, companies, and communities. His many books have sold more than fifty million copies in fifty different languages worldwide. John lives with his wife and children in northern California.

Hometown:

San Francisco, California

Date of Birth:

1951

Place of Birth:

Houston, Texas

Education:

B.A., M.A., Maharishi European Research University; Ph.D., Columbia Pacific University, 1982

Website:

http://www.marsvenus.com/

Read an Excerpt

Chapter One
Children Are from Heaven

All children are born innocent and good. In this sense our children are from heaven. Each and every child is already unique and special. They enter this world with their own particular destiny. An apple seed naturally becomes an apple tree. It cannot produce pears or oranges.

 As parents, our most important role is to recognize, honor, and then nurture our child's natural and unique growth process. We are not required in any way to mold them into who we think they should be. Yet we are responsible to support them wisely in ways that draw out their individual gifts and strengths.

Our children do not need us to fix them or make them better, but they are dependent on our support to grow. We provide the fertile ground for their seeds of greatness to sprout. They have the power to do the rest. Within an apple seed is the perfect blueprint for its growth and development. Likewise, within the developing mind, heart, and body of every child is the perfect blueprint for that child's development. Instead of thinking that we must do something to make our children good, we must recognize that our children are already good.

Within the developing mind, heart, and body of every child is the perfect blueprint for that child's development.

As parents we must remember that Mother Nature is always responsible for our children's growth and development. Once, when I asked my mother the secret of her parenting approach, she responded this way: "While raising six boys and one girl, I eventually discovered there was little that I could do to alter them. I realized it was all in God's hands. Idid my best and God did the rest." This realization allowed her to trust the natural growth process. It not only made the process easier for her, but also helped her to not get in the way. This insight is important for every parent. If one doesn't believe in God, one can just substitute "genes" -- It's all in the genes.

By applying positive-parenting skills, parents can learn to support their children's natural growth process and to avoid interfering. Without an understanding of how children naturally develop, parents commonly experience unnecessary frustration, disappointment, worry, and guilt and unknowingly block or inhibit parts of their children's development. For example, when a parent doesn't understand a child's unique sensitivity, not only is the parent more frustrated, but the child gets the message something is wrong with him. This mistaken belief, "something is wrong with me," becomes imprinted in the child and the gifts that come from increased sensitivity are restricted.

Every Child Has His or Her Own Unique Problems
Besides being born innocent and good, every child comes into this world with his or her own unique problems. As parents, our role is to help children face their unique challenges. I grew up in a family of seven children and, although we had the same parents and the same opportunities, all seven children turned out completely different. I now have three daughters ages twenty-five, twenty-two, and thirteen. Each one is, and has always been, completely different, with a different set of strengths and weaknesses.

As parents, we can help our children, but we cannot take away their unique problems and challenges. With this insight, we can worry less, instead of focusing on changing them or solving their problems. Trusting more helps the parent as well as the child. We can let our children be themselves and focus more on helping them grow in reaction to life's challenges. When parents respond to their children from a more relaxed and trusting place, children have a greater opportunity to trust in themselves, their parents, and the unknown future.

Each child has his or her own personal destiny. Accepting this reality reassures parents and helps them to relax and not take responsibility for every problem a child has. Too much time and energy is wasted trying to figure out what we could have done wrong or what our children should have done instead of accepting that all children have issues, problems, and challenges. Our job as parents is to help our children face and cope with them successfully. Always remember that our children have their own set of challenges and gifts, and there is nothing we can do to alter who they are. Yet we can make sure that we give them the opportunities to become the best they can be.

Children have their own set of challenges and gifts, and there is nothing we can do to alter who they are.

At difficult times, when we begin to think something is wrong with our children, we must come back to remembering that they are from heaven. They are perfect the way they are and have their own unique challenges in life. They not only need our compassion and help, but they also need their challenges. Their unique obstacles to overcome are actually necessary for them to become all that they can become. The problems they face will assist them in finding the support they need and in developing their special character.

Children need compassion and help, but they also need their unique challenges to grow.

For every child, the healthy process of growing up means there will be challenging times. By learning to accept and embrace the limitations imposed by their parents and the world, children can learn such essential life skills as forgiveness, delayed gratification, acceptance, cooperation, creativity, compassion, courage, persistence, self-correction, self-esteem, self-sufficiency, and self-direction. For example:
* Children cannot learn to be forgiving unless there is someone to forgive.

* Children cannot develop patience or learn to delay gratification if everything comes their way when they want it.

* Children cannot learn to accept their own imperfections if everyone around them is perfect.

* Children cannot learn to cooperate if everything always goes their way.

* Children cannot learn to be creative if everything is done for them.

Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, Children Are from Heaven. Copyright © by Ph.D., John Gray. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.

Table of Contents

	Acknowledgments	XV
	Introduction	xvii
1	Children Are from Heaven	1
	Every Child Has His or Her Own Unique Problems	2
	The Five Messages of Positive Parenting	6
	A Vision of Possibilities	18
2	What Makes the Five Messages Work	21
	The Pressure of Parenting	22
	Reinventing Parenting	23
	A Short History of Parenting	25
	Violence in, Violence out	27
	Why Children Become Unruly and Disruptive	31
	A Global Shift in Consciousness	34
3	New Skills to Create Cooperation	38
	Ask, but Don't Order or Demand	38
	Use "Would You" And Not "Could You"	39
	Give up Rhetorical Questions	43
	Be Direct	45
	Give up Explanations	46
	Give up Giving Lectures	48
	Don't Use Feelings to Manipulate	49
	The Magic Word to Create Cooperation	51
	A Short Review and Practice	52
	What to Do When Children Resist	54
4	New Skills to Minimize Resistance	55
	Four Skills to Minimize Resistance	56
	The Four Temperaments	57
	Sensitive Children Need Listening and Understanding	58
	Active Children Need Preparation and Structure	61
	Responsive Children Need Distraction and Direction	66
	The Gift of Singing	68
	Making Chores Fun	69
	The Gift of Reading	71
	Using Distraction to Redirect	72
	Receptive Children Need Ritual and Rhythm	75
	Loving Rituals	78
	Practical Rituals	81
	Giving Our Children What They Need	82
5	New Skills for Improving Communication	83
	Why Children Resist	84
	Taking Time to Listen	86
	The Two Conditions	88
	Hard-Love Parenting	90
	Soft-Love Parenting	94
	Learning to Delay Gratification	98
	Meeting Your Children's Needs	100
6	New Skills for Increasing Motivation	102
	A Short Update on Punishment	103
	Why and When Punishment Worked	104
	The Positive Side of Punishment	106
	The Simple Proof	108
	The Alternative to Punishment Is Reward	110
	The Two Reasons a Child Misbehaves	112
	Why Giving Rewards Works	112
	Negative Acknowledgments	114
	Catching Your Child Being Good or Doing the Right Thing	117
	The Magic of Rewards	119
	Why Children Resist Our Direction	120
	Understanding Rewards	122
	Rewards According to Temperaments	125
	Sample Rewards	126
	Always Have Something up Your Sleeve	127
	A List of Rewards	129
	Recurring Patterns	131
	Rewarding Teenagers	132
	Dealing with a Demanding Child in Public	133
	Rewards Are Like Dessert	134
	Learning from Natural Consequences	135
	The Fear of Rewards	138
7	New Skills for Asserting Leadership	140
	Learning How to Command	141
	Don't Use Emotions to Command	142
	It's Okay to Make Mistakes	143
	When Emotions Are not Helpful	144
	Yelling Doesn't Work	145
	Make Your Commands Positive	146
	Command but Don't Explain	149
	Commanding Teenagers	151
	Reasons and Resistance	153
	A Better Way of Commanding	155
	Increasing Cooperation	156
	Choosing Your Battles	157
8	New Skills for Maintaining Control	159
	The Need for Time Out	160
	How Negative Feelings Get Released	163
	The Ideal Time Out	164
	Explaining Time Outs	165
	Four Common Mistakes	167
	Too Much Time Out	167
	Not Enough Time Out	168
	Expecting Your Child to Sit Quietly	170
	Using Time Out as Punishment	171
	Hugging Dad	172
	Adjusting Your Will Versus Caving In	173
	When to Give Time Out	174
	Three Strikes and You Are Out	175
	When Time Out Doesn't Work	176
	What Makes the Five Skills Work	177
9	It's Okay to Be Different	180
	Gender Differences	182
	Different Needs for Trust and Caring	183
	Continuing to Trust and Care	185
	Boys Are from Mars, Girls Are from Venus	188
	Mr. Fix-It	190
	Mrs. Home Improvement	192
	When Advice Is Good	194
	Boys Forget and Girls Remember	195
	Different Generations	197
	The Culture of Violence	198
	Different Temperaments	200
	How Temperaments Transform	201
	Afternoon Activities	203
	Different Body Types	204
	Different Intelligence	206
	Academic Intelligence	207
	Emotional Intelligence	207
	Physical Intelligence	208
	Creative Intelligence	208
	Artistic Intelligence	209
	Common Sense Intelligence	210
	Intuitive Intelligence	210
	Gifted Intelligence	211
	Different Speeds of Learning	213
	Good Here but Not Good There	214
	Comparing Children	215
10	It's Okay to Make Mistakes	217
	From Innocence to Responsibility	218
	Whose Fault Is it Anyway?	223
	Learning Responsibility	224
	Hardwired to Self-Correct	226
	Your Child's Learning Curve	226
	Understanding Repetition	228
	Learning from Mistakes	229
	Learning to Make Amends	231
	Don't Punish, Make Adjustments	234
	How to React When Children Make a Mistake	236
	Doing Your Best Is Good Enough	242
	When it Is Not Okay to Make Mistakes	246
	Hiding Mistakes and Not Telling the Truth	247
	Children of Divorced Parents	249
	Not Setting High Standards or Taking Risks	250
	Justifying Mistakes or Blaming Others	252
	Teens at Risk	254
	Low Self-Esteem and Self-Punishment	256
	Making it Okay to Make Mistakes	259
11	It's Okay to Express Negative Emotions	261
	The Importance of Managing Feelings	262
	Learning to Manage Feelings	264
	Coping with Loss	266
	Why Expressing Emotion Helps	267
	The Power of Empathy	269
	The Five Second Pause	271
	When Children Resist Empathy	274
	When Parents Express Negative Emotions	275
	The Mistake of Sharing Feelings	278
	Asking Children How They Feel	280
	What You Suppress, Your Children Will Express	281
	The Black Sheep of the Family	284
	Making Negative Emotions Okay	285
12	It's Okay to Want More	286
	The Fears About Desire	287
	The Virtues of Gratitude	289
	Permission to Negotiate	291
	Learning to Say No	292
	Ten Ways to Say No	294
	Asking for More	295
	Modeling How to Ask	296
	The Power of Asking	297
	Giving Too Much	299
	Children Will Always Want More	300
	Children of Divorced Parents	301
	The Longing of the Human Spirit	303
13	It's Okay to Say No, but Mom and Dad Are the Bosses	304
	How Parents Affect Their Children	306
	Coping with Negative Emotions	307
	The Development of Cognitive Abilities	309
	Children's Need for Reassurance	310
	Children Have a Different Memory	312
	Coping with Increased Will	312
	Balancing Freedom and Control	314
	Two Problems of Losing Control	316
	The Nine-Year Stages of Maturity	317
	The Development of Responsibility	319
	Understanding the Generation Line	320
	Divorce and the Generation Line	323
	Controlling Your Preteens and Teens	324
	Using the Internet to Improve Communication	326
	Getting Support from Other Parents	328
14	Putting the Five Messages into Practice	330
	Mothers and Daughters	331
	Fathers and Daughters	331
	Mothers and Sons	332
	Fathers and Sons	333
	Teens Secretly Appreciate Limits	334
	What to Do When Your Child Takes Drugs	337
	Dealing with Disrespectful Language	338
	Permission to Speak Freely	340
	Making Decisions	342
	The Cycles of Seven	343
	Why Teens Rebel	345
	Improving Communication with Teens	346
	Respect Your Teen's Opinions	348
	Sending Your Teen Away	351
	Instead of "Don't" Use "I Want"	352
	Asking Your Children What They Think	353
	The Challenge of Parenting	355
	The Gifts of Greatness	356

Editorial Reviews

They're Not from Mars or Venus

Any parent will tell you that raising a child is the hardest job in the world. How does one prepare a young person for the challenge of living in today's society? How do we teach them to cope with the violence and chaos of the end of a millennium? Is there a healthy alternative to punishment? More importantly, how can we manage a trip to the grocery store without a tantrum?

Relationship expert John Gray believes parenthood today requires a different set of skills than it has in past generations. In Children Are from Heaven, Gray asserts that children are more sensitive to violence and other negative acts pervasive in our culture today. Fear-based parenting techniques such as spanking, threats, intimidation, and disapproval are no longer useful; we must adopt more peaceful and nurturing methods if we want our children to grow up with their wills and spirits intact.

Granted, most of us weren't raised this way. Learning to use time-outs instead of spanking for younger children and what Gray calls "adjustments" instead of punishment for teenagers is like trying to learn a difficult foreign language. Renowned for his bestselling Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, Gray uses easy-to-understand analogues that describe complicated emotions and deeply ingrained behaviors such as helping women understand that men need to go "into their caves." And has simple yet compelling advice to men that they don't always have to "fix things" for women. Now, mothers and fathers will find the same candor in Children Are from Heaven with its five messages of positive parenting that will enable them to stay calm and collected for their kids.

The first of these messages, "it's okay to be different" requires parents to recognize what is special about their child and nurture it. Not all children learn at the same pace and it's important not to criticize a child for simply being who they are. "Every child, regardless of gender, has special needs associated with his or her particular challenges and gifts," Gray writes. Some of the other messages like "it's okay to make mistakes" and "it's okay to express negative emotions" may bring up a parent's own issues surrounding mistakes and emotions, and mothers and fathers must be careful not to project their emotions onto their child.

Gray bases his advice on the idea that every child is born perfectly innocent, a gift from heaven. They are already perfect; a parent's job is to provide a safe place for them to grow and should refrain from projecting their own ideas of a child's future. "Our most important role is to recognize, honor, and nurture our child's natural and unique growth process," writes Gray in Chapter One. "We are not required in any way to mold them into who we think they should be."

This approach is so different from past generations, when the ideal child was one seen and not heard and expected to perform adult tasks even while still under the age of ten. Up until the age of nine, Gray believes, children should be protected from the outside world. They should not be criticized for mistakes or made to feel as if they have done anything wrong, even if their behavior would have a elicited some sort of punishment 20 years ago. Until children are ten years old, according to Gray, their behavior is the responsibility of the parent and should not be blamed for anything. Many parents might find this hard to stomach, but Gray provides tools that help a parent stay in control without damaging the fragile psyche of the child.

Although fear-based parenting is too harsh for children today, Gray warns against permissive parenting. Many parents feel that the old ways don't work but because they haven't replaced it with another, more positive form of control, their children run willy-nilly all over them. We have all witnessed a child going out of control in public, a sign that there is not enough structure at home. Children want us to be in control, Gray says. Even teenagers secretly appreciate firm rules and commands because it gives them a safe structure in which they can safely explore the world.

Children Are from Heaven is literally loaded with useful skills, stories, and educational principles that will surely inspire parents to adopt Gray's philosophy. He assures that it will work for any child at any age, no matter what has happened in the home in the past. Any parent willing to give up the old ways can follow his instructions. Fear doesn't work, but love does. But Gray also points out that love isn't enough: parenting takes time. Taking time to listen means everything in the world to a child; your positive attention is sometimes all it takes to bring a child back in control; this kind of attention is vital to your child and can't be replaced with anything else.

—Jessica Leigh Lebos

bn.com

"All children are born innocent and good," asserts Gray, author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. Getting them to cooperate is merely a matter of arousing their natural desire to please their parents, without breaking their fragile will in the process. Five skills of positive parenting induce cooperation, supported by their five underlying messages, one of which is the author's mantra: "It's o.k. to say no, but remember Mom and Dad are the bosses." In a synthesis of old-fashioned authoritarianism and modern psychological sensitivity ("soft love"), parents are urged to view a child's resistance as natural and healthy, and to listen, empathize and finally assert their authority firmly and unemotionally. If this approach sounds unrealistic, it certainly feels right in the context of Gray's penetrating (and often historically minded) psychological explanations. In the hypnotic style of a therapist, Gray gradually replaces parental advice with empathy, and an emphasis on obedience with an emphaisis on cooperation, supplying a new repertoire of one-liners and age-, gender- and temperament-specific suggestions along the way. While placing the entire responsibility for children's behavior on their parents' shoulders, this book essentially simplifies the business of parenting in order to enable children to grow into their strongest, most responsible selves. (Oct.) Copyright 1999 Cahners Business Information.

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