Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

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More About This Book

Overview

The two core books of the personal recovery movement, together in one volume. How to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself. More than 4 million copies sold.

Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780894864025
  • Publisher: Hazelden Publishing & Educational Services
  • Publication date: 9/28/1986
  • Edition description: Anniversar
  • Edition number: 2
  • Pages: 264
  • Sales rank: 822
  • Product dimensions: 5.38 (w) x 8.42 (h) x 0.68 (d)

Meet the Author

Beattie was a struggling single parent of two children and freelance author and journalist cranking out stories for a small-town daily newspaper in 1986 when she came up with a book idea. She wanted to write a book about what happens to people when they love someone who is addicted to alcohol and other drugs."There were many books out there about how to help an addict or alcoholic. Nobody was talking about how an addict impacts the lives of the people around him or her, and how crazy you can become when you love someone who is addicted," Beattie said. "Even though I was sober, I didn't know how crazy I could get until it happened to me." Twenty publishers turned down Beattie's book proposal. "It's a good idea, but we don't think there's that many codependents out there," they wrote back.Hazelden, however, a treatment center and recovery publisher based in Minnesota, saw a need for the book. The publisher understood how families of alcoholics suffer and believed Beattie's book idea would help people. Beattie marched to the welfare department, asked for enough financial help to make it through the three months it would take her to write the book, then locked herself in a basement office and cranked out Codependent No More. Codependent No More has now sold 3.5 million copies. Beattie has since written nine more books, five for major publishing houses on the east and west coasts. She relocated from Minnesota to California, and she has long-since paid back the welfare department. Beattie has appeared in the pages of Newsweek and People and has been a regular guest on Geraldo and Oprah. Playing It By Heart is Beattie's first original book for Hazelden since 1990; the book is a return to her recovery roots that first brought her national recognition.

Read an Excerpt

PREFACE TO THE 1992 EDITION


BACK in the early eighties, when I first envisioned writing a book about codependency - when I was desperately struggling to sort through my own pain - I vowed that if I ever figured out what happened to me and what I needed to do to get better, I'd write a book about it. That book, I decided, would be warm, gentle, nonjudgmental, nontechnical.

It would be kind. Because that's what I needed - information and kindness. I needed help with my healing process from my codependency issues.

About five years later, I sat down to write that book. Just separated from my husband of ten years, I went on welfare for four months, to help me support myself and my two children, Nichole and Shane, while I wrote Codependent No More.

When I wondered how I, a nonexpert, could write a book like that, I took comfort by telling myself that it was okay to say what I thought because only a few people would read it anyway. I also spent a great deal of time on the introduction, striving not only to introduce the book, but to introduce the concept of codependency - the word - to a world that, for the most part, had not heard about it.

Now, another five years later, I've been asked to write an anniversary preface to a book that has sold over two million copies.

"What do I put in it?" I asked my editor and friend, Rebecca Post, from Hazelden.

"Tell about the changes that have happened - to women, to people in our country, to you, since you wrote that book," she suggested.

"Hmmm," I pondered. "What changes have happened besides the Persian Gulf War, the breakdown of communism in the Soviet Union, and the Hill-Thomas hearings?"

I turn on the television. The movie of the week, I can't remember the name, is a story about a teenager struggling to deal with her alcoholism and the impact of being raped. Her mother, a nurse, has worked valiantly to break free from a dysfunctional and abusive relationship with her husband, the girl's father. Throughout the movie, mother and daughter talk directly about not rescuing each other because of the diminishing effects of such behavior. The movie ends with the daughter playing a guitar and singing a song she's written about not being a victim anymore.

I walk into a church, one I haven't attended for a long time. The sermon is somewhat unusual this cold, Sunday winter morning. The minister is speaking from his heart, telling the congregation that he is done leading a church that's based on shame, fear, guilt, and dishonesty. He wants instead, he says, to be part of a church that's based on equality, honesty, intimacy, acceptance, and the healing power of God's love. He wants to be part of a church where he can have his own issues and problems, and where people are functioning in healthy, honest relationships with each other and God.

My daughter comes home from her first week at a new school. "Guess what, Mom?" she says. "We're reading a meditation each day in homeroom class from your book, The Language of Letting Go. And at my friend's school, they're talking about codependency issues in health class."

Codependent No More, with a picture of handcuffs broken apart on the front cover, makes the best-seller list in France.

Catdependent No More, parodying the title of my book, makes the 1991 Christmas book list here in Minnesota.

Some things have changed. I've written four more books, traveled the world, divorced (but not remarried), and paid back the welfare department for the financial help they gave me.

I feel more passionately about the importance of healing from our abuse issues. I feel more passionately. I've become more spontaneous, embraced my femininity, and learned new lessons along the way - about boundaries, flexibility, and owning my power. And about love. I'm learning to respect men. My relationships have deepened. Some have changed.

The most significant change in my life has been the loss of my son, Shane. As you may have heard or read, in February of 1991, three days after his twelfth birthday, my beloved Shane - so much a part of my life and work - was killed suddenly in a ski accident on the slopes at Afton Alps.

I'm learning about death and life.

I've grown and changed. I've watched my friends grow and change. Many of you have written to me about your growth and change.

I still struggle with feeling feelings and trusting my process, my path, and my Higher Power. I still feel afraid at times. Sometimes I forget and try to control everything. I may become obsessive, unless I catch myself.

And, despite its years on the best-seller list, the most common question I'm still asked by people and the media is, "Just exactly what is codependency?"

Some things haven't changed, at least not a lot. I still refuse to be an expert and permanently decline the title of "guru." But I'm still willing to tell you what I see, and believe.

Although some things appear not to have changed, things are constantly changing. Our consciousness, as individuals and as a society, has been raised. We've realized that women have souls, and men have feelings.

And I've gone deeper into my healing process than I ever intended.

* * *


I don't know how much my writing has contributed to this consciousness-raising, and how much the consciousness-raising has contributed to my writing. But I'm grateful to be part of what's happened.

I'm honored to be part of a movement influenced by people such as Anne Wilson Schaef, John Bradshaw, Patrick Games, Earnie Larsen, and led by people such as you, my readers - the real heroes - quietly and profoundly doing your own healing work and carrying the message to others, most significantly by example.

I've met many of you in my travels across the country. Some of you have written to me. Thank you for the love, support, and compassion you've shown me not only over the years, but throughout the rough, raw months of 1991 after Shane's death.

Many of you have written to me, saying how much I've helped you. Well, you've helped and touched me, too.

One woman wrote to me recently, saying she had read all my books and had been recovering from codependency for years. "I want to learn more, though," she wrote. "I want to go deeper into my codependency. Please write more about that."

Maybe we don't need to go deeper into our codependency. We can, instead, march forward into our destinies. We can remember and practice all we've learned about addictions, codependency, and abuse. With compassion and boundaries, we need to commit fully to loving God, ourselves, and others. We need to commit fully to trusting God, ourselves, and our process.

Then we can be open to the next step. We are on time, and we are where we need to be. We can be trusted. So can God. And letting go and gratitude still work. Keep your head up and your heart open. And let's see what's next. Happy five-year anniversary, Codependent No More.

Melody Beattie

Customer Reviews
Average Rating 4
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  • Anonymous

    Posted May 14, 2001

    Masterful Encouragement

    This is the best book I've ever read about letting go of unhealthy attachments to people and the pain associated with it. I highly recommend it to anyone who has ever loved an addictive person, an abusive person, or lived in a family with dysfunctional behavior. To me, the best lessons explained in this book are 'you cannot change other people - they will only change when they are ready' and 'detaching from an unhealthy situation doesn't mean detaching from the love you feel for a person, it means setting yourself free from the pain of your involvement with them.'

    8 out of 8 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted November 4, 2008

    more from this reviewer

    Helpful

    This is the book that started it all. I know it is cliché but, this book has changed my life and my thinking¿

    I was talking to my father on the phone one day and I was explaining to him how I have no problem exercising and eating right when Otty is gone but I can¿t seem to keep it up when he is home. My father then asked me if I wanted to know what that was called¿he told me it was called co-dependence and that I should start learning about this by reading a book called Co-dependent No More. I pretty much ran out right away and purchased the book.

    Now, I have never been a big advocate for self-improvement books, but I have to say that this book was very enlightening. Co-dependency has a different definition for everyone. This book made me delve into my own retched thoughts and confront them head on.

    This book made me realize that I have a voice and an opinion and both matter just as much as the next person. I realized that I can make decisions and not have to worry if my opinion is what other people may think or want. My opinion is exactly that¿my opinion. It is okay to have an opinion that is different than someone else¿s.

    I also learned that I need to detach myself from the people in my life that cause me harm¿emotionally, physically, doesn¿t matter¿

    Though I may not struggle with an abusive alcoholic, I still struggle with the internal doubts and feelings of self worthlessness. I have learned that I do not need to immerse myself so deeply in someone else¿s life that I lose myself. I can keep my individuality while sharing my life with another. If we have conflicting views¿that¿s alright.

    When I first read this book, I figure that I would not post my feelings about it because they were too personal. However, now having some distance from the book and being able to employ the lessons I have learned, I am able to share myself with others.

    I am not perfect and it is absolutely acceptable for me to let other people know this. Maybe, by sharing these thoughts, someone else might be inspired to read this book and better themselves as well.

    7 out of 8 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted January 29, 2004

    One of the best on Codependence

    For many years, I was in a completely codependent relationship and did not know how to break out of it. Then I figure a way out on my own. At least I thought I did... but what happened was that I just changed the people around me and the relationships were essentially the same. After reading this great book, I finally stopped blaming other people for my relatioship problems and began looking into myself. It was then that my life really began to make a positive change. I then read another excellent book called, 'The Ever-Transcending Spirit' by Toru Sato and I began seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. It provided me the motivation to move on from my codependent relationships. It is a tough thing to deal with your own issues inside but it is the only way out and the only way to real happiness. Are you ready to do some real work and step out of your own misery? If your answer is yes, I recommend these books to you.

    4 out of 4 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted May 15, 2010

    Codependent No More was just what it promised by the title!

    I purchased this audio book on CD for a friend and I've watched in absolute amazement at the emotional progress she has had since she received the gift. She said it was really hard to get through the first five chapters of the book because it hit so close to home. She kept telling herself that it would probably get better soon. These experiences of others (in the first chapters) made her realize that others had it worse than she did and to guard herself against further decline within herself. Then it started helping her in ways that she didn't realize could happen and in areas that she didn't know she even needed help. She told me she had the power to withstand abuse and the faith to move forward from this book. The road for her is still very difficult but this book gave her hope. I will probably give her the second book by Melody Beattie for her birthday. I think I will listen to it as well at that point! Thank you Melody for sharing your heart and hurt so others could heal.

    2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted May 15, 2009

    more from this reviewer

    I like this book, which does not make it easy to read. It is written clearly, and is straightforward, yet it is at times difficult to maintain focus. The stories are paramount, though none will identify will them all. Read it. Find the pearls.

    A Very Personal Perspective: I finally launched (well, compared to the tentative perusal I previously managed) into Codependent No More today. The initial pages of conversations with codependents are as expected in that they are generally about partners of alcoholics. Not only do I not identify with this, but despite my intellectual understanding of the fact that it isn't about the alcoholism, I dread each story. When you see nothing in common with the stories, it is difficult to find motivation to continue. By page 32, I am most thoroughly disenchanted with the conversations, although the "brief history" of the concept and naming of codependence is mildly interesting, based on the minimal description. And then on page 36, the author inks a single sentence definition of codependency. And I begin to pay attention.

    "A codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior."

    By page 37, I am interested when the author acknowledges that she is not an expert on codependence, and does not know for a fact if it is an illness. And as she offers to continue the "brief history", it is evident that she is passionate about what is and is not real with regard to this apparently self-destructive predisposition. As she goes on to describe codependence, I am struck by the thought that she is describing every compassionate human being that ever lived, every humanitarian that made a difference, and every individual who ever reached out a hand to a person in need. I am reminded of a quote that has personified me and haunted me for most of my adult life."your greatest strength can become your greatest weakness." And I am compelled to read on, for how can something so purely benevolent become something so utterly self-destructive? I know that I am looking for an answer, and yet it is unlikely that I will find one. For if I have learned anything in this world, it is that there are no silver bullets, no ultimate solutions to end human mistakes, discomfort and error, to end human suffering and stagnation, or to remove roadblocks to human progress. There are only conversations and possibilities. Ultimately, we must choose our conversations, opt to expand our thoughts, and fearlessly open up to the possibilities. And so I read on.

    2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted February 22, 2009

    Long winded rant

    This book could have been about 200 pages shorter if written properly. The subject matter and terms are just redundant, redundant and redundant. It's the same thing, page after page. It's reads more like a scorned woman's long winded tirade. It's not enjoyable to read and if you put the book down after the first twenty five pages, you're not missing anything new. She's a modern day Herman Melville. Same material over and over.

    2 out of 6 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted January 13, 2003

    I really love this book!

    I was in a bad relationship and this book really helped us straighten it out. It was not easy but it helped us figure out why it wasn't working and what we can do about it. I think the author has important insights that all of us can learn from regardless of how healthy our relationships are. If you are interested in improving relationships, I would also recommend Rhythm, Relationships, and Transcendence by Toru Sato. It is a fabulous book that will take you closer to enlightenment.

    2 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted December 26, 2000

    Life Changing

    This book was perscribed while I was going through a divorce I did not want. It's written for everyone. If the title puts you off buy two copies! Keep a copy for reference. You'll want to share this book with people who feel bad about a relationship that doesn't work. Fantastic, a rare find and important peice of work.

    2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted February 21, 2010

    Great book!

    This book opened my eyes to alot! Would definitely recommend it to anyone who's lived with an alcoholic or someone controlling, and who's in need of putting things in the right perspective.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted September 19, 2009

    more from this reviewer

    Great book to help establish if you are CoDependent

    Helped me understand what codependancy is all about. Opened up my eyes to a new world. Good reading for anyone that believes they need help with the following traits: depression, dependancy, always attracting the wrong people,and enabling everyone.

    This book has helped me to identfy the things I can not change and the ability to change things that I can.

    Great Read.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted July 4, 2009

    This is one of the best books i have ever read

    This is one of the best books that i have ever read. I could not believe how much i could relate to it. I think that everyone should read this book even if they don't have addictions in there life. This book has made me under stand that i am inportant and i do not have to live a life that someone else has chosen. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
    Pat

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted November 20, 2000

    Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

    This is indeed a great book for codependent individuals. The principles learned in the book got me started on the right path. I learned even more about these prinicples from the book An Encounter With A Prophet.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted November 7, 2000

    Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

    This book helped me to see my problem was me. I have been in therapy for years; however, my therapists seem to accept that my husband was my problem. This book opened my eyes.

    1 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted October 5, 2000

    It's a very helpful book.

    Gave me a whole new way to see my life and enjoy it. I found freedom to be myself,something that I have never experienced it before.

    1 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted March 26, 2000

    An inspiring book

    This book was recommended to me and reading it was like discovering a hidden treasure chest on an island. The wealth of information and practical exercises offered were very effective in my life...they changed my life for the better. This is an inspiring book! Another excellent book that I highly recommend and goes hand in hand with this one, and is also very helpful is Dietmar Scherf's 'Depression: Avoiding and Overcoming: I Love Me' also available at bn.com

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted January 9, 2012

    A must read if you're in this situation. A lot of necessary work, on your part.

    Melody Beattie is very encouraging, however, this life change takes a lot of very necessary work. As we work through this process we are finding that we could encourage this book to several of our friends!

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  • Anonymous

    Posted December 30, 2011

    A must-read if you want to explore the issue of codependency. But take it all with a grain of salt.

    Codependency is an amorphous concept and could probably be applied to anyone at some point in life. Definitions differ, symptoms run the gamut, and more than a few professionals disregard it as pop-psychology (codependency is NOT listed in DSM IV as a possible diagnosis).

    Even so, this book is insightful and helpful for people (like myself) who feel they exhibit a lot of the symptoms of codependency. This book can help you understand the origins and manifestations of codependency in your life.

    Just remember to take what's helpful and ignore what isn't. I thought some chapters were a waste of time (especially all the talk about the 12 steps) while others were so insightful I had to put down the book and slowly digest the information.

    It is hardly a "bible" for codependency and it will not answer all of your questions, but it IS a great first step.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted November 30, 2011

    Really good book... a must read if you want to understand most of society

    Codependents create codependents and we deal with them a lot more in society than we ever used to. Although the book is a little outdated as far as the addictions categories go, it is relevant for anyone who has lived with an addict of any kind.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted November 9, 2010

    This Book Is On The Money!

    This book offers a powerful insight into why we do the things we do and more importantly, suggestions on how to deal with those very things. It's a great book. I'd also suggest that you buy another book called "When God Stopped Keeping Score." It's an intimate look at the power of God and forgiveness. Given the chance, it too will change your life.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted June 3, 2010

    Fantastic resource - gave me a whole new perspective

    This was a phenomenal book. It really changed my life. I didn't realize that I was taking on co-dependent tendencies, and didn't even know what that meant, until I read this book. The checklist was so valuable, and I could relate to many of the case studies outlined by the author. I can't enough good things about this book.

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