Coming out of Shame: Transforming Gay and Lesbian Lives

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In Coming Out of Shame, Gershen Kaufman and Lev Raphael expose the role shame has come to play in gay and lesbian lives. Rarely discussed but vastly important, shame powerfully shapes each individual's development of self-esteem, identity, and intimacy - three areas where gay men and lesbians have been extremely vulnerable to the crippling effects of shame. Tracing the historical and cultural sources of gay shame, Kaufman and Raphael reveal how gay men and lesbians have internalized shame, resulting in ...
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More About This Book

Overview

In Coming Out of Shame, Gershen Kaufman and Lev Raphael expose the role shame has come to play in gay and lesbian lives. Rarely discussed but vastly important, shame powerfully shapes each individual's development of self-esteem, identity, and intimacy - three areas where gay men and lesbians have been extremely vulnerable to the crippling effects of shame. Tracing the historical and cultural sources of gay shame, Kaufman and Raphael reveal how gay men and lesbians have internalized shame, resulting in self-loathing and self-destructive behaviors. The hallmark of shame is silence, and by breaking the silence around the dynamics of gay shame, Kaufman and Raphael offer a way to "come out" of shame and begin the journey toward wholeness and self-acceptance. Filled with the experiences of those struggling to overcome shame, Coming Out of Shame includes strategies for storing self-esteem, creating a positive gay identity, healing scenes of shame, and developing partnerships in intimacy. Self-affirming and inspirational, Coming Out of Shame guides the transformation of gay shame into gay pride and empowers gay men and lesbians as no other book has done.

One of the nation's leading experts on shame and an award-winning fiction writer reveal how the lives of gay men and lesbians have been shaped by shame and offer a way out of gay shame and into pride, self-esteem, and a healthy gay/lesbian identity.

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Editorial Reviews

Library Journal
Psychologist and psychotherapist Kaufman (Shame: The Power of Caring, Shenckman, 1981) has been publishing on shame for two decades; Raphael, his life partner of ten years, is best known for his fiction (Winter Eyes, St. Martin's, 1992). Together they present the main features of shame theory based on the work of Silvan Tomkins; they then move on to examine how internalized shame and fear impact on self-esteem, identity, and intimacy, specifically in the life experiences of lesbians and gay men. Maintaining that the self is continuously evolving, the authors offer "reparenting" imagery to transform scenes in an attempt to help make patterns of emotion more visible and thus diminish shame in individuals and relationships, as well as facilitate resolution of such issues as sexual monogamy. The use of humor and examples from case studies help mitigate the text's redundancy. The technical terminology somewhat obscures the many insights in this book clearly intended for the sophisticated layperson. For public collections strong on gay issues.-James E. Van Buskirk, San Francisco P.L.
Ray Olson
Basing their approach in the psychology of Silvan S. Tomkins, who believed humans are governed by emotions rather than, as Freud averred, sexuality and aggression, Kaufman and Raphael explain how one emotion--shame--affects, overwhelmingly negatively, the lives of homosexuals and what gay individuals and couples can do to transcend shame's ill effects. They neatly dovetail theory, illustrative anecdotes, and prescriptive advice as they exhaustively survey the almost innumerable ways in which shame undermines personal security, happiness, and mental health. If it sometimes seems that the methods they relay for transforming shame into pride are inadequate to the battle with shame they see gays as doomed to fight and refight, at least they themselves, as a couple who have overcome shame in many contexts, can cite their own experiences to argue that specific victories are possible. A singularly intelligent example of the psychological self-help genre.
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The authors reveal how gay men and lesbians have internalized shame, resulting in self-loathing and self-destruction. They also provide strategies for transforming gay shame into gay pride.
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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780385477956
  • Publisher: The Doubleday Religious Publishing Group
  • Publication date: 12/1/1995
  • Edition description: 1st ed
  • Edition number: 1
  • Pages: 320
  • Product dimensions: 6.52 (w) x 9.55 (h) x 1.09 (d)

Table of Contents

Prologue: Divided from Ourselves 3
Ch. 1 A Sickness of the Soul 15
Ch. 2 Haunted by Shame 77
Ch. 3 From Gay Shame to Gay Pride 122
Ch. 4 Affect, Sex, and Relationships 187
Ch. 5 Partners in Intimacy 236
Epilogue: Revisioning Our Lives, Reinventing Ourselves 274
Notes 281
Selected Bibliography 285
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