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My oldest daughter, Courtney, died in December, 2010, at the age of forty, of complications from twenty years of drug addiction. This is not the story of her life, but her afterlife, in which she is communicating with me, through automatic writing, about what she is learning on the ?other? side.
Although I have done automatic writing at various times in my life, I have never before had such a long, ongoing communication. But then I?ve never before had a child pass over. Courtney...
My oldest daughter, Courtney, died in December, 2010, at the age of forty, of complications from twenty years of drug addiction. This is not the story of her life, but her afterlife, in which she is communicating with me, through automatic writing, about what she is learning on the “other” side.
Although I have done automatic writing at various times in my life, I have never before had such a long, ongoing communication. But then I’ve never before had a child pass over. Courtney was a very sociable, talkative, witty, sensitive, loving, and spiritual person when she was alive. Drugs took some of that away, but the essence of who she was on earth and who she is showing me through these writings definitely remains.
She writes, through me, about life on the other side, the reason we come to earth, and the lessons we need to learn. Her writings have been helpful to my family and friends, and my friends have passed them on to some of their friends. It seems to make people feel better and look at things differently. I know it’s made everything a lot easier for me, knowing she’s still around and continues to learn, grow, and pass that information on to us.
I hope you’ll find her words as inspiring, helpful, and life-affirming as we have.
Courtney—look back on past what good I did and what I didn't do—feeling much better now all is clear don't only think about what might have been—it was what it was—hard life. Not now, what is done is done, but what's important is know it doesn't really matter because I'm still here and doing what we always been doing: loving. We're really unchanging in our love. My love is like a continuous fountain that just got stopped up for awhile and flows now again, but was never gone. Love Courtney. Love you , love to Bleu and all. More later.
Mom—Ok you are doing well and I am doing great. Thank you for helping me to cross over. You are right about feeling like I came home. I had such a hard time on earth–that plane called earth and life, but this is life for me, not that, unless you are evolved enough to know what is going on there. All of us love life here. At first it's not so easy because you do see your whole life and what you've messed up and what you did good too, but the mess-ups are hard to look at and I slept for awhile at first but that was okay too. There was energy of people who helped me wake up and go through my life but no judgment from them, just like holding me up and surrounding me with love and non-judgment. What a relief. I took things so seriously, so sensitive, what a waste of time that is. Go lightly through the world was an excellent quote and so true. It's a game and a school and an observation, but it's not really life. This is life. I was way more dead there than here. Tell Bleu I love him and to laugh at life there and have fun, real fun, not serious. He's so wonderful and learning so much with you. Keep up the good work and thank you for being my guide when I'd let you be.
Once I woke up, I felt so strong I could open your computer. The cat got the candy cane off the tree and I placed it. I will try to show you more, but am getting busy. I'm doing more here than I did there. Will let you go and I love you.
(I asked Courtney for some signs that she was really still around and the next day I found my laptop open, which I'd closed and locked, and a candy cane on the kitchen table right at the place I always sit)
Bleu will be okay. He's such a good kid, let him be for now. I will keep allowing him to feel me in whatever way he can and I will visit him at night. If he can remember, it will be good for him. This life you are living is the illusion you've read about and have understood at times and it is the love that is real. All for now, love Courtney
The only home I'd ever known until now was with you. And don't take this wrong, but there is no home on earth that compares to the feeling of home here—it is all encompassing. There is a feeling of safety that nothing on earth can touch. You prayed that I would find a safe place while I was there AND I HAVE.
I love you, thank you for your prayers for me.
(I asked about putting an ad—the fourth one—to find a home for the cat, Remmie):
Answer: December thirty ad in at 5pm
(I did as she said and a woman called who had picked out another cat, but it fell through and she came over at the time Courtney said she would and Remmie found a good home with her)
Jan 3, 2011—Bleu's 12th birthday
Twelve years ago, I could have changed my life there, but I didn't. I don't know why I thought I couldn't. Basic immaturity, I think, too much responsibility, I think. It wasn't a lack of love for Bleu. I loved him greatly and I did try at first, but I also knew that you would take over the responsibility when I could no longer keep it up. He also knows that and why he came through me to you. Twelve years, forty years, sixty-four years—it's a blink of an eye just used on earth to keep some kind of order, but truly meaningless. Time is all now. All for now, love you all and always. Later on gab more Molly.
(Molly is one of our dogs)
Life can't be destroyed because energy can't be destroyed and we all have our own energy which is why we're recognizable to those who know us. This comes as a real shock to those who don't believe that there's more to life than on earth. I'm glad you always taught that there was more, because to some souls it can be traumatic for awhile to find out they're still alive after their body is gone. But they get over it eventually with a lot of help from both those on earth and those here.
Good morning and it is nice that you're receiving my messages in different ways and recognizing them as from me. (I started writing down signs I was receiving from Courtney—from songs, to butterflies, to dream visits and more) Yes, I will continue even if I'm busy here—that won't interfere with being there with all of you. Just keep being aware and you will know I'm here and there and it's all the same.
I visit Molly * (my 14 yr old dog who loved Courtney) at night. Share this with her because another month and she will be here with me.
* (When Courtney was 13 we moved from Milwaukee to Birmingham, AL. When she was 17 we moved to Charlotte, NC. When she was 25, we moved to Denver. Courtney started traveling and ended up in Eugene, OR, where she got more and more into heroin and trouble. She called one day in 1997, not to ask for money, which she did regularly, but to ask to come to Denver and get clean. For the first time ever, my husband, Richard, and I had a house to ourselves. Nine months earlier we had bought a house after our two younger daughters moved out. We were having a wonderful time, but when Courtney called, I said yes, she could come and stay with us for six months and we would support her getting clean.
She arrived in Denver on July 4, 1997. After seeing our house for a minute, she asked to go to the hospital to treat an awful abscess she had on her upper right arm. They kept her for surgery and she stayed in the hospital on a morphine drip for three days. She was happy. A couple weeks later, a dog appeared at our door – a husky, shepherd, collie mix. She immediately fell in love with Courtney and we named her Molly, after no one claimed her. She slept with Courtney every night.)
I can't believe I hid myself from myself and everyone else for so long. I was a kind and fun person until I started doing drugs and then believed I couldn't live without them. It was that belief that did me in. I'm so glad that's over and that I can help others in the same situation and keep growing and learning and helping here, which is what I wanted to do there. How freeing this has been. Beliefs really are lies many times, but they're the first step to knowing. You don't have to hang on to beliefs that are no longer needed, but they are important to temporarily ground you until you know more. It's the negative beliefs you hang on to and let run your life and relationships and stop up the love that should be flowing all the time. That's why it doesn't matter what you eat, drink, etc. It's your belief about it that makes it real for you and when a lot of people have the same beliefs about one thing then it becomes a consensus and appears to be a truth. People get herded into "truths" that aren't even true and that's why you always need to look within for the truth for you and until you can touch that truth within you'll know it's just a belief.
So you don't get the idea that nothing you do can affect or ruin your body, since I'm a good example of that, not all bodies are the same and you have to know what your body can and cannot tolerate. It needs to come from within, not from so-called experts. In my case, the destruction came in my belief that I needed to take drugs to function. And like driving your car repeatedly into the side of your garage and not expecting to eventually hurt your car and garage, I thought I could keep doing drugs and not keep injuring my body. And even when I realized I couldn't, I still believed I needed them to function. And then my body, like any material thing, couldn't take any more. There are laws on earth and you must abide by some of them like breathing and eating and drinking and gravity, but the laws of what should and shouldn't eat or drink or even breathe are man- made and need to be decided for the individual body and your mind and spirit know what that is. Just wanted you to know it's about beliefs versus knowing. Okay, done for now.
You want to know how my leaving was. All I know is it was hard at first and got easier and easier. The hard part was allowing it to happen. Once I did, and you all helped me with that, then it got easier. I stayed close for the two days you were there, but toward the end I floated in a foggy place and then I left. The fog would part sometimes and I'd see the light and people I knew and then it was like falling back to sleep and waking up and sleep and waking and then I woke up and these energies were there helping and then I saw people I did know like * Nana and Grandma Burns and Steve and Grandpa Burns *, who I knew from before I came to you. Garv showed up and so did Bear and other pets we had, but they didn't all stay. Just came to say hello. The transition isn't scary once you allow. It's like being born, but since I was in such a drugged state, it just took a little longer to become aware of my surroundings. That's why babies, when you were born, didn't respond as well as babies whose mothers didn't have drugs before they gave birth. Same thing—mirror experiences—except when you're born there you start forgetting here and when you're born here, you start remembering what you really are and why you ever were born there. You forget why you went and now you remember why you did. Funny. Of course, the idea is to remember while you are there and then celebrate coming home when you're done. Mission Accomplished. Not an easy thing to actually do, but that's the goal and that's why people keep going back to try again. But, don't worry; I'm not going back anytime soon. That life kicked my ass. More later, I love you.
* (She's talking about my mother, father, brother and grandmother —all who have passed on)
Few things want to say. First of all, when you're fully "here" and look at the life you had "there", you see that you were never a victim of anything. You are always a participant through the energy you're sending out which draws like energy to you. Change your energy through your thoughts and you really can change the course of your life despite what you might have set up for your life. Second of all, even if I decided to go back to earth before you pass, I would still be here too. Our highest real self is always in this plane, but it's where our focus is that makes it physical or non-physical. Do you see? We never completely leave our essential being because that's who we really are. We can't truly be something we aren't.
Beliefs are why Jews were killed, beliefs are why blacks were lynched, beliefs are why Indians were massacred, beliefs are why Mexicans are being deported, beliefs, beliefs, beliefs. I can't talk about this enough because beliefs are not knowing, they're lies we tell ourselves. Even addiction is no more than a belief—it is all in the mind where the belief lies. And it is a lie, it's never a truth. Only the truth can stop the insanity that lives on earth in people's minds and it starts with beliefs—negative, separating beliefs that keep people imprisoned there. It's so simple it's almost funny. It's not like anything is truly changed by beliefs because nothing can change the truth of who we are. Beliefs are a guide leading toward the truth or away from the truth, but beliefs are not the truth. It's really important to know and remember this. So sorry if I'm repeating myself, but it needs repeating over and over again.
There is no hell, but you already know that and there is no evil, only sickness, only a turning away from the truth and there is no death, all of those things are an illusion created in our minds when we think we're separate from other things. You already believe these things, but don't yet really know them, but you will and that is a lot of freedom to know these things. Freedom from worry, guilt, stress, fears—those don't exist with knowledge of the truth of what we really are. The physical body could live a lot longer with this knowledge, but right now the physical world is meant to be a playground and schoolhouse to visit for awhile. It's susceptible to deterioration and renewal and deterioration and renewal and on and on. The swings at a playground are a good metaphor for life: up and down, high and low and after so much you need to go home and rest and do other things. I'm re-learning a lot. These are all things each of us know and forget and re-learn. We remember when we're born, but then we have to learn society's ways and that really messes with our memories of what is and there we go—getting off course. Even when we retain some knowledge, we become unsure of it especially when we see so much wrong in the world and start feeling helpless and emotional. It's about remembering as much as you can while you're there. I know I keep saying here and there like they're totally different places, which they're not, but it's easier to differentiate. I love you.
You wonder what people do or feel once they pass over here and see their previous life. It's not so much that we judge ourselves for our ignorant beliefs and mistakes; it's that we become aware—like a revelation—and that there is no judgment from ourselves or others—that's an ego thing. We Conversations with my Daughter on the Other Side | 11 do not take our egos with us. The ego is not even real; it's just a thought that has no basis in reality. It's just another illusionary belief. There I go again talking about beliefs, but it's important. Love you, and you did liberate me.
Sherstin's dream about soccer: I never felt as good as Sherstin (My middle daughter). Of course, I never felt as good as a lot of people, but loved Sherstin and looked up to her and always wished I could have her look up to me. She stayed on her path and I veered right off mine. Tell her I love her.
Everyone's passing over is as individual as everyone's life. Everyone experiences their own way and sometimes surrendering is easier for some than it is for others.
I asked: (Would it have been better if we'd let the doctors do what they wanted with you? What would it have been like for you?)
(The doctors said she would probably end up in a nursing home for life and asked if we thought she would like that, since she was unresponsive. The answer was no. They suggested she be taken off life support after finding her lungs and brain were filled with abscesses and she would probably live in a vegetative state. Then they changed their minds and wanted to keep giving her medicine for the next two weeks, just to see what might happen. Our family discussed this and knowing she also had Hepatitis C and would probably be in a state nursing home for life, decided taking her off life support would be the kindest thing. The idea of her being in a state nursing home scared me badly. I felt she would end up being abused and we wouldn't always be there to protect her).
It would have been a continuation of the life I'd been living, except worse in ways because I would have been imprisoned in a place and in my brain. It was not what I wanted or needed. There would have been no growth or redemption. It would have also made all of your lives harder than they already were. It was a no win situation. The doctors would have failed themselves as well as the rest of us. I am glad to be freed of all of it and to know that all of you are freer too. It was the best ending for the path I took. There was no longer a turning back or going forward. I had literally ruined my body and it would have been a living death more than it already was. Thank you for caring enough to let me go.
I asked: (Is it time to let Molly, our dog, go?)
It's getting very close.
(Do I have to do it?)
Yes, and you'll know when. The third of next week.
(I had been watching Molly for a sign and when I got it, I realized Courtney was right— it was time to let her go. Bleu and I took her to the vet on February 3rd. She looked into my eyes and a second later was gone.)
Excerpted from Conversations with my Daughter on the Other Side by Barbara B Lauman Copyright © 2012 by Barbara B Lauman. Excerpted by permission of Balboa Press. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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