Crap Jobs: 100 Tales of Workplace Hell


Quick — what's the worst, most mind-numbing, humiliating, horrendous, horrific job you can think of?

They're all here. The worst jobs in the world. Firsthand accounts of one hundred horrible jobs guaranteed to make you groan, laugh, and maybe, just maybe help you feel a teensy bit better about your own place in the rat race. Painstakingly assembled by the geniuses behind the British humor magazine The Idler, this collection includes the gloriously gory details of such ...

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Quick — what's the worst, most mind-numbing, humiliating, horrendous, horrific job you can think of?

They're all here. The worst jobs in the world. Firsthand accounts of one hundred horrible jobs guaranteed to make you groan, laugh, and maybe, just maybe help you feel a teensy bit better about your own place in the rat race. Painstakingly assembled by the geniuses behind the British humor magazine The Idler, this collection includes the gloriously gory details of such occupations as: hospital launderette, gas station worker, weed sprayer, bank teller, janitor's assistant, and telemarketer.

It's a hilarious romp through the stinky cesspool of employment hell, with helpful commentary from those who speak of crap jobs from hard-won personal experience. So curl up with this guide and be grateful for the job you have...or grab the want ads now!

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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780060833411
  • Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
  • Publication date: 12/27/2005
  • Pages: 160
  • Product dimensions: 6.00 (w) x 6.00 (h) x 0.43 (d)

Meet the Author

Dan Kieran is The Idler's deputy editor and an expert on crap jobs. His mortifying resume includes weed sprayer, bank clerk, box stacker, washer-upper, hay bailer, marquee director, army kitchen porter, watercress farmer, pallet maker, and turkey beheader. He lives in England.

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Read an Excerpt

Crap Jobs

100 Tales of Workplace Hell
By Dan Kieran

HarperCollins Publishers, Inc.

Copyright © 2006 Dan Kieran
All right reserved.

ISBN: 0060833416

100 Model
Hours: 10am-10pm
Wages: $50 per job

Modeling isn't all coke and catwalks, you know. If you want someone with an enormous beard and you'd like to splat their beard with a custard pie for a kids TV program, then you'd call my agency, who'd call me.

The custard and the children were bad enough, I'd grown thick skinned about such humiliation over the years, but you would have thought they'd let me wash before kicking me out of the studio. When I finally made it to the station, at the peak of the summer rush hour, my congealed, putrid beard was beginning to smell. I got onto my train, with sweaty, grim-faced commuters, for the half-hour journey home. After ten minutes we stopped. Three motionless hours later the stench was medieval.

99 Hospital bed salesman
Hours: 8am-7pm
Wages: $12 per hour

I worked as a salesman for a company selling hospital beds in South London. The sales side was OK, the hospital staff, despite being wigged out with exhaustion and stress, still managed to smile and be receptive to my orthopedic mattresses sales pitch. But the targets set for us by our slick managers were stupefyingly unrealistic and the penalties for failing to meet them insidiously cruel. Every Friday evening we all trudged back to the office, a fifth-floor seventies tower block, to go through the sales records for that week. Whoever had sold the fewest mattresses had to suffer the weekly humiliation in front of everyone else in the company.

The terror of those moments still haunts me. One gray, drizzling winter afternoon it was my turn. I was ordered to strip down to my pants and run round the car park five stories below while my co-workers shouted and screamed at me through the windows. Obviously any sane person would have told them to fuck off and quit there and then. That's any sane person without a mortgage and family depending on their income.

Then one Christmas the boss hired a restaurant for our Yuletide bash. The four salesmen who hadn't reached their annual targets were 'slaves' for the evening to the twelve who had. We had to wait on them all night, pay for their drinks and serve their food. Even I managed to quit after that.

98 Bank clerk
Hours: 8.30am-5.30pm
Wages: $10 per hour

Working as a cashier has many disadvantages. The pay, the hours and the slow decline into alcoholism that you endure to compensate for the unrelenting misery, to mention but a few. But worst of all were the 'mystery shoppers' who spot-checked us to ensure we followed set procedures when serving. We all had a list taped to our tills: 'Greet the customer. Make eye-contact. Use the customer's name. SMILE. Say goodbye. SMILE. Don't distance yourself from the bank if the customer has a complaint.' etc. My Team Leader told me during my 'Performance Cascade' that any score below ninety-seven percent would be a total failure. A month later she thrust a piece of paper at me with a scowl on her face. She was going crimson as I read the last line, 'When I asked for mortgage advice Dan told me, "The banks just rip you off with terrible interest rates. Try a Building Society instead." Overall Score -- 58 percent.' Apparently I'd let the whole branch down.

97 Traffic counter
Hours: 8am-8pm
Wages: $9 per hour

I did traffic counting one very long day a couple of years ago. It was autumn and I had to be in Deptford -- miles away from where I lived -- at 8am. I knew the bus journey would take hours so I had to get up ridiculously early. When the alarm clock rang it was pitch black outside and when I left the house it began drizzling and got steadily worse. When I got to Deptford the rain came at me like the arrows at Agincourt and my socks quickly became sodden. Our traffic-counting team leader, a burly weather-beaten man, grinned heartily as he shook my hand, the rain streaming off his beard. He looked like an Icelandic fishing-boat captain. He was in his element.

I was packed off with a clipboard and pencil, and a little yellow thing with a button that clocked up traffic. I was positioned outside a school for the next twelve hours and it rained pretty much the whole time. I watched for cars and motorcycles and trucks and pedestrians crossing the road and marked them off on my checklist. The team leader visited me every hour on his rounds, which prevented me from buggering off down the pub.

The only shelter was a tree and I huddled there until the first school break when hundreds of urchins poured out and decided that I was the most fascinating thing they'd ever seen. I had to answer the same question -- subtle variations of, 'What are you doing?' -- all day until the last little shit had gone home. I attempted to conceal myself from them but it proved difficult as I was wearing a bright yellow safety jacket.

The only relief came when I went on my breaks. I sat completely drenched in a dingy diner for an hour at lunch, contemplating the hellish afternoon ahead, and in a pub for an hour at dinner time, contemplating whether I should jack it in and go straight home or stand around until 8. I wish I had gone home.


Excerpted from Crap Jobs by Dan Kieran Copyright © 2006 by Dan Kieran. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Table of Contents

100 Model
99 Hospital Bed Salesman
98 Bank Clerk
97 Traffic Counter
96 Kitchen Porter
95 Journalist
94 Detergent Salesman
93 DIY Store Stock-Taker
92 Chicken Inspector
91 Factory Worker
90 Crap Potato Chip Chucker
89 Aerial Photograph Seller
88 Industrial Cleaner
87 TV Company Runner
86 Kebab Shop Assistant
85 Truck Painter
84 Maggot Farmer
83 Garbage Man
82 Holiday Camp Waiter
81 Tampon Factory Cleaner
80 Aquarium Cashier
79 Glass Collector
78 Warehouse Assistant
77 Maintenance Worker
76 Holiday Camp Cleaner
75 Salmon Head Slicer
74 Management Consultant
73 Damaged Food Discounter
72 Internet Support Adviser
71 Pill Flicker
70 Complaint-Line Operator
69 Christian Book Stacker
68 Semiconductor Plant Gopher
67 Gardener
66 Newsagent Cashier
65 Kennel Worker
64 Slot Machine Engineer
63 Channel Five Retuner
62 Advertising Salesman
61 Pipe Counterweight
60 Night Office Cleaner
59 Pea Checker
58 Chili Sauce Bottler
57 Broadcast Executive
56 Industrial Baker
55 Battery Breaker
54 Sperm Tester
53 Silo Cleaner
52 Social Security Clerk
51 Ham Factory Worker
50 Coach Driver
49 Cinema Popcorn Seller
48 School Admin Assistant
47 Call Center Operator
46 Pie Holemaker
45 Charity Collector
44 Direct Debit Activator
43 Laboratory Assistant
42 Plastic Tray Checker
41 Milk Processor
40 Cornish Pasty Factory Worker
39 Hospital Launderette Attendant
38 Cold-Store Assistant
37 Domestic-Security Salesman
36 Freelance Magazine Designer
35 Cheese Factory Hand
34 Cement Researcher
33 Door-to-Door Salesman
32 Junk Mail Copywriter
31 Data Inputter
30 Hospital Administrator
29 Classified Ad Seller
28 Sandwich Filler
27 Landfill Executive
26 Team-Building Hell
25 Seed Processor
24 Cold Caller
23 Weed Sprayer
22 Rodent Exterminator
21 Washer-Upper
20 Garlic Grader
19 Feature Film Animator
18 Koala Stuffer
17 Spy
16 Editorial Assistant
15 Geriatric Nurse
14 Database Builder
13 Gravedigger
12 Park Warden
11 Sigmoidoscope Cleaner
10 Pig Wanker
9 Civil Servant
8 Credit Card Salesman
7 Postman
6 Trainee Solicitor
5 Recruitment Consultant
4 Night Gas Station Cashier
3 IT Manager
2 North Sea Ferry Cabin Cleaner
1 Phone Sex-Line Operator
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