Crisis Counseling in the Congregation

by Larry E. Webb

Overview

Every pastor knows that each community of faith consists of individuals who may be in crisis at any given moment, for a multitude of reasons. However, it’s essential that church leaders also view their congregations as a single organism in need of looking after as a whole. This book explores the core competencies, skills, and knowledge available to and needed by pastors so that they can provide suitable care for the most common needs of their members.

Crisis Counseling in the Congregation provides a basic tool kit including in-depth listening skill, helping questions, various frameworks, and when to refer. Pastors will also benefit from the suggested reading list.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781426753855
Publisher:	Abingdon Press
Publication date:	10/01/2011
Sold by:	Barnes & Noble
Format:	eBook
File size:	2 MB

About the Author

Dr. Larry E. Webb is President of the Kilgore Group, LLC. The Kilgore Group, LLC has a network of seasoned consultants located in numerous cities in the United States and Australia. He is ordained a United Methodist minister and has served churches in California and Florida. In addition, he was a faculty member of the American Management Association and taught the Executive Effectiveness Course for fourteen years. He has taught as adjunct faculty at several colleges and graduate programs, including the Advanced Judicial College of the American Bar Association. He is a member of the American Management Association, a Clinical Member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy, the Florida Association of Marriage and Family Therapy, and was founding member of the Florida chapter of the American Society for Training and Development.

Read an Excerpt

Crisis Counseling in the Congregation

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By Larry E. Webb

Abingdon Press

Copyright © 2011 Abingdon Press
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4267-5385-5

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CHAPTER 1

Pastoral Expectations and Pastoral Performance in Crises

Many a man would rather you heard his story than granted his request. Philip Stanhope, Earl of Chesterfield

As you move from church to church through your ministry, you begin to discover that expectations of a pastor vary among churches. In addition, you discover that expectations vary among the people in any church. It is a temptation to hold yourself accountable to all the expectations as you encounter them, but trying to be "all things to all people" is a sure way to generate personal burnout and a clear way to diminish your effectiveness in most things.

In an informal survey of several churches my firm asked lay members to list the top ten expectations of their pastor. The results were typical and included preaching, teaching, working with children or youth, visiting the sick, and performing marriages and funerals. In following up when those churches had a problem with a pastor, we found that none of the top ten was identified as the issue. As a consultant to churches, I have found that lack of clarity in expectations often becomes part of the problem. The phrase, "I am not sure what I expect, but I will know it when it is not there," seems to be frequent. What is very clear is that few people will come to their pastor for counsel if they have little trust in the person. I have yet to hear a congregation say, "We want our pastor to be good at handling crises." They don't say it, but they hope it. A crisis occurs as an internal response to an external hazardous event. The internal response may be one of fear, grief, and loss of meaning or hopelessness. The expectation is that a pastor will somehow understand what is happening and provide some assurance that there is light beyond this darkness. When pastors are accessible and responsive during individual and family crises, they earn the trust of their congregation. So, regardless of all the expectations, underlying all pastoral tasks is the challenge of developing trust with people. When there exists a high level of trust, people tend to forgive errors or look beyond omissions in ministry. When trust is low, they begin to make negative assumptions about what is going on. Most members do not expect perfection. They do expect accessibility, confidence, and competence. As for crisis, if a person or family says they have a crisis, they probably do. It is irrelevant if you or I think it is overstated, because they are in the midst of it and we are not.

Howard Clinebell and David Switzer have defined a method of pastoral crisis intervention called the ABC method. (A) Achieve contact with the person; (B) Boil down the problem to its essentials; and (C) Cope actively with the problem. Later we discuss the attitude and skills to maintain contact, to listen in a way that gets the person to tell his or her story, and then to lead that person through designing his or her own solution. Pastoral crisis intervention is often to individuals and families and includes most of the typical issues of family crises. Sometimes the crisis involves the whole community due to a tornado, a blizzard, a forest fire, a kidnapping, an accident of a school bus killing numerous students, or other tragic event. These are not, to a large extent, predictable and do not occur with regularity, but when they do occur the pastor and the church can mobilize as wounded healers, taking care of others while caring for themselves.

A church located at a rural crossroads in an area with zero population growth and some out-migration of young adults is not likely to expect to become a mega-church. It is likely to expect a pastor to be their chaplain, to be on call for illness, family crises, deaths, hospital stays, and shut-in care. If a pastor ministers in those times of uncertainty by bringing a calm reassurance, people will not rebel when a sermon just doesn't come together.

Much of what we call pastoral counseling is carried on outside the formal setting of office appointments. It can be a short interaction in almost any setting. It can take place over lunch or by a hospital bed or on someone's porch or out in the barn. It is what takes place in the interaction and not the location that is the issue. A pastor with whom I was asked to work was in trouble for a cluster of missed opportunities for ministry. He chose to go to a meeting instead of visiting a grandmother during the last hours of her life. He was late for the wedding of the daughter of a prominent church family. He missed several office appointments and, while lost in thought, failed to say hello to people he met in the halls of the church. When asked about the reported incidents, he voiced a reason for each, but that was not the issue. The issue was that he thought his reasons were more important than the ministry that was presented. We all have moments of forgetfulness. We all get distracted or neglect to note a commitment. But it is of utmost importance what we do when we realize our error. We have a chance for redemption, if the issue was not overwhelmingly sensitive or if it was not the last of a series of issues that tried the patience of your people.

The Pinch Theory

Effectiveness in ministry begins with gathering information about your congregation and clarifying its expectations. It also involves sharing information about yourself and clarifying your expectation of the congregation. This becomes the basis for establishing what I call an "interpersonal contract." A model for such a contract is called the "Pinch Theory." The model is easy to understand, and people like both the idea and its simplicity.

I will describe the model and how you can use it to get off on the right foot with any congregation or in any relationship. All relationships begin with sharing information and clarifying expectations, whether it is meeting a potential new friend, going to a new physician, or visiting a new church. All of the people are asking questions of each other and sharing their own experiences while beginning to form some clarity about what a future relationship would be like. Ask people what they did on a first date or when they sought a new job or when they met a new neighbor. They will most likely say they "talked." And if you push a little further, you will find they asked basic questions such as, "Where did you grow up?" "How long have you lived here?" "What are your favorite recreation activities?" Another thing you will note is that the answers remind you of similar experiences that prompt you to share your own story. The purpose of storytelling and listening is to find points of connection and meaning and to determine if this potential relationship has a future.

Let's take the experience of a visitor to your church: "Do you have a nursery for young children? Is there a group of young couples? How many high-school-age youth are in your church?" These and other searching questions are based in the person's inner map of what a church that would meet their needs might be like. The answers they hear may lead to further exploration or to their searching elsewhere. Let's suppose that they liked the answers they heard and that the person listening to their questions also inquired about what their best experience in a previous church was like. This dialogue would form the basis of the "interpersonal contract" referred to earlier. The interaction would also provide clues as to the church's interest in caring for others. When inquiring people hear enough of what they are seeking, they are ready to commit to that relationship. If it is conversation on a first date, it might then provide confidence to say yes to a second date. If it is a visit to a church, it might lead to a second visit or a positive response to the offer to learn more about the church.

The interpersonal contract is most often an implied agreement and is usually not understood by the participants even though it is powerfully influencing their decisions. Why is it that some people will visit a church several times and then not come back? Why is it that some couples will date several times and then call it off? Why do some young adults go off to the college of their choice after much searching only to want to quit and come home after a few days or weeks? The answer to these questions is in the interpersonal contract. When we make a decision to enter a relationship, it is based on the expectations we have at the moment about what we can expect of others and what they will expect of us. Unfortunately, no matter how many questions we ask, something will always come up that we did not expect or something we did expect does not happen. This moment is called a "pinch." This is where clarifying expectations comes in, and where reality hits us. No matter how many questions we ask, how much time we spend, how clear the contract is, there will always be some experience in which what we expected does not happen or something we did not expect to happen does. So, if this is always the case, how do we increase the likelihood that relationships will succeed and continue for an extended time? The answer is found in a simple process called the Pinch Theory. (See p. 8.)

The Pinch Theory says that when entering a new relationship—such as going to college, going on a date, joining a new church, seeing the pastor for counseling—each relationship should begin with two things. First, the more important the relationship, the more time should be spent in sharing information and clarifying expectations. Second, a contract should be entered that says:

I know that we have talked and clarified expectations a lot, but I also know that sometime in the next few months I am likely to do something, or not do something, that surprises or disappoints you. Likewise, I expect that you might do something or not do something that disrupts my understanding of you and my expectations. From experience I know this will happen. I just do not know in advance when. Therefore, I want an agreement with you, a contract, that when such a disrupted expectation (Pinch) occurs, whoever feels it first will call a meeting, no matter how small the issue might seem. Then we will sit down and clarify and update our expectations with each other. That way we can keep our relationship open and healthy.

The interpersonal contract is a powerful process for pastors to establish with their church. It sets the stage for clarifying expectations, for establishing a norm of openness, and for setting aside the unquestioned assumptions of perfection, should they exist. Most of all, it provides an upfront arrangement to sort out little things before they become large.

Let's look at relationships over a longer period of time through the model of the Pinch Theory.

1. If your relationships begin with an honest effort to know the other person or persons, and you are also clear about sharing your self knowledge and expectations, it is likely the relationship will be productive for both parties. When we have role clarity, commitment develops in the context of the relationship as we know it or understand it. The more clarity, the happier the relationship. The more unchecked assumptions, the faster an issue may arise.

2. If role clarity and commitment are achieved, a period of stability and confidence follows. We experience just what we thought we would. So the new church member experiences just what he or she expected due to gaining clarity about expectations up front.

3. However, we know that, even with an extended conversation, not all expectations will be clarified, or some may change. When disrupted expectations occur, they are experienced by one or the other in the relationship as a "pinch" (a brief moment of pain caused by the pressure of a disrupted expectation).

4. If a meeting is called, as the contract indicated, the pinch is often resolved and a further period of stability ensues. If a meeting is not called, several things may occur. The pinched party may assume he or she just misunderstood and the disruption will not likely occur again. That may be correct, but often it is only a matter of time before the unclarified expectation is violated again. If a meeting is called, the difference of expectation and experience may be renegotiated or not. If renegotiated, the relationship can move on to further effectiveness. If not, the relationship may be withdrawn or terminated.

5. In relationships in which this phenomenon is not understood, and relationships are not open to talk about expectations, a series of pinches can be expected to occur until the pain of continuing brings the parties to try to deal with it or separate. Pinches that accumulate without resolution are called "crunch."

6. When people feel a crunch, they usually experience the following:

a. Ambiguity

b. Anxiety

c. Blaming

d. Guilt

e. Feeling stuck

7. If the crunch is unnegotiated, several behaviors may result:

a. Resentful termination (people go away feeling mad and dumb; mad because of the pain, and dumb because they do not know what they could have done differently)

b. Premature reconciliation (which may lead to unnegotiated expectations and new pain)

c. Reconciliation under duress (when one party "gives in" to the other without any basic change, the peace will likely not last long)

d. Stalemate (people may get stuck for lack of skills to sort things out, or for external factors such as not enough financial resources to separate).

The previous diagram visualizes the pinch process. Without clarity and renegotiation processes, people tend to get stuck, drop out, or become resentful. They leave a relationship, job, or a church angry without knowing what they could have done to make it different. It is important to note that even when relationships are renegotiated with openness and caring, they may still result in termination. When that occurs, however, the ending is quite different. Because of the renegotiation process, new clarity is achieved and what is nonnegotiable becomes visible. Then people can choose to end the relationship, quit the church, leave college, end a marriage, and so on, with knowledge of why the ending is appropriate. They then can go away feeling sad and smart, instead of mad and dumb, sad because the ending is occurring, but smart because they understand what was not negotiable in the relationship.

Margaret sought a new church following a pastoral change at her previous church. She was fond of the comforting style of the previous pastor and also liked the style of music that prevailed in the worship services. When the pastoral change occurred, the new pastor was quite different—"more businesslike," as she described. Soon after the new pastor's arrival, the music changed to a style Margaret found difficult to worship in. Margaret at first described her discomfort to the new pastor and was informed that the church needed to change and it was doubtful they would go back to the "old" ways. So, hurt, sad, and angry, Margaret sought a new church. The one she found was somewhat like her old church same age congregation, similar activities, similar beliefs—and so she joined. What Margaret didn't do was clarify her expectations with the new church's pastor. As a result, after attending this new church for only five months, Margaret again felt out of place, hurt, and resentful, and became increasingly inactive. However, this story has a different ending. The pastor of Margaret's new church noted her slide into inactivity and called on her. She found him quite easy to talk with, and soon they talked about her expectations when she first attended and what had happened since. The pastor helped Margaret clarify the things that she had expected and which of those had happened and which had not. She admitted that the people were quite friendly and that she had found friends in an adult group. She also noted that the church used quite a variety of styles of music, some of which, though not all, included her favorites. Through this process of in-depth listening and clarifying, a new set of expectations was developed, which was more accurate with respect to what she could really expect. This allowed Margaret to return to active participation with a more hopeful, less painful experience. The pastor was also clear with Margaret that when she felt a "pinch" in the future, she was to call a "meeting" with the pastor to renegotiate or clarify expectations.

So creating clear expectations as a pastor, and then living them with transparency, creates an environment of trust and reduces unnecessary issues to resolve or conflicts to manage. Having an operative model, like the Pinch Theory, can help the pastor establish a base for all other aspects of ministry. By sharing this model with others, a climate for sorting out conflict can be created. This is both a counseling process and an organizational leadership process. Please note that renegotiating expectations does not mean agreeing to everything another person expects. Some things may not be negotiable, but making clear what is and what is not negotiable enables a person to make an informed decision to stay or leave the relationship. When something that is stated to be important is clearly not negotiable, counseling can help the person holding that expectation sort out whether it is likely not realistic anywhere and, therefore, needs to be reconsidered. When people have a "pinch" and have no way to clarify the basis for their feelings or explore renegotiation, they usually end the relationship and go away feeling mad and dumb, mad because they are hurt and disappointed, and dumb because they have no idea what they could have done differently. When the Pinch Theory is an active process, parties may still decide to part company, but they then leave feeling sad but smart; sad because they wish the relationship had been able to meet their needs, but smart because they know why it doesn't work and can address those issues in a future relationship. It is helpful for pastors to realize that many new members come in with a history of unresolved pinches. Unless these are surfaced and renegotiated, they will not likely remain members. In addition, they may become a major source of conflict in the congregation.

(Continues...)

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Excerpted from Crisis Counseling in the Congregation by Larry E. Webb. Copyright © 2011 Abingdon Press. Excerpted by permission of Abingdon Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Table of Contents

Contents

Introduction,
Chapter One Pastoral Expectations and Pastoral Performance in Crises,
Chapter Two Pastoral Care and Counseling: What It Is and Is Not,
Chapter Three The Basic Toolbox,
Chapter Four Crisis Issues in the Human Family,
Chapter Five Episodic Issues: The 24/7 Challenge,
Chapter Six Life Cycle Opportunities for Pastoral Counseling,
Chapter Seven Building a Care Support Team,
Chapter Eight Pastoral Care from the Pulpit,
Chapter Nine Care of the Caregiver,
Chapter Ten The Church as a Crisis Response Community,
Notes,
Suggested Reading,