Cruisin' on Desperation

( 11 )

Overview

In this sidesplitting send-up of church life, a hilarious cast of God-fearing, husband-hungry parishioners embark on a mission that's sure to give new meaning to the term man hunter . . .
The members of the Oh-Lawd-Why-Am-I-Still-Single church group have gathered to complain about the slim pickings in their little town of Pelzer, South Carolina. They're determined to revamp their man-chasing tactics. And ...
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Cruisin on Desperation

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Overview

In this sidesplitting send-up of church life, a hilarious cast of God-fearing, husband-hungry parishioners embark on a mission that's sure to give new meaning to the term man hunter . . .
The members of the Oh-Lawd-Why-Am-I-Still-Single church group have gathered to complain about the slim pickings in their little town of Pelzer, South Carolina. They're determined to revamp their man-chasing tactics. And newcomer Birdie Tweet, the only Caucasian member of the group, may offer just the opportunity they're looking for . . .

At forty-two and nearly six feet tall, Birdie's love life has been as unpromising as the other women's until a recent phone call from a man she met two years before. Honey-colored and debonair, Lyon Lipps is an irresistible Afro-Latino hunk. Unbeknownst to Birdie, he's also a con artist who has seduced women of all ages, races, shapes, and sizes. Now he's found Jesus and wants to reconnect with good Sister Tweet.

But when Birdie passes around Lyon's photo, which is actually his mug shot, several in the group recognize him. Even their sorriest wallflower, Sister Petunia, has been blessed-and cursed-with his attentions. With each tale, Birdie's hopes for romance die, and her anger is resurrected . . .

The ladies devise a way to get payback from Lyon Lipps while improving their chances of meeting men at the same time. They're going cruising aboard the aptly named ship, Desperation of the Seas. And they're planning to trick Lyon into sailing along with them by making him the lucky "winner" of a free ticket.

Soon, they're sailing the high seas, riding a wave of bickering, betrayal, and unholy behavior, with plenty of laughs-and a fewgenuine revelations-along the way . . .
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What People Are Saying

Angela Benson
"Pat G'Orge-Walker has done it again! Cruisin' on Desperation is a winner! Using the one-of-a-kind humor that has made her the queen of gospel comedy, Ms. Walker pens a tale so funny that you'll fall out of your chair laughing, and so poignantly realistic that you'll wipe tears from your eyes...a must-read."--(Angela Benson, author of The Amen Sisters)
Stacy Hawkins Adams
"Page-turning laughs, a soul-stirring message, and characters you won't soon forget . . . after reading Pat G'Orge-Walker's Cruisin' on Desperation, your cruise through life and faith will never be the same."--(Stacy Hawkins Adams, author of Nothing But the Right Thing and Speak To My Heart)
Tia McCollors
"If laughter is supposed to be the best medicine, this book is a cure-all! You'll never look at cruising the same way again."--(Tia McCollors, author of Zora's Cry and A Heart of Devotion)
Zane
"Pat G'Orge-Walker continues to be one of my favorite writers of all time. Cruisin' on Desperation is full of fun-loving, unforgettable characters that readers will find themselves endeared to for years to come."--(Zane, New York Times Bestselling author and publisher of Strebor Books International)
Bern Nadette Stanis
"Pat G'Orge-Walker's Crusin' on Desperation is a full-blown cure for what ails you. Her book is filled with memorable characters that will long dance in your head and have you laughing a torrential rain of tears. Pat's artful style of storytelling is both joyful and genuine."--(Bern Nadette Stanis (Thelma of Good Times))
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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780758218865
  • Publisher: Kensington Publishing Corporation
  • Publication date: 4/1/2007
  • Pages: 288
  • Product dimensions: 6.26 (w) x 9.26 (h) x 1.08 (d)

Meet the Author

Pat G'Orge-Walker The First Lady of Gospel Comedy
Pat G'Orge (pronounced Gee-or-jay)-Walker is a former record industry veteran who has worked for several major labels including Epic, Def Jam, and Columbia. She has also performed with the legendary 60's girl group, Arlene Smith and the Chantels ("Maybe") as well as with gospel groups. In 2003, G'Orge-Walker released Sister Betty! God's Calling You, Again! to be directly followed by Mother Eternal Ann Everlastin's Dead in 2004. In between writing books and spending time with her husband Rob in their Long Island, New York home, Pat is busy touring the country performing her sold-out One Woman Sister Betty comedy show.
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Read an Excerpt

Cruisin' on Desperation


By Pat G'Orge-Walker

Dafina Books

Copyright © 2007 Pat G'Orge-Walker
All right reserved.

ISBN: 9780758218865


Chapter One

"Do you think this old gas-guzzling clunker can go a little faster?" Cill asked, impatient and loud as she leaned towards the steering wheel of the 1993 red Camry from her seat on the passenger side.

Cill and her childhood friend, Petunia, had just left the wedding reception for a fifty-year-old woman with an oversized glass eye, nicknamed Blind Betty.

Blind Betty had landed a wealthy real estate mogul who, for reasons no one could understand, had fallen deeply in love with her.

Cill and Petunia, along with some of the other single women at the reception, tried to be happy for Blind Betty but they couldn't. None of them had ever found a poor man who owned a bag of dirt, let alone a rich real estate mogul.

The single women sat around wearing plastered smiles, and had almost accepted Blind Betty's good fortune until it was time for her to toss a bouquet of colorful forget-me-nots. They'd swarmed out onto the floor kicking, pinching and screaming. Suddenly from out of nowhere, a twenty-something shapely woman with lemon-colored skin and an ebony, store-bought wig with its price tag showing, just happened to pass in front of the crowd of desperate crones. "Get out the way," someone from the crowd shouted at her. When the young woman, whose name was Miss Fitt, turned around, she accidentally caught the wedding bouquet with her French-manicured, claw-shaped nails.

The sight of those long nails ripping the colorful forget-me-nots to microscopic shreds brought a hush all over the place. Like the other single women, Cill and Petunia thought they'd lose their minds. However, when they saw the young woman toss the remains of the bouquet into a nearby garbage can as she screamed, "Ooh, I don't want this. I don't want to get married, ever," they wanted to strangle her shapely neck.

Going to jail for murder would certainly hamper their chances of marriage, so they decided to grab a few petals as souvenirs. With their heads held high, and a single tear rolling down their cheeks, they left with a scrap of dignity and a renewed vow not to remain alone or attend another wedding unless it was their own.

Petunia's old car lurched out of control as though it was trying to throw up its last little bit of gasoline. All the while its speedometer seemed to stand still, even as the steering wheel spun erratically. It clanked and inched down the right lane of Pelzer's Highway 29, while black smoke spewed out its muffler like smoke signals. Yet it was in better shape than the lives of its occupants.

Petunia pushed Cill's hands away. "Touch my steering wheel with those ashy paws, and I'll fight you like the man you want to be," she snapped as her sunglasses bobbed on the tip of her pointy nose. Petunia was skinny and banana-shaped, and she was just as pale, almost to the point of looking jaundiced. At the age of thirty-six, she was an on again and off again anorexic with breasts the size of acorn seeds. She stood about five foot nine and weighed about one hundred and five pounds, and that was only after gorging on a Happy Meal.

Cill took another glance over at Petunia and sucked her teeth as she pointed at her. "Girl, please. I'd love to see you fight me or anyone for that matter. As a matter of fact, stop tripping. You've never won a fight against anything, and from the looks of this puddle-hopper, certainly not the war on poverty."

Cill watched the steam escape from under Petunia's peach-colored, floppy hat. She laughed and then pulled her oversized, beige Apple cap further down over her doe-shaped, brown eyes. Cill wore a big Apple cap everywhere, and had even worn it to the wedding that day. The hat covered her micro-short dark hair, giving no clue as to her gender, despite a stubborn, long chin hair.

Cill and Petunia fought constantly and made up just as often. Arguing about how slow Petunia drove was the springboard for most of their arguments. Next was whether Cill truly wanted a man or just hung around the other women pretending she did. Those were the same arguments they'd had for the past several years on the first Saturday of the month, as they drove to the singles meeting.

"You just make sure that there's some padding in the backseat before we let Mother Blister sit down when I pick her up," Petunia said as she pointed to an old comforter balled up in the backseat.

Cill let her shoulders drop and shook her head. "I don't know why we always have to pick up that old woman to go everywhere," she mumbled as she reached over the headrest for the blanket. "I know for certain that they have free shuttle service from that seniors' home. She could use it if she wanted and stop inconveniencing us. And, you know good and well, she has a problem with her bladder. It just ain't sanitary to have her in the car with people that normally pee in toilets."

"You got a lot of nerve, Cill Lee," Petunia argued and rolled her eyes. "I only live a block away from Mother Blister, but I had to drive three miles from my house to pick you up and take you to a meeting that's right next door to you. I'm going out of my way because your car is in a shop that's on this side of town. So, who's an inconvenience?"

Petunia totally ignored the reference to Mother Blister's uncontrollable bladder. After all, she had the blanket in the back seat for that very reason.

"I'm your friend. We go way back like salt pork and collards," Cill answered as she again shook her head in annoyance and watched old folks on the sidewalk in their motorized wheelchairs speed past.

"Why don't you be a better friend and chip in for some gas?" Petunia asked. She knew Cill wouldn't do it but she still needed to remind her.

"Well, let me look in my pocket for a quarter. At the rate you're driving that's about all the gas you'll use."

Petunia was just about to lock horns again, but Cill spoke up too quick.

"Look, there she is in the front of her building standing under the awning," Cill said as she avoided Petunia's impending rebuke. "Have mercy, will you look at that old woman?" Cill was about to burst with laughter. "I wished she'd come to the wedding wearing that orange and red striped blouse and that maroon wool pleated skirt. She'd have made us look good."

Petunia, forever the cautious one when it came to the maintenance of her precious car, kept her eyes and mind on parking it, completely ignoring Cill. When Petunia was satisfied that she'd parked exactly twelve inches from the curve, she looked over at Mother Blister, and accidentally hit her mouth on the steering wheel when she leaned over. She almost chipped a tooth to keep from laughing, too.

"Lord, please don't let me be and look that crazy if I live to be that old." Petunia whispered the prayer, laughing as she did.

"We ask in your name, dear Father," Cill added as she crossed her chest and her fingers. She almost caught a cramp when she tried to cross her toes, too.

Mother Blister hadn't looked in their direction. Instead, the seventy-plus senior stood under her building's awning with a jar in her hand. At five foot nine, with a hefty frame, she looked like an overripe dark raisin with twice the wrinkles, bent almost in half like the letter C. Her entire body looked uneven when she stood.

As the blazing hot sun poured through the cracks in the awning's cover, she spooned fistfuls of sunscreen from the jar and smoothed it on her dark skin. But it was when she lifted her skirt, to dab a little on her knobby knees, that she spied Cill and Petunia. She dropped her skirt and waved to let them know she'd seen them.

"Look at her," Petunia said. She pointed towards the building's awning quickly so Mother Blister wouldn't see her as she approached. "She's one of the senior heads of our church's Mothers Board." She dropped her head again pretending not to laugh as her bony shoulders shivered. "That's too sad."

"Sad ain't exactly the word I'd say. Downright ridiculous is more like it," Cill chimed in as she suppressed another giggle. "Listen. Do you hear it?" she asked.

"Hear what?" Petunia asked. She turned her head from side to side while holding one of her ears.

"The sounds of snaps, crackles and pops," Cill answered while snapping her fingers. "Mother Blister was standing there broiling in that sun and sounding like a geriatric bowl of Rice Krispies. I can still hear the sounds echoing in the air."

"Hello, Mother Blister." Petunia stopped laughing long enough to call out as Mother Blister ambled towards the car. She opened her door and stepped out to give the woman more room to enter on the driver's side, when she finally reached there. "You're going straight to hell for that," she leaned back inside and whispered to Cill.

"How y'all doing, today?" Mother Blister asked as she finally arrived. She squeezed her hefty body into the back seat of Petunia's car, pushing aside the blanket Cill had carefully laid out.

"How was Blind Betty's wedding?" she asked, but didn't wait for an answer before continuing. "Forget about a wedding, I hope we get to the meeting on time, today," Mother Blister said as she finally found a comfortable spot, despite the concerned look from Petunia and the smile on Cill's face.

"Well, they can't have a singles meeting without all the most promising singles being present," Cill offered. "You do remember that we are going to discuss what other things we can do to meet our soul-mates, don't you?"

"You do remember that I've probably forgotten more about men than you've ever learned or will learn no matter how hard you try to be like one," Mother Blister snapped.

"I like keeping in touch with my masculine side. You gotta problem with yours?" Cill'd always liked tattoos and keeping folks guessing about her gender. She never questioned why. She just enjoyed the game.

Mother Blister was old, but not stupid. She knew Cill would always try to get an argument going with anyone she could. "Watch yourself, youngster," Mother Blister continued as she adjusted her false teeth as if she were going to take them out and use them on Cill.

For the rest of the ten-minute ride to Sister Need Sum's house, the three women alternated between arguing and apologizing. And, of course, Cill and Petunia had to give their edited version of Blind Betty's "fiasco of a wedding," as they called it.

And they were the sanest women in the Oh Lawd, Why Am I Still Single Club.

Chapter Two

It was Saturday morning and several sweat-stained gardeners were scattered throughout the Pelzer suburbs of the rich and wish-they-were rich population.

Most of the men were young, willing workers, and arrived in small trucks and multi-colored vans. Their well-toned bodies were tanned from the hot sun and dirty from the hard work of mowing lawns and spreading fertilizer. That morning they came prepared to prune and to plant.

Light testosterone whiffs of dripping sweat intermingled with the fragrance of jasmines and yellow lilac bushes that dotted the lawns of several plush homes. The homes of the rich and snooty residents of Hope Avenue were definitely not the homes of the single, but often desperation still came to visit.

As they pushed their roaring lawnmowers, the gardeners' sleeveless T-shirts clung to their bodies. Although the sight of the young men intimidated the well-dressed men struggling under the weight of their golf clubs, it wasn't enough to keep them from driving off in their luxury cars and leaving their wives behind.

Standing in the doorway with each hair in its place and nails polished to a shine, the left-behind wives leered at the workers. The sight of the promising young men caused the spoiled wives to daydream of slinging the golf clubs and their husbands over their shoulders, and depositing them at the curb.

A little farther away the intoxicating mixtures of flora and perspiration had wafted towards the corner and into one of the homes on Drudge Road. It was a house where an old flowery faded mat with the furrowed face of a winking cherub, resting lopsided on the front porch, welcomed visitors.

Townfolks always described Hope Avenue as looking "well-off." They said that Drudge Road just looked "far off."

Inside the small, cluttered wood-framed eyesore on the corner of Drudge and Hope avenues, where the smell of Icy Hot for back pain and Clairol plum hair dye was certain to attack a visitor's nose, lived Sister Need Sum. Her close friends called her Needy. Moreover, even those who didn't know her at all took one glance and called her that, too.

Needy leaned out of her narrow bedroom window with a chipped pair of binoculars and inhaled the morning air for the umpteenth time since awakening from a restless night. I'm long overdue for some pruning and planting, she sighed as she mentally tore off with her teeth the shirt of one of the young gardeners. With her free hand she began to fan furiously with a torn Aretha Franklin album cover. Her heart fluttered as her mind began to entertain fleshly thoughts that she'd thought she'd overcome at a recent prayer meeting.

Since she had her first kiss at the age of twenty-five, Needy struggled with issues of the flesh. "God's still working on this building," she always testified.

"Buenos diás, Carlos. Que pasa?" Needy shamelessly yelled across and up the street at one of the workers who came dangerously close. She prayed her voice rose above the constant high-pitched buzz of the hedge clippers. "Oh you fine, young thing," she muttered and then quickly looked skyward and added, "Lord, please forgive me for that flesh-ridden thought about what I'd love to do with that young man."

As happy as she was to see the bare chested young Spanish men flexing their toned and sun-kissed muscles, she was even happier to know that God would forgive her for her inappropriate thoughts. She knew this because she'd asked forgiveness far more times than she probably deserved.

Needy was in her late thirties, if she'd been telling the truth. Unlike most of her single friends, she owned her home. There was nothing outstanding about her one-story green and brown frame house except that it sat cushioned between two trailer homes that teetered precariously on whittled cinderblocks.

After a few minutes of inhaling as much air as she could without wheezing from the rag weed in her back yard, Needy shut her bedroom window and went towards the front of the house. Her huge head-wrap, a tattered dark linen towel spotted with hair dye, slowly began to unravel. She moved about as if she were trying to dodge flying objects as she quickly sprayed her living room with long misty streams of Old Spice cologne. The odor of Old Spice was as close to having a man in her home in the middle of the day as she'd been in the past year. And she was not happy about that fact at all.

Needy had barely finished spraying the room with the odor of false hope when the urgent sound of her doorbell clanged though her home.

"Hold your horses, I'm coming," she yelled, angrily, even though she knew her visitors couldn't hear her. She quickly looked at her wall clock and realized that her guests were almost thirty minutes early. She was annoyed but certainly wasn't surprised. Plotting to catch a man was serious business. Blind Betty's wedding had sent them into overdrive.

The six female club members had become a tight-knit group. They hung out together and even planned their vacations together. They all worked in the same area of town and they still checked in with each other at lunchtime, every day, just in case one of them caught more men than she could handle. That never happened, but they still clung to hope.

"Cill, Birdie and Mother Blister, come on in. How are you ladies today? Excuse the mess." Needy feigned surprise and the appropriate agitation as the women entered in various stages of desperation, decay, and annoyance into her living room. "Y'all have a seat. Is Petunia parking the car?"

"Yes, she's outside trying to find a suitable parking space for that mess on four wheels," Cill said, cheerfully. "We ran into Birdie while we were coming up the walkway."

"You look wonderful," Birdie said softly to Needy while giving her a quick peck on the cheek.

Needy returned the kiss, showing her appreciation for Birdie's thoughtfulness. "Y'all came earlier than I expected. I'll try to get dressed as fast as I can. After all, one can't rush perfection."

She put a little something extra on the perfection comment feeling that she most certainly had to look a lot better than the hot messes, with perhaps the exception of Birdie, she saw seated around her.

(Continues...)



Excerpted from Cruisin' on Desperation by Pat G'Orge-Walker Copyright © 2007 by Pat G'Orge-Walker. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
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Customer Reviews

Average Rating 3.5
( 11 )
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Sort by: Showing all of 11 Customer Reviews
  • Anonymous

    Posted March 23, 2007

    Waves of Hilarity

    Had a chance to review the Advance copy of this hilarious new offering from the Queen of Gospel Comedy. It seems that when the members of the Oh-Lawd-Why...singles group discover they'd been had by an ex-con they get together to give a little payback. They tricked him into going on a cruise..problem is..not all the members are on the same page and their hijinks are just hysterical. Toss into the mix a couple of old Church mothers complete with alzheimers and incontinence problems and the ship almost sinks. However, the author has cleverly mixed in the message of waiting on God and revenge never works...hopefully they'll turn this offering into a movie...

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted March 28, 2007

    Lord Help the Church Folks...!!

    Single, Yes no doubt! Saved? Is it possible? Surely they not satisfied. Meet the women of the Oh Lord, Why Am I Still Single Club in Pat G'orge Walker's 'Crusin on Desperation', a zany, foolish, not tongue talking, but tongue wagging sanctified in name only women. All hell bent on getting revenge on a man who wronged them all, Mr. Lyon Lipps. Thus it begins on the cruise ship 'Desperation of the Seas. You have to love the names of Walker's characters, each fitting their name to a tee tighter than a dress on a Sunday morning diva, like Ima Hellraiser and Mother Pray Onn who combined with other church members head on a sea of adventure, chaos and plain ole' church folks at their craziest. Led by Ima Hellraiser who would in my opinion change the scriptures if she could to 'vengence is Ima's and she will make him pay!'. You will laugh, shake your head and wonder if Walker had a secret camera in some of the 'sistah girl' singles meetings we all have attended. Walker not only manages to put a humorous light on the antics and mindset of plain church folks seeking to take matters in their own hands but shows how each character onboard experience at times have a rippling effect on those around them. It takes a skilled writer to bring humor to the heart, make one evaluate their own spiritual walk and relationships, as well open our eyes to world issues many push under the rug. Walker does a great job bringing them all today in this high seas adventure. Now prepare- put on your sunscreen, grab some lemonade and prepare to set sail on a great reading adventure.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted February 13, 2007

    EXCELLENT READ!!!!!!!!

    finished reading 'Cruisin' On Desperation' by Pat G'Orge Walker last night! There are few words to describe what she wrote! It was awesome! Funny! Entertaining! Enlighting! This was one of those books that have that reglious theme, but very funny. The characters she choose and the names were so unique and funny. When I first ran cross the name of the church and stuff, I was compeletly stunned. At first I was like, 'Is she serioius?' But She was and it was so funny! The things she had her characters do was so hiliarous. The extent that someone would go to! WOW! This is a great read! Make sure you get your copy!!!

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted September 17, 2010

    To Busy!!!!

    This book was to busy and never ending and never got to the point! I skipped several pages to get to the good part which was the end!

    0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted February 19, 2009

    more from this reviewer

    Sail 2 LOL land.

    This was a LOL, hold your sides, and roll on the floor adventure. If you enjoy laughing this is the novel 4 U. Enjoy the characters; you may even B familiar with some of them from your own zany group of friends. If U want 2 escape into the land of "crazy and wacky" this is the cruise to catch. A page-turner of great fun is in store 4 U with this one. LAUGH and Enjoy!

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    Posted May 10, 2011

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    Posted February 14, 2014

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    Posted August 3, 2011

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    Posted October 7, 2010

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