Daily Red Flag Jokes

Overview

DAILY RED FLAG JOKES is a result of situations that have had a major impact on my life. Most of the "Red Flags" are funny with a serious message that varies with the reader. They will provide hours of fun and conjecture. So laugh, think, be a blessing, and be blessed by them.

I feel that I am qualified to write this humorous book because God has given me the unique ability to tell a funny story in one sentence, commonly referred to as a "one liner." Many of the "Red Flags" in ...

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Overview

DAILY RED FLAG JOKES is a result of situations that have had a major impact on my life. Most of the "Red Flags" are funny with a serious message that varies with the reader. They will provide hours of fun and conjecture. So laugh, think, be a blessing, and be blessed by them.

I feel that I am qualified to write this humorous book because God has given me the unique ability to tell a funny story in one sentence, commonly referred to as a "one liner." Many of the "Red Flags" in this book are from personal experiences. It is impossible to laugh and think of your troubles at the same time. I think that if God had not given us laughter, life would be much more difficult and nearly impossible to bear.

I give people pleasure by making them laugh, but I receive even greater pleasure by hearing them laugh. I am a 62 year survivor of Drugs, and Rock and Roll. I have chosen to let God order my steps and to help as many people as possible during my time left on this earth. This book is one of several vehicles that God has given me to help achieve that goal.

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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9781450282512
  • Publisher: iUniverse, Incorporated
  • Publication date: 1/7/2011
  • Pages: 372
  • Product dimensions: 0.77 (w) x 8.00 (h) x 5.00 (d)

First Chapter

DAILY RED FLAG JOKES


By Colorado Banner

iUniverse, Inc.

Copyright © 2011 Colorado Banner
All right reserved.

ISBN: 978-1-4502-8251-2


Chapter One

JANUARY 2011

SAT. 1

IT MAY BE A RED FLAG WHEN THE LIONSHARE IN THE COMPANY THAT YOU HAVE DUMPED AN OBSCENE AMOUNT OF MONEY INTO TURNS OUT TO BE NO LARGER THAN A KITTY CAT.

www.redflagjoke.com

JANUARY 2011

SUN. 2

IT MAY BE A RED FLAG WHEN THE TOTAL ATTENDANCE OF YOUR CHURCH HAS DROPPED FROM FIVE HUNDRED T0 FIVE, AND THREE OF THEM ARE GOD.

JANUARY 2011

MON. 3

IT MAY BE A RED FLAG WHEN THE MAYOR AND HIS FAMILY PUSH PAST YOU IN LINE AT THE HOMELESS SHELTER.

JANUARY 2011

TUE. 4

IT MAY BE A RED FLAG WHEN YOUR AMERICAN CHILD IS BEING TAUGHT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE.

JANUARY 2011

WED. 5

IT MAY BE A RED FLAG WHEN YOU GET LESS GAS THAN YOU WANTED BECAUSE THE PRICE PER GALLON WENT UP WHILE YOU WERE WALKING BACK TO THE PUMP.

JANUARY 2011

THU. 6

IT MAY BE A RED FLAG WHEN YOU ROB FIVE BANKS AND CALL IT "GOING GREEN"

JANUARY 2011

FRI. 7

IT MAY BE A RED FLAG WHEN A WEALTHY MAN DIES AND LEAVES HIS CRACKHEAD NEPHEW A PAWNSHOP.

JANUARY 2011

SAT. 8

IT MAY BE A RED FLAG WHEN PRESIDENT OBAMA INVITES THE WIZ OF THE KKK OVER FOR A BEER.

JANUARY 2011

SUN. 9

IT MAY BE A RED FLAG WHEN SISTER LOVEJOY ASKS YOU TO FIX HER FAUCET AND MEETS YOU AT THE DOOR WITH A MARTINI IN EACH HAND.

JANUARY 2011

MON. 10

IT MAY BE A RED FLAG WHEN YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S BROTHER'S, UNCLE'S, WIFE'S, DAD'S, BOSS'S, COLLEGE BUDDY'S, BESTFRIEND'S, DAUGHTER'S TWO DAY OLD TWINS WERE JUST BORN WHEN I STARTED THIS SENTENCE.

JANUARY 2011

TUE. 11

IT MAY BE A RED FLAG WHEN A SIXTH GRADE STUDENT IS OLD ENOUGH TO VOTE. [JETHRO BODEEN]

JANUARY 2011

WED. 12

IT MAY BE A RED FLAG WHEN YOUR HOUSE LOOKS BETTER AFTER THE TORNADO HIT IT.

JANUARY 2011

THU. 13

IT MAY BE A RED FLAG WHEN YOU BUY A VACUUM CLEANER THAT SAYS IT RECYCLES DIRT.

JANUARY 2011

FRI. 14

IT MAY BE A RED FLAG WHEN HORSE MANURE IS MARKETED AS PERSONAL HUMAN REPELLANT.

JANUARY 2011

SAT. 15

IT MAY BE A RED FLAG WHEN THE DOCTOR AND HIS STAFF CANT STOP LAUGHING DURING YOUR PHYSICAL EXAM.

JANUARY 2011

SUN. 16

IT MAY BE A RED FLAG WHEN YOUR PASTORS CAR IS A $5 .................... FOOT LONGER THAN THE CHURCH BUS.

JANUARY 2011

MON. 17

IT MAY BE A RED FLAG WHEN YOUR LAWYER IS FLYING A SIGN IN FRONT OF THE COURT HOUSE THAT SAYS "WILL LIE FOR MONEY"

JANUARY 2011

TUE. 18

IT MAY BE A RED FLAG WHEN YOUR NEW JOB IS REPLACING A DEAD BULLET PROOF VEST TESTER.

JANUARY 2011

WED. 19

IT MAY BE A RED FLAG WHEN A GREAT MAN DIES A VIOLENT DEATH IN THE U.S WHILE PREACHING AND TEACHING NONVIOLENCE.

JANUARY 2011

THU. 20

IT MAY BE A RED FLAG WHEN YOU HAVE BEEN COURT ORDERED TO REGISTER YOUR MOUTH AS A LETHAL WEAPON.

JANUARY 2011

FRI. 21

IT MAY BE A RED FLAG WHEN YOUR DOCTOR HAS BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU FOR TWO DAYS TO TELL YOU THAT YOU ONLY HAVE 48 HRS. TO LIVE.

JANUARY 2011

SAT. 22

IT MAY BE A RED FLAG WHEN YOUR FINANCIAL ADVISOR IS AHEAD OF YOU IN THE CHECKOUT LINE USING A FOOD STAMP CARD.

JANUARY 2011

SUN. 23

IT MAY BE A RED FLAG WHEN YOUR CHURCH TAKES UP SO MANY OFFERINGS THAT YOU TAKE UP ONE FOR YOURSELF AND NOBODY NOTICES.

JANUARY 2011

MON. 24

IT MAY BE A RED FLAG WHEN YOUR TURN COMES TO PLAY RUSSIAN ROULETTE, THEY TOSS YOU AN UZI.

JANUARY 2011

TUE. 25

IT MAY BE A RED FLAG WHEN A POLICEMAN PUTS ON HIS BULLET PROOF VEST "AFTER" HE GETS HOME.

JANUARY 2011

WED. 26

IT MAY BE A RED FLAG WHEN THE QUEEN BEE MAKES THE WORKER BEES LEARN A NEW WORK SONG ENTITLED "I GOT MY MIND ON MY HONEY AND MY HONEY ON MY MIND"

JANUARY 2011

THU. 27

IT MAY BE A RED FLAG WHEN A BUTCHER SAYS "ITS STILL MOVING CAUSE YOU WANT IT FRESH."

JANUARY 2011

FRI. 28

IT MAY BE A RED FLAG WHEN #1 ON A LIST OF A MORTICIANS INSTRUCTIONS IS, "REMOVE ALL SIGNS OF LIFE"

JANUARY 2011

SAT. 29

IT MAY BE A RED FLAG WHEN A CONVENIENCE STORE HAS A $10 COVER CHARGE.

JANUARY 2011

SUN. 30

IT MAY BE A RED FLAG WHEN JESUS SAYS, "MY SHEEP WILL WAIT " "FEED YO KIDS!"

JANUARY 2011

MON. 31

IT MAY BE A RED FLAG WHEN A REALLY ROUGH BAR INSISTS ON A "TWO MURDER MINIMUM."

FEBRUARY 2011

TUE. 1

IT MAY BE A RED FLAG WHEN THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES GANGSTAS HAS A MOTTO OF "SYRUP IN AND BUTTER OUT"

www.redflagjoke.com

FEBRUARY 2011

WED. 2

IT MAY BE A RED FLAG WHEN YOUR NEIGHBOR THAT'S ALWAYS FIGHTING WITH HIS WIFE ASKS IF HE CAN BORROW A CUP OF POISON.

FEBRUARY 2011

THU. 3

IT MAY BE A RED FLAG WHEN THE PEOPLE AT YOUR FUNERAL ARE NOT CONCERNED ABOUT WHERE YOU WENT, THEY'RE JUST GLAD YOU DID.

FEBRUARY 2011

FRI. 4

IT MAY BE A RED FLAG WHEN THEY CHANGE THE NAME OF THE DOLLAR STORE TO "THE DOLLAR STORE YEAH RIGHT"

FEBRUARY 2011

SAT. 5

IT MAY BE A RED FLAG WHEN YOU TAKE YOUR BABY INTO A RESTROOM MARKED "FAMILY" AND FIND A GUY, HIS WIFE, AND MOTHER-IN- LAW PLAYING MONOPOLY.

FEBRUARY 2011

SUN. 6

IT MAY BE A RED FLAG WHEN "I PITY THE FOOL BAPTIST CHURCH" MEMBERS DON'T WANT TO GO TO HEAVEN BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL AFRAID TO FLY.

FEBRUARY 2011

MON. 7

IT MAY BE A RED FLAG WHEN A SIGN IN A RESTAURANT RESTROOM SAYS "OPTIONAL WASHING OF HANDS BY EMPLOYEES IS MANDATORY."

FEBRUARY 2011

TUE. 8

IT MAY BE A RED FLAG WHEN A POLICE DEPARTMENTS RESPONSE TO A CRIME IN PROGRESS IS TIMED ON A CALENDAR.

FEBRUARY 2011

WED. 9

IT MAY BE A RED FLAG WHEN THE CUSTOMERS YOU SERVE THINK THAT "TIP" IS THE WAY THEY SHOULD WALK WHEN LEAVING YOUR TABLE WITHOUT ONE.

FEBRUARY 2011

THU. 10

IT MAY BE A RED FLAG WHEN A BANK TELLER HAS NOT RETURNED AFTER 3 DAYS FROM A ONE HR. LUNCH.

FEBRUARY 2011

FRI. 11

IT MAY BE A RED FLAG WHEN THE DRIVER IN YOUR CAR POOL PULLS UP TO A TRAFFIC LIGHT AND ASK YOU WHAT COLOR IT IS.

FEBRUARY 2011

SAT. 12

IT MAY BE A RED FLAG WHEN THE RAISINS IN YOUR OATMEAL WEREN'T THERE A MINUTE AGO.

FEBRUARY 2011

SUN. 13

IT MAY BE A RED FLAG WHEN YOUR PASTORS DIAMOND RING IS SO BIG THAT THE USHER GIVES YOU A PAIR OF DARK GLASSES AND A SEEING EYE DOG AT THE DOOR.

FEBRUARY 2011

MON. 14

IT MAY BE A RED FLAG WHEN A MAN PLEADS NOT GUILTY TO A CHARGE OF INDECENT EXPOSURE FOR MOONING THE POPE BECAUSE HE SAYS IT WAS A "WARDROBE MALFUNCTION."

FEBRUARY 2011

TUE. 15

IT MAY BE A RED FLAG WHEN AS A RESULT OF THE DECISION BY THE U.S. TO IMPORT CHICKENS FROM MEXICO, THE REPUBLICAN PARTY IS CONSIDERING USING AS THEIR NEXT PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN SLOGAN, "SOME POT IN EVERY CHICKEN."

(Continues...)



Excerpted from DAILY RED FLAG JOKES by Colorado Banner Copyright © 2011 by Colorado Banner. Excerpted by permission of iUniverse, Inc.. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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