Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships

( 60 )

Overview

The renowned classic and New York Times bestseller

Anger is something we feel. It exists for a reason and always deserves our respect and attention. We all have a right to everything we feel—and certainly our anger is no exception.

"Anger is a signal and one worth listening to," writes Dr. Harriet Lerner in her renowned classic that has transformed the lives of millions of readers. While anger deserves our attention and respect, women still learn to silence our anger, to deny it...

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Overview

The renowned classic and New York Times bestseller

Anger is something we feel. It exists for a reason and always deserves our respect and attention. We all have a right to everything we feel—and certainly our anger is no exception.

"Anger is a signal and one worth listening to," writes Dr. Harriet Lerner in her renowned classic that has transformed the lives of millions of readers. While anger deserves our attention and respect, women still learn to silence our anger, to deny it entirely, or to vent it in a way that leaves us feeling helpless and powerless. In this engaging and eminently wise book, Dr. Lerner teaches both women and men to identify the true sources of anger and to use it as a powerful vehicle for creating lasting change.

For decades, this book has helped millions of readers learn how to turn their anger into a constructive force for reshaping their lives. With a new introduction by the author, The Dance of Anger is ready to lead the next generation.

An insightful and prescriptive guide that shows women how to turn anger into a constructive force for reshaping their lives.

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Editorial Reviews

Peggy Papp
“Of all the books that have been written about the personal relationships of women and what to do about them, this is the most sound. Like a family heirloom, it can be passed from generation to generation as it is based on profound and lasting truths.”
Library Journal
In these two programs listeners are encouraged to recognize that anger and fear invite the individual to practice self-care without blaming or shaming others. Yet, when in the grip of these emotions, people often react in ways that perpetuate the situations that first triggered them. Lerner explains how to recognize this behavior, evaluate consequences, and make changes if desired. In both books she stresses that solutions are found only when individuals focus on and make changes in themselves-not when they try to control or change others. In Dance of Anger, the author offers more solid examples of why women react with self-defeating behaviors when they are angry. In Fear, she describes how to recognize the differences among fear, anxiety, and shame but offers fewer specific strategies to deal with them. Lerner reads both works adequately, but she lacks the polish of a professional narrator. Dance of Anger is highly recommended for self-help collections; Fear is an optional purchase.-Kathleen Sullivan, Phoenix P.L. Copyright 2005 Reed Business Information.
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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780062319043
  • Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
  • Publication date: 3/25/2014
  • Edition description: Reprint
  • Pages: 256
  • Sales rank: 50,489
  • Product dimensions: 5.31 (w) x 8.00 (h) x 0.57 (d)

Meet the Author

Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., is one of our nation’s most loved and respected relationship experts. Renowned for her work on the psychology of women and family relationships, she served as a staff psychologist at the Menninger Clinic for more than two decades. A distinguished lecturer, workshop leader, and psychotherapist, she is the author of The Dance of Anger and other bestselling books. She is also, with her sister, an award-winning children's book writer. She and her husband are therapists in Lawrence, Kansas, and have two sons.

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Read an Excerpt

Chapter One



The Challenge of Anger



Anger is a signal, and one worth listening to. Our anger may be a message that we are being hurt, that our rights are being violated, that our needs or wants are not being adequately met, or simply that something is not right. Our anger may tell us that we are not addressing an important emotional issue in our lives, or that too much of our self--our beliefs, values, desires, or ambitions--is being compromised in a relationship. Our anger may be a signal that we are doing more and giving more than we can comfortably do or give. Or our anger may warn us that others are doing too much for us, at the expense of our own competence and growth. Just as physical pain tells us to take our hand off the hot stove, the pain of our anger preserves the very integrity of our self. Our anger can motivate us to say "no" to the ways in which we are defined by others and "yes" to the dictates of our inner self.

Women, however, have long been discouraged from the awareness and forthright expression of anger. Sugar and spice are the ingredients from which we are made. We are the nurturers, the soothers, the peacemakers, and the steadiers of rocked boats. It is our job to please, protect, and placate the world. We may hold relationships in place as if our lives depended on it.

Women who openly express anger at men are especially suspect. Even when society is sympathetic to our goals of equality, we all know that "those angry women" turn everybody off. Unlike our male heroes, who fight and even die for what they believe in, women may be condemned for waging a bloodless and humane revolution for their ownrights. The direct expression of anger, especially at men, makes us unladylike, unfeminine, unmaternal, sexually unattractive, or, more recently, "strident." Even our language condemns such women as "shrews," "witches," "bitches," "hags," "nags," "man-haters," and "castrators." They are unloving and unlovable. They are devoid of femininity. Certainly, you do not wish to become one of them. It is an interesting sidelight that our language--created and codified by men--does not have one unflattering term to describe men who vent their anger at women. Even such epithets as "bastard" and "son of a bitch" do not condemn the man but place the blame on a woman--his mother!

The taboos against our feeling and expressing anger are so powerful that even knowing when we are angry is not a simple matter. When a woman shows her anger, she is likely to be dismissed as irrational or worse. At a professional conference I attended recently, a young doctor presented a paper about battered women. She shared many new and exciting ideas and conveyed a deep and personal involvement in her subject. In the middle of her presentation, a wellknown psychiatrist who was seated behind me got up to leave. As he stood, he turned to the man next to him and made his diagnostic pronouncement: "Now, that is a very, angry woman." That was that! The fact that he detected--or thought he detected--an angry tone to her voice disqualified not only what she had to say but also who she was. Because the very possibility that we are angry often meets with rejection and disapproval from others, it is no wonder that it is hard for us to know, let alone admit, that we are angry.

Why are angry women so threatening to others? If we are guilty, depressed, or self-doubting, we stay in place. We do not take action except against our own selves and we are unlikely to be agents of personal and social change. In contrast, angry women may change and challenge the lives of us all, as witnessed by the past decade of feminism. And change is an anxiety-arousing and difficult business for everyone, including those of us who are actively pushing for it.

Thus, we too learn to fear our own anger, not only because it brings about the disapproval of others, but also because it signals the necessity for change. We may begin to ask ourselves questions that serve to block or invalidate our own experience of anger: "Is my anger legitimate?" "Do I have a right to be angry?" "What's the use of my getting angry?" "What good will it do?" These questions can be excellent ways of silencing ourselves and shutting off our anger.

Let us question these questions. Anger is neither legitimate nor illegitimate, meaningful nor pointless. Anger simply is. To ask, "Is my anger legitimate?" is similar to asking, "Do I have a right to be thirsty? After all, I just had a, glass of water fifteen minutes ago. Surely my thirst is not legitimate. And besides, what's the point of getting thirsty when I can't get anything to drink now, anyway?"

Anger is something we feel. It exists for a reason and always deserves our respect and attention. Weall have a right to everything we feel--and certainly our anger is no exception.

There are questions about anger, however, that may be helpful to ask ourselves: "What am I really angry about?" "What is the problem, and whose problem is it?" "How can I sort out who is responsible for what?" "How can I learn to express my anger in a way that will not leave me feeling helpless and powerless?" "When I'm angry, how can I clearly communicate my position without becoming defensive or attacking?" "What risks and losses might I face if I become clearer and more assertive?" "If getting angry is not working for me, what can I do differently?" These are questions. that we will be addressing in subsequent chapters, with the goal, not of getting rid of our anger or doubting its validity, but of gaining greater clarity about its sources and then learning to take a new and different action on our own behalf.

The Dance of Anger. Copyright © by Harriet Lerner. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.
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Table of Contents

Preface ix
Acknowledgments xiii
1 The Challenge of Anger 1
2 Old Moves, New Moves, and Countermoves 17
3 Circular Dances in Couples: When Getting Angry Is Getting Nowhere 41
4 Anger at our Impossible Mothers: The Story of Maggie 67
5 Using Anger as a Guide: The Road to a Clearer Self 88
6 Up and Down the Generations: Katy and Her Aging Father 108
7 Who's Responsible for What: The Trickiest Anger Question 122
8 Thinking in Threes: Stepping Out of Family Triangles 154
9 Tasks for the Daring and Courageous 189
Epilogue: Beyond Self-Help 222
Notes 225
Index 233
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First Chapter

The Dance of Anger
A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships
Chapter One



The Challenge of Anger



Anger is a signal, and one worth listening to. Our anger may be a message that we are being hurt, that our rights are being violated, that our needs or wants are not being adequately met, or simply that something is not right. Our anger may tell us that we are not addressing an important emotional issue in our lives, or that too much of our self--our beliefs, values, desires, or ambitions--is being compromised in a relationship. Our anger may be a signal that we are doing more and giving more than we can comfortably do or give. Or our anger may warn us that others are doing too much for us, at the expense of our own competence and growth. Just as physical pain tells us to take our hand off the hot stove, the pain of our anger preserves the very integrity of our self. Our anger can motivate us to say "no" to the ways in which we are defined by others and "yes" to the dictates of our inner self.

Women, however, have long been discouraged from the awareness and forthright expression of anger. Sugar and spice are the ingredients from which we are made. We are the nurturers, the soothers, the peacemakers, and the steadiers of rocked boats. It is our job to please, protect, and placate the world. We may hold relationships in place as if our lives depended on it.

Women who openly express anger at men are especially suspect. Even when society is sympathetic to our goals of equality, we all know that "those angry women" turn everybody off. Unlike our male heroes, who fight and even die for what they believe in, women may be condemned for waging a bloodless and humane revolution for their own rights. The direct expression of anger, especially at men, makes us unladylike, unfeminine, unmaternal, sexually unattractive, or, more recently, "strident." Even our language condemns such women as "shrews," "witches," "bitches," "hags," "nags," "man-haters," and "castrators." They are unloving and unlovable. They are devoid of femininity. Certainly, you do not wish to become one of them. It is an interesting sidelight that our language--created and codified by men--does not have one unflattering term to describe men who vent their anger at women. Even such epithets as "bastard" and "son of a bitch" do not condemn the man but place the blame on a woman--his mother!

The taboos against our feeling and expressing anger are so powerful that even knowing when we are angry is not a simple matter. When a woman shows her anger, she is likely to be dismissed as irrational or worse. At a professional conference I attended recently, a young doctor presented a paper about battered women. She shared many new and exciting ideas and conveyed a deep and personal involvement in her subject. In the middle of her presentation, a wellknown psychiatrist who was seated behind me got up to leave. As he stood, he turned to the man next to him and made his diagnostic pronouncement: "Now, that is a very, angry woman." That was that! The fact that he detected--or thought he detected--an angry tone to her voice disqualified not only what she had to say but also who she was. Because the very possibility that we are angry often meets with rejection and disapproval from others, it is no wonder that it is hard for us to know, let alone admit, that we are angry.

Why are angry women so threatening to others? If we are guilty, depressed, or self-doubting, we stay in place. We do not take action except against our own selves and we are unlikely to be agents of personal and social change. In contrast, angry women may change and challenge the lives of us all, as witnessed by the past decade of feminism. And change is an anxiety-arousing and difficult business for everyone, including those of us who are actively pushing for it.

Thus, we too learn to fear our own anger, not only because it brings about the disapproval of others, but also because it signals the necessity for change. We may begin to ask ourselves questions that serve to block or invalidate our own experience of anger: "Is my anger legitimate?" "Do I have a right to be angry?" "What's the use of my getting angry?" "What good will it do?" These questions can be excellent ways of silencing ourselves and shutting off our anger.

Let us question these questions. Anger is neither legitimate nor illegitimate, meaningful nor pointless. Anger simply is. To ask, "Is my anger legitimate?" is similar to asking, "Do I have a right to be thirsty? After all, I just had a, glass of water fifteen minutes ago. Surely my thirst is not legitimate. And besides, what's the point of getting thirsty when I can't get anything to drink now, anyway?"

Anger is something we feel. It exists for a reason and always deserves our respect and attention. Weall have a right to everything we feel--and certainly our anger is no exception.

There are questions about anger, however, that may be helpful to ask ourselves: "What am I really angry about?" "What is the problem, and whose problem is it?" "How can I sort out who is responsible for what?" "How can I learn to express my anger in a way that will not leave me feeling helpless and powerless?" "When I'm angry, how can I clearly communicate my position without becoming defensive or attacking?" "What risks and losses might I face if I become clearer and more assertive?" "If getting angry is not working for me, what can I do differently?" These are questions. that we will be addressing in subsequent chapters, with the goal, not of getting rid of our anger or doubting its validity, but of gaining greater clarity about its sources and then learning to take a new and different action on our own behalf.

The Dance of Anger
A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships
. Copyright © by Harriet Lerner. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.
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Reading Group Guide

Plot Summary
Women have long been discouraged from discussing anger. We are the nurturers, the soothers, the peacemakers, the steadiers of rocked boats. We learn to fear our anger, because it not only brings about the disapproval of others but also signals the necessity for change.

The taboos against expressing anger are so powerful that we may not even know when we are angry. Or we may vent anger in a way that leaves us feeling helpless and powerless ensuring that change does not occur. Or we may wrap feelings of guilt and self-blame around ourselves like an old familiar blanket. Many of us feel guilty if we are anything less than an emotional service station to others.

The Dance of Anger shows readers how to identify the actual sources of anger and to use anger as a tool for change. Lerner illustrates how getting angry gets nowhere if we do not identify and change our own part in the pattern.

Questions for Discussion
1. What are the forces from family and culture that encourage us to deny our own legitimate anger? Why is women's anger threatening to others and ourselves?

2. What are the typical ways we manage anger (for example, venting, distancing, blaming) that don't work for us over the long haul? Discuss case examples from the book that illustrate "anger gone wrong" and see what you learn from them.

3. Discuss the following concepts and themes that are illustrated by case examples in The Dance of Anger. Move from the examples in the book to examples in your own life.

  • Emotional pursuer-- emotional distancer (Chapter 3)
  • Anger at our mothers (Chapter 4)
  • Triangles (Chapter 8)

Remember, there are important "howto" lessons contained in each woman's story throughout the book. A group situation is an ideal place to connect these with your own life and formulate new steps to move differently in relationships.

Quotes for Discussion

"Anger is a signal and one worth listening to." (Page 1)

"Those of us who are locked into ineffective expressions of anger suffer as deeply as those of us who dare not get angry at all." (Page 5)

"It is not just anger and fighting that we learn to fear; we avoid asking precise questions and making clear statements when we unconsciously suspect that doing so would expose our differences, make the other person feel uncomfortable, and leave us standing alone." (Page 93)

About the Author: Harriet Lerner Ph.D., is an internationally acclaimed expert on the psychology of women and family relationships. She is a staff psychologist and psychotherapist at the Menninger Clinic and a distinguished lecturer, consultant, and workshop leader. She has a monthly column in New Woman magazine. Her latest book is The Mother Dance: How Children Change Your Life

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Customer Reviews

Average Rating 4
( 60 )
Rating Distribution

5 Star

(35)

4 Star

(6)

3 Star

(7)

2 Star

(5)

1 Star

(7)

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See All Sort by: Showing 1 – 20 of 61 Customer Reviews
  • Anonymous

    Posted June 15, 2009

    I would highly recommend this book to anyone who has to deal with someone in their life who is constantly angry. It change my life on how to respond to the anger.

    This book changed my life. I have a grasp on how to respond to negative people. I don't engage in the dance of argument. I just say "I" know that you are upset, but "I" don't like it when to speak to me that way. They
    don't know what to say back and "I" have difused the argument. Once you
    learn how to put "I" first, then you are ahead of the argument. Try it.
    It really worked for me.

    5 out of 5 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted April 10, 2008

    THIS BOOK CHANGED MY LIFE

    I read this book many years ago when it was recommended by a therapist. I immediately knew it was going to help me. I read it again and again thru the years....sometimes start to finish....sometimes sections I knew I needed that day. I recommend it to everyone. The simplest yet most difficult truth to absorb....you can only change yourself!

    5 out of 5 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted March 21, 2011

    Recommended for High Schoolers and beyond

    I read this book my senior year of high school (about 6 years ago) an it really helped me be a better girlfriend, daughter, and sister. I even used it as a reference in a communications class the following year. I was constantly lashing out at the people I loved most (not my acquaintances) and saying what I said just to hurt them, not to prove a point. Now I feel like I can better deal with my emotions and help the people I love instead of hurting them with words or silence. It doesn't tell you to bury the hurt but instead express it to your person in a more healthy way. I would definitely recommend this book to anyone who wants to develop a healthy pattern of expressing hurt in their most important relationships.

    4 out of 4 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Posted July 11, 2009

    more from this reviewer

    a great book

    I have read this book and listened to it on tape a number of times. I recommend it to my clients, and not just women. It is very helpful in negotiating difficulties with relationships and difficult relationships. Lerner provides insight and helpful steps to hold on to yourself while keeping the relationship intact.

    4 out of 4 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted March 9, 2006

    A must read book for every women

    This book was fabulous and it is great one of showing of we women fell into a dance pattern and never get what we want - without realizing that we can ultimately control the dance by changing the steps and better for us longterm

    4 out of 4 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted November 21, 2004

    Fabulous book

    This book really hit home for me. It's almost as if this book was written just for me. I read the book straight through - I couldn't put it down. I have learned so much about myself and how I deal with anger. This is a must-read book for every woman!

    4 out of 5 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Posted January 25, 2010

    more from this reviewer

    I Also Recommend:

    A "Must Read" for Men too!

    Don't let the title fool you. While this book may be written from a woman's perspective, it contains some very insightful material regardless of who you are. I am a mature male adult who was raised by a strong independent single parent - my mother. Perhaps that is the reason why I personally identified with most of the content contained in "The Dance of Anger". In any event, I would honestly say that this book has made a positive impact on my life and that I am looking forward to reading it again.

    3 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted April 17, 2012

    Highly recommend

    This book was first published in 1985. I read it
    First in the 80s and now just recently read it
    Again. It is a great book...for men and women
    It is great to see ur pattern of anger and
    Learn to develop healthier ways to handle
    Ur responses. A must read for women
    And men.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted December 31, 2011

    highly recommended by male

    This book works for men also. This book was invaluable for me as I am a male in a long term relationship who has allowed himself to be dominated by a female. Then I read The Art of Love by Erich Fromm, and oh boy, what a difference two books can make.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Posted October 6, 2010

    I would recommend this book to any one who has anger problems

    I was givin the's book 19 year's ago by a tharepist. I read it then, and it help'd with a bad marreg, I thou it away along time ago, and now I have bought the book, because I have other anger problems, with my famliy, its an on going anger problem I face every time I trun around, I find that I still need to remind myself that the fight of anger never ends, you just have to keep working on it, just when you think you know it all from reading the dance of anger you find, years later, you need help with other relationship problems, so we go back and reread it all over again, and it never hurts to reread a very good, and helpful book like the dance of anger, I am going to buy more of her books, because this is not the only problems I have, and I'm looking forward to reading them to for help. I want to thank Harriet Lerner, and others that help her put these books together for us to learn.

    1 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted March 13, 2010

    The Dance of Anger

    I found this book quite good... did open my eyes to myself and family connections.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted September 6, 2009

    Very insightful

    This book is right on..........excellent read and extremely helpful.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Posted May 16, 2009

    Nothing New

    This book does not offer any further insight into understanding anger and how it affects relationships than what has already been written and widely circulated for years. It was an okay read, but no new information was garnered from it.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Posted May 5, 2009

    more from this reviewer

    I felt it was written for me!!

    This is one of those books everyone should read.... men included! I am looking forward to practice what I learned, I'm sure it will be very helpful. Don't miss it!

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted July 16, 2013

    Sean

    Mmmmmmkay

    0 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted July 15, 2013

    Trent

    He leans on the wall.

    0 out of 5 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted July 15, 2013

    Lavey to bree

    Im always bi.

    0 out of 4 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted October 17, 2013

    Bree

    Anyone ever here

    0 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted July 17, 2013

    Sylvie

    *Trudges in.*

    0 out of 5 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted July 1, 2013

    To Ryder

    Your slave is waiting

    0 out of 4 people found this review helpful.

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