The Darwin Awards II: Unnatural Selection

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Overview

The Darwin Awards II: Unnatural Selection brings together a fresh collection of the hapless, the heedless, and the just plain foolhardy among us.  Salute the owner of an equipment training school who demonstrates the dangers of driving a forklift by failing to survive the filming of his own safety video. Gawk at the couple who go to sleep on a sloping roof. Witness the shepherd who leaves his rifle unsecured—only to be accidentally shot by one of his own flock.

With over ...

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Overview

The Darwin Awards II: Unnatural Selection brings together a fresh collection of the hapless, the heedless, and the just plain foolhardy among us.  Salute the owner of an equipment training school who demonstrates the dangers of driving a forklift by failing to survive the filming of his own safety video. Gawk at the couple who go to sleep on a sloping roof. Witness the shepherd who leaves his rifle unsecured—only to be accidentally shot by one of his own flock.

With over one hundred Darwin Award Winners, Honorable Mentions, and debunked Urban Legends, plus science and safety tips for avoiding the scythe of natural selection, The Darwin Awards II proves once again how uncommon common sense can be.

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Editorial Reviews

From Barnes & Noble
This hilarious book is packed with more than 100 new stories of foolhardy fatalities, plus a few honorable mentions to pay tribute those who didn't quite make it to the afterlife. The Darwin Awards, honoring those who have managed to die as a result of their lack of common sense, have become a major phenomenon, both on the hugely popular web site and now in a bestselling series of books. Unnatural Selection is morbidly entertaining, and definitely educational -- for those who weren't aware that juggling live grenades might kill you, that is.
Library Journal
Darwin humor? It seemed to work in the first volume, which spent five months on the New York Times best sellers list. Copyright 2001 Cahners Business Information.
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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780452284012
  • Publisher: Penguin Group (USA) Incorporated
  • Publication date: 3/25/2003
  • Edition description: Reprint
  • Pages: 256
  • Sales rank: 699,626
  • Product dimensions: 5.34 (w) x 7.30 (h) x 0.72 (d)

Meet the Author


A graduate of UC Berkeley with a degree in molecular biology, Wendy Northcutt began collecting the stories that make up the Darwin Awards in 1993. Her award-winning Web site www.DarwinAwards.com is one of the most popular humor pages on the Web. The Darwin Awards have been profiled in USA Today, The Wall Street Journal, Entertainment Weekly, and on NPR’s All Things Considered. Wendy is the author of the international bestsellers The Darwin Awards: Evolution in Action, The Darwin Awards 2: Unnatural Selection, and The Darwin Awards 3: Survival of the Fittest.
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Read an Excerpt

Chapter One

Penance:
Seven Deadly Sins

The tree of life is self-pruning.

Religions have long waged war against the seven deadly sins. Here's proof that evolution is fighting the same battle. Lust, vanity, gluttony, greed, sloth, envy, and wrath: all are fatal when carried to excess. From sensual skunk play to the vanity of amateur liposuction, indulgence in the deadly vices leads to trouble.

Discussion: Kismet, Karma, Destiny

Are you superstitious?

    We enjoy believing in abstract balancing principles. There ought to be a force that gives each what he's earned, call it kismet, karma, or destiny. And yet we also believe in the opposite—lucky slot machines and winning streaks. Don't you sometimes walk around a ladder, or kiss your exam paper for good luck? Superstitious beliefs are imbedded in our personalities.

    The Darwin Awards celebrate another sort of religion—that of final justice according to the divine laws of nature. Darwin winners suffer a practical form of karma. They prove our theory that if you don't use your head to enhance your survival, you'll be fingered by the impartial hand of fate.

    There is a solid basis for the "religion" of the Darwin Awards: Charles Darwin's theory of natural selection. In a single lifetime one finds ample proof that natural selection leads to evolution. We've seen evolution happen before our very eyes. Broccoli, dog breeds, nectarines, and modern corn all resulted from random mutations combined with natural (or artificial) selection.

    Weeds provide an example of evolution happening in your own front lawn.

    Dandelions are ubiquitous and very difficult to eliminate.

    A handful of wild dandelion seeds will grow into adults of assorted heights, which scatter their seeds far and wide to begin the process again. But weekly lawn mowing schedules are a new selective pressure! We created a new environmental hazard for dandelions. And they rose, or rather shrunk, to meet the challenge.

    Regular cutting of lawns selects for very short dandelions, ones that hug the ground too closely to be slashed by mower blades, and send up flowers that seed within days to avoid the reaper's scythe. A new short dandelion variant is branching off the general dandelion population. Over time the lawn dandelions may well diverge from the wild dandelions, increasingly specialized for the modern lawn environment, and a new species—the lawnlion?—will dawn.

    Because examples of natural selection are easy to come by, the "religion" of the Darwin Awards stands on firm scientific footing. The interesting and powerful mechanism of natural selection is a blindly omniscient tool to increase the long-term survival of the human race—and provide a measure of immortality to comfort our transient personal existence.

    The stories that follow show the Darwinian repercussions to those who ignore religious strictures, and indulge in the seven deadly sins.

Darwin Award: Vanity
Liposuction Tragedy

Unconfirmed by Darwin

September 1999, New York

David, a forty-four-year-old Mineola man, was more desperate to be rid of his flab than most. Why not save money and allow his friend to perform amateur liposuction on him in his garage? As you might guess, using a vacuum for liposuction is not the safest of weight loss programs. David died in the makeshift medical clinic, the victim of a lidocaine overdose. Anyone foolish enough to lie back and take the medical ministrations of a unlicensed liposuctionist in his garage workshop deserves to win a Darwin for heedless vanity.

    The fake physician apologized to the man's family.

Reference: Associated Press

• More vacuum peril: Fantastic Plastic Lover, page 88

"I don't think, therefore I am not."

Darwin Award: Vanity
Perilous Pose

Unconfirmed by Darwin

September 2000, Germany

The picturesque medieval city of Rothenburg was recently the scene of a dramatic artistic effort. A fifty-three-year-old man from Baden-Würtemberg was posing nude in front of his camera, balanced atop a stone wall, when he lost his balance and fell sixteen feet to the ground below. Unlike its erstwhile owner, the camera remained safely settled on the tripod on the wall, and police plan to develop the film for clues to the man's death. Darwin anticipates that this story will stand as a testament to the self-pruning nature of the tree of life.

Reference: Ananova.com

• Another poorly framed photograph: Enraged Elephant, page 30

Darwin Award: Wrath
Throwing Stones

Confirmed by Darwin

11 October 2000, Samaria

The violent unrest in the Middle East has created a new Darwin Award winner. Three friends went to the Eli junction to enjoy a favorite activity: throwing stones at passing cars. They scored on a truck, then one walked into the street, stones in hand, to attack a passing car. The driver tried to swerve away from the man, lost control of his vehicle, and overturned, killing the stone thrower and severely injuring himself. Judea and Samaria district police jointly determined that the accidental crash was caused by the stone-throwing young men.

    Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

Reference: Ha'aretz, Itim

• Throwing snowballs: Snowball's Chance in Hell, page 73

Darwin Award: Greed
Crystal Daze

2000, Mexico Confirmed by Darwin

Chihuahua, Mexico, is home to two hot caverns containing the largest natural crystals known to man. "Walking into either of these caves is like stepping into a sweltering, gigantic geode," described one awed observer. Some of the clear crystals of selenite are over twenty feet long.

    The newly discovered caverns buried twelve hundred feet below the surface of the earth carry a curse for those who seek to plunder their riches. A man recently tried to steal one of the magnificent crystals from the roof, and might have succeeded if he hadn't stood directly beneath it while chopping it free. He was crushed by the sparkling stalactite as it heeded the call of gravity.

Reference: Discovery Channel News

• Another thief thwarted by a natural force:
Ferguson 2, Thieves 0, page 162

"To be or not to be ..."

Darwin Award: Sloth
Sleepfalling

Confirmed by Darwin

19 June 1999, Amsterdam

On a warm summer night in the Netherlands, an Italian resident who had picked up the habit of sleeping in the open air during sweltering Mediterranean summer nights decided to bed down on the roof. He climbed to the top of his apartment and arranged a comfortable bed, but paid little heed to the slope of the roof. Perhaps the night would have ended more happily if he had tucked himself in securely. Instead he fell asleep on top of his blanket, rolled down the incline, and plunged to his death.

Reference: Mobile Alabama Press Register

• Another fateful snooze: Sheep Sleep, page 116

A high IQ doesn't make up for
a lack of common sense.

Darwin Award: Envy
Flames of Passion

Confirmed by Darwin

17 November 1999, Germany

Germany's image as a peaceful utopia has been tarnished by an acrimonious divorce. After bitter legal proceedings, Uwe of Brandenburg found that he had lost everything but his lederhosen knickerbockers. Among other possessions, the settlement demanded that Uwe turn over ownership of his house to his newly estranged wife.

    Enraged by his wife's unmitigated legal victory, the forty-year-old man decided to follow the sage advice of an obscure German proverb: "If life gives you lemons, burn them."

    Descending into the basement with his trusty drill, Uwe proceeded to bore several holes into a rather large oil tank. He then set fire to the fuel as it poured in erratic streams onto the floor. To his delight, the entire basement was engulfed in flames within seconds.

    His joy turned to ashes, however, when he realized that he was now in the middle of a Hindenburg-sized house fire. Despite a valiant effort to save himself, Uwe died in the flames of his own vengeance. His wife got the last laugh.

Reference: Düsseldorf Express

• More revenge gone wrong: Aircraft Airhead, page 35

Darwin Award: Envy
Moscow Marauder

Confirmed by Darwin

8 September 2000, Russia

A man who threatened to "deal with" his wife and her lover, instead dealt with himself in a revenge attempt gone wrong. He blew himself up with a homemade bomb in the far eastern Russian city of Khabarovsk. The device exploded when the man tried to attach it to the door of the lovers' not-so-secret apartment boudoir.

Reference: Reuters, Tass

• More men playing with bombs: Shell Shot, page 133

Darwin Award: Gluttony
Ethanol Schmethanol

Unconfirmed by Darwin

May 2001, England

We'll soon find out if I'm a scientist or not!
I'll drop a pellet of the compound I created
into this test tube ...

— Stan Lee's Spiderman, November 1963

With those murmured words, a Russian professor quaffed an aliquot of clear fluid from a beaker ... and slowly succumbed to alcohol poisoning. The Oxford University professor had been in the habit of drinking laboratory ethanol, until he unwittingly poured his last drink from a bottle of methanol.

    According to Usenet scientists, methanol is a common lab solvent that looks and smells like ethanol but is "five times as toxic and five times less intoxicating." Those who drink it invariably drink too much.

    The forty-four-year-old professor of ecology was said to have had poor vision, and probably misread the label.

Reference: solstice.crest.org, London Telegraph

• A gopher's experience with mind-altering substances:
Revenge of the Gopher, page 203

The line between genius and stupidity is very fine.

Honorable Mention: Gluttony
Men Eating Chili

Unconfirmed by Darwin

May 1999, Philippines

Three men attempting to land in the Guinness Book of World Records were hospitalized in Legaspi after eating excessive amounts of chili peppers. They were treated for acute gastritis and high blood pressure, and released with a warning to moderate their intake.

Reference: UPI, The Star

• Another try for the Guinness Book of World Records: Rubbish, page 31

• Another serious case of indigestion: The Last Supper, page 199

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Table of Contents

Introduction: What Are They? 1
What Are They? 2
Rules and Eligibility 3
Darwin's Theory of Evolution 6
Surviving Stupidity 8
Where Do Darwins Come From? 9
Chapter 1 Penance: Seven Deadly Sins 11
Discussion: Kismet, Karma, Destiny 12
Darwin Award: Vanity: Liposuction Tragedy 14
Darwin Award: Vanity: Perilous Pose 15
Darwin Award: Wrath: Throwing Stones 16
Darwin Award: Greed: Crystal Daze 17
Darwin Award: Sloth: Sleepfalling 18
Darwin Award: Envy: Flames of Passion 19
Darwin Award: Envy: Moscow Marauder 20
Darwin Award: Gluttony: Ethanol Schmethanol 21
Honorable Mention: Gluttony: Men Eating Chili 22
Personal Account: Lust: Emergency Room Excitement 23
Chapter 2 Women: Femme Fatalities 25
Discussion: Civilization Memes 26
Darwin Award: Fast Food Fatality 29
Darwin Award: Enraged Elephant 30
Darwin Award: Rubbish! 31
Darwin Award: Christmas Tree 32
Darwin Award: Testing Faith 33
Darwin Award: That Sinking Feeling 34
Honorable Mention: Aircraft Airhead 35
Darwin Award: Fatal Footwear Fashion 36
Honorable Mention: Explosive Mix of Girls 37
Honorable Mention: Snow Bunnies 38
Honorable Mention: Dumb Drunk 39
Personal Account: Eat the Young 40
Personal Account: Brush with Stupidity 41
Chapter 3 Water: All Washed Up 43
Discussion: Weed Seeds and Biodiversity 44
Darwin Award: Fishing with No Compass 46
Darwin Award: Duct Tape 47
Darwin Award: Dodging Drink Dues 48
Darwin Award: Walking on Water 49
Darwin Award: Dive to Death 50
Darwin Award: Passionate Plunge 51
Darwin Award: Show-Off 52
Honorable Mention: All Aboard 53
Honorable Mention: Sewer Shower 54
Urban Legend: Brewery Mishap 55
Chapter 4 Technology: Engines of Destruction 57
Discussion: Car Safety 58
Darwin Award: Do It Yourself, Do Yourself In 61
Darwin Award: Two Avalanche Alaskan 63
Darwin Award: Forklift Safety Video 65
Darwin Award: Electrifying Stunt 66
Darwin Award: Intersecting Darwins 67
Darwin Award: Power Punch Proves Fatal 68
Darwin Award: Scooter Snuff 69
Darwin Award: Circular Reasoning 70
Darwin Award: Sweet Release 71
Darwin Award: Snowball's Chance in Hell 73
Darwin Award: Sand Surfing 74
Honorable Mention: House Hunting Gone Awry 75
Honorable Mention: Coors Light and the UltraLight 76
Urban Legend: Mad Trombonist 77
Personal Account: Robot Reaper 79
Personal Account: Prop Arc Safety 80
Personal Account: Miracle Mile 81
Chapter 5 Men: Male-functions 83
Discussion: Online Safety 84
Darwin Award: Rappin' on Heaven's Door 87
Darwin Award: Fantastic Plastic Lover 88
Darwin Award: Bulletproof? 89
Darwin Award: New Dating Technique 90
Darwin Award: God Saves? 91
Darwin Award: Settle the Score 92
Darwin Award: Hardheads 93
Darwin Award: Ur-inate-iot 94
Darwin Award: A Fell Death 95
Honorable Mention: Cheez Whiz 96
Honorable Mention: Trash Compactor 98
Honorable Mention: Archery Practice 99
Honorable Mention: Tied to His Work 100
Honorable Mention: Chicken with a Train 101
Honorable Mention: Toilet Trap 102
Urban Legend: The Bricklayer 103
Personal Account: Tourist Trap 105
Personal Account: Tube Snake 107
Chapter 6 Animals: Pall of the Wild 109
Discussion: Dogs and Darwinism 110
Darwin Award: Hornet Challenge 114
Darwin Award: Fish Gag 115
Darwin Award: Sheep Sleep 116
Honorable Mention: Doggone Foot 117
Urban Legend: Cactus Tales 118
Personal Account: Polar Bear Lesson 121
Personal Account: Feeding the Dolphins 122
Personal Account: Horsing Around 123
Urban Legend: Lobster Vasectomy 124
Chapter 7 Explosions: Out with a Bang! 125
Discussion: Intelligent Design Theory 126
Darwin Award: Out with a Bang! 129
Darwin Award: Grenade Juggler 131
Darwin Award: Fireworks Fiasco 132
Darwin Award: Shell Shot 133
Darwin Award: Guitars 'n' Guns 134
Honorable Mention: Kaboom! 135
Honorable Mention: Plane Stupid 136
Urban Legend: Fifteen Minutes of Flame 137
Personal Account: A Medieval Tale 139
Personal Account: Workin' on the Railroad 141
Personal Account: Man and Cactus 142
Personal Account: Man with Gas Can 143
Personal Account: Instant Sunrise 145
Chapter 8 Outlaws: Crime and Punishment 149
Discussion: City Living 150
Darwin Award: Human Popsicle 152
Darwin Award: Ski Theft Backfires 154
Darwin Award: Escaping Conviction 155
Darwin Award: Killing Time 156
Darwin Award: Just Say No! 158
Darwin Award: Stab in the Dark 159
Darwin Award: You Said a Mouthful 160
Honorable Mention: The Sting 161
Honorable Mention: Ferguson 2, Thieves 0 162
Honorable Mention: Morsel of Evidence 163
Honorable Mention: Call Girl 164
Honorable Mention: Bodacious Bud 165
Honorable Mention: Siphon! 166
Honorable Mention: Planning Ahead 167
Honorable Mention: Sobriety Test 168
Personal Account: Medical Misadventures 169
Chapter 9 Disqualified: Losing Is Its Own Reward 173
Not a Darwin: Do Bikes Float? 174
Not a Darwin: Underwire Bras Deadly 175
Not a Darwin: Texas A&M Bonfire 176
Not a Darwin: Body Canyoning 178
Not a Darwin: Our Brightest Cheerleaders 180
Not a Darwin: Fatal Case of Hiccups 181
Not a Darwin: Ice Floe Frolic 182
Not a Darwin: Shotgun Pepsi 184
Not a Darwin: Mania Strikes Back 186
Chapter 10 Classic Dozen: Better Read than Dead 189
Discussion: Speciation 190
Darwin Award: JATO 193
Darwin Award: Junk Food Junkie 195
Darwin Award: Midnight Special 196
Darwin Award: Wrong Time, Wrong Place 197
Darwin Award: Count Your Chickens 198
Darwin Award: The Last Supper 199
Honorable Mention: Lawnchair Larry 200
Honorable Mention: Revenge of the Gopher 203
Urban Legend: Frog Giggin' Accident 204
Urban Legend: Metallica Concert Misadventure 205
Urban Legend: Scuba Divers and Forest Fires 208
Urban Legend: Dog and Jeep 210
Appendices 213
1. Website Biography 213
2. Author Biography 215
3. Forum Decorum 216
4. Godwin's Law 221
Story Index 222
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Customer Reviews

Average Rating 3.5
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Sort by: Showing all of 7 Customer Reviews
  • Anonymous

    Posted November 25, 2007

    A reviewer

    The Darwin Awards is a creative concept, but I'm not sure this book is written all that well or in that funny of a manner. I haven't read the other books in this series, so I can't compare it with them, but I didn't get that many laughs out of this one. And heck, maybe there's something wrong with you if you are getting laughs out of other people dying, whether they're dangling from a hanglider with a chainsaw in hand or what have you. I will say that some of the anecdotes are pretty funny, but the humor seemed a bit hit or miss.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted December 15, 2003

    HE-LAIR-IUS!

    This book is filled with funny,stupid, or just plain ironic stories that are sure to make you laugh! This is a great gift I got it for my birthday and been reading it alot. Very funny and a great gift.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted October 29, 2001

    Recent Follies as Documented Gallows Humor

    If you liked The Darwin Awards, you will find this book to be another winner. Like The Darwin Awards, let me note that if you do not find witless death and mutilation humorous, avoid this book. Three of the mutilation examples have a sexual context and are pretty gross. If you find fatal and grisly mishaps funny, you will enjoy the book greatly. In fact, this has to be the best articulated book ever written about stupid ways to die and lose fertility. Anyone will feel smarter and better about themselves after reading these stories! This book is about people 'removing themselves from the gene pool in sublimely idiotic fashion' in ¿true accidental blunders.¿ The incidents involve ways that people ¿unthinkingly engineer their own downfalls, oblivious to warning signs that the rest of us automatically heed.¿ The book's premise is very well framed to put you in a humorous mood. The idea is that when people do stupid things that get them killed or keep them from having children, they thus perform a service by improving the gene pool for the remaining humans. Ms. Northcutt uses many witty essays and quotes to emphasize this point, and establishes the mood well. She has rules for these awards. To win the Darwin Award, you must (1) die or be unable to procreate after the incident, (2) show ¿an astounding misapplication of common sense,¿ (3) cause your own downfall, (4) have the ability to use sound judgment (are not too young or permanently mentally impaired) and (5) have the incident verified by someone else. If you don't meet all these tests, you can still get an honorable mention, or be described as an urban legend or a personal account. I thought these distinctions made good sense, because the story's focus and credibility weighs heavily on the interest it creates for the reader drawn to this subject. In an improvement over The Darwin Awards, Ms. Northcutt has shared feedback from her readers challenging the veracity of various urban legends, personal accounts, and honorable mentions. As a result, this book is tighter than The Darwin Awards. In another improvement, the stories much more carefully document the victim¿s involvement with illegal drugs and alcohol than in The Darwin Awards. In this way, the cautionary lesson about using these substances is brought home more correctly The stories are grouped around themes: violating the seven deadly sins, women as the genetically removed party, water misadventures, problems with technology, men acting macho, misadventures with animals, explosions, and criminal capers. There is also a chapter on stories that do not qualify, and a dozen of the all-time favorites of on-line readers. Here are a few of my favorite stories: The woman who pretended to have been robbed in her fast food restaurant, and died of hypothermia in the cooler pretending to be immobilized . . . even though she could have walked out at any time before she lost consciousness. The man who jumped off every bridge crossing a river, including a drop of 70 feet into 3 feet of water . . . without checking the depth in advance. The man who wanted to lift off in his lawn chair a few feet into the air with helium-filled weather balloons, and ended up at 16,000 feet along the air lanes into Los Angeles International airport. The heavy man who decided to save money on liposuction by having his neighbor who was not a doctor do the operation in his house. He died of an overdose of lidocaine. The construction workers who cut a hole in heavy concrete 100 feet up around the spot they were standing on. The man who killed himself operating a forklift unsafely while taping a safety video. The woman who drove her car into a canal and called 911 on her cell phone. Told that she should lower the windows or open the door and get out, she refused . . . hoping the water would stay out. She forgot that a back window was open, and drowned. The man who looked down the rocket la

    0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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    Posted December 28, 2012

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