Dead and Dateless (Dead-End Dating Series #2)

Dead and Dateless (Dead-End Dating Series #2)

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by Kimberly Raye

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The sassiest vampire in all of Manhattan, Lil Marchette, is the owner of Dead End Dating–a matchmaking service for hip, intelligent singles like herself. After only three months, business is booming, and she can finally pay her bills (or, more important, feed a hungry cosmetics addiction). But when one of her…  See more details below



The sassiest vampire in all of Manhattan, Lil Marchette, is the owner of Dead End Dating–a matchmaking service for hip, intelligent singles like herself. After only three months, business is booming, and she can finally pay her bills (or, more important, feed a hungry cosmetics addiction). But when one of her clients turns up dead (as in never coming back), Lil is named as the prime suspect.

Sure, she’s a vampire, but she can’t even work up her nerve when it comes to blood-sucking. Hacking somebody to pieces is so out of the question.

To make matters worse, Lil must also contend with a pack of werewolves who ask–no, demand–that she find each one a tall, dark, and handsome mate before the next full moon. Plus, the to-die-for-if-I wasn’t-already-dead Ty Bonner, a lusciously sexy lover but totally unsuitable eternity mate, is never far from her midnight fantasies. But Lil has no time for such thoughts. She must prove her innocence and focus on pairing off the dead and the furry–and maybe stake a claim to her own tasty true love.

“Kimberly Raye is hot, hot, hot!”
–Vicki Lewis Thompson, author of Nerds Like It Hot

From the Paperback edition.

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Product Details

Random House Publishing Group
Publication date:
Dead-End Dating Series , #2
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Random House
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“I need a man.” The attractive woman sitting across the desk from me leaned forward.

Her name was Viola Hamilton and she was the latest client to come walking into the small but well-furnished office that housed my latest business venture—Dead End Dating, Manhattan’s first and only hook-up service for vampires. And humans. And any other creature who could fork over my pricey (but well worth every red cent) fee.

I’m the Countess Lilliana Arrabella Guinevere du Marchette. Lil for short. The latest and greatest when it comes to matchmakers, and a five-hundred-year-old born vampire with an ever-expanding wardrobe and a serious cosmetics addiction.

Okay, okay. I’m a five-hundred-year-old born vampire with an ever-expanding wardrobe, a serious cosmetics addiction, and enough outstanding Visa charges to fund a small third-world country.

But enough about the ever-fantabulous me.

“Actually,” Viola went on, “I need twenty-seven men, to be exact. Tall, dark, handsome, smart. Preferably human. But with only two weeks until the full moon, I’m willing to negotiate on that last point.”

Viola had long, dark hair, jet black eyes, and lips slicked with Chanel’s Crimson Dream. She wore a black Gucci jacket and matching slacks. A Cartier watch with a diamond band glittered from her slender wrist. She was president of the Connecticut chapter of the Naked and Unashamed Nudist Sisterhood, aka the NUNS, aka a group of female werewolves who met weekly at her Fairfield estate.

She was also the reason my father had nearly decapitated himself with a pair of hedge clippers last weekend. My old man detested thick, overgrown bushes almost as much as he did female werewolves, and so he religiously trimmed the azaleas that separated the two estates. Viola, on the other hand, detested short, puny vegetation and snobby, pretentious born vampires, and so she religiously put up a fight.

I, on the other hand, welcomed any and everyone with my arms wide, my mind open, and my deposit slip ready.

A smile spread across my face as I mentally calculated what twenty-seven men (preferably human) meant in terms of outstanding credit card payments.

“So can you help me?”

“That depends,” I heard myself say. Wait a second. I knew Viola could fork over the cash. I should be shouting “Yes!” After all, I’m a born vampire: the PC term for unconscionable, pompous, money-hungry, bloodsucking aristocrat.

“On what?”

“On what you’re going to do with twenty-seven men.” Okay, so I’m not exactly PC. Sure, I can be as pompous as any ancient born vampere. I am most certainly money-hungry. I’d also recently fallen off the wagon on the bloodsucking part (I’d been going for the bottled stuff up until a few weeks ago when I’d been staked in the shoulder and nursed back to health by a megalicious made vampire named Ty Bonner). And I am also an aristocrat (French royalty and all that). It was the unconscionable part that I had trouble with. “I’m a matchmaker, not a personal chef.”

Viola smiled, revealing a row of straight, white teeth. “We’re not going to eat them, dear. We’re going to have sex with them.” She stubbed out her cigarette in the small crystal ashtray on the corner of my desk. “And procreate. Female werewolves only ovulate during a lunar eclipse, which means we get one, maybe two shots a year to actually conceive, if any at all. Last year, we got nada. Since we females carry the actual were-gene, we can mate with any creature and still produce a were-baby. We NUNS feel a social responsibility to keep our race as pure as possible and so we prefer humans. That way we don’t have to worry about any otherworldly genes mixing in with our own.”

Okay, so I already knew this. Not firsthand, mind you. While I am now a hot, hip, happening vampire, I was raised in a very sheltered environment. Most of my friends were born vamps and so I’d never actually talked (for more than a few minutes) to a real werewolf. Until now. Of course, I am as educated as the next born vamp, and so I’d learned all about sexuality and the various species early on. But hearing it told by a holier-than-thou vampere tutor named Jacques whose lesson had been extremely brief (other creatures weren’t deemed worthy of our precious time) and hearing it straight from Viola (complete with details) were two very different things. She spoke from actual experience.

“How can you keep the race pure if you mate with a human?”

A get real look slid over her beautiful face. “Come now, dear. They’re humans. Our superior DNA obviously outranks their extremely weak genes, resulting in a pure were-child.”

Obviously. “Why not a male werewolf? Wouldn’t that be the ideal? Surely a double shot of were DNA would really kick ass?”

“Do you know twenty-seven available male werewolves?”

“Um, not at the moment.”

“Neither do we. There are a total of fifty-two members of our organization, nearly half of whom have mates and don’t need your services. I’m here on behalf of the single, uncommitted, aging NUNS. Unlike you vamps, we only have a small window for procreation. Fifty years, to be exact. Desperation always makes one less choosy. Besides, male werewolves are bossy and overbearing and extremely territorial. You have their child and bam, they’re ready to pee on every tree in your front yard. While I wouldn’t mind it if I found the right male werewolf, I haven’t and I seriously doubt I’m going to in the next two weeks.”

“Why not just go to a sperm bank?”

“We only ovulate during an actual sexual encounter. Our reproductive system requires a barrage of stimuli. One can’t kiss or touch or nibble a turkey baster, dear.”

“I see your point.”

“We have only one requirement for a human partner: He can’t be a wimp. Forget those sensitive, quiet, thoughtful, equal opportunity types that are all the rage these days. We need old-fashioned men who are blatantly physical and very domineering. Werewolves are a very aggressive race and wimpy men simply don’t stimulate us sexually. The more turned on we are, the more likely we are to conceive.”

“Alpha males only,” I told her. “Got it.”

“Wonderful.” Viola smiled and opened her Christian Dior clutch. “I’ll write you a check for the first half of the fee. The second is payable once everyone is matched up?”

“That’s the Dead End Dating policy.” As of this very moment, that is. I usually asked for a third up front, but if Viola wanted to dish out half, who was I to argue details?

Accommodate. That was my motto.

At least, it was right up there with Shop ’Til You Drop.

I was just about to reach across the desk and kiss this month’s bills good-bye when the intercom buzzed.

“Lil?” Evie Dalton’s voice floated over the line.

Evie was my devoted assistant. She had great taste in belts, lived for the latest MAC lip gloss, and could spot a fake Fendi at twenty paces. Had I been a lesbian human instead of a heterosexual born vampire with a screaming biological clock, I would have married her on the spot.

“I know you’re with a client,” she went on, “but could you come out here?”

“Give me just a second.” My fingers closed around Viola’s check.

“It’s really important.”

“So is this.” I stared at the five-figure sum the female werewolf had scribbled in.

While it wasn’t my ultimate fantasy (me plus the megalicious Ty Bonner plus this cute little number I’d spotted over at La Perla equaled dreamo supremo), it was certainly a windfall to a struggling entrepreneur.

“There are some, uh, men here to see you,” Evie said.

“If Brad Pitt isn’t one of them, they can wait.” I smiled at Viola, slid her payment into my top drawer, and turned toward my laptop. “Let me just get you a receipt and—”

“They’re not really into waiting.”

“They’ll have to make an exception.” I punched the off button. The light blinked and the intercom buzzed again, but I ignored it.

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Dead and Dateless (Dead-End Dating Series #2) 4.3 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 22 reviews.
Lynz_in_Love More than 1 year ago
For a while now I have been looking for a good vampire series that's not to intense like the Blackdagger Brotherhood Series but more light-hearted and funny (more like the Undead Series). Well, I'm here to tell you that I've hit my mark. If you love MJD's undead series, then you're going to love this (or at least I hope you do). This series is about an unusual girl vampire (blond of course) that's into caring about others vs. actually being a vampire. In the first book she opens her own dating service called Dead End Dating (start there first) and helps discover the identity of a mass murderer. Now that her business is catching on, Lil is framed for murder and must escape the cops before she is thrown in jail. To her rescue comes Ty Bonner her much lusted-after bounty hunter friend. Oh and did I mention that she has an over-bearing mother that is continuously trying to marry her off to the first born vampire that catches Lil's eye or that her parents live next to a werewolf whom is constantly fighting with her dad. This combination of character's lead to light, easy read which satisfies the vampire fix while tickling your funny-bone.
mistystockton More than 1 year ago
Those book are one of the best ive read
harstan More than 1 year ago
Lil Marchette doesn¿t have the superiority complex, the arrogance or the aristocratic attitude of a born vampire. While her mother wishes she would find a born eternity mate and have babies, Lil is more interested in getting her business Dead End Dating up and running. She caters to vamps, born and made, shifters and other worldly beings that want to date.--------------- At present she is trying to find twenty-eight alpha males to mate with female weres who are only fertile during a lunar eclipse. She is also trying to figure out who would be a good candidate to date a female were Chihuahua. During the height of the busy season, the police arrive with an arrest warrant. Using her vamp powers she escapes their clutches and seeks help from made vampire Ty, a sexy bounty hunter. Through his contacts they find out Lil is accused of killing a male client and the cops have overwhelming proof including her DNA. Ty thinks someone who hates her is framing her but Lil doesn¿t think she has an enemy in the world. While he tries to find the real killer, Lil is fighting him to let her out of his sight so she can conduct business and get away from the sexual attraction that threatens her resolve to make it with a potential born eternity mate.-------------------- Fans of MaryJanice Davidson and Erin McCarthy will definitely want to read this light hearted vampire paranormal tale that has elements from the romance and chick lit subgenres. Lil is a strong woman who doesn¿t take much seriously but what she does care about she gives it her full attention. Ty is a cipher wrapped up in an enigma meaning he is the typical alpha stud who communicates on a primitive level. Readers will thoroughly enjoy this second book in Kimberly Raye¿s trilogy------------------ Harriet Klausner
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Guest More than 1 year ago
I have not read 'Dead End Dating' yet, but from the reading this one you can be sure I will. This was great. Funny and witty I could not wait to see how it would end. I got to get the first and can not wait for the next one coming out 'Your Coffin or Mine?' Must read if you like funny, charming, witty and exciting books.