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Deceived: Facing Sexual Betrayal, Lies, and Secrets

Overview

Pornography, cybersex, prostitutes, voyeurism, multiply affairs. No matter the "drug" of choice, men who act out sexually leave their partners reeling in fear, rage, incredible shame, and isolation. Deceived was written expressly to help these women better understand what is happening in their lives, garner validation for their experiences, and find a path that offers clarity, direction, and voice.

Best-selling author Claudia Black guides readers to understand aspects of their ...

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Deceived: Facing Sexual Betrayal Lies and Secrets

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Overview

Pornography, cybersex, prostitutes, voyeurism, multiply affairs. No matter the "drug" of choice, men who act out sexually leave their partners reeling in fear, rage, incredible shame, and isolation. Deceived was written expressly to help these women better understand what is happening in their lives, garner validation for their experiences, and find a path that offers clarity, direction, and voice.

Best-selling author Claudia Black guides readers to understand aspects of their personal histories that have led them to be in relationships plagued by sexual betrayal, and reveals how their partner's behavior can be as addictive as a drug. Black then outlines proactive steps that readers can take to build healthier relationships and take care of themselves, illustrated by accounts of real women who have done so successfully. She teaches women how to:

  • Set nonnegotiable boundaries in order to heighten their security during this vulnerable period
  • Avoid preoccupation with their problems
  • Make positive changes for themselves and their partners

With Deceived, women will learn to honor themselves by making choices derived from esteem and integrity. In the end, they will have the ability to proactively emerge from emotional isolation, shed secrets and shame, and discover their power.

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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9781592856985
  • Publisher: Hazelden Publishing
  • Publication date: 2/20/2009
  • Pages: 272
  • Sales rank: 407,981
  • Product dimensions: 5.90 (w) x 8.90 (h) x 0.70 (d)

Meet the Author

Claudia Black has worked in the field of addictive disorders for over thirty years. Her work is seminal to the underpinnings of the codependency and trauma field. She was a pioneer in working with children from alcoholic homes and establishing the need for treating not just the addicted person, but the entire family. Claudia's workshops, training seminars and professional consultation services are presented worldwide. Working with sex addiction specialist and pioneer Patrick Carnes for six years, Claudia expanded her work with families and facilitated groups with women whose male partners' were acting out with sexually compulsive behaviors. Deceived is Black's fourteenth book. She is best known for her book, It Will Never Happen To Me with over two million copies sold to date. Today Claudia resides in the Pacific Northwest with her husband Jack and their two dogs, Quinn and Katie.
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Table of Contents

Preface xi

Acknowledgments xiii

Introduction xv

Chapter One You Are Not Alone 1

Meet the Women of the Lodge 4

Therese 4

Vanessa 7

Jacque 10

Sara 15

Maite 19

Jenny 24

Moving On to Your Journey 27

Reflective Thoughts and Questions 29

Chapter Two In the Face of Truth 31

Denial: Protecting the Illusion 33

Fear and Manipulation 37

Denying, Minimizing, and Rationalizing 39

Preoccupation 42

Control 43

Image Management 45

Distorted Anger 48

Rage 48

Sideways Anger 50

Anger Avoidance 52

Chronic Grief and Loss 53

The Body Knows 56

The Impact of Stress 57

Stress and Serious Illness 59

Reflective Thoughts and Questions 62

Chapter Three His Behavior Is Not About You 63

The Addiction 64

The Behaviors 66

The Science of Addiction 68

The Addictive Cycle 69

Why Am I Not Enough? 73

Multiple Addictions 74

Depression and Anxiety 79

Reflective Thoughts and Questions 82

Chapter Four You Didn't Get Here by Accident 83

Abandonment 84

The Coaddict: Trauma Repetition 85

Sexual Messages 94

The Addict: Reenacting the Wound 98

Shared Codependency 102

Compartmentalizing 106

Reflective Thoughts and Questions 109

Chapter Five Learning the News 111

Disclosure 114

The Dribbling Effect 118

After Disclosure 120

Getting Tested for STDs 121

Being Sexual After Disclosure 123

Should I Stay or Should I Leave? 124

Making the Decision 126

Therapeutic Separation 128

Am I Crazy to Love Him? 131

Reflective Thoughts and Questions 132

Chapter Six What Do You Tell Your Children? 133

Children's Reactions 134

Rationale for Disclosure to Children 137

Appropriate Age 138

Healthy Disclosure 139

A Soft Approachto Disclosure 142

A Direct Approach to Disclosure 144

Recognizing the Complexity 145

Answering Their Questions 146

Ongoing Healing 148

Beyond Disclosure 149

Reflective Thoughts and Questions 152

Chapter Seven Your Time to Heal 153

Overcoming the Fear of Feelings 154

Recognizing Yourself in the Grief Process 157

How Long Will It Hurt? 160

Accepting Powerlessness and Recognizing Unmanageability 162

Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries 166

Saying No, Saying Yes 169

Early Recovery Boundaries 170

Freeing Yourself from the Mental Frenzy 172

Building Trust 174

Your Sexual Relationship 176

Facing Relapse 179

Asking for Help 181

Reflective Thoughts and Questions 186

Chapter Eight Finding Your Serenity 187

Forgiveness 187

False Forgiveness 188

Forgiveness and Recovery 189

Self-forgiveness 195

Spirituality: Where Is Your God? 197

The Spiritual Path 202

Reflective Thoughts and Questions 206

Chapter Nine The Women of the Lodge 207

Therese 208

Vanessa 210

Maite 215

Jacque 218

Jenny 222

Sara 226

The Invitation 229

Reflective Thoughts and Questions 232

Recommended Readings 233

Helpful Resources 237

Notes 241

About the Author 245

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