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DATING HORRORSCOPES: Dismal astrological predictions to help manage the expectations of the newly back-on-the-market dater.
AQUARIUS: JANUARY 20–FEBRUARY 17
The planets are shifting in your favor, and you’re in the power seat . . . for about a day. The Twenty-first. So don’t sleep through it. The rest of the month you have no control over your love life whatsoever. You will fall for a string of men who just want to be friends, lose ten pounds, gain twelve, and contemplate lesbianism. Hang on though. By the end of the month, a relationship you have questions about will become even less clear.
PISCES: FEBRUARY 18–MARCH 19
This month is going to be a roller coaster, Pisces, so keep your hands in the car! You will meet an exciting new man on the Third, but find out he has a girlfriend. Another sexy stranger will come into your life on the Tenth (not as sexy as the first guy, but this one is at least available) and you will share an incredible night of passion, then he won’t call you ever again. Sorry.
ARIES: MARCH 20–APRIL 19
Mercury (the planet of communication) turns retrograde the last two weeks of the month, so good luck to you! This is the perfect time to lay low. Read a book. Take up knitting. Any attempts at romance will end in disaster, but that doesn’t stop you! Jupiter in Leo magnifies your parents’ fear that you will never marry.
TAURUS: APRIL 20–MAY 20
Get ready! Your job is about to get much more demanding, especially near the full moon of the Twenty-first, which is good, because it will take your mind off the Breakup. Be aware that your superiors are under a lot of pressure, so they might be less tolerant of sobbing during work hours. Likewise, the phone sessions with your therapist might no longer be considered a valid reason to miss a meeting. Venus in Scorpio means all eyes are on you—so this is a good time to stop stealing office supplies. (Yes, Kleenex boxes are considered office supplies.)
GEMINI: MAY 21–JUNE 20
Take some risks this month. Although not risks like you took last month. You should always use a condom. But you know, some small risks, like asking out that guy you always see at the gym. He will turn out to be gay, but at least you put yourself out there. The Twenty-first is a good time to make changes, like switching to a different gym, or city.
CANCER: JUNE 21–JULY 22
This month your personal life is entering a happier chapter, but that’s not saying much, because you have been a mess! The Thai delivery guy knows your order by heart. Your friends are starting to screen your calls. Your therapist checks her watch a little too frequently. Maybe it’s time to stop wallowing in the past and look ahead to the future. Chin up! Once Venus is in Scorpio, Ben and Jerry’s is coming out with a new flavor.
LEO: JULY 23–AUGUST 22
Travel brings new insights and sharpens your perspective. For example, you discover that in Guatemala you’re considered a hot-tie. You will have a whirlwind romance with an international man of mystery, but since Mercury is in retrograde, the real mystery is . . . what the hell did you see in this guy? No time for questions—the full moon has Leos cohabitating. It’s a miserable experience, but worth it when your ex hears Paolo’s voice on your answering machine!
VIRGO: AUGUST 23–SEPTEMBER 22
Romance gets more complicated once Venus enters Scorpio on the Seventh, because after three months of sleeping together, you can no longer pretend you’re just looking for “closure” with your ex. The planets are sorry to sound preachy, but closure is good-bye. Closure is a garage sale of his things. Closure is not late night booty calls spent rummaging through his bathroom for signs of another woman.
LIBRA: SEPTEMBER 23–OCTOBER 22
Your planets turn fickle this month. Pluto can’t decide if you should live happily ever after or die alone. This thought might keep you up at night. You will be troubled by that whole “bird in the hand” thing and wonder if you should have stuck it out, but you did the right thing. Your ex was not The One. Or was he? End-of-the-month news of his engagement might set you back a bit.
SCORPIO: OCTOBER 23–NOVEMBER 21
Venus enters your sign on the Seventh, and you know what Venus rhymes with, so go find yourself one! It’s time to have sex! Rebound city! You know, of course, that a rebound relationship can’t go anywhere. But Mercury is in retrograde, so you will think you are madly in love, which will complicate things when the relationship crashes and burns around the Twenty-eighth.
SAGITTARIUS: NOVEMBER 22–DECEMBER 21
The new moon is the time to make decisions. Like where exactly is this “fling” with the twenty-two-year-old going? The planets are in conflict, especially the Seventh and Twenty-first, so that’s not a good time to confront him about his pot problem. Mars in Virgo makes your health vulnerable, so camp out in Mexico at your own risk! An older boyfriend might spring for a hotel with a bathroom, that’s all the planets are saying.
CAPRICORN: DECEMBER 22–JANUARY 19
The once-a-year new moon in your sign changes your course, so you’ll try online dating, something you once contended was “for losers and psychos.” Turns out you were right! You will spend much of the new moon trying to understand the point of being “open-minded,” since you never imagined a coffee date could be so endless. You will tire of your own story and begin to make things up, which is dishonest but also helpful, because you will project a much healthier outlook on life thanks to your new childhood, family, job, and ex.
DISPATCHES FROM THE DATING FRONT LINES Copyright © 2003 by Cindy Chupack