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Decidedly Demented Things to Do in a Mall
"Welcome to Circuit City, where service is state of the art."
--Ralph Waldo Emerson
A trip to the mall can be an unbearable experience. Long lines, over-friendly sales clerks, and hordes of whining children can take their toll. But malls don't have to be so grueling. There are plenty of ways to entertain yourself in these temples of consumption.
1. Go to Supercuts, ask them to "take a little off the stomach."
2. At Blockbuster, replace the movies in "staff recommendations" with low-budget drive-in movies and hardcore pornography like Hot Resort, Sizzle Beach USA, and Ebony Humpers 6.
3. Start scuffle in Foot Locker, try to get salesman to give you a technical.
4. At Barnes and Noble, hang out in self-help section, hit on vulnerable women.
5. Try to grate cheese using an escalator.
6. When department-store employees spray you with perfume/cologne sample, scream "I'm melting ... . I'm melting ... . So much pain ... Death is welcome ..."; crumple to ground.
7. At Abercrombie & Fitch, badger other customers with lengthy explanations as to why Abercrombie is far superior to Fitch; distribute propaganda.
8. Go to Kmart, buy absurd combinations of things that arouse cashier's imagination. Examples: a) a calculator, some glue, and a jar of olives b) a hamster, a fork, and some paprika c) pack of thumbtacks, a menorah, and a bottle of vodka.
9. Offer to pay for things in a) pennies b) acorns c) "tales of adventure."
10. Set up book-signing table, claim you are Art Buchwald. If you choose, write delusional and threatening notes in book copies, e.g. "The infidels shall be quashed," "Cower to my genius," and "I shall shower nougat upon your first born."
11. Stroll through toy store with electronic "Simon" in pants, watch customers' confusion.
12. Go to TGI Friday's, order a table for two. Insist that Steve Guttenberg will be joining you; feign heartbreak when he doesn't show up.
13. Ask news shop if they have the latest edition of Inhaler Aficionado.
14. Try on biker shorts that are too small for you. Stand in front of mirror scrutinizing fit, often eliciting sales clerk's opinion.
15. Teach pet-store parrots to say, "I have a prehensile penis and retractable testicles."
16. Set up soap box in arcade, preach and rant about "Pinfla-tion--the unnecessary increase in pinball scores"; blame Germans.
17. Go into Victoria's Secret, hand clerk sexy lingerie, tell her, "You look about my girlfriend's size. Could you try this on?"
18. Do the same thing, but say, "You look about my mom's size."
19. Do the same thing, but say "You look about Jack Sikma's size."
20. Go to piercing shop, ask them to pierce your pancreas.
21. At Barnes and Noble, fake like you're speed-reading Dostoyevsky at an absurd rate. Nod and chuckle occasionally.
22. Do the same, but pretend that you can comprehend the words simply by sniffing them.
23. Walk up to someone and "recognize" them as Carrie Fisher. Insist on getting an autograph.
24. Try to make mall cops laugh, as though they were members of England's Royal Guard.
25. Try to make them cry.
26. Open all jars of tennis balls, inhale fumes, tell people in a giggly slur that "Sport's Authority is so much better if you're stoned."
27. Take large, cumbersome, awkwardly shaped objects to department stores to be gift-wrapped. (Examples: stack of firewood, an inflated blow-up doll, a live mallard.)
DO UNTO OTHERS. Copyright © 2000 by Justin Heimberg and David Gomberg. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews. For information, address
|27 Decidedly Demented Things to Do in a Mall||1|
|5 Things to Do at McDonald's||5|
|31 Unbelievably Unsettling Things to Do in a Job Interview||7|
|12 Things to Do When You're the Boss||13|
|32 Divinely Disturbing Things to Do to End a Relationship||15|
|5 Things to Do When Meeting the In-Laws for the First Time||19|
|24 Beautifully Blasphemous Things to Do in Church||21|
|4 Irresistibly Irreverent Things to Do in Synagogue||25|
|40 Endlessly Entertaining Things to Do in School||27|
|8 Things to Do If You're the Teacher||35|
|30 Splendidly Strange Things to Do in an Elevator||37|
|5 Things to Do at the Department of Motor Vehicles||41|
|46 Absolutely Asinine Things to Do in Places of Amusement||43|
|25 Wonderfully Warped Things to Do at a Gym/Health Club||51|
|10 Things to Do in a Public Bathroom||55|
|28 Decidedly Disconcerting Things to Do to Freak Out a New Roommate||57|
|42 Brilliantly Baffling Things to Do at the Office If You Just Don't Give a Crap Anymore||63|
|Index of Occupational Absurdity||69|
|31 Radically Rude Things to Do When Dealing With Annoying People||71|
|34 Positively Peculiar Things to Do on a First Date||75|
|18 Things to Do During Sex||81|
|33 Beautifully Bizarre Things to Do on Special Occasions||85|
|47 Lavishly Ludicrous Things to Do When Traveling||91|
|23 More Unbelievably Unsettling Things to Do in a Job Interview||99|
|24 Marvelously Miscellaneous Things to Do to Mess With People's Minds||103|
|Acknowledgments/About the Authors||107|
Posted August 9, 2002
Funny beyond all words. I could pictue myself doing some of things in this book just to see the reactions from people. This is laugh-out-loud funny.
3 out of 3 people found this review helpful.Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.
Posted April 22, 2009
Posted January 7, 2003
I'm still so shocked from this marvelous tapestrie of heaven It's as if God himself came down from heaven and wrote this book. This author should be up for both the Pulitzer and the Nobel Prize!
1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.
Posted May 9, 2002
Posted August 15, 2014
A great read, even if you don't have the ballls to try these yourself. When you whip this s**t out of your pocket, case, handbag or hand even Chuck Norris will be running scared.Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.
Posted November 21, 2013
This book is funny filled with crazy pranks for all occasions. The jjokes and antics are funny demented and won't harm anyone but the pranker. EVEN if you don't a try these pranks yourself it is still a funny read.Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.
Posted May 11, 2013
Posted July 16, 2012
Posted June 22, 2012
I work in retail, and deal with idiots all the time. Some of these I'd love to act out and surprise the heck out of some people. And any of the date scenarios. A must-read if you have a twisted sense of humorWas this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.
Posted April 20, 2012
Posted March 5, 2009
No text was provided for this review.
Posted December 16, 2011
No text was provided for this review.