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Don't Be A Foolish Virgin!Confessions of a Foolish Virgin
By Sharon D. Watts
AuthorHouseCopyright © 2012 Sharon D. Watts
All right reserved.
Chapter OneUnqualified Love
Flying over North Florida looking down at the landscapes and trees, my eyes caught a lake in the shape of a heart. I knew at that moment God was confirming in my spirit that he loved me.
While sitting on the beach, I looked up and saw the white clouds hovering over the ocean. My eyes tuned into a clear blue opening between the clouds. I tuned in a little more. In the clearing was the shape of a heart and again I felt the affirmation of God telling me that he loved me.
I fell in love with a smart, handsome guy (not pictured). I'll call him Thaddeus, which means heart. Once again, God was telling me that he loved me. God proved his love to me over and over again as my love for this witty, charming man grew stronger and stronger. Stay tuned....... God was telling me that he loved me.
Prior to these three symbols of love; my heart seemed deprived of the love of family and friends. I appeared to be giving more than what I was receiving. For years I was held on this high pedestal of honor and praise. All of the praise and honor was tearing me up on the inside. How can such recognition feel so negative?
Living as a middle-aged single woman, no children, and no special someone, this lifestyle was getting old. I had a good job and I had worked my way up the corporate ladder. The job I held required a lot of travel. Although I was on the road most of the time, I was still looked up to as the go-to-person. Yes, I loved the planning of family events, giving of my time and money, but over a period of years I was getting lonely and wanted someone or something to call my own. I started to pull back! Little by little, I refrained from doing what everyone expected of me. I kept telling myself, "it's now time for me to pursue my dreams."
The Bible tells us that after we have done the "will" of God all these things will be added unto us. "But seek (aim at and strive after) first of all His kingdom and His righteousness (His way of doing and being right), and then all these things taken together will be given you besides." Matthew 6:33 AMP
I was raised in the church. I held several positions, (secretary, choir president, Sunday school teacher, youth group, minister, choir director and more). I loved my neighbor as myself, attended church just about every Sunday, was a member of a Christian club, witnessed, and prayed for others and so on. All the above sounds like the "will" of God to me.
The one dream I thought sure to come true would be my wedding. My heart's desire was to finally get married and settle down.
My wedding dream.... imagine this!
The day has come for me to finally be a bride and not a bridesmaid. All the attendants have marched down the aisle. The audience is anxiously waiting for me, the bride, to make my grand entrance. I can see my fiancé' peaking around the guests as they are standing with expectation!
I am making my way in slowly; trying to pull myself together. I am still focusing on the things that went wrong in preparing for this most awesome day, but glad this special moment has finally come. My father looks into my eyes and tells me to relax, everything will be alright. He is really excited that his youngest daughter is finally getting married. He too had been waiting for this day.
I finally reached the front of the church. My groom is looking with sparkles in his eyes. He can't really see how beautiful I am because of the veil covering my face.
Now I am at the altar face-to-face with my groom. My father releases me and takes a seat next to my mom.
Fast forward ... after the songs, vows, exchanging of the rings, The Lord's Prayer, lighting of the unity candle and communion, it's now time to salute the bride. My groom, oops husband now, pulls the veil from over my face. Now he can see how beautiful I am. He gazes at me and approaches me with tears in his eyes. He kindly and gently touches my lips with his. There is relief written on our faces, aaaaah it's finally over. The veil has finally been lifted, we are now husband and wife, we are one. He whispers in my ear, "tonight I will go beyond another veil," I am really blushing now!
All of a sudden I imagined God questioning me. "Do you really know how to love me?" Do you really know how to love a husband?" How is your relationship with me?" "How is your relationship with your family and friends? Do you understand how to love unconditionally like I do? Where have you been? I have missed you!" In my mind, I envision God saying, "I'll talk with you more ... a little later."
Ok, back to my dream, the wedding dream. Well, the wedding dream is ok, but at this point in my life, a small private ceremony will do. There are more important things to consider then spending a large sum of money on a wedding, but that's a different story.
Over the past few years I have learned so much about God's unconditional love. Due to various reasons I felt that I was unqualified to be loved by God, family, friends and that special someone. Getting beyond the veil to enter into the presence of God has been a tedious journey for me. Obstacles have come during the process of trying to get beyond the veil to God.
Just like a bride preparing for her wedding day: six months to a year of preparation, the bride chooses her gown, a place for the ceremony and reception, bridesmaids, flower girls, wedding rings, caterer and much more. There is also preparation in developing that personal relationship with God, that special someone, and family and friends.
There are several things in our lives that may hinder us from going beyond the veil: disobedience, self will, confusion, stubbornness, etc. When we're not beyond the spiritual veil we worry about life's everyday problems. We worry about the future. We lose sleep at night because our minds are just wondering, wondering and wondering. We are wondering what, when, where, how and why. We lose our focus on God. We must take the appropriate steps to go beyond the veil to reach God. Believe me, it's better for you to make the move towards God, than for God to move towards you. You'll understand what I mean soon enough.
There is a word from God that was spoken in the spirit and interpreted at a church service. This word has stuck with me for several years now. God reminds me every now and then of these words: God speaking, "I have called you and you have not answered, I have called you and you have not answered. I will no longer call you, I will come and find you."
Here is my story of God finding me, because I failed to answer him!
This experience that I am sharing is from my perspective.
I had recently moved back to my original place of birth. I lived with my parents for a year or so. I wanted to move out of my parent's home, turn in my road warrior badge, discover who I really was. I wanted to get back into serving God in a church setting, settle down, get married, have a child and make a life for myself.
I knew it was time for me to get off the road to rebuild and restore relationships with people and most importantly with God. I was getting lonelier and lonelier every day. My spiritual bank was in the red. Because of the demand, stress and travel requirements of my job, my spiritual life was fading away. I was losing my firm connection with God.
After several years off the dating scene, I was so excited to be in a relationship with this wonderful man, Thaddeus. Because of the long span of not dating, I must admit I was a little "green", not knowing what to do or say at times.
Thaddeus was a little different than the average "Joe". He was stern, truthful; witty, cute and sexy too. I always told myself that I would need a strong man because I am a strong woman. I needed that man who could put up with me. As stated, I am middle aged, never been married and lived alone for half my life, so the sternness he possessed would be a help to me. I had fallen head-over-heels for him.
A few months into the relationship, I perceived that Thaddeus was pulling back. Work and personal issues seemed to have taken up most of his time. I continued to believe that things would workout, so I hung in there. I thought my waiting period for a husband was over, it was only fifteen years or so since I had last dated, surely it was my time.
Well our dating relationship was short lived. We agreed to just be friends! As time passed; our friendship seemed to grow stronger and better. Although we were not in a committed relationship, we enjoyed spending time with one another.
In Romans 3:23 (NLT)-For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God's glorious standard.
Confession, I found myself having intimate moments with him. Although we were not engaging in sex, we were still fulfilling the lust of the flesh which is also sexual immorality. Sexual immorality is Spiritual defeat. We were drifting towards the cliff. Yes, I confessed over and over again. To be honest, at times I did not confess with a sincere heart. I just went through the motions. I have heard people say when they were living in sin it was fun and pleasurable. In ever thought that I would be one of those people.
There were times I thought, "how come God has not rained down fire upon me?" Well, He was convicting me. I was thinking, I am not having sex, so it's ok. Over and over again those thoughts went through my mind. The scripture: (paraphrasing) ... for the wages of sin is death (physical, emotional, mental, relationships, friendships, finances, jobs, etc) also crossed my mind. Any of these things are accompanied by grief and humiliation when it's acquired outside of the will of God. Sin is definitely not the will of God. Think about your past, how did you acquire "things"? Was it through Godly or ungodly means? Maybe your thoughts or intentions began Godly, but over a period of time ungodly thoughts, intentions arose and you did not resist the presentation of temptation. Been there, done that. Don't have a t-shirt though.
Now it seems like this is the only sin that I have committed, Not! I am not making light of any rebellion that I have engaged in, but for some reason this particular fault weighed so much more on me. One thing that stuck out in my mind was not only did I sin against God, but I sinned against God's temple: my body. My body is where the Holy Spirit lives and I allowed my body, God's living space to become unclean. Only one spirit can live in you, the Spirit of God or the spirit of the enemy. The constant spiritual warfare within me was very difficult to deal with in my mind. I'll talk about the warfare of the mind a little later.
I knew that fulfilling the lust of the flesh was wrong, but I was falling in love with him. Hey, why not? I was not having sex, so what harm is being done? Just one look is all it takes to fall. "But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart." Matthew 5:28 (KJV)
God is a forgiving God, right? "For his unfailing love toward those who fear him is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth. He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west. The Lord is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate to those who fear him." Psalm 103:11-13 (NLT) I was covered under the blood of Jesus, right? I know several Christian couples who had gone beyond the line and had sex before they got married. So, what's the harm?
I truly loved Thaddeus. He helped me to realize that I really wanted someone to share my life, thoughts, dreams, and ideas with.
After each intimate encounter, I would apologize to him and to God! I'd get all cleaned up, tell myself I would not partake again. God had forgiven me, I was strong enough to visit or receive company from him. Well, "hmm," guess what? You can say it however you want to say it, but, in my own words, I failed.
Oh, of course God was ministering to me through the scriptures and different people He put in my path. I was also "reading" my daily bread.
On several occasions I put my Bible out to remind myself and hoped he would see it too and remember, that God was watching. I even started wearing a bracelet with "crosses" on it and "cross" earrings when I knew we were going to see each other. LOL! A time or two I did not take a shower and even dressed ugly or unattractive to deter the affection. Umm, that did not work.
This activity had become routine; I was ashamed to apologize and the sincerity of the apologies had worn off.
Well, time is passing; I see signs of a lack of interest from Thaddeus. I am panicking that I am going to lose him. I am doing all I can to hold onto this dream of being a bride and spending the rest of my life with the one I had fallen in love with.
When I was around family and friends I was not the normal person they were use to being around. The person they saw on the outside was not the person on the inside. I remember one day going fishing with my aunt and uncle. I usually sat in the front seat of the truck with my aunt and my uncle would sit in the back. One day we were getting ready to leave and as usual my Uncle told me to sit up front. This time I refused because I did not feel worthy of sitting in the front. There in the back seat, I was thinking ... "who is this person portraying to be an innocent niece, spending time with her aunt and uncle. They really don't know who she is." I was ashamed.
There's one other recollection that I will share. I ministered a message a few years back on how God had kept me as a chaste woman waiting for my husband. On one of my work trips I visited some friends. The mother went on and on about the great message I had ministered and reminded me that I was still a virgin, which I still am. But I allowed my purity to be compromised. I was crying on the inside with disappointment in myself.
As I am going through all these changes, I am talking to God even more. I am sharing with God my feelings, asking Him, "why is this happening to me? How can this happen to me?" I have never condemned anyone, (Don't think I have). I have been the one to say, "I don't have a heaven or hell to put someone in". If someone confided in me, I made sure they asked God for forgiveness and gave them the scripture; (paraphrasing) with every temptation there is a way of escape. The phone may ring, a dog may bark or maybe a book may fall off the shelf. Anything distracting your activity can be the way of escape. Why did this happen to me? How could I have let this happen to me?
"Dear brothers and sisters, if another believer is overcome by some sin, you who are godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path. And be careful not to fall into the same temptation yourself." Galatians 6:1(NLT)
I was restoring people gently and humbly. So what happened? I was not careful, I let my guard down. Not to make excuses, but the stresses of living out of a suit case, home one day, out the next for a week or more at a time contributed to improper spiritual time management. I had misplaced my discipline. When I first started out with the job I managed my time wisely. As the days and years grew older, I dropped the spiritual ball somewhere down the line.
I had a void in my life. Again, I was lonely and stressed I needed to be comforted. I needed the attention and comfort that I was getting from Thaddeus. So being careless, I fell into temptation. Sorry Lord, for ignoring your warning messages.
As I see my love life falling apart I am telling God about my conversations with Thaddeus and my perspective of our relationship. Again, this is just based on my perspective.
During my time talking with God he never said anything about Thaddeus. For some reason I thought God would take my side. Now I know that was foolish thinking. It was all about Him, the God, "Him." God's responses surprised me. I was not expecting what I was about to hear.
Through theses dialogs between God and myself at various times in my relationship with Thaddeus, God was telling me that He loves me.
Me: He told me he was putting me on the back burner.
God: You put Me on the back burner.
After God brought this to my attention, I was stunned. I looked back at my life and realized how right he was. I was ashamed. To be honest I was not mad at Thaddeus any longer. How could I be? If I am neglecting God, how can I even think about being upset with my friend? Mind you, I had placed my friend before God.
Me: Why is he not spending time with me?
God: You are not spending time with me.
Hmm, I thought I was. I made sure if I had time to read my daily devotional and say a word of prayer, I did. I prayed throughout the day, isn't that spending time with God. Honesty is the best policy. I was not spending the appropriate time with God. I had a very lackadaisical attitude. I was tired physically, mentally and emotionally. I gave God the strength I had left over, which was not much.
Me: How can I love someone who does not love me?
God: I love you and you are not loving me.
I was wowed with God's response. My eyes opened up as I reflected on those words; I love you and you are not loving me.
Me: God I miss him.
God: I have been missing you.
I am still not getting any pity from God. After a few days I realized that I missed God too. Although I knew He was always there, I just needed to reach out my hand to take his. Often God would tell me that he's just checking in on me, like a father checks on his kids after they have gone to bed for the evening. I can see God cracking the door, smiling, nodding his head, as if to say "that's my child, I am so proud of her." Then he closes the door.
Excerpted from Don't Be A Foolish Virgin! by Sharon D. Watts Copyright © 2012 by Sharon D. Watts. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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