Down Came the Rain: My Journey Through Postpartum Depression

Interviews & Essays

Brooke Shields: I feel too young to write a memoir of my life, especially because I feel my life is just now becoming even more interesting and I have so much further to go in my career and in my personal life. This subject, however, became unavoidable to me, and after having experienced it so dramatically, I felt the need to share how I was altered and how those close to me were affected. It did not stem so much from a desire for catharsis as it did from an obligation to help others by shining a harsh light on the reality of PPD [postpartum depression] in my life. My longtime friend and past agent urged me to tell my story, and I found my own reasons for choosing to do so. This is a subject that is too often pushed aside or rationalized away. So many are affected, and still there is such a taboo surrounding it that many suffer in silence. I wanted to take the mute button off.

B&N.com: Do you feel your difficulties in getting pregnant contributed to postpartum depression?

BS: I feel a great deal of my PPD was exacerbated by the trials I endured just trying to get pregnant. However many non-IVF [in vitro fertilization] or at-risk mothers suffer from the same symptoms. The medication and hormone treatment I underwent helped throw my system off balance, and the failed attempts depressed me as well. But I know many moms who got pregnant naturally and had easy deliveries that experience similar emotions to those I describe in the book.

B&N.com: How was your pregnancy? Did you feel it was easier or harder than average?

BS: My pregnancy was easy and actually quite uneventful. I had carpal tunnel syndrome rather severely towards the end of the third trimester, but I had no morning sickness and didn't even gain an excessive amount of weight. I had an easier-than-average pregnancy and went full term.

B&N.com: Your father, with whom you were so close, died just before Rowan was born. In addition, you moved apartments and had a very difficult delivery. These are three enormous stressors occurring at the same time. How do you think these experiences affected you?

BS: In hindsight, my father's death, my move, and my frightening and difficult delivery created a tremendous amount of stress, pain, and sadness for me. These events added to my depression, but because I then experienced PPD, I was practically devastated beyond recovery. However, the feelings I was conscious of revolved around my being a mother, having had a baby, my baby herself, and the monumental change that resulted from giving birth. I believe even if my dad hadn't passed away or we hadn't moved I would have still experienced PPD. The chemistry in my system had been so altered during delivery (as well as during two years of IVF) that even without the emotional and psychological traumas, I was in line for depression.

B&N.com: In your book, you discuss your evolving relationship with your mother, and how you've made peace. Can you tell us about that and her role in your life today?

BS: My mom is in love with her granddaughter and wants to spend as much time with her as she can. She has not been my manager since the very early '90s, and we have no working relationship. We speak many times a week and see each other quite often. She lives on the East Coast permanently, and I go back and forth between the two coasts. Being a mother has given my own mom and me a common ground.

B&N.com: Can you talk about the stigma many women seem to feel regarding postpartum depression?

BS: PPD causes one to feel so ashamed and desolate that it is very difficult to admit to. There is such a stigma around not being attached to your baby and happy with motherhood. The image has been ingrained in our minds and our culture, and any picture less than an ideal one seems to be cause for shame.

B&N.com: How did being part of "Hollywood" affect your ability to function within your depression?

BS: I don't believe Hollywood had any affect on my ability to function (or not function) within my depression. Almost all of the women I spoke to about their PPD were not in the movie and television business. The biggest pressure I felt was to power through to "happiness" for those closest to me. This was of course not possible or realistic. PPD seemed to erase the concept of Hollywood and level the field and unify all women.

B&N.com: What do you hope this book will do for women, and the people who love them, who suffer from postpartum depression?

BS: I hope this book will help new moms not feel alone or desperate, and that there is no shame in their feelings. PPD is out of their control, but the treatment and healing process is not. There is help and it works. For those who love women affected by PPD, I hope this book will shed light on a very upsetting and confusing affliction. I hope it will help them feel less hopeless and supported by knowledge of available treatments. They also need to know that PPD is also something they can't fix on their own.

B&N.com: Do you have any advice for doctors who speak to women after they've given birth? They may know what to look for medically, but what kind of questions might they ask a woman who's not sure what's wrong with her?

BS: Speak to the women before they give birth. Say to them that after birth, if they should feel unconnected, or depressed, hopeless, or unusually sad, that they should inform their doctor ASAP. Especially if the feelings don't go away after a few days. The families, husbands, partners need to have someone to call to ask questions and also provide knowledge and help from the professionals who are treating the mom. A follow-up on the psychological progress of the mom is necessary. The psychological questions need to be as important as the medical/physical ones with regard to the healing period.

B&N.com: Tell us about Rowan -- how old is she now, and what makes her happy?

BS: My baby girl, Rowan, is the delight of my life. Every day brings new surprises in her growth. She loves music and dancing and would eat "eggies" for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. She squeals at the sight of our dog, Darla, and has to be the one to feed her, saying, "Wait, wait, okay!" She loves kissing her dad's face all over and smushing her cheeks against mine repeatedly before saying goodbye. She has a favorite blanket called a "cachcach" and likes any drink with ice in it. She prefers "cold water" in the shower and sink and adores "wash hands, wash hands." Lip gloss makes her very happy!