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Duke Sucks: A Completely Evenhanded, Unbiased Investigation into the Most Evil Team on Planet Earth [NOOK Book]

Overview


In the ranks of NCAA college basketball, Duke University is like something scraped off the bottom of a shoe. It’s like a nasty virus you catch from a door handle at a public toilet.

No team in sports is as uniquely hated as those smug, entitled, floor-slapping, fist-pumping, insufferable Blue Devils. The loathing has almost reached the level of a religion. Christian Laettner is a punk. Amen. The Cameron Crazies are obnoxious. ...

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Duke Sucks: A Completely Evenhanded, Unbiased Investigation into the Most Evil Team on Planet Earth

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Overview


In the ranks of NCAA college basketball, Duke University is like something scraped off the bottom of a shoe. It’s like a nasty virus you catch from a door handle at a public toilet.

No team in sports is as uniquely hated as those smug, entitled, floor-slapping, fist-pumping, insufferable Blue Devils. The loathing has almost reached the level of a religion. Christian Laettner is a punk. Amen. The Cameron Crazies are obnoxious. The Plumlees are worthless times three. Coach K is a jerk. Kumbaya.

The team is dogged by an intense hatred that no other team can match—and for good reason. Millions of hoops fans and March Madness aficionados around the world are not imagining things. Duke really is evil, and within the pages of Duke Sucks, Reed Tucker and Andy Bagwell show readers exactly why Duke deserves to be so detested. They bruise and batter the Blue Devils with fact after fact, story after story, statistic after statistic. They build an airtight case that could stand up in a court of law.

So sit back in your "I Hate Duke" t-shirt, and in true Duke fashion, force someone poorer than you to do your work as you crack open the ultimate guide to Duke suckitude.

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Editorial Reviews

From the Publisher
 “It's daylight savings time, which means it's also Duke-hating time.”

—-The Denver Post

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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9781250008190
  • Publisher: St. Martin's Press
  • Publication date: 1/31/2012
  • Sold by: Macmillan
  • Format: eBook
  • Pages: 208
  • Sales rank: 885,314
  • File size: 3 MB

Meet the Author


Reed Tucker is a staff features writer at the New York Post. He lives in Brooklyn, New York. Andy Bagwell is a former member of Selected Hilarity, one of the top college comedy acts in the nation. He lives in Cary, North Carolina. The two host the “Tar Heel Bred, Tar Heel Dead” podcast, an obsessive, occasionally humorous look at UNC basketball.


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Read an Excerpt

CHARGE #1
 
DUKE IS DIRTIER THAN A BUS STATION BATHROOM FLOOR.
 
 
“I know for a fact that that was not by accident.”
That’s UNC guard Dewey Burke’s take on one of the most infamous plays in Duke basketball history. March 4, 2007. Chapel Hill, North Carolina. With 14.5 seconds left in an eventual 86–72 UNC victory, Carolina’s Tyler Hansbrough retrieves his own miss from the foul line and goes up for a putback. Suddenly, Duke’s Gerald Henderson comes swooping in from behind and smashes his elbow into Hansbrough’s face, breaking the star player’s nose and sending blood gushing down his mug, across his uniform, and onto the floor.
“I can’t tell you how I know that or details, but I know that was not an accident,” says Burke, who was on the court during the play and held Hansbrough back from charging Henderson. “That was supposed to happen. I don’t think they were trying to break Tyler’s nose or wanted him to bleed like that, but they were trying to send some sort of message of, ‘We’re not going out like this.’”
Everyone involved, including both coaches, claimed in the postgame press conference that the elbow was an accident. (Though Coach K would snidely suggest that it was partially UNC coach Roy Williams’s fault for leaving his starters on the floor so late in the game.)
“But look, we were gonna take the high road and say, ‘Hey, we knew it wasn’t on purpose, and we’re moving on,’” Burke says. “But all of us in the program knew there was a lot more to it than that.”
Dirty is a tough thing to prove. One man’s “hard foul” is another man’s “assault and battery.” Anyone who’s hooped on the playgrounds is familiar with the “no blood, no foul” rule, but Duke seems to take it a bit too literally sometimes.
While no one can prove that Duke is out to play dirty basketball, the trail of blood, bruises, and broken bones the team has left in its wake would seem to speak for itself.
There will be blood, all right. Lots of blood. So much blood that a game will look like an episode of CSI: Durham.
Let’s go back a few decades and peer deep into the history of Duke dirtiness, all the way back to the 1930s, shortly after the school became Duke University.
“Duke was preparing to play North Carolina. Concerned with UNC’s big center ‘Tiny’ Harper, Bill Werber and Harry Councillor practiced throwing a ball at the head of Duke center Joe Crosson, who would duck as the ball approached him,” Jim Sumner wrote in his book, Tales from the Duke Blue Devils Hardwood. “At the beginning of the game with UNC, Werber fired a ball at Crosson’s head. He ducked and the ball hit Harper flush in the face, temporarily stunning him. The big man was strangely passive the rest of the game.”
The actual douche bag was invented in 1848 but we’re pretty sure this incident is the first time a human acted like one.
Flash forward to February 4, 1961. The incident known as “The Fight” also involves a game with North Carolina. After UNC’s Larry Brown is fouled unnecessarily hard by Duke’s Art Heyman, Brown takes offense and suddenly punches are being wildly thrown. A near riot follows as the UNC bench clears and Duke fans join the mob.
Notice something there? Seems to us that the Duke guy was the instigator. And, yes, this is the same Larry Brown who has since gone on to coach in the ABA as well as every team in the NBA. Twice.
Next up is a matchup in the Coach K era that will be forever known as “The Bloody Montross Game.” Duke is coming off a national title and rolls into Chapel Hill on February 5, 1992, as the number one team in the country. During a hard-fought game battling down low, UNC center Eric Montross gets bashed and a gigantic cut opens on his noggin. He steps to the foul line toward the end of the game with blood running down his cheek and the side of his head. Carolina ultimately wins the game 75–73.
Pieces of Laettner’s elbow still show up in Eric Montross’s X-ray. (Courtesy of Scott Williams)
Montross says that he still gets asked about that game more than any other. We attended that game and will admit that maybe a few tears of joy were shed in the stands. And later that night, a mob formed on Franklin Street, and Montross came strolling down the street, a fresh bandage under his left eye.
Not even two months later in March 1992, came the infamous Christian Laettner “Stomp.” No blood, but still dirty.
When you get to 2003 and talk about Dahntay (or should we say “Dirtay”) Jones, how can you pick one incident? Let’s see, there’s January 12, 2003, when he broke Wake Forest freshman Justin Gray’s jaw setting a screen. Then roughly two months later, he swung an elbow and cut UNC freshman Raymond Felton on the chin. (No foul was called on that, by the way.) That ruckus led to a heated exchange between then-coach Matt Doherty and Duke assistant coach Chris Collins that almost caused punches to be thrown.
And “Dirtay” didn’t clean up once he got to the pros. Any Phoenix Suns fans out there? Then you’ll remember May 2, 2005, when he nearly tackled Shawn Marion during a transition layup attempt in the playoffs. Marion’s teammate Quentin Richardson told the Arizona Republic after the game, “I didn’t like it. If we were somewhere else, there would’ve been a fight. If this were the regular season, [Jones] would’ve been in the front row. He would’ve been somewhere, and I would’ve been on top of him. That [stuff] is unnecessary, and it’s not basketball.”
In 2009, Jones was nearly suspended from the NBA playoffs after a flagrant foul on Kobe Bryant—his third flagrant of the postseason and his second in two games. Lakers coach Phil Jackson accused Jones of “unacceptable defense, tripping guys, and playing unsportsmanlike basketball.”
On February 20, 2005, Duke was coming off a two-game losing streak when they hosted the Wake Forest Demon Deacons for a Top 20 battle. Coach K mysteriously shook up the starting lineup and put in little-used reserve Patrick Davidson. His orders? Basically to harass the bejeezus out of star Deacon guard, Chris Paul.
“He manhandled Wake Forest guard Chris Paul on the opening possession, bumping him wildly before a foul was called,” the Associated Press wrote. “He left the game after two minutes to a rousing ovation and got a warm embrace from Blue Devils coach Mike Krzyzewski.”
Patrick finished the game with a stat line of two minutes played, two personal fouls, thirteen slaps on the ass from his teammates, and one creepy hug. Oh, and after the season he added something else: the Coach’s Award, Duke’s trophy for the person who personifies the team’s values.
Not that dirty play always involves blood. Consider this priceless anecdote from UNC guard Bobby Frasor.
Years ago as an eighth grader, Frasor was attending a basketball summer camp.
“Before camp would start all the campers would play. And in 8th grade I was pretty good so I played with some of the older guys,” he says. “We were playing against [current Duke assistant coaches] Chris Collins and Steve Wojciechowski. And I’m tying my shoe getting ready to play and Wojo throws it into Collins and he goes up for a layup. At the time I didn’t think about, but looking back on it, well, that’s Duke.”
Damn straight.
Verdict: What have we got? A stunned center, a near riot, a bleeding face during a free throw, a foot to the chest of a man lying on the ground, a broken jaw, a cut chin, pissed-off pros, two fouls and a creepy hug, a cheap play, and the bloody nose to end all bloody noses. That’s enough evidence to keep CSI forensic investigators busy for years.

 
Copyright © 2012 by Reed Tucker and Andy Bagwell: Foreword © 2012 by Ian Williams

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Table of Contents

Acknowledgments xi

Foreword by Ian Williams xiii

Introduction 1

Charge 1 Duke is dirtier than a bus station bathroom floor 5

Charge 2 The annoying pointless floor slap 11

Exhibit A Graduation Rates 15

Charge 3 The only way the tournament selection committee could give Duke an easier road to the Final Four every year would be to draw them a map 16

Charge 4 Their mascot is incredibly lame. And worse, French 23

Exhibit B Top 5 Duke Scandals 27

Charge 5 The word "lifetime" evidently doesn't mean the same thing to Coach K as it does to the rest of us 31

Charge 6 Duke is where big men's careers go to die 37

Charge 7 Duke causes cancer 43

Exhibit C J. J, Redick's Poetry 48

Charge 8 Dookies are fair-weather Jans who cannot be counted on when their teams get down 50

Charge 9 [This charge has been redacted for fear that Coach K might call us and scorch the earth with F-bombs for twenty minutes.] 56

Charge 10 Duke would not play a true road game against a quality opponent if Coach K's vertebrae depended on it 63

Exhibit D Top 12 Most Humiliating Moments 68

Charge 11 The media are a bunch of slobbering pro-Blue Devils fools who lay awake nights fantasizing about running their fingers through Coach K's downy toupee 74

Charge 12 Coach Kuses six pounds of lampblack on his hair per week 80

Charge 13 "The Stomp" managed to encapsulate everything we hate about Duke in a single, awful moment: dickish behavior, an entitled mentality, preferential treatment, selective memory loss by the media, and floppy hair 84

Exhibit E Match-the-Quote Game 90

Charge 14 Duke's coaching tree is riot exactly a mighty oak 93

Charge 15 Duke is paranoid, and it can feel your hate breathing on the back of its neck, all wet and hot and smelling of ribs sauce 98

Charge 16 Duke students are a bunch of wealthy elitist punks who you probably wouldn't want to get stuck talking to at the polo match 104

Exhibit F Duke's All-Overpaid NBA Team 110

Charge 17 Duke gets more calls than a Mumbai customer-service center 112

Charge 18 The school's architecture sucks 119

Exhibit G The Elton Brand E-mail 124

Charge 19 Duke players in the NBA are not exactly setting the world on fire 127

Charge 20 Duke flops worse than a latter-day Nic Cage movie 131

Charge 21 The Cameron Crazies ain't all they're cracked up to be. Clap, clap, clap-clap-clap 136

Charge 22 Duke is most bated in its own backyard 144

Charge 23 Coach K is too good to autograph anything for you 151

Exhibit H Why Your Team Hates Duke 153

Charge 24 Coach K's program has had more defectors than Cuba 157

Charge 25 Gimme a PI Gimme an L! Gimme an A! Gimme an I! Gimme an N!

Exhibit I Frankendookie 165

Charge 26 Gaaaaaaaaaaaaak 166

Exhibit J Top 11 Most Hated Duke Players (Because a List of 10 Was Just Not Enough) 170

Charge oo 179

Afterword 181

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Customer Reviews

Average Rating 3.5
( 17 )
Rating Distribution

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(10)

4 Star

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3 Star

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2 Star

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Sort by: Showing all of 17 Customer Reviews
  • Anonymous

    Posted February 1, 2012

    Hilarious - a highly recommended read!

    I wouldn't even consider myself a big college basketball fan, but I've still always hated Duke. Who doesn't?! The authors give us plenty of reasons why our hatred is justified, including charges ranging from "Duke gets more calls than a Mumbai customer-service center" to "The only way the tournament selection committee could give Duke an easier road to the Final Four every year would be to draw them a map." A great gift for any college sports enthusiast and sure to deliver plenty of laughs for yourself.

    5 out of 6 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted March 3, 2012

    u must read if a duke fan

    I am a duke fan. they can do no wrong,other than to not beat carolina.i enjoyed the book in that i could see why i dont like carolina.the authors put a lot of research into the book?coach Ks hair??come on,u are looking for bugs.

    2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted February 1, 2012

    Great read!!!

    This book is a very entertaining and very well researched book, must get!!!

    2 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted February 18, 2013

    You dirty little punk author

    My bro likes duke so PO you little butt!!!!!!!!

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted February 3, 2013

    Help

    I did not mean to get this book help

    1 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted June 2, 2012

    I am so buying this book! I want to be a Tar Heel sooo bad and I

    I am so buying this book! I want to be a Tar Heel sooo bad and I completely despise Duke. It's so obvious that Duke is out to, like, kill anyone who tries to show the world how awful they are. Duke sucks and who doesn't hate them?

    1 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted March 13, 2012

    Duke sucks. They lost to FSU!

    Duke sucks. They got a fairly easy path this year too.

    1 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Posted March 9, 2012

    Highly Recommended

    You would think by the title that the book would just be full of lies or other untruths about Duke but it actually isn't. If you are one of those people who think Duke gets all of the good calls and that they are nowhere near as good as the NCAA tries to make them appear, you will love this book. Read the truth about this school.

    1 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted April 29, 2012

    Just a bunch of jelous haters

    Guess what carolina fans my life long dream is to go to duke ans obviously we have 100% more class than u. Duke can sue.

    1 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted May 15, 2014

    To below( same guy )

    You didn't mention kentucky. That's what i meant, bro.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted May 20, 2014

    Oh

    Oh

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted April 22, 2013

    The people who wrote the book are jealoce because.......

    Duke basketball team made it to the finals.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Posted March 19, 2013

    The authors of this worthless POS book are Tarbaby twits who onl

    The authors of this worthless POS book are Tarbaby twits who only wish they had the class of the Duke Blue Devils.    

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted February 3, 2013

    Mean

    Ok my sister looked up duke the dasketball team and she was daloading duke vs kentukey and all the sudden it daloaded this mean book calld Duck sucks

    0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted July 4, 2012

    Funny

    I enjoyed every page! As they say the truth is ugly and funny.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted May 19, 2012

    Hfjjdhjcnfagaaaaaa

    Logan was here

    0 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted February 16, 2013

    No text was provided for this review.

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