Easy To Love, Difficult To Discipline: The 7 Basic Skills For Turning Conflict

Easy To Love, Difficult To Discipline: The 7 Basic Skills For Turning Conflict

4.0 19
by Becky A. Bailey
     
 

View All Available Formats & Editions

The 7 Basic Skills for Turning Conflict into Cooperation.

Have you ever opened your mouth to discipline your child, and your parents' nastiest words tumble out? In an era when most parenting books focus on the child, this book supports parents in dealing more positively with themselves as well as their toddler–to–school–age children,

See more details below

Overview

The 7 Basic Skills for Turning Conflict into Cooperation.

Have you ever opened your mouth to discipline your child, and your parents' nastiest words tumble out? In an era when most parenting books focus on the child, this book supports parents in dealing more positively with themselves as well as their toddler–to–school–age children, offering specific tools to stop policing and pleading with kids and start being the parents we want to be.

Based on Dr. Bailey's more than 25 years of work with children, this book explains that how we discipline ourselves is ultimately how we discipline our children. Her "Seven Powers for Self–Control" dramatically increase our ability to keep our cool with our children. These correspond to "Seven Basic Discipline Skills" we can use with our children in conflict situations. As children internalise these skills, they naturally learn "Seven Values for Living," which include integrity, respect, compassion, and responsibility.

Read More

Editorial Reviews

Publishers Weekly - Publisher's Weekly
A developmental psychology specialist and early childhood education expert, Bailey contends that the difficult but rewarding task of guiding children's behavior starts only when parents are able to discipline themselves and become models of self-control. By following the author's "7 Powers for Self-Control" (attention, love, acceptance, perception, intention, free will and unity), the parent will then be equipped to use the "7 Basic Discipline Skills" (including choices, encouragement and consequences). Bailey dismisses the familiar fear-inspired approach to discipline many grew up with (including threats and punishment), claiming that it inevitably leads children to make biologically driven choices and may even effect the brain due to the high levels of stress hormones released. Also rejecting the permissive parenting style now popular that favors "reasoning" (which, according to the author, imbues children with a victim mentality), Bailey instead promotes instilling an awareness of misbehavior through communication. Though some may be put off by the gimmicky overuse of slogans and buzz words, Bailey's underlying message is positive and hopeful, supported with humorous anecdotes and helpful solutions to even chronic discipline problems. (Feb.) Copyright 2000 Cahners Business Information.
Library Journal
Frustrated because your kid won't get in her car seat? Grumpy ever since your son decided that cleaning his room was optional? Ever feel bad after screaming at your kids for these and other things? Moans. Groans. Alas, parenting is no picnic. Bailey (There's Gotta Be a Better Way) acknowledges this and, in this insightful manual, suggests a disciplinary framework called "loving guidance." Loving guidance begins when parents learn seven "powers of self-control," which include acceptance and intention. Next, parents exercise seven basic discipline skills, such as empathy and maintaining composure. The goal is to teach kids the seven "values for living," including respect, compassion, and responsibility. Numerous, often funny lessons akin to those in Mark L. Brenner's When "No" Gets You Nowhere (Prima, 1997) help parents apply the concepts to daily life. Recommended for public libraries.--Douglas C. Lord, Hartford P.L., CT Copyright 2000 Cahners Business Information.\

Read More

Product Details

ISBN-13:
9780061741463
Publisher:
HarperCollins Publishers
Publication date:
10/13/2009
Sold by:
HARPERCOLLINS
Format:
NOOK Book
Pages:
304
Sales rank:
109,106
File size:
1 MB

Read an Excerpt

Chapter One
From Willful to Willing

A wonderful woman who lived in a shoe
Had so many children,
And she knew exactly what to do.
She held them,
She rocked them,
She tucked them in bed,
"I love you, I love you"
Is what she said.

Have you ever thought, I have tried everything possible to get my child to get dressed (or do his homework, or clean his room) and then sadly said to yourself, I give up"? Have you ever punished your child and later felt guilty for having behaved in a way that you swore you never would? Have you ever promised yourself to exercise regularly, eat better, or spend more time with loved ones, but found that the promises you made to yourself are difficult to keep? Have you then given up, or felt guilty?

I wrote this book to help you permanently change your own behavior, because only by learning to discipline yourself will you be able to successfully guide your children's behavior. I will show why achieving self-control and self-discipline allows you to know exactly what to do in order to discipline your children.

If I asked you to teach a class in nuclear physics, could you do it? Probably not. Could you teach your child how to pole-vault? Again, probably not. You cannot teach what you do not know.

Yet we often demand that children acquire skills that we ourselves lack. We ask children to do as we say, not as we do. Parents yell, "Go to your room until you are in control of yourself." A mother grabs a toy that two preschoolers; are tussling over and says, "You know better than to grab toys from your friends. It's mine now!" Husbands and wivesbattle with each other, using attack skills such as name-calling and withdrawal. Then they demand that their children resolve conflicts calmly, by discussing them. Our own emotional intelligence is primitive at best, and whether we admit it or not, we pass our emotional clumsiness on to our children.

For most of us, being consistently in control of ourselves represents a major change. So this book is about change: It's about learning to change your own behavior, and your children's behavior, so that you can grow closer, embrace and resolve conflict, and enjoy life. Once you model self-control for your children, they will show better self-control than you have ever imagined they could achieve. Delightful surprises await you.

Once you model self-control for your children, they will show better self-control than you have ever imagined they could achieve.

Imagine telling your child one time to take a shower—and him actually marching off to do it! Imagine promising yourself to either conquer your clutter, or to relax about it—and then keeping your promise. This book will help you realize these possibilituies and many, many others.

Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline can help you become the person you want your child to emulate. It will take your self-discipline and child-rearing skills to new levels. You will learn how to move beyond policing your children with rules and consequences, and discover how to create a home in which healthy relationships flourish and your children voluntarily choose to cooperate.

Sounds impossible? The revised Mother Goose nursery rhyme at the start of this chapter contains all the needed ingredients. If you want your children to change, you must begin by becoming a wonderfully loving adult. You must focus on what you want to have happen instead of what you don't want. You must rely on love, not fear, to motivate yourself and your children. When you learn to love yourself, you will be ready to teach your children to love themselves and one another.

This is a radically different approach from the one summarized in the original rhyme, which goes like this:

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe,
She had so many children
She didn't know what to do.
She gave them some broth
Without any bread;
She whipped them all soundly
And put them to bed.

Have you ever manipulated your child with food like Mother Goose did? ("If you behave while I shop, I'll take you to McDonald's.") Have you ever, in desperation, spanked your child? Unsure of how to proceed, have you sent your child to his room, or put him in "time out"? How often have you felt like the tired "old woman" (or a tired old dad) after surviving a day with your children, fighting battle after battle? The house really can feel as cramped as a shoe with laces tied too tightly.

How would tomorrow feel if you did know what to do? When your children tormented one another, you would be able to teach them how to resolve their conflicts, rather than resorting to playing "bad cop." When your children refused to clean up, you would know how to help them move past resistance and toward cooperation, rather than turning to nagging, punishment, or doing the task yourself. When your children lost control, you would know how to help them calm down and reorganize themselves, rather than outshouting them. Imagine knowing exactly what to do!

Times Have Changed and So Must We

When it comes to describing our social situation, "Times have changed" is an understatement. There have been many shifts in our society, yet none so profound as the shift from roles to relationships. Building steam in the late fifties, society began to enter bold new territory. Collectively, we decided that the roles of the past were too limiting. The roles of husband and wife had been explicitly defined. The role of child (to be seen and not heard) and the role of parent (as boss) had been clearly articulated. Relationships were...

Read More

Customer Reviews

Average Review:

Write a Review

and post it to your social network

     

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

See all customer reviews >