A. This book is designed as a comprehensive guide to the 2012 Presidential Election for potential voters and non-voters alike.
Q. What do you mean by potential non-voters?
A. People who haven't read the book.
Q. Any particular sort of potential voter?
A. Potential voters of all types: the decided, the undecided, the almost, kind of, really close to, near-the-vicinity-of decided and the you-couldn't-budge-me-with-anything-less-than-a-$300,000-direct-deposit-into-my-Swiss Bank Account decided.
Q. What questions does this book answer?
A. Easy questions. Hard questions. Any question that could possibly be answered by a series of smartass, cynical, semi-schmaltzy, highly acerbic, humorist-type ramblings. Even stupid questions. Remember there are no stupid question only Low Information Voters.
Q. What does that mean?
A. Low Information Voter is a new demographic category that means "stupid people." But the great thing is-you get to say it right in front of them. ROTFLMFAOLARTB.
Q. Got an example?
A. A recent poll shows 52% of Mississippi Republicans still believe President Obama is Muslim. And that doesn't include the hefty percentage who believe he's muslin.
Q. Isn't that a loosely woven cotton fabric?
A. Correctamundo. And yes, it does tend to confuse them, but it's a state to which they've become accustomed.
Q. You mean Mississippi.
A. Exactly. Now you've got it.
Q. Got what?
A. I don't know, but it's all over the front of your shirt. Go directly to the bathroom and wash it off. Immediately after purchasing the book, that is.
EXCERPT FROM THE BOOK
Democracy Is The New Black
Welcoming the revolting flocks of the Mid East with a few cautionary notes about freedom.
Congratulations from the United States of America to all our freedom loving brothers and sisters in Egypt and Yemen and Jordan and Oman and Tunisia and Libya and Iran and Bahrain and Morocco and Algeria and maybe someday soon Saudi Arabia for standing up to your dictatorial overlords and clutching at the guano covered branches of freedom. Jolly good. You've made majority rule fashionable again. Democracy is the new black.
We are all totally psyched how you've dragged yourselves kicking and screaming from the dark ages into the middle 19th Century. You may be excited to hear about some other upgrades we've made in areas such as in transportation, communications, and hygiene. It's all there in your orientation packet. Watch some MTV. Ignore Jersey Shore. No, they're not real.
Got to warn you though, self-rule isn't all a bed of roses. It has a thorny learning curve. Rubs rough on beginners. You might want to spend some time wading out towards the deep end wearing your feudal water wings before jumping straight into the parliamentary pool.
Thing is, don't expect the world to change overnight. England has been dancing with democratization since the thirteenth century and they're still curtseying to the Queen. Usually what happens is you lose one tyrannical despot only to gain another. You could avoid a particular mistake we made and find someone who can spell despot.
Considered by peers and press as one of the premier political comics in the country, Will Durst has patched together a many-colored quilt of a comedy career. He writes a weekly national political humor column syndicated by Cagle Cartoons, voices commercials and commentaries, yet manages to perform hundreds of gigs a year in theaters and clubs and for corporate events and benefits. His abiding motto is “You can't make stuff up like this." He is a 5-time Emmy nominee; has been fired by PBS three times; told jokes in 14 countries; racked up 7 nominations for Stand-Up of the Year; and his 800+ television appearances include Letterman, HBO, Showtime, CNN, ABC, CBS, NBC, MSNBC, Fox News, the BBC, and many more. The critically acclaimed Off-Broadway run of his one man show: “The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” was turned into his first book. His hobbies include pinball, the never-ending quest for the perfect cheeseburger, and his heroes remain the same as when he was 12… Thomas Jefferson and Bugs Bunny. He lives in the Sunset district of San Francisco with his lovely wife, Debi Ann, and their two cats Eloise and Madaleine, all three of which are, alas, light years funnier than he.