Eleven on Top (Stephanie Plum Series #11)

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Overview

"Stephanie Plum is thinking her career as a fugitive apprehension agent has run its course. She's been shot at, spat at, cussed at, fire-bombed, mooned, and attacked by dogs. Time for a change, Stephanie thinks. Time to find the kind of job her mother can tell her friends about without making the sign of the cross." So Stephanie Plum quits. Resigns. No looking back. No changing her mind. She wants something safe and normal. As it turns out, jobs that are safe and normal for most people aren't necessarily safe and normal for Stephanie Plum. ...
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Eleven on Top (Stephanie Plum Series #11)

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Overview

"Stephanie Plum is thinking her career as a fugitive apprehension agent has run its course. She's been shot at, spat at, cussed at, fire-bombed, mooned, and attacked by dogs. Time for a change, Stephanie thinks. Time to find the kind of job her mother can tell her friends about without making the sign of the cross." So Stephanie Plum quits. Resigns. No looking back. No changing her mind. She wants something safe and normal. As it turns out, jobs that are safe and normal for most people aren't necessarily safe and normal for Stephanie Plum. Trouble follows her, and the kind of trouble she had at the bail bonds office can't compare to the kind of trouble she finds herself facing now. Her past has come back to haunt her. She's stalked by a maniac returned from the grave for the sole purpose of putting her into a burial plot of her own. He's killed before and he'll kill again if given the chance. Caught between staying far away from the bounty hunter business and staying alive, Stephanie reexamines her life and the possibility that being a bounty hunter is the solution rather than the problem. After disturbingly brief careers at the button factory, Kan Klean Dry Cleaners, and Cluck-in-a-Bucket, Stephanie takes an office position in security, working for Ranger, the sexiest, baddest bounty hunter and businessman on two continents. It might not be the job she'll keep for the rest of her life, but for now it gives her the technical access she needs to find her stalker. Tempers and temperatures rise as competition ratchets up between the two men in her life - her on-again, off-again boyfriend, tough Trenton cop Joe Morelli, and her badass boss, Ranger.
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Editorial Reviews

Publishers Weekly
New Jersey bounty hunter Stephanie Plum (last seen in 2004's Ten Big Ones) stumbles out of the gate due to some forced humor, but she eventually hits her usual entertaining stride in a tale that includes exploding cars, volatile wedding preparations and heated romantic entanglements. Stephanie decides to quit her job and seek less dangerous work after receiving a couple of disquieting notes. But the notes turn to threats and attacks, and she learns that her ineptitude is not confined to bounty hunting but transfers well to a succession of low-paying, sometimes humiliating jobs. After taking on Stephanie's previous duties, sidekick Lula naturally calls on Stephanie to lend a hand so that her bounty hunting travails continue unabated. Foul-mouthed Lula proves to have some pretty brutal ideas about how to bring 'em back. Bestseller Evanovich may be performing the same tricks over and over at this point in the series (the bumbling sleuth act, sexual-tension jokes, etc.), but most readers will find this a pleasing romp. Agent, Robert Gottlieb. 1.25-million printing; author tour. (On sale June 21) Copyright 2005 Reed Business Information.
Kirkus Reviews
Trenton's best-known bounty hunter has up and left her cousin Vinnie's employ. No, really. There's no real reason why Stephanie Plum (To the Nines, 2003, etc.) has turned in the phony badge she bought off the Web. She's just had enough chasing after the kind of lowlifes who run out on bail bonds and spit in her face when they're caught. And the funny thing is, quitting doesn't change her life a bit. Sure, now she's getting ogled by her boss at the button factory or the customers at Kan Klean cleaners or Cluck-in-a-Bucket, the employment opportunities she savors before taking a filing job for her old lust object, bounty hunter Ranger Manoso. But she still rides along when her old file clerk Lula, who's been promoted to Stephanie's former job, goes after fugitives she can't handle, which is pretty much all of them, and she still submits to the frequent and thorough embraces of cop Joe Morelli when she's not thinking of Ranger, and sometimes even when she is. The jokes, comic bits and funny scenes come so fast and furious that only old hands will notice there's even less mystery than usual: something about four old men whose disappearance may be tied to a truck heist 36 years ago. No plot to get in the way of the story-just the way it should be for Stephanie. First printing of 1,250,000
From the Publisher

Praise for Ten Big Ones:
“Narrator King steps neatly into Stephanie’s shoes, her agile voice conveying not only Stephanie’s fear and frustration, but her plaintive, why-does-this-always-happen-to-me attitude. King also nails the manly, mysterious voice of gorgeous bounty hunter Ranger, Stephanie’s sometime superhero....her vocal stylings are generally as superb as Evanovich’s zany characterizations.”—Publishers Weekly on the unabridged audio

Praise for To the Nines:
“Narrator Lorelei King does a fabulous job—each character is assigned a distinctive voice, thus milking the humor for every drop.”—The Boston Globe

“Narrator King somehow makes the crazy, comic antics of Evanovich’s irresistible bond agent, Stephanie Plum, seem almost rational in this fine audio adaptation...With plenty of prior experience narrating Evanovich titles, King has no trouble highlighting the eccentricities of the author’s invariably quirky cast of characters...King’s chameleon voice and ease with accents make this a lively listening experience.”—Publishers Weekly

“Stellar voice performer Lorelei King gives a captivating spin to the characters in Janet Evanovich’s ninth Stephanie Plum novel.”—Denton Record Chronicle

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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780641910760
  • Publisher: St. Martin's Press
  • Publication date: 6/21/2005
  • Series: Stephanie Plum Series, #11
  • Pages: 320
  • Product dimensions: 6.50 (w) x 9.50 (h) x 1.20 (d)

Meet the Author

Janet  Evanovich

JANET EVANOVICH is the #1 bestselling author of the Stephanie Plum novels, including Ten Big Ones. She lives in New Hampshire.

Biography

When plucky Stephanie Plum lost her job as a lingerie buyer, she had little other choice than to take a position working for her cousin Vinnie's bail-bonds office where she'd spend her days and nights hunting down fugitives, solving mysteries, and falling ass-backwards into adventure. Come to think of it, Ms. Plum has more than a little in common with her creator Janet Evanovich.

Much like the panty-pushing Plum, Evanovich once made her trade in erotica as a romance novelist for the trashy Bantam series "Loveswept." Tiring of the genre and finding herself increasingly fixated on crime, mystery, and the kind of adventures she came to love through comic books like Uncle Scrooge, she decided to ditch steamy stories in favor of off-the-wall humor and feats of daring. As Evanovich said on her website, "after twelve romance novels I ran out of sexual positions and decided to move into the mystery genre."

The resulting Stephanie Plum Mysteries reflect Evanovich's love for comics, toys, shoe-shopping, Cheez Doodles, and beer. Evanovich also created a memorable character that shares many of the author's distinctive traits, such as her self-effacing, dirty-minded wit. The Plum Mysteries, while often rambling and thin on plot, are never anything less than entertaining, hilarious, and refreshing in every way.

Stephanie Plum made her debut in 1994's One For the Money, in which she tracked down Joe Morelli, an ex-cop and murder suspect who'd also been guilty of taking Stephanie's virginity when she was 18. The novel's sly mix of sexiness and childlike playfulness made for a sort of young adult novel for adults.

Since then, the red-hot bounty hunter and a crew of misfits that includes retired hooker Lula, aging bail-jumper Eddie Decooch, and Plum's own hipster granny have romped their way "through the numbers," establishing Evanovich as one of the best and most inventive writers of "Strong Woman" mysteries and guaranteeing her a place on the New York Times bestseller list.

In 2004, Evanovich introduced a smart, savvy new series featuring Alexander "Barney" Barnaby, a sexy Baltimore car mechanic, NASCAR nut, and amateur sleuth with her own posse of delightful eccentrics. She's not Plum, but she's definitely a peach. Hey, what else would you expect from a Janet Evanovich heroine?

Good To Know

Evanovich's motorcycle-riding daughter Alex has created an online comic about her hamster called "Batster," which her mother proudly displays on her web site. With episodes like "Batster vs. Beerzilla," it's clear that wackiness runs in the Evanovich genes.

If you think the Stephanie Plum novels are zany, wait till you hear about what Evanovich was writing before she started getting published. As she explains on her web site, "The first story [I ever wrote] was about the pornographic adventures of a fairy who lived in a second rate fairy forest in Pennsylvania."

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    1. Also Known As:
      Steffie Hall
    2. Hometown:
      Hanover, New Hampshire
    1. Date of Birth:
      April 22, 1943
    2. Place of Birth:
      South River, New Jersey
    1. Education:
      B.A., Douglass College, 1965
    2. Website:

Read an Excerpt



Eleven on Top




By Evanovich, Janet


St. Martin's Paperbacks



Copyright © 2006

Evanovich, Janet

All right reserved.


ISBN: 0312985347



Chapter One 
My name is Stephanie Plum. When I was eighteen I got a job working a hot dog stand on the boardwalk on the Jersey shore. I worked the last shift at Dave's Dogs, and I was supposed to start shutting down a half hour before closing so I could clean up for the day crew. We did chili dogs, cheese dogs, kraut dogs, and bean-topped barking dogs. We grilled them on a big grill with rotating rods. Round and round the rods went all day long, turning the dogs.
 
Dave Loogie owned the dog stand and came by every night to lock the stand down. He checked the garbage to make sure nothing good was thrown away, and he counted the dogs that were left on the grill.
 
"You gotta plan ahead," Dave told me every night. "You got more than five dogs left on the grill when we close, I'm gonna fire your ass and hire someone with bigger tits."
 
So every night, fifteen minutes before closing, before Dave showed up, I ate hot dogs. Not a good way to go when you're working at the shore nights and on the beach in a skimpy bathing suit by day. One night I ate fourteen hot dogs. Okay, maybe it was only nine, but it felt like fourteen. Anyway, it was too many hot dogs. Well hell, I needed the job.
 
For years Dave's Dogs took the number-one slot on my list of all-time crappy jobs held. This morning, I decided mypresent position had finally won the honor of replacing Dave's Dogs. I'm a bounty hunter. A bond enforcement agent, if you want to make me sound more legitimate. I work for my cousin Vinnie in his bail bonds office in the Chambersburg section of Trenton. At least I used to work for my cousin Vinnie. Thirty seconds ago, I quit. I handed in the phony badge I bought off the Net. I gave back my cuffs. And I dropped my remaining open files on Connie's desk.
 
Vinnie writes the bonds. Connie shuffles the paperwork. My sidekick, Lula, files when the mood strikes her. And an incredibly sexy, incredibly handsome badass named Ranger and I hunt down the morons who don't show up for trial. Until today. As of thirty seconds ago, all the morons got transferred to Ranger's list.
 
"Give me a break," Connie said. "You can't quit. I've got a stack of open files."
 
"Give them to Ranger."
 
"Ranger doesn't do the low bonds. He only takes the high-risk cases."
 
"Give them to Lula."
 
Lula was standing hand on hip, watching me spar with Connie. Lula's a size-sixteen black woman squashed into size-ten leopard print spandex. And the weird thing is, in her own way, Lula looks pretty good in the animal spandex.
 
"Hell yeah," Lula said. "I could catch them sonsabitches. I could hunt down their asses good. Only I'm gonna miss you," she said to me. "What are you gonna do if you don't work here? And what brought this on?"
 
"Look at me!" I said. "What do you see?"
 
"I see a mess," Lula said. "You should take better care of yourself."
 
"I went after Sam Sporky this morning."
 
"Melon-head Sporky?"
 
"Yeah. Melon-head. I chased him through three yards. A dog tore a hole in my jeans. Some crazy old lady shot at me. And I finally tackled Sporky behind the Tip Top Cafe."
 
"Looks like it was garbage day," Lula said. "You don't smell too good. And you got something looks like mustard all over your ass. Least I hope that's mustard."
 
"There were a bunch of garbage bags at the curb and Melon-head rolled me into them. We made sort of a mess. And then when I finally got him in cuffs, he spit on me!"
 
"I imagine that's the glob of something stuck in your hair?"
 
"No. He spit on my shoe. Is there something in my hair?"
 
Lula gave an involuntary shiver.
 
"Sounds like a normal day," Connie said. "Hard to believe you're quitting because of Melon-head."
 
Truth is, I don't exactly know why I was quitting. My stomach feels icky when I get up in the morning. And I go to bed at night wondering where my life is heading. I've been working as a bounty hunter for a while now and I'm not the world's best. I barely make enough money to cover my rent each month. I've been stalked by crazed killers, taunted by naked fat men, firebombed, shot at, spat at, cussed at, chased by humping dogs, attacked by a flock of Canadian honkers, rolled in garbage, and my cars get destroyed at an alarming rate.
 
And maybe the two men in my life add to the icky feeling in my stomach. They're both Mr. Right. And they're both Mr. Wrong. They're both a little scary. I wasn't sure if I wanted a relationship with either of them. And I hadn't a clue how to choose between them. One wanted to marry me, sometimes. His name was Joe Morelli and he was a Trenton cop. Ranger was the other guy, and I wasn't sure what he wanted to do with me beyond get me naked and put a smile on my face.
 
Plus, there was the note that got slipped under my door two days ago. i'm back. What the heck did that mean? And the follow-up note tacked to my windshield. did you think i was dead?
 
My life is too weird. It's time for a change. Time to get a more sensible job and sort out my future.
 
Connie and Lula shifted their attention from me to the front door. The bonds office is located on Hamilton Avenue. It's a small two-room storefront setup with a cluttered storage area in the back, behind a bank of file cabinets. I didn't hear the door open. And I didn't hear footsteps. So either Connie and Lula were hallucinating or else Ranger was in the room.
 
Ranger is the mystery man. He's a half head taller than me, moves like a cat, kicks ass all day long, only wears black, smells warm and sexy, and is 100 percent pure perfectly toned muscle. He gets his dark complexion and liquid brown eyes from Cuban ancestors. He was Special Forces, and that's about all anyone knows about Ranger. Well hell, when you smell that good and look that good, who cares about anything else, anyway?
 
I can usually feel Ranger standing behind me. Ranger doesn't ordinarily leave any space between us. Today, Ranger was keeping his distance. He reached around me and dropped a file and a body receipt on Connie's desk.
 
"I brought Angel Robbie in last night," he said to Connie. "You can mail the check to RangeMan."
 
RangeMan is Ranger's company. It's located in an office building in center city and specializes in security systems and fugitive apprehension.
 
"I got big news," Lula said to Ranger. "I've been promoted to bounty hunter on account of Stephanie just quit."
 
Ranger picked a couple strands of sauerkraut off my shirt and pitched them into Connie's wastebasket. "Is that true?"
 
"Yes," I said. "I quit. I'm done fighting crime. I've rolled in garbage for the last time."
 
"Hard to believe," Ranger said.
 
"I'm thinking of getting a job at the button factory," I told him. "I hear they're hiring."
 
"I don't have a lot of domestic instincts," Ranger said to me, his attention fixing on the unidentifiable glob of goo in my hair, "but I have a real strong urge to take you home and hose you down."
 
I went dry mouthed. Connie bit into her lower lip, and Lula fanned herself with a file.
 
"I appreciate the offer," I told him. "Maybe some other time."
 
"Babe," Ranger said on a smile. He nodded to Lula and Connie and left the office.
 
No one said anything until he drove off in his shiny black Porsche Turbo.
 
"I think I wet my pants," Lula said. "Was that one of them double entendres?"
 
 
I drove back to my apartment, took a shower all by myself, and got dressed up in a stretchy white tank top and a tailored black suit with a short skirt. I stepped into four-inch black heels, fluffed up my almost shoulder-length curly brown hair, and added one last layer to my mascara and lipstick.
 
I'd taken a couple minutes to print out a résumé on my computer. It was pathetically short. Graduated with mediocre grades from Douglass College. Worked as a lingerie buyer for a cheap department store for a bunch of years. Got fired. Tracked down scumbags for my cousin Vinnie. Seeking management position in a classy company. Of course, this was Jersey and classy here might not be the national standard.
 
I grabbed my big black leather shoulder bag and yelled good-bye to my roomie, Rex-the-hamster. Rex lives in a glass aquarium on the kitchen counter. Rex is pretty much nocturnal so we're sort of like ships passing in the night. As an extra treat, once in a while I drop a Cheez Doodle into his cage and he emerges from his soup can home to retrieve the Doodle. That's about as complicated as our relationship gets.
 
I live on the second floor of a blocky, no-frills, three-story apartment building. My apartment looks out over the parking lot, which is fine by me. Most of the residents in my building are seniors. They're home in front of their televisions before the sun goes down, so the lot side is quiet at night.
 
I exited my apartment and locked up behind myself. I took the elevator to the small ground-floor lobby, pushed through the double glass doors, and crossed the lot to my car. I was driving a dark green Saturn SL2. The Saturn had been the special of the day at Generous George's Used Car Emporium. I'd actually wanted a Lexus SC 430, but Generous George thought the Saturn was more in line with my budget constraints.
 
I slid behind the wheel and cranked the engine over. I was heading off to apply for a job at the button factory and I was feeling down about it. I was telling myself it was a new beginning, but truth is, it felt more like a sad ending. I turned onto Hamilton and drove a couple blocks to Tasty Pastry Bakery, thinking a doughnut would be just the thing to brighten my mood.
 
Five minutes later, I was on the sidewalk in front of the bakery, doughnut bag in hand, and I was face-to-face with Morelli. He was wearing jeans and scuffed boots and a black V-neck sweater over a black T-shirt. Morelli is six feet of lean, hard muscle and hot Italian libido. He's Jersey guy smart, and he's not a man you'd want to annoy . . . unless you're me. I've been annoying Morelli all my life.
 
"I was driving by and saw you go in," Morelli said. He was standing close, smiling down at me, eyeing the bakery bag. "Boston creams?" he asked, already knowing the answer.
 
"I needed happy food."
 
"You should have called me," he said, hooking his finger into the neckline of my white tank, pulling the neck out to take a look inside. "I have just the thing to make you happy."
 
I've cohabitated with Morelli from time to time and I knew this to be true. "I have stuff to do this afternoon and doughnuts take less time."
 
"Cupcake, I haven't seen you in weeks. I could set a new land speed record for getting happy."
 
"Yeah, but that would be your happiness," I said, opening the bag, sharing the doughnuts with Morelli. "What about mine?"
 
"Your happiness would be top priority."
 
I took a bite of doughnut. "Tempting, but no. I have a job interview at the button factory. I'm done with bond enforcement."
 
"When did this happen?"
 
"About an hour ago," I said. "Okay, I don't actually have an interview appointment, but Karen Slobodsky works in the personnel office, and she said I should look her up if I ever wanted a job."
 
"I could give you a job," Morelli said. "The pay wouldn't be great but the benefits would be pretty decent."
 
"Gee," I said, "that's the second scariest offer I've had today."
 
"And the scariest offer would be?"
 
I didn't think it was smart to tell Morelli about Ranger's offer of a hosing down. Morelli was wearing a gun on his hip, and Ranger wore guns on multiple parts of his body. Seemed like a bad idea to say something that might ratchet up the competition between them.
 
I leaned into Morelli and kissed him lightly on the mouth. "It's too scary to share," I told him. He felt nice against me, and he tasted like doughnut. I ran the tip of my tongue along his lower lip. "Yum," I said.
 
Morelli's fingers curled into the back of my jacket. "Yum is a little mild for what I'm feeling. And what I'm feeling shouldn't be happening on the sidewalk in front of the bakery. Maybe we could get together tonight."
 
"For pizza?"
 
"Yeah, that too."
 
I'd been taking a time-out from Morelli and Ranger, hoping to get a better grip on my feelings, but I wasn't making much progress. It was like choosing between birthday cake and a big-boy margarita. How could I possibly decide? And probably I'd be better off without either, but jeez, that wouldn't be any fun.
 
"Okay," I said. "I'll meet you at Pino's."
 
"I was thinking my house. The Mets are playing and Bob misses you."
 
Bob is Morelli's dog. Bob is a big, orange, incredibly huggable shaggy-haired monster with an eating disorder. Bob eats everything.
 
"No fair," I said. "You're using Bob to lure me to your house."
 
"Yeah," Morelli said. "So?"
 
I blew out a sigh. "I'll be over around six."
 
 
I drove a couple blocks down Hamilton and left-turned onto Olden. The button factory is just beyond the city limits of north Trenton. At four in the morning, it's a ten-minute drive from my apartment. At all other hours, the drive time is unpredictable. I stopped for a red light at the corner of Olden and State and just as the light flashed green I heard the pop of gunshot behind me and the zing, zing, zing of three rounds tearing into metal and fiberglass. I was pretty sure it was my metal and fiberglass, so I floored the Saturn and sailed across the intersection. I crossed North Clinton and kept going, checking my rearview mirror. Hard to tell in traffic, but I didn't think anyone was following me. My heart was racing, and I was telling myself to chill. No reason to believe this was anything more than a random shooting. Probably just some gang guy having fun, practicing his sniping. You've got to practice somewhere, right?
 
I fished my cell phone out of my purse and called Morelli. "Someone's taking potshots at cars on the corner of Olden and State," I told him. "You might want to send someone over to check things out."
 
"Are you okay?"
 
"I'd be better if I had that second doughnut." Okay, so this was my best try at bravado. My hands were white- knuckled gripping the wheel and my foot was shaking on the gas pedal. I sucked in some air and told myself I was just a little excited. Not panicked. Not terrified. Just a little excited. All I had to do was calm down and take a couple more deep breaths and I'd be fine.
 
Ten minutes later, I pulled the Saturn into the button factory parking lot. The entire factory was housed in a mammoth three-story redbrick building. The bricks were dark with age, the old-fashioned double-hung windows were grimy, and the landscaping was lunar. Dickens would have loved it. I wasn't so sure it was my thing. But then, my thing wasn't clearly defined anymore.
 
I got out and walked to the rear of the car, hoping I'd been wrong about the gunshot. I felt another dump of adrenaline when I saw the damage. I'd taken three hits. Two rounds were embedded in the back panel and one had destroyed a rear light.
 
No one had followed me into the lot, and I didn't see any cars lingering on the road. Wrong place, wrong time, I told myself. And I would have believed it entirely if it hadn't been for my lousy previous job and the two notes. As it was, I had to back-burner some paranoia so as not to be in a terror-induced cold sweat while trying to talk some guy into hiring me.
 
I crossed the lot to the large glass double doors leading to the offices, and I sashayed through the doors into the lobby. The lobby was small with a chipped tile floor and seasick green walls. Somewhere, not far off, I could hear machines stamping out buttons. Phones rang in another part of the building. I approached the reception desk and asked for Karen Slobodsky.
 
"Sorry," the woman said. "You're two hours too late. She just quit. Stormed out of here like hurricane Slobodsky, yelling something about sexual harassment."
 
"So there's a job opening?" I asked, thinking my day was finally turning lucky.
 
"Sure looks that way. I'll buzz her boss, Jimmy Alizzi."
 
Ten minutes later, I was in Alizzi's office, sitting across from him. He was at his desk and his slight frame was dwarfed by his massive furniture. He looked to be in his late thirties to early forties. He had slicked-back black hair and an accent and skin tone that had me thinking Indian.
 
"I will tell you now that I am not Indian," Alizzi said. "Everyone thinks I am Indian, but that is a false assumption. I come from a very small island country off the coast of India."
 
"Sri Lanka?"
 
"No, no, no," he said, wagging his bony finger at me. "Not Sri Lanka. My country is even smaller. We are a very proud people, so you must be careful not to make ethnic slurs."
 
"Sure. You want to tell me the name of this country?"
 
"Latorran."
 
"Never heard of it."
 
"You see, already you are treading in very dangerous waters."
 
I squelched a grimace.
 
"So, you were a bounty hunter," he said, skimming over my résumé, eyebrows raised. "That is a quite exciting job. Why would you want to quit such a job?"
 
"I'm looking for something that has more potential for advancement."
 
"Oh dear, that would be my job you would eventually be seeking."
 
"Yes, well I'm sure it would take years, and then who knows . . . you might be president of the company by then."
 
"You are an outrageous flatterer," he said. "I like that. And what would you do if I were to ask you for sexual favors? Would you threaten to sue me?"
 
"No. I guess I'd ignore you. Unless you got physical. Then I'd have to kick you in a place that hurt a lot and you probably wouldn't be able to father any children."
 
"That sounds fair," he said. "It happens that I have an immediate position to fill, so you're hired. You can start tomorrow, promptly at eight o'clock. Do not be late."
 
Wonderful. I have a real job in a nice clean office where no one will shoot at me. I should be happy, yes? This was what I wanted, wasn't it? Then why do I feel so depressed?
 
I dragged myself down the stairs to the lobby and out to the parking lot. I found my car and the depression deepened. I hated my car. Not that it was a bad car. It just wasn't the right car. Not to mention, it would be great to have a car that didn't have three bullet holes in it.
 
Maybe I needed another doughnut.
 
 
A half hour later, I was back in my apartment. I'd stopped in at Tasty Pastry and left with a day-old birthday cake. The cake said Happy Birthday Larry. I don't know how Larry celebrated his birthday, but apparently it was without cake. Larry's loss was my gain. If you want to get happy, birthday cake is the way to go. This was a yellow cake with thick, disgusting white frosting made with lard and artificial butter and artificial vanilla and a truckload of sugar. It was decorated with big gunky roses made out of pink and yellow and purple frosting. It was three layers thick with lemon cream between the layers. And it was designed to serve eight people, so it was just the right size.
 
I dropped my clothes on the floor and dug into the cake. I gave a chunk of cake to Rex, and I worked on the rest. I ate all the pieces with the big pink roses. I was starting to feel nauseous, but I pressed on. I ate all the pieces with the big yellow roses. I had a purple rose and a couple roseless pieces left. I couldn't do it. I couldn't eat any more cake. I staggered into my bedroom. I needed a nap.
 
I dropped a T-shirt over my head and pulled on a pair of Scooby-Doo boxers with an elastic waist. God, don't you love clothes with elastic? I had one knee on the bed when I saw the note pinned to my pillowcase. be afraid. be very afraid. next time i'll aim higher.
 
I thought I'd be more afraid if I hadn't just eaten five pieces of birthday cake. As it was, I was mostly afraid of throwing up. I looked under the bed, behind the shower curtain, and in all the closets. No knuckle-dragging monsters anywhere. I slid the bolt home on the front door and shuffled back to the bedroom.
 
Now, here's the thing. This isn't the first time someone's broken into my apartment. In fact, people regularly break in. Ranger slides in like smoke. Morelli has a key. And various bad guys and psychos have managed to breach the three locks I keep on the door. Some have even left threatening messages. So I wasn't as freaked out as I might have been prior to my career in bounty huntering. My immediate feelings ran more toward numb despair. I wanted all the scary things to go away. I was tired of scary. I'd quit my scary job, and now I wanted the scary people out of my life. I didn't want to be kidnapped ever again. I didn't want to be held at knifepoint or gunpoint. I didn't want to be threatened, stalked, or run off the road by a homicidal maniac.
 
I crawled under the covers and pulled the quilt over my head. I was almost asleep when the quilt was yanked back. I let out a shriek and stared up at Ranger.
 
"What the heck are you doing?" I yelled at him, grabbing at the quilt.
 
"Visiting, Babe."
 
"Did you ever think about ringing a doorbell?"
 
Ranger smiled down at me. "That would take all the fun out of it."
 
"I didn't know you were interested in fun."
 
He sat on the side of the bed and the smile widened. "You smell good enough to eat," Ranger said. "You smell like a party."
 
"It's birthday cake breath. And are we looking at another double entendre?"
 
"Yeah," Ranger said, "but it's not going anywhere. I have to get back to work. Tank's waiting for me with the motor running. I just wanted to find out if you're serious about quitting."
 
"I got a job at the button factory. I start tomorrow."
 
He reached across and removed the note from the pillowcase next to me. "New boyfriend?"
 
"Someone broke in while I was out. And I guess he shot at me this afternoon."
 
Ranger stood. "You should discourage people from doing that. Do you need help?"
 
"Not yet."
 
"Babe," Ranger said. And he left.
 
I listened carefully, but I didn't hear the front door open or close. I got up and tiptoed through the apartment. No Ranger. All the locks were locked and the bolt was in place. I suppose he could have gone out the living room window, but he would have had to climb down the side of the building like Spider-Man.
 
The phone rang, and I waited to see the number pop up on my caller ID. It was Lula. "Yo," I said.
 
"Yo, your ass. You got some nerve sticking me with this job."
 
"You volunteered."
 
"I must've had sunstroke. A person has to be nuts to want this job."
 
"Something go wrong?"
 
"Hell, yes. Everything's wrong. I could use some assistance here. I'm trying to snag Willie Martin, and he's not cooperating."
 
"How uncooperative is he?"
 
"He hauled his nasty ass out of his apartment and left me handcuffed to his big stupid bed."
 
"That's pretty uncooperative."
 
"Yeah, and it gets worse. I sort of don't have any clothes on."
 
"Omigod! Did he attack you?"
 
"It's a little more complicated than that. He was in the shower when I busted in. You ever see Willie Martin naked? He is fine. He used to play pro ball until he made a mess of his knee and had to turn to boosting cars."
 
"Un hunh."
 
"Well, one thing led to another and here I am chained to his hunk-of-junk bed. Hell, it's not like I get it regular, you know. I'm real picky about my men. And besides, anybody would've jumped those bones. He's got muscles on muscles and a butt you want to sink your teeth into."
 
The mental image had me considering turning vegetarian.
 
 
Willie Martin lived in a third-floor loft in a graffiti-riddled warehouse that contained a ground-floor chop shop. It was located on the seven-hundred block of Stark Street, an area of urban decay that rivaled Iraqi bomb sites.
 
I parked behind Lula's red Firebird and transferred my five-shot Smith & Wesson from my purse to my jacket pocket. I'm not much of a gun person and almost never carry one, but I was sufficiently creeped out by the shooting and the notes that I didn't want to venture onto Stark Street unarmed. I locked the car, bypassed the rickety open-cage service elevator on the ground floor, and trudged up two flights of stairs. The stairwell opened to a small grimy foyer and a door with a size-nine high-heeled boot print on it. I guess Willie hadn't answered on the first knock and Lula got impatient.
 
I tried the doorknob, and the door swung open. Thank God for small favors because I'd never had any success at kicking in a door. I tentatively stuck my head in and called "Hello."
 
"Hello, yourself," Lula said. "And don't say no more. I'm not in a good mood. Just unlock these piece-of-crap handcuffs and stand back because I need fries. I need a whole shitload of fries. I'm having a fast-food emergency."
 
Lula was across the room, wrapped in a sheet, one hand cuffed to the iron headboard of the bed, the other hand holding the sheet together.
 
I pulled the universal handcuff key out of my pocket and looked around the room. "Where are your clothes?"
 
"He took them. Do you believe that? Said he was going to teach me a lesson not to go after him. I tell you, you can't trust a man. They get what they want and then next thing they got their tighty whities in their pocket and they're out the door. I don't know what he was so upset about, anyway. I was just doing my job. He said, 'Was that good for you?' And I said, 'Oh yeah, baby, it was real good.' And then I tried to cuff him. Hell, truth is it wasn't all that good, and besides, I'm a professional bounty hunter now. Bring 'em back dead or alive, with or without their pants, right? I had an obligation to cuff him."
 
"Yeah, well next time put your clothes on before you try to cuff a guy."
 
Lula unlocked the cuffs and tied a knot in the sheet to hold it closed. "That's good advice. I'm gonna remember that. That's the kind of advice I need to be a first-class bounty hunter. At least he forgot to take my purse. I'd be really annoyed if he'd taken my purse." She went to a chest on the far wall, pulled out one of Willie's T-shirts and a pair of gym shorts, and put them on. Then she scooped the rest of the clothes out of the chest, carried them to the window, and threw them out.
 
"Okay," Lula said, "I'm starting to feel better now. Thanks for coming here to help me. And good news, it looks like no one's stolen your car. I saw it still sitting at the curb." Lula went to the closet and scooped up more clothes. Suits, shoes, and jackets. All went out the window. "I'm on a roll now," she said, looking around the loft. "What else we got that can go out the window? You think we can fit his big-ass TV out the window? Hey, how about some kitchen appliances? Go get me his toaster." She crossed the room, grabbed a table lamp, and brought it to the window. "Hey!" she yelled, head out the window, eyes focused on the street. "Get away from that car. Willie, is that you? What the hell are you doing?"
 
I ran to the window and looked out. Willie Martin was whaling away at my car with a sledgehammer.
 
"I'll show you to throw my clothes outta the window," he said, taking a swing at the right rear quarter panel.
 
"You dumb premature ejaculator," Lula shouted at him. "You dumb-ass moron! That's not my car."
 
"Oh. Oops," Willie said. "Which one's your car?"
 
Lula hauled a Glock out of her purse, squeezed off two rounds in Willie's direction, and Willie left the scene. One of the rounds pinged off my car roof. And the other round made a small hole in my windshield.
 
"Must be something wrong with the sight on this gun," Lula said to me. "Sorry about that."
 
I trudged down the stairs and stood on the sidewalk examining my car. Deep scratch in roof from misplaced bullet. Hole in windshield plus embedded bullet in passenger seat. Bashed-in right rear quarter panel and right passenger-side door from sledgehammer. Previous damage from creepy gun attack by insane stalker. And someone had spray painted eat me on the driver's side door.
 
"Your car's a mess," Lula said. "I don't know what it is with you and cars."
 
Copyright 2005 by Evanovich, Inc.


Continues...




Excerpted from Eleven on Top
by Evanovich, Janet
Copyright © 2006 by Evanovich, Janet.
Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.


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Customer Reviews

Average Rating 4.5
( 527 )
Rating Distribution

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(332)

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(111)

3 Star

(51)

2 Star

(14)

1 Star

(19)

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See All Sort by: Showing 1 – 20 of 534 Customer Reviews
  • Anonymous

    Posted July 3, 2006

    It's more a romance than a mystery series

    The Stephanie Plum series is all about the romance. The relationship aspects of the series are the parts that the author plans out two to three books ahead of time. The rest of the story follows where she wants to take the relationships book to book. Sounds like more of a romantic comedy than a mystery series. The author will keep rolling out these books and her fans will keep eating them up. Why mess with a winning formula? I used to wish that the author would take this series further, stretch her creativity and talent and bring back some of the freshness that made the Stephanie Plum novels and characters so original. But I haven't seen anything new for at least half the series and now don't expect anything but more of the same each time I read. They're still entertaining but no longer exciting. Too bad. It used to be such a sassy series. Now it seems more lazy then anything else.

    9 out of 12 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Posted October 25, 2009

    not a good one

    This one was pretty bad. She dumbed Ranger down , having him use the word "babe" excessively ; totally stereotyping him. Stephanie - it was charming how she used to get her cars blown up, and have all these crazies stalk her in the first few books, but now it seems like the author is making her into one of "those" characters; practically a Mary Sue - She has every guy in RangeMan fawn over her because she's just so gorgeous. yeah, right, with all that crap she eats. That whole jelly doughnut business, felt like somebody, the author was trying to make her sound even more interesting then she really is, which was really obvious. And the banter between her and Ranger, I imagined him to be smarter then play a long with her games. And she babied morelli a lot, acted a total wife in a lot of the scenes. I couldn't believe she got credited for solving the crime, she did absolutely nothing. I like my characters to be smart enough to figure it out before the guy tells them about it himself. The author made Stephanie be like the perfect girl, she makes horrible mistakes, but they always, and I mean always lead to good things. She eats crap but can lose weight in a day. in reality, no matter what metabolism you've got, if you're over thirty and eat like she does you do not look good - if you're not fat, you at least get that unhealthy junk food glow - and yet she's perfection and everyone loves her. She's the one who always gets her man, no one has outshines her yet. And that's not realistic, even if the books are all about her, she needs to lose from time to time.
    Another thing about Stephanie, which is more to each their own then a character flow is her relationship with the two men in her life. I liked it in the beginning because the attraction with Ranger was sparse , she had strong enough morals to be faithful. Now, the groping and flirting, the kissing. She's become a real slut (using her own word). Morellie, and Ranger can do much better. Wish one of them was smart enough to leave her and her stupid games.

    By now I was expecting her parents, at least her mom to evolve a little bit more like a separate individual but still her only purpose in the books seems to be to say "oh you're going to be the death of me". After eleven books it's not enough for me anymore. It just serves to emphasis Stephanie's Mary sueness.

    lots more to say, but I'll leave it at that. Gonna take a long break from reading these books, but will probably return to them in the future.

    4 out of 7 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted October 6, 2005

    Tiresome

    The first book in this series was funny and entertaining. Now it is obvious that the author has run out of steam. All the characters sound the same. Glad I got this from the library.

    4 out of 5 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted July 24, 2005

    Very Enjoyable

    I have read all 11 in the Stephanie Plum series, and Janet keeps finding new things for Stephanie to do. This novel was just as good as all of the others in the series. The great sense of detail and the wonderful humor make this book one to spend time reading.

    2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted December 20, 2013

    Fun read...

    Plum's still going strong. I sandwitch Stephanie's books between dark and dangerous reads and completely enjoy the difference!

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted December 13, 2013

    Its the best

    I can never get enough of theses books. I want more and more.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted November 25, 2013

    This seems clearance sale by number so stock up

    Where else will you read about New Jersey? A good laugh per book is worth it. Whose idea to put them all up there this month? Never caught on they were numbered as had only borrowed from library out of order. However they are best enjoyed one at a time and far apart.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted March 20, 2012

    Highly Recommended !!!

    I love Stephanie Plum and this one is wonderful. I especially love Grandma and Mom....these ladies rock!!! Janet has a good thing going with this series. I have read and re-read all 18 of them. Top notch stuff and funny too. I find myself laughing out loud. Start with One and work your way up.

    1 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted March 18, 2012

    Stephanie

    Sooo funny and clever. Always a pleasure to read about the "walking disaster" that is Stephanie Plum. I took a break @#10 and now i cannot wait to read #12.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted March 6, 2012

    Highly Recommended

    I have read the entire series. Wish there was more books on this series.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted January 16, 2012

    Not that very good book number eleven

    It was not good

    Twelve was a much better book

    1 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted December 27, 2010

    more from this reviewer

    Entertaining and funny !

    I am so hooked on Stephanie Plum and thank goodness Janet Evanovich keeps the story like entertaining. The love / lust triangle between Stephanie, Joe Morelli, and Ranger is throbbing and funny and filled with tension. This is particularly interesting since Stephanie ends up working for Ranger at Ranger-man Security. Which good looking hunk will claim Stephanie this time. By the way Grandma Mazer, wow if I had a grandma like that Sunday dinners would happen 2 - 3 times a week - everyone needs to laugh more.

    1 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted January 17, 2010

    Evanovich is on top!

    At first, I wasn't so sure I liked the idea of Steph quitting her job as a bounty hunter, but it turned out okay since Steph was sure to keep things interesting! She was continually fired one way or another and soon began working for Ranger, which was another cool idea of Evanovich and kept things fresh in the series. Although I couldn't help think Steph was pushing the boundaries with Ranger (as she was technically Morelli's girl), it showed the reader (and Steph) what a romantic relationship with Ranger might be like. The actual plot, being a character of the past returning to kill Steph, was interesting as well. Although Steph thought she knew who the killer was (and the reader too), it turned out to be someone else entirely! This made the ending all the more exciting! Great book!

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted September 5, 2009

    more from this reviewer

    I Also Recommend:

    Another winner

    Janet Evanovich has scored again with a winner. I absolutely loved this book. The sexual tension between Stephanie, Morelli and Ranger keeps you wanting more and more. Of course there is always the side splitting humor with Lula, Grandma Mazur and Mr. & Mrs. Plum as well. The only bad thing with this book is having to wait for the next installment!

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted March 5, 2014

    Another great book

    Love this series

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  • Anonymous

    Posted December 27, 2013

    Highly recommended

    This book was funny and entertaining. It provided a nice diversion to life's daily stresses. There are parts in this book that just about every female can identify with; I know I did! A good, fast easy read.

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  • Posted December 19, 2013

    Another great book in this series.

    Another great book in this series.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted December 3, 2013

    Adgcv

    Whish i can rreab the hole thing

    0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted December 3, 2013

    love this series

    love this series

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted August 22, 2013

    Recommended for all with a funny bone

    I love Evanovich and each of her stories set you up knowing a funny one is coming on. Visualization of the funny is essential.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
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