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Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781452585178 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Balboa Press |
| Publication date: | 11/06/2013 |
| Pages: | 208 |
| Product dimensions: | 5.50(w) x 8.50(h) x 0.48(d) |
Read an Excerpt
Embrace Your Destiny
12 Steps to Living the Life You Deserve!
By Sandra Dawes
Balboa Press
Copyright © 2013 Sandra DawesAll rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4525-8517-8
CHAPTER 1
The Importance of Self-Love
"It's not what you are that holds you back; it's what you think you are not." ~ Denis Waitley
I grew up an only child and I remember hearing very early on that kids without brothers or sisters are selfish. It wasn't difficult to understand that the concept of selfishness was nothing to be proud of, and it was something that stuck with me for a very long time. As I grew older, I came to understand that being selfish meant putting yourself and your needs above those of others. I didn't want to become the stereotype of a selfish only child, so I did whatever was necessary to ensure that I would never own the negative title that I was supposedly destined for. Unfortunately, in my desire to not be viewed as someone who only looked out for themselves, I went in the complete opposite direction and put aside my own wants and desires, particularly when they conflicted with the desires of people I cared about. Often times, too, this took place with people whom I didn't have close ties with, simply because I was concerned about what they would think or say about me.
When I look at photos of myself as a young child, I sometimes find it hard to believe that kid is me. Who is that little girl who loves the camera, striking a pose in her bikini as a four-year-old on a beach? I look at those photos and they make me laugh. I was apparently quite the poser, with my hands on my hips and a big smile on my face! It's hard to imagine that somehow I grew up to be a woman who hates to have her picture taken, running away from the camera whenever possible. In fact, I'd rather be behind the camera than in front of it! Something must have happened along the way, since! I went from being a confident little girl, who thought she was capable of doing anything, to a self-conscious, insecure woman, who felt like she needed to prove to the world that she was worthy of its love. That four-year-old version of me knew something that I had forgotten somewhere along the way, and whatever it was, I needed to reconnect with it, and become the woman that girl expected (and I'm pretty sure would have demanded of me as well!). She didn't look like the kind of kid that was going to accept any excuses, but would demand only the best, because somehow she knew that was what she deserved. It was time for me to reunite with that feistiness and demand better for us!
To describe my former self as a chronic people pleaser would be to put it lightly. In hindsight, I feel like I often did the things I did not only to avoid the title of selfish brat, but because I didn't think that people could like or love me without a good reason to. I didn't see myself as someone that people could love just for being me. I needed to do favors, buy gifts and be agreeable or flexible in order for people to appreciate who I was. Don't get me wrong, that's not to say that I was always doing things that I didn't want to. I enjoy helping others and believe it is the gift that I was put in this world to share. The problem was that there was a time when I often did what I did not simply because I wanted to, or because my heart was in it, but because I expected undying love and gratitude in return for the things I did.
Having expectations of gratitude and unconditional love for the things I did for others led to a great deal of disappointment in my life. I expected my efforts to be matched by those whom I did things for. I would have never admitted it at the time, but the reality was that I was keeping score. I was keeping mental track of all I was doing for people in my life and was becoming disillusioned by the fact that no one seemed to be trying to keep up, never mind match me. It was a big step to admit to myself that I wasn't as selfless and charitable as I thought. Yes, I did give of myself, but if I was being honest, there were always strings attached. Whether I was always conscious of those strings is a completely different story. I thought I was being a good person, doing what needed to be done when I was asked to do it. There were times, however, when I felt tapped out, like I had nothing left to give, and if I was being asked to give, I would feel bad or guilty for not being willing or able to do the favor requested. There was no denying, however, that there was always a part of me that wondered, to quote Janet Jackson, "What have you done for me lately?"
Of course, keeping score of returned favors, love and affection led to resentment. What's interesting is that the resentment didn't manifest itself until my father passed away. I was so completely drained emotionally that I had nothing left to give, and I was looking to people who had asked for my support over the years to come and fill me up. When that didn't happen, I became angry. I had lost the one person I had relied on to be there for me, with whom I never kept score, and now there was no one to take his place and I felt totally lost. I completely withdrew. I no longer had the desire or inclination to do for others. I had become bitter and while that wasn't a space I was comfortable living in, I didn't know how to move beyond the emotions I was experiencing. I did know, however, that I didn't want to stay bitter. I didn't want what I was experiencing to change the type of person I wanted to be. I still wanted to be that kind, giving, loving person that people felt they could rely on, but I didn't know how. My "cup" was empty, and I didn't know how to replenish my supply so that I could open my heart again.
It took a long time to discover what the problem at the core of my people pleasing and resentment was: I had forgotten how to love and honor myself. In my desire to please others, I had completely ignored myself, and it was the part of me that had neglected that was now crying out for attention. My father was no longer there to show me that I was loved, lovable and loving. I was going to have to figure out how to do it for myself. I was going to have to get to know and love myself in a way that I probably hadn't since I was that little girl on a beach in a two-piece bathing suit posing and smiling like she could conquer the world. When I started listening to Louise Hay, and other empowering women like Carolyn Myss and Susan Jeffers, I came to the realization that I wasn't alone in my struggle. There were chronic people pleasers everywhere, and we were all at various stages of burnout! We had put aside our needs and desires for so long that we were now running on empty, uncertain and unsure as to how we got there or how to recuperate and re-energize.
It was in listening to the experiences of others that I came to the realization that if I wanted the people around me to love and respect me, then I needed to start doing those things for myself. Of course, that can be easier said than done, but I knew enough to understand that I needed to work on the relationship I had with myself if I was going to have healthy relationships with the people I cared about. One of the first lessons I learned was the need to do for myself what I was willing to do for others. I used to be one of those people who had a hard time justifying spending money on myself for anything: a new coat, new shoes, a hot new dress. Yet, when I was buying a gift for someone else, money would be no object. Rather, my goal was to buy a memorable gift, one that would remind the recipient of me when they saw it. I still don't think there's anything wrong with meaningful gift giving, but I got to the point where I had to challenge myself and ask: Why did I not think I was worthy of the kinds of gifts I gave others?. Why was the sky the limit for others and not for myself?
The realization that I didn't love, value or honor myself didn't leave me feeling good at all. I was troubled by the fact that there was something in my subconscious that allowed me to feel the need to prove my worthiness for love to others, because I didn't believe it myself. It was an issue that ran deep to the core. I simply didn't believe I was good enough. My self-esteem and self-confidence were so low that it didn't take much for me to question myself, what I wanted or what I was capable of. When people got angry with me, even when logically I knew I hadn't done anything wrong, I would find myself apologizing and feeling bad, blaming myself for my part in their anger and frustration. I didn't know how to stand up for myself. The worry or fear that someone was angry or upset with me would cause sleepless nights! I would create possible consequences and negative outcomes in my mind, and convince myself that these scenarios were in fact inevitable. It was exhausting, and they were the kind of mind games that could drive you crazy if you let them. I was finally coming to the point where I was no longer willing to live like this. I had to take control of my life. I had to reprogram myself into believing that I was worth all the amazing things in life that I wished for others.
I started by giving myself permission to treat myself. One of the first things I did was treat my birthday as its own "national holiday." No matter which day my birthday fell on, I would take the day off and use it as a day of pampering. This usually included a day at the spa and dinner at a favorite restaurant, with or without a date! I also started to take better care of myself. I became more mindful of the foods I was eating and started to do more physical activity. I was looking to connect with things that brought me joy and made me happy. I had always wanted a dog, which, when I was growing up, wasn't an option because my parents didn't want a dog living in the house. Since we lived in Canada, keeping a dog outside wasn't an option, so no dog. While I had thought about it ever since I moved out on my own, the peanut gallery was rampant: dogs are too much responsibility, they cost too much money, you live in a condo, and so on and so on. With just a few days before my thirty-first birthday, I decided to ignore the naysayers and got my first dog, Lulu, who I found on a rescue website. It was love at first sight! She was only four months old when I got her, and even though she has since managed to annihilate a leather couch and a few pairs of shoes, she is the best gift I have ever given myself to date.
It was a big adjustment to deal with the idea of not having to wait for anyone to do something nice for me in order to feel loved or valued. The idea that I could do what I wanted for myself was empowering, if not a little bit scary. It made me realize that I had been giving my power away for far too long. I realized that I didn't have to sit back and wonder when someone was going to give me what I wanted; I could actually do it for myself without anyone's permission. I had to be enough for me! I needed to be comfortable in my own skin and know that any limitations I perceived in my life were ones that I had created for myself. Instead of becoming my worst critic, I was learning to become my greatest cheerleader. For the first time in my life, I was beginning to realize that I was the one truly in charge of my own happiness. I didn't need anyone else to make me feel loved or worthy; I just needed to believe it in my own heart. Once I understood that, things started to shift in dramatic ways.
Of course in reality, when you start on a path of self-awareness and self-love, there are going to be people around you who wonder what is going on! All of a sudden, you're comfortable saying "no," and you don't feel the need to justify it. You start to release the need of being a martyr, and are no longer afraid to ask for help or to admit that you aren't a superhero. Friends and family wonder why all of a sudden you're smiling more, finding new hobbies and interests, and (most importantly) finding your voice. When you love and honor yourself, you are able to ask for what you want, and let people know what is no longer acceptable for you in your life. You know your worth, and you know that no matter what others might think, you are indeed enough, and are worthy of the best that life has to offer. You become comfortable establishing boundaries and making sure that you do only the things that feel right for you, guided by your heart and not the opinions, desires or needs of others.
The shift from people pleaser to lover-of-self is going to be seen by many as a move towards selfishness. You may even feel uncomfortable reading this, thinking the very same thing. I think it is necessary to make a distinction between loving ourselves and being full of ourselves. For me, when you are coming from a place of ego, you do what you do not from a place of self-love, but from a place of exclusion. It's about feeling that you deserve something that others don't, that you are somehow better or more worthy of love, time or affection than the other people in your life. That's not what I'm talking about when I refer to self-love. When I talk about putting your needs, wants and desires first, I mean not sacrificing yourself in the effort to help someone else. My favorite analogy in describing this is the example of the emergency landing routine that is presented to passengers before a plane takes off. The airline crew always tells you that in the event of an emergency, when the oxygen masks descend, make sure to secure your own mask before assisting anyone else in your care. To me, that is the best way to think about loving and taking care of yourself. If you don't make sure that you are okay, then how can you be of any use to the people in your life?
While you may experience resistance to your shift to take care of yourself and to put your needs first, don't let that deter you from the journey! We've all heard the saying that there are people in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. If there are people in your life who cannot appreciate the fact that you need to take care of yourself, then, as sad as it might be to come to terms with it, you're probably better off without them. The people in your life who love you and truly care about you and your well-being will always want the best for you. It may take them some time to adjust to the "new you." But in the long run, your relationships will flow a lot easier when you take back the power over the emotions you experience and know that no matter what, you will always be there to love, honor and support yourself through anything you experience. When you stop keeping score and stop needing to be needed, the relationships in your life will transform in ways that you could have never imagined!
Understanding that I had to recognize and appreciate my own value was an important lesson for me. I had to believe that I was worth loving, not because of what I could do or give someone, but simply because of who I was at my core. I was devaluing myself in all areas of my life, from what I was worth as a friend or lover, to what I was worth as an employee. I was so busy trying to convince everyone in my life that I was worthy of love, that I was becoming unsure of it myself! How we get to the place in our lives where we think so little of ourselves that our worth is defined by external things is probably a subject for a book all on its own. So many of us define ourselves by what we do, what we have or who we are associated with. The reality is that none of those things are permanent. Our vocation can change, we can lose our belongings in a natural disaster or due to theft, and relationships we thought would stand the test of time can turn out to be not so permanent. So what are we left with? We are left with ourselves, our values, our beliefs and our capacity to learn and to love.
It took a long time to come to grips with the fact that I didn't need to prove my worthiness to anyone but myself. I was the one who needed to know what my value was and what my contribution to the greater good would be. In fact, it had nothing to do with my capacity to spend, or my unwillingness to say no to others. It was about the knowledge that when I am able to love and honor myself, I won't feel the need to prove myself to anyone, and I am free to live my truth, an authentic life for me. The freedom that has come with this knowledge is immeasurable, and it is something I help others gain in the work that I do.
* * *
Tips and Tools to Improve Self-Love
Reconnect with your passions!
We often get so caught up in the daily grind that we neglect to do things that bring us joy. Whether it's reading romance novels, taking dance classes or learning a new language – do it! Doing things that make our heart sing is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves.
Pamper yourself!
Putting aside some "me" time is a definite must! Whether it's a monthly massage or a soak in the tub with a nice glass of wine, make sure that you make it a habit. Book yourself some down time. It doesn't have to be anything extravagant, it just has to be something that lets you relax and recharge!
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Embrace Your Destiny by Sandra Dawes. Copyright © 2013 Sandra Dawes. Excerpted by permission of Balboa Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Contents
Preface, ix,Acknowledgements, xi,
In the beginning, xiii,
Chapter 1: The Importance of Self-Love, 1,
Chapter 2: Taking Back My Power, 15,
Chapter 3: You Are Not Alone, 29,
Chapter 4: Giving Up the Chase, 45,
Chapter 5: Finding Joy in All Things, 59,
Chapter 6: It's All About Perspective, 73,
Chapter 7: Stop Taking Things Personally!, 87,
Chapter 8: Releasing Judgment, 101,
Chapter 9: Don't Overthink It!, 115,
Chapter 10: Stepping Outside Your Comfort Zone, 129,
Chapter 11: Have Faith, 143,
Chapter 12: Forgiveness, 157,
Where Do We Go From Here?, 171,
About the Author, 181,
Contact Sandra, 183,