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English as a Second F*cking Language
By Sterling Johnson St. Martin's Press
Copyright © 1995 Sterling Johnson
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4299-9746-1
CHAPTER 1
FUCK
Fuck is the mother of all words. Short and effective, it gets to the root of creation.
The euphemisms for fuck are cumbersome and inexact. One example will make our point:
example:
Romeo:
I want to engage in sexual intercourse with you.
Juliet:
Sorry, I don't have time. I thought you just wanted to fuck.
Some Romeo! What a namby-pamby mouthful! In the time it takes to say it, you could fuck a half-dozen times.
Fuck is sometime called the F-Word. Avoid that term. Just say fuck.
fuck
The word's meaning, both as noun and verb, is sexual and positive. However, many of its extended, nonsexual meanings can be negative.
example:
Sigmund: How come you're mad at Carl?
Rudolph: The no-good fuck fucked me out of ten dollars.
fuck around
This sometimes means to fuck people other than your mate. It can also mean to engage in idle fun.
example:
Dwight: Phoebe, dear, were you fucking around with anyone while I was at the shoe-clerk convention?
Phoebe: Gosh no, honey. I spent my time fucking around by myself in the garden.
Dwight: Odd. I found a used condom under our bed, and it wasn't mine.
Phoebe: Huh, where do you suppose it came from?
fuck it
The non-sexual meaning is similar to "the hell with it." It's a useful term for dismissing nonessential or irrelevant matters.
example:
Nadine: Arnold, if we don't pay this phone bill by noon today, they'll shut off our service.
Arnold: Fuck it. There's no one I want to talk to, anyway.
fuck up
As a noun, fuck-up refers to a botched situation or an incompetent person. As a verb, fuck up refers to the action that caused it.
example:
Henry: That job turned out to be a real fuck-up.
Eugene: That's because that fuck-up Jackson was in charge. He could fuck up a wet dream.
Fuck you!
This is one of the most useful phrases in the lexicon of swears. It eliminates the need to argue — or even reason — with people whose purposes or opinions are different from your own.
example:
(NOTE: Marcel's words are italicized to indicate that he is acting them out rather than speaking them.)
Marcel:Could you spare $5 to support the mime foundation?
Frank: Fuck you!
example:
Officer: I'm sorry I had to ticket you, but the radar clocked you at five miles over the limit. Have a nice day!
Mort: Fuck you!
EQUIVALENTS OF FUCK
There are a number of equivalents for the word fuck. Our panel sees no need for them, but we offer a few for informational purposes.
VERBS
ball
This comes from the expression "to have a ball" — a good time. The "ball" in this case refers to a gala event, not a testicle. However, in order to ball, you need to have the testicular type of ball. You only need one, but two is the norm.
example:
Norm: What happened with the girl you met at the ball last night?
Al: She grabbed my left ball, so we left the ball and I balled her.
bang
Of the many aggressive words for fuck, this is the most common. Others include boff and thump.
examples:
Dexter: Did I tell you I banged that blonde waitress from the Reno Diner?
Baxter: I thought you said you boffed the redhead.
Dexter: Right. I thumped them both
Baxter: You sure have a way with the ladies!
dick
This term comes from the tool used in the act.
example:
William: When does a gigolo bill his client?
Richard: After he dicks her.
get it, etc.
Combinations with get that mean fuck include: get a little, get in, get it, get it on, get laid, get some, and get your ashes hauled.
hide the weenie
This is a jocular way to say fuck. Avoid it.
lay
This is a mild term for fuck, and a common one. It's based on the strange idea that people always lay down to fuck (see basket fuck in the IDIOMS section).
screw
Except in a basket fuck (see the IDIOMS section) there is no actual rotation involved. Like fuck, screw can have a negative, non-sexual meaning.
example:
Sergio: I screwed up my math test; now I can't go on the class beach picnic.
Andre: Then you won't get fucked; it looks like you're screwed.
NOUNS
lay
fuck
piece of ass
quickie
FUCK ANALYSIS
Night at the Opera
John: Mary, would you like to attend the opera this evening?
Mary: Fucking-A. Should I wear my black dress?
John: Why the fuck not?
Mary: Fucked if I know — Oh, fuck! I just remembered. It got fucked up in the wash.
John: Well, fuck the opera, let's stay home and fuck.
Mary: Good fucking idea.
1. Fucking-A: This is a strong affirmation.
2. the fuck: This is an intensifier.
3. Fucked: This is short for "I'll be fucked if I know," which has nothing to do with actual fucking. It's the equivalent of "I'll be damned if I know," which has nothing to do with damnation. In other words: "I don't know."
4. Oh, fuck! This is an interjection. The Oh isn't necessary; Fuck! by itself is a complete interjection.
5. fucked up: This means damaged.
6. fuck: Here, fuck is used in a negative sense, similar to, "The hell with the opera."
7. fuck: Here, fuck is used in its primary sense.
8. fucking: A novice might think the intended meaning is: "This is a good idea about fucking." In fact fucking in the sexual sense isn't intended; the word is merely an intensifier. And a fucking good one at that.
CHAPTER 2
SODOMY
Said a jolly old chap from Siam:
"For fucking I don't give a damn.
You may think it odd o' me,
But I prefer sodomy;
They call me a bugger
— I am."
Oscar Wilde
The jolly old chap in the poem had a preference for sodomy. For others it is merely a make-do arrangement, a substitute for fucking. Because of the dangers associated with the practice, our panel avoids it. One such danger was cited by Samuel Taylor Coleridge in The Return of the Ancient Mariner. In that epic sequel, the poet describes what happened when a reluctant cabin boy was subjected to sodomy:
... then that naughty little nipper,
He lined his ass
With broken glass
And circumcised the skipper.
'Nuff said?
NEED TO KNOW
ass-fuck
bugger
butt-fuck
NICE TO KNOW
bum-fuck
corn-hole
back-scuttle
Greek
FORGET IT
rear entry
back-door banditry
CHAPTER 3
HIS
The ancient Romans referred to the male organ as a penis. When in Rome, our panel does what the Romans do.
But we're not in Rome!
We call it a cock, a prick, or a dick — and a good many other names besides — but never a penis.
A number of names for the cock are common men's names. Besides calling a prick a dick, you might also call it a peter, a willy, or a John Thomas.
That may seem a little silly, but it makes more sense than calling it abetty, a mary, or a lillian.
The naming of dicks can go to extremes of delicacy. Sometimes the organ is not even mentioned.
examples:
Mary: I just saw an old X-rated film with John Holmes. That guy was really big.
Bruce: I suppose he was pretty tall — for an actor
Mary: No — I mean he was really big.
Bruce: Oh, yes. He was very successful — for a porn star.
Mary: No — you needle-dicked moron! I mean he was really BIG!
This refusal to name the male member played a part in an excellent exchange of graffiti that our panel of experts traced to the "No Name" bar on Hudson Street in New York City. There, in 1965, an anonymous immortal wrote on the men's room wall:
"I'm 9 inches — are you interested?"
Beneath that, another immortal responded:
"Interested? I'm fascinated! But how big is your prick?"
Reluctance to mention the dick has a parallel in a common expression in which the dick is mentioned, but is absent; i.e., dickless. Logic tells us that the expression refers to women. Logic is wrong. It refers to men who show little courage or gumption. It's often used in combination with "wonder."
example:
Stanley: How come Larry didn't make our men's group's annual whorehouse tour?
Oliver: His wife wouldn't let him.
Stanley: Jesus! That dickless wonder wouldn't stand up to a meter maid.
A dick exists in two states. The first is the limp state. In its proper place, there's nothing wrong with a limp dick — although when you call someone a limp dick, you're suggesting they're ineffectual — impotent.
example:
Vernon: Gosh, I've got to pee really bad. I wonder if anybody would mind if I left the poker game for a few minutes.
Rocco: No, you limp dick. In fact, we wouldn't mind if you left permanently.
Like Vernon, a limp dick can be pretty useless. On the other hand, you can't beat it when it comes to pissing.
However, when you do want to beat it, or fuck with it, or hang horseshoes on it — it had better be hard. Which brings us to:
HARD TIMES
A sage once observed, "A stiff prick has no conscience."
Other sages have confirmed that opinion. A man with a stiff prick is thinking of one thing — or variations of that one thing. The thing, of course, is fucking — or variations thereof.
The most common term for a stiff dick is a hard-on. It should be obvious how it got its name.
Other names for a dick in that state include:
blue-veiner:
So hard that blue veins are standing out on it in bas- relief.
example:
Clem: How did your date with Suzie go?
Jody: Not so good. Every time I looked at her I got such a blue-veiner it drained the blood from my head and I fainted. I never did get laid.
boner:
Seems to have a bone in it. This word can cause confusion, since "boner" also refers to a mistake or faux pas.
example:
Annie: They tell me Chris committed a real boner by showing up at the nudist-colony dinner with a hard-on.
Ginnie: I was there. What a boner!
diamond-cutter:
Hard enough to cut diamonds with.
example:
Anita: A diamond is a girl's best friend.
Marilyn: And a diamond-cutter ain't exactly her enemy!
rail:
Also rail on. Both refer to a prick that's straight as a rail. The poet Kareem Roka described such a hard-on in the following verse:
There once was fellow named Waylon,
Who stood up in a boat with a rail on.
"It's a mast," he declared,
As his organ he bared,
"And it's perfect for hanging a sail on."
rod:
Also rod on. Both refer to a prick that's hard as an iron rod.
example:
Nelson: My girlfriend is a hobosexual.
Harold: Do you mean homo sexual?
Nelson: No, hobosexual. She likes to ride my rod.
stiffy:
We won't patronize you by explaining this term.
BALLS
"Balls!" cried the queen — "If I had them I'd be king!" from Rudyard Kipling'sQueen Victoria's Lament
The word testicles is Latin for "little witnesses." Any man who wants to use that term to refer to his balls should be castrated. Don't get fancy: call them your balls or your nuts.
cod
This is a fine old word for the scrotum — the pouch that holds a man's balls. In the plural, it's used for the balls themselves. The word is most familiar in the expressioncod piece, the decorative cup Elizabethan dandies wore to enhance their pants. Today, rock 'n' roll stars beef up their meat with cod pieces — in addition to such trouser-stuffers as potatoes, zucchinis, and rolled-up winter socks.
family jewels
Balls are as treasured as jewels and are definitely a family matter. Without them there would be no families.
nuts
This term is almost as common as "balls." The term "nuts" also describes someone who is crazy. Don't confuse the two.
example:
Hector: Sigmund is crazy. He stood there on the podium in front of the TV cameras scratching his nuts.
Andre: His nuts?
Hector: His nuts!
Andre: He's nuts!
nads
We're dead set against using a scientific term such as gonads, but we find this shortened form an agreeable substitute, if used sparingly.
example:
Placido: My, Luciano, your voice certainly seemed high during Don Giovanni last night.
Luciano: Yours would be too, if you'd been kicked in the nads by a 260-pound soprano!
rocks
Usually used in the expression get one's rocks off, meaning, to have an orgasm — to "come." Rocks can also mean "courage."
example:
Artie: Sam was screwing Louie's girl when Louie walked into the bedroom with a straight razor in his hand. Sam didn't pay any attention; he just kept going until he got his rocks off.
Jerome: Boy, Sam's sure got rocks!
Artie: Not any more he doesn't.
sack
The pouch that holds a man's balls. Sometimes called nut sack.
NEED TO KNOW
balls
cock
dick
hard-on
nuts
prick
NICE TO KNOW
cod
johnson
love Luger
one-eyed monster
pecker
peter
putz
rod
schlong
schmuck
skin flute
trouser trout
FORGET IT
banana
pee-pee tail
penis
wiener
weenie
CHAPTER 4
HERS
Pardon, Madam, but I must be blunt —I have to say I much admire your cunt.
Edward de Vere (1550-1604)
De Vere was a gentleman of the old school. True, he spoke bluntly — but always to the point. He could have called it "Love's sweet quiver," "the delta of Venus," "the tufted love mound" — or some other sort of poetic nonsense. But why pussy-foot around?
To quote the words of Robert Burns — another no- nonsense poet:
A cunt's a cunt for a' that.
cunt
The word "cunt" is specific — a wonder of clarity. The Latin term vagina is flawed. (See WARNING section.) Cunt is an old word, a solid word, a good word. Use it.
beaver
Because a woman's pubic hair seems like beaver fur to some people (although not to any member of our panel!), we call the visible area of the cunt a beaver. (Seeshooting beaver in the IDIOMS section.)
box
So named because it's a container for a prick. (See box lunch at the Y in the IDIOMS section.)
bush
Unless they're bald, all cunts are bushes.
coozy
Perhaps this comes from the word "cozy." Often shortened to cooze.
crack
Well, it looks like a crack — to the untrained eye.
down there
This odd phrase is used by parochial school girls, who learn it from the nuns. Don't confuse it with Australia, which is called "down under."
example:
Eve: G'day, mate. Would you like to touch me down there?
Adam: In Australia?
Eve: Not in the continent, you silly wanker! In the cunt!
hair pie
It looks like a wedge of pie rather than the whole pie. But there's no need to quibble — just enjoy a piece.
muff
If you've ever slipped your hand into the warmth of a cozy fur muff, you'll know where this term came from. If you haven't done that, just take our word for it: Muff is a good synonym for cunt. Used almost exclusively in combination with dive. (See muff- diving in the MATTERS OF TASTE section)
nooky
This can be used to describe an individual cunt. Usually it's used in the collective sense.
example:
Jan: You getting much nooky lately?
Dean: No.
pink
This collective term derives from the pink interior of a cunt. It came into vogue after popular magazines grew more explicit in their full-color spreads.
example:
Bradley: Have you seen the wonderful new Ansel Adams exhibit at the National Gallery?
Jeffrey: No. I lost interest in black and white photography after Vogue magazine started showing pink
poontang
The words cunt, pussy, snatch, twat, and quim are used in both the singular and the collective sense. Poontang is used only in the collective sense.
example:
Marie: You look so pensive Louis, standing there in the twilight, surveying the gardens below. What are you thinking about?
Louis: Poontang.
pussy
Furry, soft, and warm — but it doesn't go, "Meow." At least no one on our panel has ever known one that did.
quim
A nice old-fashioned word. Like twat, its origins are vague. Also, like twat, its prime meaning is cunt.
snatch
So called because pricks seem to be snatched into its confines.
Texas snapping turtle
A highly developed snatch.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from English as a Second F*cking Language by Sterling Johnson. Copyright © 1995 Sterling Johnson. Excerpted by permission of St. Martin's Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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