Enlightened Stepmother: Revolutionizing the Role


Becoming a stepmother is a life-altering event in any woman's life. The issues are extraordinarily complex and women are overwhelmingly unprepared. Yet concerns usually focus on the effect remarriage has on the children. The Enlightened Stepmother approaches the subject from a totally new perspective — that of the stepmother. Based on information — sometimes controversial — from stepmoms of all ages, occupations and lifestyles, who know from experience what works, what doesn't ...

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Becoming a stepmother is a life-altering event in any woman's life. The issues are extraordinarily complex and women are overwhelmingly unprepared. Yet concerns usually focus on the effect remarriage has on the children. The Enlightened Stepmother approaches the subject from a totally new perspective — that of the stepmother. Based on information — sometimes controversial — from stepmoms of all ages, occupations and lifestyles, who know from experience what works, what doesn't and why —

  • What you need to know about your new family before you become part of it.
  • How to get off to the right start. (It's hard to change a relationship once you've taken the path of least resistance.)
  • How to prevent, rather than cure, the stepmom's classic pitfalls.
  • What you need to recognize about your relationship with your husband's children.
  • How to handle relationships between your kids and his.
  • Why you need to give your marriage top priority.
  • How to make sure others are aware that this is your life too.
  • Why you need to develop a working relationship with your stepchildren's mother.
  • How to understand the inevitable stages every stepfamily passes through.
  • How to overcome the guilt of not loving — or even liking — your stepchildren.
  • How to avoid feeling guilty in circumstances over which you have no control.
  • Why a successful stepfamily is as unique as every stepmom.


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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780380796045
  • Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
  • Publication date: 3/28/1999
  • Pages: 464
  • Sales rank: 605,924
  • Product dimensions: 5.25 (w) x 8.00 (h) x 1.04 (d)

Meet the Author

Perdita Kirkness Norwood, stepmother to four now-adult children, is a stepmother advocate who leads support groups, focus groups and workshop on the subject. She lives in Connecticut.

Teri Wingender is a freelance newpaper and magazine writer. She lives in New York.

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Read an Excerpt

Chapter One

The Enlightened Stepmother's Self-Portrait

Your Goals: Now and Later

There's something wonderful about the future, no matter how much were encouraged to "live in the present." Our goals and dreams are pristine, made perfect by hope and determination. Best of all, they're possible. (Writing this book for you was one of ours.)

How does joining a stepfamily work with your life's plans?

It's a key question, usually asked in reverse, as in "How can you fit into your stepfamily's lives?" Stepmothers need to be wary of falling into that mind-set. You're not a piece of furniture for which a corner must be found. (If others stubbornly persist in viewing you as furniture, make sure they see a sturdy, steady, solid piece in prime condition that rightfully claims a central position!)

This is the time to get to know yourself as thoroughly as possible so you can decide if you are ready, willing, and, most important, able to handle what lies ahead. In "Stepmom's Quick Primer," number 10 is especially relevant This is your life too. Your hopes and dreams are as important as those of every member of your prospective stepfamily.

Some of your personal goals will require an investment in time, some in money, others, just plain grit. A trek in Nepal? Founding a new charity? Maybe you want to start trying to conceive a child as soon as you're married. When you know where you wish to head and what you need to get there, you can take the proactive route. If you're just considering stepmotherhood, this will be the firststage in deciding if that choice will work for you. If you're already a stepmom and want to take better control of your life, we will show you the way.

Don't "Second Best" Yourself

If you compromise on an issue you consider non-negotiable, you will live to become resentful. If you join your stepfamily accepting second best for your life, you will be expected to continue to do so. Follow-up interviews with new stepmothers indicated that in less than a year, some had "learned" to "put up" with what in any other social situation they would have considered intolerable. Why? As one stepmom put it: "For the sake of peace." What was intolerable — the stress of putting their feelings, opinions, and desires on the back burner while trying to forge new relationships — had become routine.

Sacrificing your goals to fulfill the wishes of your new family does not work. This is not being selfish; this is being realistic.

In your list of priorities, there will probably be some issues about which you feel more flexible. Moving to a bigger home to accommodate visiting stepchildren might not be financially feasible, but building a modest addition in a year might be. A honeymoon in Tahiti may blow six months' mortgage payments, so you may be willing to settle for a delayed, or different, wedding trip. But if you want to continue to volunteer with your community theater after the wedding excitement is over, you need to make sure that your avocation and time are respected.

Yes, there are emergencies and plans that go awry, but the importance of knowing your goals is to see if your life and a commitment to a stepfamily are going to make a good match.

You need to feel that the power to fulfill your dreams remains in your hands in spite of the unexpected.

A Stepmother for Every Season

During the course of our interviews, we discovered issues that were important to stepmothers in similar age groups. Depending on the stage of life you're in, you can use the following sketches as a guide to your own reflections:

The Tender Twenties

If you are in your twenties now, stepchildren are probably the last thing on your mind — until you meet that special man who happens to have a child or two from a previous marriage or relationship. If you are truly serious, perhaps even considering giving up your carefully made plans and marrying right now, consider how these young children will impact your life. They will become partly your responsibility. Are you ready for this? You may be a college graduate with a fledgling career, or part-way through your studies. Perhaps you didn't complete your degree but are planning to return to college later. If you become a full-time or part-time stepmother, will you be able to spare the time and energy from your career or schooling to help support a ready-made family?

Maybe you're working as a saleswoman in the top boutique in your town, with an eye toward becoming a partner in the business someday. If your mate has part-time care of two little daughters, are there adequate child-care provisions to allow for the hours you need to put in at the shop? Consider the effect on your carefree life not only of a husband but of two young people as well who will become integral to your everyday planning and thinking.

If your husband pays child support and alimony (sometimes called "maintenance") these expenses may stretch many years in front of you — when money's tight, will you be able to further your education in pursuit of a better job or be able to afford your first home (or first child) together? Do you want to see the world before you take on responsibilities for other people besides yourself? Think about whether you feel you've had a chance to experience life with a capital L before you commit to stepfamily domesticity. Are you ready to help raise his children, when you don't even think you want one of your own yet?

It's sometimes difficult to think long-term when you're just starting out, but your talent and potential should have all the room in the world to grow.

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Sort by: Showing all of 8 Customer Reviews
  • Anonymous

    Posted March 30, 2005

    A must read for stepmothers and their husbands!

    I have been a part time stepmother for the past year to three children and have felt overwhelmed and unappreciated. This book has repeatedly reassured me that all my feelings are shared with other stepmothers. Prior to reading this book, I felt alone and evil when various thoughts, feelings, and negative situations entered my life. With the help of this book, I now know I am not alone and everything I think, feel, and deal with is normal. I have highlighted and shared many portions of the book with my husband to show him my thoughts, feelings, and our situation is not unique.

    2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted March 2, 2009


    I am a new and young step mom. This book was great! It helped me with the visits to the kids before I met them, his ex-wife, and then meeting the kids. I suggest reading this book before you meet the kids, so that you can understand where they are coming from and some problems that you may face. My Fiance also read this book so he could understand my feelings, and what situations can be bothersome to me that he might not realize. We hace kept this book and refer to it when needed. Plus in the book it gives examples of all possible situations, and further reading recomendations!

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  • Anonymous

    Posted June 11, 2005

    This book should be called 'The EMPOWERED Stepmother'

    I just finished reading this excellent book written from the stepmother's perspective. It has made me realize that the difficulties I experience are normal and I am not alone. I wish I had read this book before becoming a stepmother so I would have been prepared for some of the unexpected situations that occured. It has really empowered me to stand up for myself and realize that in a stepfamily, it isn't just about how the children are affected. Thank you!!!

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  • Anonymous

    Posted August 19, 2003

    I'm not alone!!!

    What a relief! I thought I was the only step-mom with these types of issues. This book covered all the problems that my family deals with and offers common-sense solutions to them. I wish I knew about this book before I ventured into a blended family because it would have helped me to prepare myself for the challenges of being a step-mom. I am truly a better (& happier) step-mom because of this book.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted January 7, 2003

    head and shoulders above the rest

    I've read many guides and attended a seminar on stepfamilies to help prepare myself before I become the stepmom to two wonderful little girls. So far, that preparation has been so discouraging that I started to doubt the wisdom of going forward! But then I found Enlighted Stepmother. Finally, a positive perspective that acknowledges the courage and integrity of those of us selfless enough to accept and love others' children. Even if we may not feel "love" for them, we act in a loving way as we help raise those little people. This a truly helpful guide that smashes the stereotype of the stepmother as a second class women. This book will help you realize YOUR personal potential, not try to squeeze you like a square peg into a broken family. My applause and gratitude to the authors!

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  • Anonymous

    Posted January 31, 2001

    For ALL stepmothers -to-be!!

    Excellent book with very practical help. All women considering marrying a man with children should read this, along with their significant other (doing this has really helped both of us understand the special issues we absolutely have to talk about).

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  • Anonymous

    Posted October 23, 2000

    Solid Advice!

    I strongly recommend this book to anyone contemplating the role of stepmom. It helps you get a handle on what kind of emotional issues youre up against, but dosen't take away hope. There is also lots of practical information about fincances, logistics and the law that can help you be proactive. This book made me feel understood and more in control.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted July 20, 2010

    No text was provided for this review.

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