Read an Excerpt
Stupidest Bloopers and Hilarious Headlines
By Richard Benson, Robert Smith
Summersdale Publishers LtdCopyright © 2011 Summersdale Publishers Ltd
All rights reserved.
Dinner Special Steak £8.00 Chicken £4.00 Children £2.50
Get rid of aunts in your house: Zap kills them dead in 24 hours.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once and you'll never go anywhere again.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
For Sale:2,000 pound wench
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it for you.
Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Try our herbal remedies. You can't get better.
Wanted: man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Reserve tickets for Andrew Lloyd Webber' shit musical.
Ford grandad for sale. £900ono
For sale. Lovely rosewood piano. Owner going abroad with beautiful twisted legs.
North Wales Advertiser
FOR SALE: Eight puppies from a German shepherd and an Alaskan hussy.
Used tombstone. Perfect for someone named Hendel Bergen Heinzel.
WASHING DONE — in my home including bachelors — Write Box 223 Call Chronicle.
PARKYNS — to the memory of Mr Parkyns, passed away September 10. Peace at last. From all the neighbours of Princes Avenue.
If the motion were passed, no strike action would be taken by NALGO without a ballet of all its members.
Bristol Evening Post
Wrap poison bolles in sandpaper and fasten with scotch tape or a rubber band. If there are children in the house, lock them in a small metal box.
Complete home for sale: two double, one single bed, dining room, three-piece suite, wireless, television, carpets, lion, etc.
WOMAN WANTED to share fat with another.
Children Shot for Christmas. A photographer's advert in the
Time Out promoted a'Master of Arts Degree in Deviancy'at Middlesex Polytechnic.
Lesbian, 35, non smoker, loves horses, seeks same for friendship.
Personal ad in [Spare Rib
Please save from destruction, three kitchens in desperate need of good homes.
Classified ad in South Wales Evening Post
City printers seek works manager, medium-sized but expanding.
Evening NewsCHAPTER 2
FAUX PAS AT THE PRESSES
Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off considerably after age 25.
Army vehicle disappears after being painted with camouflage.
Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
It turned out that it wasn't Mr Stone's regular doctor that treated him — just a young locust taking his place while he was on another call.
Remains found at the site are believed to be that of a Roman worrier.
A close colleague of the prime minister suggested he was beginning to show signs of metal fatigue.
A heavy pall of lust covered the upper two-thirds of Texas last night and was expected to drift south-east over the state by morning.
Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted.
When your flowers begin to fade, stand in two inches of hot water.
Split and warmed and served with our cheese you will be the envy of your guests.
From a catalogue for a New Hampshire store
The new lizard, 21 in. long, is said at the zoo to be settling down well. It is described by a keeper as being as lively as the cricketers that are part of its favourite diet.
A celebrated soprano was involved in a serious road accident last month. We are happy to report that she was able to appear this evening in four pieces.
'The defendant is a married man with a young family; otherwise he is well behaved,' said a police representative.
New Zealand paper
Amazing luck in the Irish Sweep fell to a Kentish man who drew two tickets and a Sussex woman.
Mr and Mrs Wyglass of New York have completed their holiday at Angus. They have been shooting tenants at Burgh House.
Anyone can plant radishes; it takes courage to plant acorns and wait for the oats.
Boy Scouts Association Weekly
Impressed by the courtesy and friendliness of their Spanish-speaking guides, the Chileans reciprocated by inviting a number of air station offi cers to a farewell party aboard the Esmeralda on Tuesday evening. The Esmeralda sailed from San Francisco on Tuesday morning.
In Jonesboro, Arkansas, winds which reached eighty miles per hour caused minor property damage, and at Beebe, Arkansas, Mrs Sally Hill twisted her home from its foundations.
The season for grass fires seems to have arrived, so stamp out that cigarette end before you throw it down.
Herne Bay Press
A reception immediately followed the ceremony with paper and flowers decorating the table, with the traditional tire wedding cake.
A cup of good English tea, with a few biscuits, is frequently his only food at breakfast, and this after he has devoured all the morning newspapers at nine o'clock.
Congratulations to Mr Ralph L. Cobham on the girth of a son, who arrived on Wednesday.
It is a curious sight when the gardens are in bloom to watch dozens of artists squatting on their easels.
Mike McGrew, deputy US Marshall in Oklahoma City has carried his son's first baby as a good luck charm for thirteen years. He has had it hanging on the rear-view mirror of four automobiles and, during the war, kept it in the socks of his army uniform.
New Jersey paper
PEANUT-BUTTER GRILLED CORN —
Husk fresh corn; spread ears lightly with peanut butter. Wrap each ear with bacon slice; fasten with toothpick. Place on grill, turning until done — about 10 minutes. Or let everyone grill his own ears, using long skewers to do so.
The American Weekly
It is extremely difficult to tell the age of a snake unless you know exactly when it was born.
Anyone who breaks the law is at risk of being arrested.
Contra Costa Times
The ladies of the Merry Oldsters enjoyed a swap social on Friday evening. Everybody brought along something they no longer needed. Many ladies brought their husbands with them.
Pennsylvania PostCHAPTER 3
LAPSE IN CONSECRATION
THE ASSOCIATE MINISTER UNVEILED THE CHURCH'S NEW TITHING CAMPAIGN SLOGAN LAST SUNDAY: I UPPED MY PLEDGE — UP YOURS.
DON'T LET WORRY KILL YOU. LET THE CHURCH HELP
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Tuesday at 4 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Green who has Mrs Green with him. After the service, we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the first Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
MRS JOHNSON WILL BE ENTERING THE HOSPITAL THIS WEEK FOR TESTES.
Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers will please meet the pastor in his study.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early, and listen to our choir practice.
REMEMBER IN PRAYER THE MANY WHO ARE SICK OF OUR CHURCH AND COMMUNITY.
The service will close with 'Little Drops of Water.' One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
THIS BEING EASTER SUNDAY, WE WILL ASK MRS BROWN TO COME FORWARD AND LAY AN EGG ON THE ALTAR.CHAPTER 4
MILK DRINKERS ARE TURNING TO POWDER
William Kelly was Fed Secretary
Hospitals are Sued by Seven Foot Doctors
PANDA MATING FAILS; VET TAKES OVER
DRUG BARON HIDES CRACK IN PANTS
Council to Stamp on Dog Mess
Mayor Fights Erection in Town Square
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
SUN OR RAIN EXPECTED TODAY, DARK LATER
Use Head to Avoid Teen Pregnancy
Weapons Found in Police Raid on Gun Shop
Water Shortages at Fire Scene — Firemen Forced to Improvise
WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE
CONVICTS EVADE NOOSE AS JURY HUNG
Miners Refuse to Work After Death
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
THIEF GETS SIX MONTHS IN VIOLIN CASE
Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS
Red Tape Holds Up New Town Hall
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
HADDOCK TRIED FOR MURDER
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Fireproof Clothing Factory Burns to Ground
FISH NEED WATER, FEDS SAY
ONE-ARMED MAN APPLAUDS THE KINDNESS OF STRANGERS
Seven Judges Sit on Maid's Case
STRIP CLUBS SHOCK — MAGISTRATES MAY ACT ON INDECENT SHOWS
USA WINS 1-1
Headline from the New York Post after the World Cup tie between England and the USCHAPTER 5
DON'T FOLLOW THE SIGNS
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? If so, we can help.
Openseven days a week, and weekends too.
Why go elsewhere and pay too much? Come here first!
Get 50 per cent off OR half price, whichever is less.
BEWARE OF TRAINS GOING BOTH WAYS AT ONCE.
Notice at Durham level crossing
Let us quote a price to arrange your removal.
Sign in a Croydon furniture shop
PERSONS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO OCCUPY SEATS WITHOUT CONSUMMATION.
Notice in a Spanish cafe
This play will be repeated tomorrow night, so that those who missed it will have the opportunity of doing so again.
Sign outside a Dublin theatre
Hot and cold baths under personal supervision of the proprietor.
Notice in a Blackpool guest house
Free admission for old age pensioners if accompanied by both parents.
Sign outside a Scotish cinema
All water in this establishment has been passed by the manager.
Sign in a Dundee cafeteria
Leave your clothes here and go out and enjoy yourself.
Offer in an Edinburgh laundrette
Ladies are requested not to have children at the bar.
Sign in a Norwegian cocktail loungeCHAPTER 6
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient has no past history of suicide.
She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states that she was very hot in bed last night.
'The surgeon said he'd removed my momentum — the funny apron of fat that covers the intestines.'
Healthy-appearing, decrepit 6699-year-old white female mentally alert, but forgetful
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his aeroplane ran out of gas and crashed.
A transplant surgeon has called for a ban on 'kidneys-for-ale' operations.
She is numb from her toes down.
By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
Patient gets chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.
Nonverbal, uncommunicative and offers no complaints.
drink plenty of urine.
please feed patient only when awake.
The Worksop Bugle carried a news report about a man who'd 'recovered from a tuna of the kidney'.
The first essential in the treatment of burns is that the patient should be removed from the fire.
First Aid ManualCHAPTER 7
Graeme Souness went behind my back right in front of my face."
He's not the sharpest sandwich in the picnic."
He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
Colin Cooper on Paul Tito, New Zealand rugby player
I would like to thank the press from the heart of my bottom."
Who should be there at the far post but yours truly, Alan Shearer."
One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them — oh my God, what have I just said?"
US TV commentator
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."
I want all the kids to copulate me."
"Everybody line up alphabetically according to their height."
So, Woosie, you're from Wales. What part of Scotland is that?"
American journalist to Ian Woosnam during a 1987 press conference
An inch or two either side of the post and that would have been a goal."
He's got his hands on his knees and holds his head in despair."
He had an eternity to play that ball ... but he took too long over it."
McEnroe has got to sit down and work out where he stands."
These ball boys are marvellous. You don't even notice them. There's a left handed one over there. I noticed him earlier."
This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball."
I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back."
Grand Prix race announcer
Argentina are the second best team in the world, and there's no higher praise than that."
The most vulnerable area for goalies is between their legs."
Andy Ellis — the 21-year-old who turned 22 a few weeks ago ..."
Murray MextedCHAPTER 8
A chicken company's slogan, 'It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken', was translated into Spanish as, 'It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate'. Billboards throughout Mexico were emblazoned with the slogan along with a picture of the company's owner next to a chicken.
The car manufacturer Ford had difficulty releasing its Pinto in Brazil because pinto in Portuguese is slang for 'small male genitalia'. Similarly, the Vauxhall Nova struggled to sell in Spanish-speaking countries because in Spanish 'No va' means 'It does not go'.
When Pepsi first started exporting to Taiwan they decided to use the slogan 'Come Alive with the Pepsi Generation'. This was translated into Chinese far too literally as 'Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave'.
When advertising their new ballpoint pen in Mexico, Parker chose the slogan 'It won't leak or embarrass you' to front the campaign. Unfortunately they made the mistake of thinking the Spanish word for embarrass was embarazar so their slogan ended up reading 'It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant'.
Salad of the time
Selection of Catalan Sausages – quarter note and white
Soup of having cooked
Rape – the fisherman style
Greenness (according to the season)
You throw veal to the coal
Chicken to the ember
Catalan sausage with Jewish (Dry)
Ice creams 'he/she requests letter'
Honey and I kill
Tart of the house
COVERS AND APPETIZERS
'All I smelled'
To the pleasure or half and half
Menu in Richard Guise's travelogue
Two Wheels Over Catalonia
Umbro decided to use the German word for 'cyclone' as a name for some of their footwear. Unfortunately, the German word zyklon is also the name of the gas that was used in Nazi concentration camps.
The Dairy Association's slogan 'Got Milk?' was translated into Spanish as 'Are you lactating?'
Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: 'Nothing sucks like an Electrolux'.
American Airlines wanted to make customers in Mexico aware of the new leather first class seats available on their planes. They translated their 'Fly in leather' slogan very literally and Spanish readers found themselves asked to 'Fly naked'.
Excerpted from Enormous Boobs by Richard Benson, Robert Smith. Copyright © 2011 Summersdale Publishers Ltd. Excerpted by permission of Summersdale Publishers Ltd.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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