Essential Manners for Men: What to Do, When to Do It, and Why

by Peter Post

Overview

“A helpful manners survival guide for figuring out those sticky everyday situations.” —Joshua Piven, coauthor of The WORST-CASE SCENARIO Survival Handbook

The completely revised and updated edition of the New York Times bestseller that addresses the topics men really need to know to succeed in business and in life.

The name “Emily Post” is synonymous with etiquette, good manners, and decorum—and, with this newly revised and updated 2nd Edition of the New York Times bestseller Essential Manners for Men, Peter Post, Emily Post’s great-grandson and director of The Emily Post Institute, Inc., once again does the great lady proud. In this invaluable handbook, Post addresses the topics men really need to master to succeed in business and in life—how to act and to conduct themselves in a plethora of common and not so common circumstances in the office, at a wedding, on social media, when dating, etc. Essential Manners for Men, 2nd Edition is a book that belongs on the shelves of every man and the woman who loves him.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780062080417
Publisher:	HarperCollins
Publication date:	05/08/2012
Edition description:	Second Edition
Pages:	256
Product dimensions:	5.52(w) x 8.04(h) x 0.70(d)

About the Author

Peter Post, great-grandson of Emily Post and a passionate golfer, is the author of the New York Times bestseller Essential Manners for Men, Essential Manners for Couples, The Etiquette Advantage in Business (with Anna Post, Lizzie Post, and Daniel Post Senning), and his weekly business etiquette column Etiquette at Work in the Boston Globe. The father of two grown daughters, he lives with his wife in Vermont.

Read an Excerpt

Essential Manners for Men
What to Do, When to Do It, and Why

Chapter One

The Top Three Issues in Daily Life

The art of etiquette really comes down to being thoughtful of the other people you encounter in your everyday life. We all tend to associate "proper behavior" with formal social events -- but true etiquette involves behaving with respect and consideration for others in everything that you do, from attending a high-society soiree to simply hanging out around the house.

In fact, daily life is where men tend to run into more trouble than anywhere else. When the 750 women who responded to our recent Post Survey came to the question "What are the most annoying things men do in their daily lives?" we got quite an earful.

Here's a summary of the three main areas that our female respondents identified as their top hot-button issues when it comes to men and their everyday behavior:

Manners Matter

Opening doors. Putting down the toilet seat. Being on time. Not spitting. Taking off your hat indoors. Saying "Please" and "Thank you." Trying to be discreet and quiet when blowing your nose. These and other niceties may seem trivial to many men, but here's the scoop: it all matters. When you don't use the manners that people have come to expect -- failing to open the door for a woman, for instance -- it's not simply a sign that you're clueless; it shows a lack of consideration. That's what bothers women about men who don't have manners.

This brings us back to the essential guiding principle of this book: Good manners are not a matter of simply "following the rules." What's important is the reason underlying the desired behavior. Etiquette is about being considerate and honest with others. Manners matter, because manners are really about showing respect for another person. We hold the door for a woman not because there's a rule that says we should, but because it is an act of kindness and a way to make the woman you're with feel special. When you act in this spirit, she will know it and appreciate you for it. If you hold the door just because "that's the rule," she'll see right through you.

Helping Out Matters -- A Lot

Here's a simple technique for driving a woman nuts: take the dishes to the sink -- and then just leave them there. As one of our female respondents put it, "If you can carry them to the sink, why can't you take the time to put them in the dishwasher???"

According to the Post Survey, when it comes to helping out around the house, the modern male still has a long way to go. Those men who do help out at home scored higher in the category of "pleasing things that men do in their daily lives" than anything else, and by a wide margin. These men are role models for us all: they do the dishes, they do chores -- without being asked. They do the "manly" jobs like washing the car, mowing the lawn, taking out the garbage -- but they also help clean the house and do the laundry, and they don't leave a mess for someone else to pick up later. They clean up the counter and put away the fixings before they eat the sandwich they just made. They buy flowers "just because," or call her at work just to ask how she's doing. They give her compliments, unprompted. They hold hands. These guys are really good.

Why do women appreciate it so much? As our survey revealed, women perceive helping out as more than simply a matter of men doing their "assigned" chores or showing a little kindness. It's a matter of voluntarily taking responsibility and sharing the load.

Being Inconsiderate and Being Disrespectful Go Hand in Hand

Staring at other women. Talking down to women. Ignoring their opinions. Interrupting. Not introducing them. Simply ignoring them altogether. Walking several steps ahead of her rather than beside her. The Post Survey found that women don't simply view these behaviors as being rude or inconsiderate -- to women, they represent a fundamental lack of personal respect.

To be fair, most men's "inconsiderate" or "disrespectful" behavior is not intentional. Men frequently get lost in their thoughts and go to far-off places in their minds without even realizing the journey has started, or considering the consequences. That's when they get into trouble.

Consider the issue of looking at another attractive woman who happens to cross your path. I do this unconsciously, I admit. But when my eyes stop looking at my wife's, and my attention shifts away just as she is making an important point, she views this as a case of my not being attentive to her. And she's right -- my attention has wandered. Whenever a man "switches off" his thinking or wanders off on a mind journey, he runs the risk of looking inconsiderate and, by extension, disrespectful.

On a personal note, it scares me when I see what I've just written because I see some of myself in this description, and unfortunately it's not the good part. How long has it been since I made the bed in the morning? Why didn't I do those dishes from last night's dinner that were piled in the sink? After all, she made dinner. The least I could have done was clean up afterward. And I can't remember the last time I bought my wife flowers. Instead, I've been heard at the supermarket bemoaning the fact that she's picking out flowers and buying them for herself. Talk about clueless!

Now, I'm not all bad. I do clean any dishes still left in the sink each morning. I do remember to leave the toilet seat down. And I make coffee every morning and bring it to my wife in bed ...

Essential Manners for Men
What to Do, When to Do It, and Why. Copyright © by Peter Post. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.

Table of Contents

Preface: Men Want Answers xv

Introduction: They Just Snickered xvii

Part 1 Daily Life

1 The "E" Word 3

Etiquette Is … 3

Being Inconsiderate and Being Disrespectful Go Hand in Hand 5

2 The Top Three Issues in Daily Life 8

#1 Bad Habits Lead the List 8

#2 Making a Mess and Not Helping to Clean Up Matters-a Lot 9

#3 Acting in a Superior Manner Is Really Frustrating 10

Other Annoying Behaviors 10

The Top Three Most Impressive Things Men Do in Daily Life 11

3 Other Hot Spots 13

Seeing the Man in the Mirror 13

Sharing the Load 14

"What TV Show Are We Going to Watch?" 16

The Telephone 17

Passing Gas 18

Scratching What Itches 19

Attire 19

Hygiene 20

Pet Problems 21

When You're Not the Problem 21

4 Two Rooms That Can make or Break Your home Life 23

Clean Kitchen, Warm Heart 24

The Battle of the Bathroom 26

5 How Others View Us 32

Smoking 34

Chewing Gum 35

Spitting 35

Who Cut the Cheese? 35

Swearing 36

Women Swear and Men Gossip 37

6 A Man and His Car 38

Driver's Ed-iquette 40

"Don't Worry-I Know How to Get There" 41

7 In-Person Communication 43

La La Land 44

Quality of Voice 45

Listening Skills 46

Topics 46

Jokes 46

The Importance of Nonverbal Cues 47

8 Telephone Communication 48

Volume Control 49

A Revealing Question 49

The Cell/Smartphone 51

9 You Are What You Write-Warts and All 53

The Handwritten Note 53

The Stationery Drawer 55

E-mail Hell 56

Six Tips for E-mail Success 56

Texting: Danger, Danger, Danger 58

10 Meeting and Greeting 59

Greeting People 59

The All-Important Handshake 61

Making Introductions 62

Mr. and Mrs. or John and Mary? 66

11 Tipping 101 67

Appropriate Tips for Business and Professional Services 68

Tipping at Restaurants 70

Holiday Tipping 72

Tipping When Traveling 74

12 Working Out, or, Lost in Your Own Thoughts 76

Leaving a Pool of Sweat 76

The Unwanted Stare 77

Grunting 78

The "I'm More Important Than You Are" Syndrome 79

Hitting on Women in Midworkout 79

Your Personal Trainer Is a Person 80

Class Courtesy 81

13 the sporting life: on the field and in the stands 83

It's Okay to Want to Win 84

Do the Little Things That Matter 85

Cheatin' Charlie and Sandbagger Stan-The Scourge of the Course 86

Friendship vs. Changing the Foursome 87

A Friendly Wager 88

The Golden Rule of Spectating: Keep It Positive 88

Referees Are People Too 89

14 Parents and Kids 90

So Now You're a Dad! 92

Sharing the Responsibility 93

Coaching Your Own Kids 95

Spectating at Your Kids' Sports Events 96

The Soccer Dad 96

Part 2 Social Life

15 The Best and the Worst in social Life 99

The Most Impressive Thing Men Do: Use Good Manners 100

The Ideal Escort: Appreciative and Attentive 101

Dressing Smart, Smelling Fresh, Looking Good 102

Acting in a Superior Way-Men at Their Worst 103

Foul Language Foul 103

16 Dating-Just You and Her 104

Just You and Her 104

Remembering and Celebrating Special Occasions 105

The Importance of Flowers 105

Opening Doors 106

The Revolving Door Dilemma 107

Helping Her with Her Coat 107

Walking Together 108

Standing 108

Who Pays? 109

To Flirt or Not to Flirt? 109

17 On the Town 111

Sharing Expenses 112

Bar Etiquette 112

The Etiquette of Splitting the Bill 114

Small Grossnesses 115

18 The Good Guest 117

The Invitation 117

At the Party 120

The Hostess Gift 120

Thank You 122

19 entertaining at home 1 23

Cleaning Up-The Right Way 124

The K.I.S.S. School of Home Entertaining 125

The K.I.S.S. Meal Plan 125

Last-Minute Details 127

The Good Host 128

Potluck or Group Parties 130

20 Dinnertime 131

The Three Most-Asked Questions About Table Manners 132

A Quick Journey Through a Formal Dinner 134

During the Meal 136

At Dinner's End 139

21 The Houseguest from Hell 140

The Etiquette of Visiting: Be Clean and Helpful-and Share the Remote! 140

The Five Keys to a Successful Visit 143

Meeting the Parents 147

22 Social Media 148

Social Networking 148

The World of Online Dating 150

Online Gaming 154

23 The Big Day: The Wedding 155

The Guest: When You Are Invited 156

The Groom 161

Other Manly Roles at a Wedding 165

Part 3 On the Job

24 Top Three Issues for Work Life 171

The Three Most Annoying Issues in Work Life 171

Things Men Do Well in Work Life 175

Business Runs on Relationships 176

How Others See You 177

Coping with Layoffs 177

25 Five Cardinal Rules for your Job Interview 179

Don't Be Late 179

Be Prepared 180

Dress One Notch Up 181

Smile, Speak Clearly, and Look Your Interviewer in the Eye 182

Thank Them Twice 182

Five Interview Questions You Should Be Prepared to Answer 184

Five Questions to Ask During an Interview 184

Beware Your Online Presence 185

26 Building Better Relationships 186

Negative Behaviors Hurt Relationships 187

Choosing to Get Along 192

27 Office Communications 193

Face-to-Face 194

Business Phone Etiquette 197

Voice Mail 200

The Cell/Smartphone 201

E-mail 202

Letters and Memos 203

28 Everyday Business Manners 204

Gender-Neutral Business 204

Around the Office 205

Hygiene 209

Clothing 210

29 Business Social Events 213

The Business Social Mixer 214

The Business Meal 218

Afterword 221

Acknowledgments 223

Index 224

What People are Saying About This

Letitia Baldrige

“[Peter Post] has masterfully tackled a specific market that desperately needs his advice.”

Andy Spade

“...men should welcome this book.”

Joshua Piven

“A helpful manners survival guide for figuring out those sticky everyday situations.”

Editorial Reviews

...men should welcome this book.” — Andy Spade, CEO and creative director, Kate Spade LLC

“A helpful manners survival guide for figuring out those sticky everyday situations.” — Joshua Piven, coauthor of The WORST-CASE SCENARIO Survival Handbook

“[Peter Post] has masterfully tackled a specific market that desperately needs his advice.” — Letitia Baldrige

“. . .tells men, in a readable and unscolding way, the basics of what they need to know.” — Chicago Sun-Times

“. . .a fast-paced and witty guide to help men handle everyday situations.” — Charlotte Observer

“. . .a sensible, realistic guide for men on how to relate to others with grace, courtesy, and charm.” — Elegant Weddings magazine

From the Publisher

. . .a sensible, realistic guide for men on how to relate to others with grace, courtesy, and charm.

Elegant Weddings magazine

[Peter Post] has masterfully tackled a specific market that desperately needs his advice.

Letitia Baldrige

...men should welcome this book.

Andy Spade

. . .tells men, in a readable and unscolding way, the basics of what they need to know.

Chicago Sun-Times

. . .a fast-paced and witty guide to help men handle everyday situations.

Charlotte Observer

A helpful manners survival guide for figuring out those sticky everyday situations.

Joshua Piven

. . .a fast-paced and witty guide to help men handle everyday situations.

Charlotte Observer

. . .tells men, in a readable and unscolding way, the basics of what they need to know.

Chicago Sun-Times

". . .a sensible, realistic guide for men on how to relate to others with grace, courtesy, and charm."

Elegant Weddings Magazine