Everything About Me Is Fake . . . And I'm Perfect

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More About This Book

Overview

Everything About Me Is Fake is a fast, funny, name-dropping, incident-filled, sexy read about how the world's first supermodel doesn't even feel close to perfect and never did--despite appearances to the contrary. Even when Janice Dickinson was being stitched into clothing and having her boobs taped together to be a Cosmo cover girl, she heard only the words of her pedophile father, who always told her, "You'll never amount to anything. You're a loser because you're a girl." The book explores how women spend their lives striving for the unattainable, trying to look like they walked off the pages of a magazine with Jennifer Aniston stick-straight hair bouncing in the breeze and Cover Girl smiles hiding the pain. Janice tells us what's real about beauty and what's not, and how women don't have to be slaves to the pictures they see on the glossy pages of Vogue. She discusses why we need to feel perfect, and how our pasts, our unattainable ideas of beauty (thanks to Hollywood), and male expectations all collude to make women feel like they should be working towards the next major makeover before next year's model steps up to the bed. Yet she is also convinced that the world does need to glam up a bit, so Janice offers real tips for both men and women, drawing on the bizarre tricks of the trade that she learned while modeling all over the world. She knows what anyone can do to easily fake in order to feel and look as perfect as possible--and without spending a million dollars or living in an operating room. She offers every beauty trick in the book--not the ones you’re used to reading, but real, concrete tips that will make anyone feel better in a matter of minutes. Janice also includes more illustrative anecdotes from her personal life that she didn't include in her first book, No Lifeguard on Duty: she's the girl who prepped JFK Jr. for Caroline, who stole Trump's limo, got Bruce Willis to a good plastic surgeon, and made Warren Beatty mad because she was prettier than he was. But along with the wild tales of partying and bed-hopping, she tells us what it was like to strive for perfection, and fail. Her way to kill the pain of that failure was pills, booze, sex, and rock stars, until that lifestyle came crashing down around her. When you’ve spent a lifetime trying to be perfect and having it all cave in, the next question is perfectly simple: "Now what?" The answers to that question surprise even Janice, a woman who isn't easily shocked.

Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780060554705
  • Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
  • Publication date: 9/5/2006
  • Edition description: REPRINT
  • Pages: 272
  • Sales rank: 857,287
  • Product dimensions: 5.60 (w) x 8.60 (h) x 0.80 (d)

Meet the Author

Janice Dickinson is the world's first supermodel. She has appeared on the cover of every fashion magazine in the world and is the author of No Lifeguard on Duty and Everything About Me Is Fake . . . and I'm Perfect. A former judge on CW's smash hit America's Next Top Model, she lives in Beverly Hills, California, with her two children.

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments ix
Perfliction 1
Part I Modeling 17
1. Going All the Way for Perfection 21
2. Starving for Beauty 33
3. Are All Models Lesbians? 45
4. War Stories from the Beauty Front Lines 49
5. The Good Old Days of Debauchery 63
6. Dealing with Backbiting Bitches (Even the Ones in Your Own Mind) 71
7. The Perfect Career Comeback 81
8. How I Feel About the Modeling World Now 93
Part II The Circle of (Social) Life 99
9. My Teenage Wasteland 101
10. Men, Age, and Perfection 115
11. My School of Discipline 123
12. Perfect Men Who Have Captured My Fancy (or Not) 141
13. Me and JFK Jr. 155
14. Not-So-Perfect Sex: Lust and Betrayal 161
15. Advanced Faking It for Men 171
Part III Looks and Beauty 175
16. The Perfect Body Image: Fat or Phat? 177
17. Toning Up Body and Mind--In a Hurry 181
18. Extreme Model Makeover (aka Janice Goes Under the Knife!) 189
19. In the Butt, Bob 197
20. Dressed to Maim 199
21. How I've Helped the Famous and Infamous Be More Perfect 203
22. The Best Beauty Tips Ever 209
23. Emotions in Motion 227
24. Compulsives Anonymous 235
25. The Perfect Ending 245
26. The Kind of Love That Makes My World Perfect 251
Index 257

First Chapter

Everything About Me Is Fake . . . And I'm Perfect

Chapter One

Going All the Way for Perfection

How far will your average supermodel go to look fabulous before, during, and after the hot-hot days of a modeling career? Well, let's take a quick trek down Memory Lane to Perfection Junction because highlights like this -- well, they ain't pretty.

The Origins of Perfection

At age fourteen, naturally, I was no supermodel -- not just yet. But I wanted to be one, so badly that I practically slept with Vogue under my pillow. I guess I was hoping some beauty tips would invade my brain while I slept. Instead, I ended up with my first pair of fake boobs.

When I say I stuffed myself every day, I don't mean gorging on burgers and fries. I filled my training bra to the brim (or as far as those baby cups could go) with tons of good old-fashioned affordable Kleenex.

Now, remember, I grew up in Florida. That means 100-degree temps and 200 percent humidity -- so let's just say it wasn't exactly comfortable when all those tissues started getting moist and sticky. But I needed bigger boobs, and there was no way I was waiting around for Mother Nature's blessing -- much less for Victoria to reveal her secrets to me. At fourteen I couldn't really afford implants, so I did the next best thing and started reaching out to bathroom products. I never thought of it in my virginal state, but my slogan should have been Please don't squeeze the Charmin.

One night I took my toilet-paper-packing self to the high school basketball game. I remember feeling a little strange midway through the second half, a little ... lighter. Maybe skipping lunch is working! I thought.

Then, in a moment of horror, I looked down into the bleachers and saw a soggy, sweaty, melting ball of toilet paper on the floor below me. One of my counterfeit boobs had staged its own escape by leaping out of my bra and T-shirt. When I stood up to cheer the team on, I had one big tit and one nonexistent one, and there wasn't much I could do about it. In a million years I couldn't have endured that long, humiliating walk down the bleachers to hit the bathroom and wad myself up again.

Ever the clever girl, I thought of the next best thing to rectify the situation. When no one was looking, I carefully slipped off a Ped sock and, while everyone else was cheering for the Nova Titans, granted myself a new second boob. I was like the Bionic Woman: We can rebuild her! A few minutes later my clammy hands were raised in fists to cheer -- and my fake tits (both of them) were bouncing along for the ride.

That night, when my mother asked what I wanted for my next birthday, I surprised her. "Ten new pairs of Peds," I said. "But without the little pom-poms." No one had nipples that big.

Oh, the Horror

Okay, enough about my youth (for now, anyway). Let's pick things up in the backseat of a limo, circa 1980, after a Harper's Bazaar shoot for Gucci. I was making out with rocker Frank Zappa before we stepped out for dinner at the fabulous Russian Tea Room in New York City.

As the two of us strutted inside the place, all eyes were on my hot white jeans, which left little to the imagination. Somewhere between the antipasto and the second bottle of vino, I looked down and noticed something clammy between my legs -- something that had nothing to do with Frank. Perfect, hot, model-babe Janice had all of a sudden turned into just-got-her-period-all-over-her-Calvins Janice.

What to do?

Before Frank got a load of the problem and decided I needed a transfusion (yep, it was that bad), my brain went into overdrive. Suddenly my hand was spilling half a bottle of wine into my nether regions.

"Oh my God, Frank, you had me so hot I wasn't paying attention," I purred as $200 worth of booze soaked into my crotch. I could always get hold of another bottle of wine -- but at least this way I knew I wouldn't end up as the bleeding girl on one of his anthology albums!

Out of Africa, Into a Mess

I went to Africa once on a shoot for Playboy, and my body was crying out for a hunky native. Since the only one in sight had what looked like a large bone through his nostrils, I opted to focus on myself and my other need: relief for my dehydrated body. Hearing my cries for some spa activity, my handlers suggested I go roll around in a mud bath. All I could think was, Why not? Sounded like a cheaper, more rustic version of the $300 mud wrap they offer at any Ritz Carlton.

Well, it was a tad more Farmer in the Dell than I expected. In fact, it was a giant mud pit. Sure, it was sort of interesting to feel that cold, smooth clay go into places previously reserved for men I invited into my bedroom. The downside was, I couldn't get the mud out of those private spots, no matter how high I reached or how hard I tried.

Eventually I found myself in photographer Peter Beard's tub, which was actually a rusty tin can in the middle of this hog ranch where we were shooting. On the plus side, though, Peter's servants did bring pots brimming with hot, steamy water to get the mud out of ... well, I'll leave that to your imagination. At least I could finally claim I was earthy.

Everything About Me Is Fake . . . And I'm Perfect. Copyright © by Janice Dickinson. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.

Customer Reviews

Average Rating 3.5
( 12 )

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Sort by: Showing all of 12 Customer Reviews

  • Anonymous

    Posted November 21, 2005

    If you buy it don't complain about it

    when you buy this book you know what you are getting yourself into. Janice talks about the highs and rock bottom lows in her life and her lows are disgustingly low. and someitmes her highs will make you feel sick. if you are interested in this book then you must know a little bit about janice and about how obnoxious she is well thats what the book is. despite all that she is a very very interesting person adn someone should do a study on her. i liked it but then again i like messed up people

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  • Anonymous

    Posted June 29, 2004

    THE BEST BOOK I'VE EVER READ

    Janice has a great sense of comic timing, and her stories ring true even to someone who is not a supermodel. Her chapter giving women advice on men is a classic that every woman should be made to memorize in junior high.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted May 24, 2004

    She's too sexy for herself!

    Pleeeez! I don't know how many times she had to remind the reader (and herself) that she was the worlds 'first supermodel'. Come on,...I know of at least five or six more that were/are more popular than she. This whole book was about how sick she is, how wonderful she is, and she makes nasty, tacky remarks about plus size models...like being normal or over weight is a bad thing! I promise you that most of the plus size models, feel better about themselves than this anorexic nut case! No Janice (a.k.a. 'Big Dog')...I am not over weight, and at 119 and 5'4' I am happy with myself...I actually eat food not paper for lunch! I want my money back!!!!

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  • Anonymous

    Posted July 19, 2004

    SOO AWFUL

    This book made me feel sick and sorry for her. She jumped around like crazy and only talked about how obsessed she is with herself. This book was completely disorganized and I had a hard time understanding what her point for writing it was. She went on and on about eating absolutely nothing like it was a good thing. The way she wrote sounded just like the way she probably speaks. It was a tacky, tasteless, poorly written book with too much filth, and bad name dropping (I don't care that you dated 'Sly' be done with it already!) She should stick to modeling if she still can. Yikes, don't read this, and if you must, do it in Barnes but don't waste your money!!!

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  • Anonymous

    Posted May 21, 2004

    LADIES, YOU GOTTA READ THIS ONE!

    This book was fabulous. Janice bares it all and does so in such a humorous way, that you will be feining to read more. Her stories are ones that we can all relate to and her words of wisdom are priceless.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted May 22, 2004

    horrible

    On and on and on she goes with the name dropping and the shoving down our throats of how wonderful she (thinks) she is...personally, i was embarrassed for her, reading this last grasp at fame by someone who (falsely) claims she was the first 'supermodel'...had she never heard of cheryl tiegs, christie brinkley or renee russo???...unless you love this woman as much as she loves bragging about herself, don't waste your time on this one

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  • Anonymous

    Posted June 3, 2004

    A Great Summer/Beach Read

    Yes, she does remind us relentlessly that she was the world's first supermodel, but that's okay. I wasn't expecting Kafka, Tolstoy, Hemingway, you get my drift. The book was funny, tongue in cheek and most of all a great read for any young lady who dreams of becoming a model or fantasizes about it. The modeling world is not a pretty one and she gives it to you straight.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted May 3, 2004

    Great Read!!

    I read Janice's first book and loved it! It gave such a great look into the world of modeling, good and bad. Her second book does the same and offers up the other side of modeling that some people don't know or don't want to know. I think this is a great book for any woman who feels she can never live up to the 'perfect' image that she is constantly bombarded with on the cover of every magazine. Janice Dickinson ROCKS!!!

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  • Anonymous

    Posted March 20, 2011

    No text was provided for this review.

  • Anonymous

    Posted June 6, 2009

    No text was provided for this review.

  • Anonymous

    Posted October 26, 2008

    No text was provided for this review.

  • Anonymous

    Posted October 4, 2011

    No text was provided for this review.

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