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When my wife and I got pregnant in July 1989, I was the happiest I'd ever been. That pregnancy, labor, and the birth of our first daughter was a time of incredible closeness, tenderness, and passion. Long before we'd married, my wife and I had made a commitment to share equally in raising our children. And it seemed only natural that the process of shared parenting should begin during pregnancy.
Since neither of us had had children before, we were both rather ill-prepared for pregnancy. Fortunately for my wife, there were literally hundreds of books designed to educate, encourage, support, and comfort women during their pregnancies. But when I began to realize that I, too, was expecting, and that the pregnancy was bringing out feelings and emotions I didn't understand, I couldn't find any books to turn to. I looked for answers in my wife's pregnancy books, but information about what expectant fathers go through (if it was discussed at all) was at best superficial, consisting mostly of advice on how men could be supportive of their pregnant wives. And to make things worse, since my wife and I were the first couple in our circle of close friends to get pregnant, there was no one else I could talk to about what I was going through, no one who could reassure me that what I was feeling was normal and all right.
Until fairly recently, there has been precious little research on the man's emotional and psychological experiences during pregnancy. The very title of one of the first articles to appear on the subject should give you some idea of the medical and psychiatric communities' attitude toward the impact of pregnancy on men. Written by William H. Wainwright, M.D., andpublished in the July 1966 issue of the American Journal of Psychiatry, it was called "Fatherhood as a Precipitant of Mental Illness."
But as you'll soon find out, an expectant father's experience during the transition to fatherhood is not confined simply to excitement--or mental illness; if it were, this book would never have been written. The reality is that men's emotional response to pregnancy is no less varied than women's; expectant fathers feel everything from relief to denial, fear to frustration, anger to joy. And for anywhere from 22 to 79 percent of men, there are physical symptoms of pregnancy as well (more on this on pages 53-55).
So why haven't men's experiences been discussed more? In my opinion it's because we, as a society, value motherhood more than fatherhood, and we automatically assume that issues of childbirth and childrearing are women's issues. But as you'll learn--both from reading this book and from your own experience--this is simply not the case.
Who, Exactly, Has Written This Book?
When Jennifer Ash approached me about collaborating with her on The Expectant Father, we agreed that our goal was to help you understand and make sense of what you're going through during your pregnancy. That's an important goal, but one that is clearly dependent on your partner's being pregnant. A good understanding of your partner's perspective on the pregnancy--emotional as well as physical--is essential to understanding how you will react. It was precisely this perspective that Jennifer, whose son was born only a few days after my second daughter, provided. Throughout our collaboration she contributed valuable information and comments not only about what pregnant women are going through but also about the ways women most want men to stay involved.
A Note on Structure
Throughout the book, Jennifer and I try to present straightforward, practical information in an easy-to-absorb format. Each of the main chapters is divided into four sections as follows:
What She's Going Through
Even though this is a book about what you as an expectant father are going through during pregnancy, we felt it was important to summarize your partner's physical and emotional pregnancy experience as well.
What's Going On with the Baby
This section lets you in on your future child's progress--from sperm and egg to living, breathing infant.
What You're Going Through
This section covers the wide range of feelings--good, bad, and indifferent--you'll probably experience at some time during the pregnancy. It also describes the physical changes you may go through, as well as the ways the pregnancy may affect your sex life.
Staying Involved
While the "What You're Going Through" section covers the emotional and physical side of pregnancy, this section gives you the specific facts, tips, and advice on what you can do to make the pregnancy yours as well as your partner's. For instance, you'll find easy, nutritious recipes to prepare, information on how to start a college fund for the baby, valuable advice on getting the most out of your birth classes, and tips about how to be supportive of your partner and stay included in the pregnancy.
The book covers more than the nine months of pregnancy. Jennifer and I have included a detailed chapter on labor and delivery and another on Cesarean section, both of which prepare you to understand and help your partner through the birth itself. Perhaps even more important, these chapters prepare you for the often overwhelming emotions you may experience when your partner is in labor and your child is born.
We've also included a special chapter that addresses the major questions and concerns you may have about caring for and getting to know your child after you bring him or her home. And finally, we've included a chapter called "Fathering Today," in which you'll learn to recognize--and overcome--the many obstacles contemporary fathers are likely to encounter.
As you go through the book, remember that each of us brings different emotional baggage to our pregnancies, and that none of us will react to the same situation in the same way. You may find that some of the feelings described in the "What You're Going Through" section in the third-month chapter won't really ring true for you until the fifth month, or that you have already experienced them in the first month. You may also want to try out some of the ideas and activities suggested in the "Staying Involved" sections in a different order. Feel free.
A Note on Terminology
Wife, Girlfriend, Lover . . .
In an attempt to avoid offending anyone (an approach that usually ends up offending everyone), we've decided to refer to the woman who's carrying the baby as "your partner."
Hospitals, Doctors . . .
We realize that not everyone who has a baby delivers in a hospital or is under the care of a medical doctor. Still, because this is the most frequent scenario, we've chosen to refer to the place where the baby will be born as "the hospital" and to the people attending the birth (besides you, of course) as "doctors," "nurses," "medical professionals," or "practitioners."
As a rule, today's fathers (and prospective fathers) want to be much more involved with their children than their own fathers were able to be. It's our belief that the first step on the road toward full involvement is to take an active role in the pregnancy. And it's our hope that when you're through reading The Expectant Father--which is the book Jennifer wishes she could have bought for her husband when she was pregnant and I wish I'd had both times my wife and I were pregnant--you'll be much better prepared to participate in this important new phase of your life.
Anonymous
Posted January 26, 2006
My husband would never write a review, so i'll just do it for him because we've discussed this book in detail many times. This book was EXACTLY what he was looking for in a 'for dad's-to-be' book! I read it, too, and it really does present practical, realistic advice and information from a man's point of view and talks about some issues that women typically don't focus on while they're pregnant. I found it useful as a discussion-opener because my husband didn't really get into all my 'for mom's-to-be' books and it really opened my eyes to some things that were going on in his head. And i appreciated that it didn't go into pregnant-woman-bashing for the sake of a laugh, like many of the for-mom's books unfortunately seem to do about men.
6 out of 6 people found this review helpful.
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Posted April 8, 2010
I Also Recommend:
As a first time father, I found this book to be helpful and an easy read. I am following along month by month, and it helps to have a guide to help your wife during her more difficult moments. Recommend this highly!
5 out of 5 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.I am only 20 years old and going through my first pregnancy. We originally had another "expecting father book" but it was trash, I mean it was so sarcastic- you couldn't part the facts from the jokes, none of it made sense and it was so degrading, it made me sick. When we bought this book, my husband was zoned in immediately. I was sick that same night we bought it and he was running all over the place telling me not to do this but to do that... It was very helpful and I recommend this book. Other books we've looked at have almost portrayed men to be stupid and this book does not. This book was easier to read then my book even, and there were some facts in there that I still haven't found in my expecting mother book.
4 out of 4 people found this review helpful.
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Posted August 3, 2005
This book was wonderful. My husband and I both read this book. It has great humor to it and covers a lot of issues that a female's pregnancy book doesn't. Money, sex, the raging hormones and changes to MY body from a mans point of view. My husband claims that this book put him to (well some point of) ease about pregnancy and a child. I ABSOLUTELY recommend this book, to both mothers and fathers to be.
3 out of 3 people found this review helpful.
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Posted June 29, 2005
The book was recommended by a friend. I am not the type to read about how to be a dad. The book was GREAT. I kept telling my wife 'My book told me that would happen'. It was not just about physical things. It helped me deal with the mood swings and everything else before and after our son was born. I have purchased the book for every one of my friends that is a soon to be dad for the first time. MUST HAVE IT
3 out of 3 people found this review helpful.
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Posted January 5, 2005
I got this book when my wife was pregnant with our first child. It really helped me to understand what she was going through and what to expect before my wife did. It did all this in a fun and informative way, and in layman terms that men can understand.
2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.
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Posted February 19, 2000
As a Dad-to-Be, I found The Expectant Father to be informative and interesting. My wife and I had already encountered many of the issues discussed in the book and I was happy to see that for the most part, I seemed to be doing the right things. The suggestions for staying involved and maintaining open communication provided ways for my wife and I to participate together in 'our' pregnancy. I especially liked the monthly descriptions of the baby's development. It gave me a clear picture of what he was looking and doing as each month of the pregnancy progressed. If you are looking for a good 'couple' book, I also recommend We're Pregnant! by Cindy and Eugene Kappler. It provides a very realistic look at life as an expectant couple.
2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.
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Posted February 21, 2010
I really just felt that all the other general purpose pregnancy books that are geared to couples and women have the same information for men. I didn't feel that this additional book was needed. Most of it was what was already in the other pregnancy books the my wife and I have. If you are interested in reading those books, as they are much more detailed about the pregnancy and what the baby and mother are going through, there is nothing new or additional in this book.
1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
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Posted May 22, 2007
I bought this book for my husband. He is lost with this being my second pregnancy, but the first for him. I've been there done that so I know what to expect. As we were going through this book, I was noticing that it doesn't give women a say in their own pregnancy. He started to tell me what was going to happen when I go in labor and how I was going to do things. The book is based off of this one person's experiance, not what different people could experiance. So if you have a husband that you let run every aspect of your life get it, if you would like a say, stay far far away from this book.
1 out of 7 people found this review helpful.
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Posted February 18, 2004
My husband and I are newly pregnant, and he has already read this book cover-to-cover. I have read it, too, and learned a lot - it covers areas that most pregnancy books don't, such as finances and being a working parent. I am so happy that this book exists, because it has given my husband the tools he need to really be my partner throughout this exciting time!
1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
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Posted April 7, 2001
A terrific book for 'expectant dads' during the first nine months. Too often, fathers feel like second bananas during their wives' pregnancy, and they don't get as involved with the kids as they'd like to. We need a lot more books that will help new dads become happily involved with their babies from the very beginning!
1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
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Posted November 25, 2012
Great book & very helpful!
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Posted January 14, 2012
My husband has bought this for every one of his daddy-to-be friends. He's heard nothing be great reviews from the friends he's given it to. Not only that, but it was the only birth and beyond book that he read from start to finish.
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Posted October 8, 2010
I have tried to purchase this "ebook" a few times on my Iphone and have been unbelievably unsuccessful. If you are looking for this book, i would suggest the paperback version as trying the ebook will result in a customer service phone call of at least 30 minutes. I have not had any problems with barnes and noble in the past but may be trying the amazon app from now on.
0 out of 2 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.We give this book as a gift to every new dad we know, whether he is family or friend. It enables the expectant fathers to read from a man's point of view what is going on.
0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
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Posted December 18, 2004
Funny, easy to read, and informative. I would reccommend it to any father-to-be!
0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
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Posted January 4, 2010
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Posted July 13, 2010
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Posted April 3, 2011
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Posted August 17, 2010
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Overview