F My Life

F My Life

4.4 96
by Maxime Valette
     
 

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Today, my boss fired me via text message. I don’t have a text messaging plan. I paid 25 cents to get fired.

Your girlfriend dumped you, your car broke down, your boss passed you up for the big promotion. Life’s not fair, but there is one sure-fire way to ease your pain–laughing at someone else who had an even worse day than you did.

Overview

Today, my boss fired me via text message. I don’t have a text messaging plan. I paid 25 cents to get fired.

Your girlfriend dumped you, your car broke down, your boss passed you up for the big promotion. Life’s not fair, but there is one sure-fire way to ease your pain–laughing at someone else who had an even worse day than you did.

Enter the devastatingly funny world of F My Life, where calamity is comedy. Covering every disastrous pratfall in love, work, family-life, and more, F My Life proffers other people’s ruinous, real-life happenings to brighten your gloomiest day: someone getting dumped through a greeting card, ignored at their birthday party, or insulted by their own grandmother. Spanning everything from ironic twists of fate to down-right shameful moments, F My Life’s squirm-inducing stories are schadenfreude at its finest. So today, take solace in knowing that at least you’re not that guy. There now, don’t you feel better?

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. I cried and told him that I loved him. He gave me a quarter and told me to call someone who cared. I threw the quarter in his face and ran. I waited for the bus, but when I got on, I realized I was 25 cents short of the fare. I walked home in the rain.

Today, my mom walked in on me looking at a 1978 Playboy. She asked if I found it in the basement. I said yes. Then I realized she was the centerfold.

Today, I got in line at the grocery store. The woman in front of me looked right at me, turned to her friend, and said “That reminds me, I forgot to get acne cream.”


From the Trade Paperback edition.

Product Details

ISBN-13:
9780345520111
Publisher:
Random House Publishing Group
Publication date:
06/09/2009
Sold by:
Random House
Format:
NOOK Book
Pages:
288
Sales rank:
663,818
File size:
4 MB

Read an Excerpt

A Short History of FML 


It all started in a chat room. A few buddies in France got into the habit of telling each other the crappy things that had happened to them that day–what made their day completely suck. The forum then became a blog in January 2008, and we named it Vie de Merde (“Shitty Life”). As interest in these stories began to reach a wider audience, the website grew and grew, and we just knew we had to welcome the entire English language aboard our mission. Fmylife.com soon had visitors from all around the globe. Quickly we realized something very interesting: that the same kind of shitty events occur all over the world, every day, to all sorts of people. There is a kind of solidarity among all countries when it comes to misfortune. We are all in a big, international pile of crap. We are in it together, the one sad worldwide universality in life. 

We can definitely say that it is all Maxime’s fault. He started all this by messing around on the Web, coming up with the concept and then the French website. Guillaume later joined him to help out, and after a while they asked Didier to take part in the F My Life adventure. This is how the whole thing started and continues to carry on. 

We’d like to thank the literally thousands and thousands of people who had the requisite sense of humor and self-deprecation to send us their tales of troubles and strife. It’s become a gold mine of crap and embarrassment, and it’s amazing. But working in a mine, you have to push that little bit harder to extract the real gems, which is now our full-time job. Of course, the joy of finding a new story that makes us smile or laugh is still fresh for all of us. This is gold, people! 

Keep it up! 

Enjoy! i

Moments of Shame 



Embarrassment, rejection, getting unceremoniously dumped–some of us are used to such occurrences by now and have nearly turned them into a new art form. In small doses, shame can be a good thing; it teaches us to be humble and provides an instant cure for arrogance. If those who have survived the worst are able to tell their story, it means they’re still standing. (Sort of.) Which just goes to show that self-mockery might be one of the world’s most useful survival instincts. . .

Today, thinking I was being very generous, I lent my jacket to my new co-worker. Maybe I should have checked my pockets first. I’m not sure that having three different flavors of condoms made a good impression. FML 

Today I was at work at the grocery store, and a woman pulled a cart toward me filled with chips, breads, lunch meats, and sodas. I said to her, “Looks like you’re going to have a fun party!” She looked back at me and said, “My mother just died. This is for after the funeral.” FML 

Today I ate at a friend’s house. When she left the table for a few minutes, her five-year-old son looked at me and said quietly, “You’re ugly!” When my friend came back, I told her what had happened. She scolded him briefly, and then the boy began to cry, shouting, “But she isn’t pretty!” FML 

Today my boyfriend was lying on top of me and looking at me with passion in his eyes. I thought he was finally going to tell me he loved me. But instead he said, “You have a booger.” FML 

Today I’m in Spain. In Spanish, I told my students that I was excited to be working with them. However, the form of the word for “excitement” that I used apparently refers to sexual excitement. So I actually told the kids I was sexually aroused to be working with them. FML 

Today while I was out having a drink with a pretty girl, she looked at my crotch and said with a smile, “There’s something burning down there.” I smiled back, but she was insistent. Cigarette ashes had set my trousers on fire. FML 

Today when I woke up, my husband was already out of bed. Thinking I was hearing him padding by in the hall, I shouted, “Get that cock in here right now!” A voice replied, “He’s gone out to get some bread.” It was my mother-in-law. FML 

Today I put my hand up in class. I forgot that I hadn’t shaved my armpits. FML 

Today a child sitting next to me on the bus pointed at me and asked, “Mommy, if it’s not a man and it’s not a woman, what is it then?” FML 

Today I had a job interview at a restaurant that was opening up. One manager asked me why I should be hired. I said I was more efficient than most people. When the interview was over, I left to find that I’d locked my keys in the car. It took all the managers to help me get my keys out. FML 

Today I decided to practice putting a condom on with my mouth. My roommate walked in on me while I was using my mouth to roll a condom onto a banana. FML 

Today I had the first meeting with my new bosses. We went to a restaurant for lunch. I choked on a piece of meat and couldn’t breathe. I had to take that piece of meat out of my throat with my fingers and then put it back on my plate all chewed up. FML 

Today I played in a tennis tournament. After winning, I went to shake my opponent’s hand. He didn’t react or move. It was only the first set. FML 

Today I was walking through Borders bookstore with my girlfriend when we passed a stand selling Girl Scout cookies. I saw a box of Samoas, my favorite, so I pointed to them and shouted, “YEAH!” My girlfriend looked shocked. Behind the box of cookies was a nine-year-old scout bending over, with her bottom pointed at me. FML 

Today I had an important appointment for a potential job. During the interview, my cell phone rang. My ringtone is the theme song from Inspector Gadget. FML 


From the Trade Paperback edition.

Meet the Author

Maxime Valette was born on April 30, 1988, in Reims, France, the area where champagne is produced. There has hardly been a time in his life when he hasn’t had a computer keyboard at his fingertips. He began programming when he was nine years old and creating websites at eleven. He started a business at fifteen and sold it at eighteen to found Beta&Cie, through which he created the VDM website (the French version of FML). Besides computers, his hobbies are music, TV, and wine.

Guillaume Passaglia was born on January 28, 1982, somewhere on the Côte d’Azur. He likes polar bears and enjoys vodka martinis (shaken, not stirred). He is an IT engineer, part-time photographer, and keen sportsman. He is also an unfaltering Internet games fanatic, but is now involved in another kind of game–directing several international companies. He is also in charge of the spotlessness of the studio apartment where the VDM and FML team meets to plot out the future. He likes perfection, and his ultimate goal is to one day beat Didier Guedj at tennis. 

Didier Guedj was born in Paris, many years ago. After studying international business and landing a job in marketing, he quickly realized that he’d be better off working as a full-time musician. He began by creating jingles for advertising campaigns. He then became creative director of several ad agencies, before finally founding his own agency. Overseeing brands such as Heineken and Dunlop, as well as several French perfume manufacturers and best-selling books, he has been the brains behind more than a hundred ad campaigns. He claims to be the devil. 


 About the Illustrator


Marie “Missbean” Levesque was born on September 6, 1982, in Paris, France. After graduating from high school and spending three years training to become an architect, she is now a full-time illustrator. She lives and works in a small, oneroom apartment in Paris, but plans on moving soon into a castle in the south of France. Marie likes beer and chocolate, and she spends her spare time taking close-up photos of insects, as well as watching movies while asleep, which is the main reason that she can never remember the end of any of them.    


From the Trade Paperback edition.

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F My Life 4.4 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 96 reviews.
boredism13 More than 1 year ago
If you've ever felt sad or pissed at your life, this is the perfect book. this book makes you forget about your on life and lets you laugh about other people who are brave enough to admit there sad but entertaining lives. it may sound mean to do, but if it was so terrible they wouldn't put it up to make a book. its one of the greatest books you can get and you always find one you can relate to.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
FML took the internet by a small storm. I'ts funny, a bit devastating, and it makes you feel good. I highly reccommend this book to anyone with a decent sense of humor. If you don't mind laughing at the expense of others, this is sure to bring a smile to your face and a ray of sunshine to your less unfortunate life. :)
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
This is a great read. It really got me going a few times. I would rcommend it to others, especially those who might not be having the best year.
TeeTee101 More than 1 year ago
I love this book i just bought it and read it 3x. Its funny and the small sections are very easy to read. There are some cute pictures in there too, so it seems like a simple comic book for grown ups.
Kataman1 More than 1 year ago
I picked up this book based on Amazon's recommendations and found it to be mostly entertaining. All the little stories are about a paragraph long and after you have read several of them you can usually guess how they will turn out. I found that my daughter was very familiar with the F My Life website, which is where the whole thing started. It is a place where people post mostly embarrassing things that happened to them. The book's author's searched through these entries and culled out what they thought were the best for this book. Some of the tales are downright histerical but most are just embarrassing. Many of these embarrassing items are where people are overweight and someone has said something to embarrass them or they deal with people that are not so "attractive" and this is pointed out to them by others, usually children. This book is pretty good for killing time as you can pick it up, read a bunch of the stories and then put it back down until the next opportunity you have (like when you are waiting in the dentist office). This is generally not a book to just sit down and read cover to cover as it starts to grate on you if you read it for too long (I recommend no more than half hour intervals).
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
i've never laughed so hard before in my life. i highly recomend this book for those who want a laugh
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
This was a good read, though I kind of expecred more than 88pagws for 12 dollars• Altogether though it was a very good book
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Funny as hell...a must read!
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Most awesome book ever! I read it 3x its so so good.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I want to get it!!! Its kind of expensive though....
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Love the site.. Now I can laugh at other people's lives without wifi!
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