F. U., Penguin: Telling Cute Animals What's What

Interviews & Essays

V: Okay, I'm ready, thanks. Please explain to the nice people the idea of F.U. Penguin.
MG: Cute animals like to pretend that they don't know what they are doing to us when they walk funny, play with small objects, or eat something they are holding in their paws. But we all know they know exactly what they are doing: making me love them, which is complete crap. The idea of first the blog, now the book, and soon the five-part movie event, is to make sure that these animals know they are destroying the proper order of society and if they don't stop doing what they are doing there are going to be serious consequences.

V: That is the best idea I have ever heard. How did you come up with it?
MG: Well, I've always been more talented than other people, so the whole thing came pretty naturally. Cute animals have had life pretty easy for a really long time, particularly penguins. I mean, can you think of any animal that has an easier life than the emperor penguin? So I thought it was about time to show them what the deal was.

V: Do you expect any backlash from the Penguin Lobby because of your brave revelations in this book?
MG: I think it was Gandhi that once said, "If the Penguin Lobby isn't mad at you, you aren't living life to the fullest," and for once I agree with him. I'm not afraid of penguins, and I think it's time we told the fat cats in Washington they shouldn't be either. Look, I'm not against saving animals, I've donated money to the SPCA and the WWF. But I've done it with the expressed desire to only give aid to animals that are either notably unattractive or humble enough to show off their cuteness in their own homes or certain designated areas away from children and the disabled. Penguins need to understand that the best way to get our help isn't through waddling into our hearts, but through a well-reasoned appeal to our brains. If they don't want to engage with us on a rational level as adults, then that's their problem.

V: What about the other animals that are featured in the book? Has there been any backlash among species such as pandas, giraffes, or killer whales?
MG: I've heard some rumblings here and there, but overall, the animal kingdom has been fairly supportive of my efforts. I think they realize that this is a small minority of them that I am calling out; I really try not to generalize where it isn't warranted. Let's be reasonable, no one likes swans. Many swans don't even like swans. They are flashy, egotistical jerks. Animals are also aware of the effect this cute-based relationship is having on their communities, and many species have started to treat this type of behavior as the addiction that it is. Let's face it, there's a huge rush the first time your photo is plastered all over the internet with misspelled words that you supposedly wrote yourself. But it's one thing to do it in college as an experiment, it's another thing to spend your life posing and prancing like some of the animals I feature. That's when it becomes just as damaging to them as it is to us. I hope this book is a wake-up call for these troubled souls.

V: You say you don't generalize but it does seem like, based on the book, you believe certain species are more prone to taking advantage of the current system than others?
MG: Yes, that's absolutely true. But that's why pandas deserve a much more harsh condemnation than, say, armadillos. Now, I happened to encounter an armadillo in a bucket that was looking at me funny. Am I going to call out that armadillo? Absolutely. But I'm not going to generalize and say that every armadillo that gets in a bucket is going to give me the same uncalled for look. I'm sure most armadillos would turn to me and say "You're absolutely right. I'm an armadillo in a bucket, and that is total bullshit." Pandas, on the other hand, are bred from a very young age to hate America and everything she stands for, which is why they must be stopped.

V: Books based on blogs are often criticized as being lazy. How did you not only avoid this problem, but create one of the great products of human work of our time?
MG: I knew penguins were banking on the conventional wisdom here, so it was important to step my game up. The all-penguin section was a natural move, but I'm sure you agree that I really began to set the standard for the printed page when I decided to go with a section on domestic animals. A full one third of the 100 posts are new, and I've included little-known facts about each animal. Ideally, I want this to be useful as a textbook in elementary schools nationwide, and I think I've passed that hurdle pretty convincingly.

V: Did you have to do a lot of research for these facts?
MG: Well, a lot of the material is being revealed here for the first time ever. Now, some of that is because the people who discovered these characteristics were sitting on the evidence, either because they were too afraid or because a lot of their funding was coming from the very animals they were studying. But a good portion of it was obtained by my own forays into the animal kingdom, supplemented by anonymous tips from animals sympathetic to the cause. Some of the revelations here are going to be pretty shocking to a lot of people, but most of it is widely known within the animal world, where books like mine are much more popular and widely distributed.

V: Are you pleased with how well people have been receiving the humor in the book?
MG: What do you mean?

V: Well, are you happy that people find the book so funny?
MG: I don't understand the question.

V: Moving on, you mentioned that there was a domestic animal section of the book. Do you have any pets of your own?
MG: I've had a number of emails from animals over the past year offering to move in with me and show me that animals can be responsible cohabitants that interact with you on a strictly professional level. But so far none of their references have checked out, as previous owners have reported infractions ranging from belly production to interspecies comingling. I hope to one day find a pet that doesn't expect me to bend over backwards for him or her at the first sign of fur, but until that day comes, I will remain alone in my quest.