Read an Excerpt
1. Before-play —
Whether you’re in a relationship, you’re single, or have just met someone new, you need to know about seduction and foreplay. Both are essential to a pleasurable and fulfilling sexual relationship. It may come as a surprise that I’m talking about seduction for people already in an established relationship. Believe me, this applies just as much to you as to singles and new lovers.
Much of what lies behind dissatisfaction in a couple’s sex life is due to the fact that they’ve forgotten how to seduce each other. They are often guilty of skipping foreplay altogether – instead going straight to the already established pleasure zones that once turned on their partner but which may no longer do so. I aim to revive the neglected art of seduction!
Starting from the first time you lay eyes on someone right through to 10, 20 or even more years down the road, the key to keeping an active sex life is never forgetting to treat your lover as someone worthy of seduction. And as someone who deserves foreplay. Easy things to forget once you’ve added a mortgage, bills, household chores, career moves, children, in-laws, etc, to what was once new lovers with a fabulous sex life and only each other to be concerned with.
Having clarified that I’m going to treat it as if you’re reading Fabulous Foreplay with fresh eyes regardless of whether you’re single, have recently met someone or are in a partnership, I hope you will treat it this way too. When I introduce certain ideas and techniques – such as my thoughts on seduction and concepts relating to being attracted to someone – even if you’ve been with your partner a long time, it’ll help remind you why you fell for them in the first place. That’s incredibly important because at this point in time you may be looking at them with rather jaded eyes – and that’s not seductive or sexy. With that in mind, let’s begin with the background to seduction.
In coming chapters I’ll share with you a huge variety of techniques to tease and please your lover with and stimulate their six sexual senses. I’m going to give you a unique way of looking at foreplay and seduction by showing you how each one of these wonderful senses – including the sixth sexual sense that I’ll introduce you to – plays an important part in sexual enjoyment. But first let’s take a look at the term I coined a number of years ago called ‘Before-play’. This is terribly important as it sets the whole scene, establishes the entire background, for how you feel about seducing someone. In my many roles of agony aunt, sex advisor, life coach and psychologist, I came to realise that people get hung up on having sex with little thought to the whole feeling, energy and ambience of their relationship specifically and life generally.
Whether you’re aiming to seduce someone new or you want to have sex with your long-term partner, Before-play is important to your success and enjoyment. Here are a couple of examples to illustrate this.
Example One: You’ve just met someone new and you’re looking forward to the exciting date you’ve got planned tonight. Just as you’re about to leave the office, your manager throws a file on your desk and says you’ve got to complete the work in it before you leave. As you’ve recently missed a few deadlines you feel you must do as the manager asks. This leaves you rushing late to the date without any time to freshen up or change your clothes. You arrive feeling stressed and overwhelmed with the pressure you’ve just been under. Do you think you’re likely to make scintillating conversation? Are you going to flirt in a carefree manner? And will you be focused on this new person’s life and interests? The answer to all three of those questions is a big fat ‘No!’
Example Two: You and your partner had a big argument in the morning before leaving for work about an unpaid credit card bill. You’re extremely angry with him or her for overlooking it and now the interest has to be paid on it. You’re both already strapped for cash and this makes you fume. You tear into each other instead of working together on such matters. That night your partner wants to make amends and slyly thinks a good way would be to have ‘make-up’ sex and tries to seduce you. Are you in the mood for sex? Do you even want them to touch you? Again the answer is a big fat ‘No!’
What Do These Illustrate?
That Before-play is important. That the way you’re feeling and any aspect of your life can affect Before-play. These examples demonstrate the ways that very different things in your life can affect your sex life. Quite frankly, if you’re stressed from work you’re hardly going to make a good impression on a hot new date. Or if you’re arguing over bills you’re not going to look at your partner with lust. These are only two of thousands of potential examples I could give you to illustrate why people need to think about Before-play. And the fact that Before-play comes into action long before you seduce anyone or start engaging in foreplay.
The Sex Doctor’s Prescription For Feeling Fabulous
What arouses you? Knowing how your body responds is terribly important when it comes to foreplay. Lie back in a warm candlelit bath or snuggle down between soft, warm sheets. Close your eyes and gently stroke your breasts/chest, abdomen and thighs. No genital caressing yet!
What to Consider in Your Before-play Zone
Think of Before-play as a pleasurable, comforting and positive ‘zone’ that you exist in. It directly affects you – and if you’re in a relationship it also affects your partner. Just as their Before-play zone affects you. It makes all the difference to feelings of lust and love towards another person – no matter how attractive and new. When it comes to seducing someone and enjoying foreplay, it’s definitely a deciding factor. And it holds the key to whether or not you feel any desire or arousal. Here are the major things you should consider that will affect your Before-play zone.
Any stresses and strains in your relationship will affect your Before-play zone or ‘BPZ’. These may be ongoing differences or something that’s just flared up. It could be that you disagree about how to spend your weekend, whose family to visit, how much money should be spent on your new kitchen, who does what around the house, or if you dislike your partner’s best friend. Your BPZ will also be affected by much more subtle differences. For example, it could be that one of you feels slightly neglected by the other or thinks that they put more into the relationship. Any little irritant or major crisis that isn’t acknowledged and dealt with will affect whether or not you have an interest in seduction, foreplay and sex.
Your Work and Other Responsibilities
Your relationship may be solid and loving, or you may be single and interested in someone new, but if your work or other responsibilities are causing you problems, they will affect your BPZ. Don’t underestimate the power that work issues have to permeate every aspect of your emotional life, in turn having an impact on your BPZ. Whether it’s work or some other major responsibility that takes up your time and energy, you need to recognise the negative effects it can have as illustrated in the example given above.
People are surprised when I ask about their physical health when discussing their sex life. All sorts of subtle and not-so-subtle things affecting your health will have a direct impact on how much you want to meet someone new, how much you desire your partner, and how you are around them – sexy, seductive or a big turn-off and not interested anyway. Obviously, any disease or medical problem – a heart problem, diabetes, even a broken leg – will affect your mood. Also, there are side effects of medication that affect sexual arousal and desire. Even if you’re simply under the weather you’re not going to give out a very positive love-vibe when you go to a singles event. Or if the only thing you want from your partner is a hot drink and a hug – not fabulous foreplay or even a seductive look.
The lifestyle you lead can have anything from very subtle effects on your BPZ to very obvious effects. The easiest way to illustrate this is to think about a man who has drunk too much and gets classic ‘brewer’s droop’ – no matter how much he wants sex he can’t get an erection to have it. That’s an extremely obvious example but any lifestyle choice will affect your BPZ. If you smoke, drink too much, are overweight, party till dawn and don’t get enough sleep, or get stressed over things – these are all lifestyle choices that change the way you feel and act towards your love-interest.
Your Children (If You Have Them)
There’s practically no greater potential passion-killer than having children. Yes, children are amazing – I have two myself and I love being a mother. But you must expect your Before-play zone to be severely interrupted if you’ve children of any age, particularly under-5s. Anyone who becomes a parent should not be ignorant of the fact that children affect every level of your life. Your emotional state and energy levels are particularly affected, and consequently your level of sexual interest and ability to create a positive BPZ.
The Sex Doctor’s Prescription For Feeling Fabulous
Make a date with yourself – and if you have a partner, with them also – to go out and have some carefree fun. See a romantic film, join a dance class, go on the swings in your local park! Letting go will enhance your BPZ.
Awareness Equals Action
You’re now aware of the type of things that can affect your Before-play zone and this means you can take action. Of course it might be that there’s an issue somewhere in your life that can’t be sorted out quickly. Also, new issues arise all the time – that’s part of life. But the important and positive thing to do is to discuss matters with your partner, if you have one. Or if you’re single and aware of ongoing issues, then you won’t let these things get on top of you when you’re meeting new people. Awareness means your BPZ will be far less affected. Whether it’s a piece of action you take to sort out a specific issue, or something ongoing that you simply need to learn to live with (but live with in a positive way), it’s how you deal with the matter that decides whether or not it affects your feelings of sexual interest, drive, desire and arousal, which in turn affect how you seduce someone and enjoy foreplay.
Being aware of your Before-play zone, and enhancing and nurturing it, are the very first steps to seduction and fabulous foreplay. Every day, develop an awareness of your life, what’s happening in it, what you put into it and how you make others feel. The more aware you are of every level of your life – and the way these levels interact – the better you’ll be at arousing someone’s interest and being aroused yourself.
This awareness means you’re ready to think about whom you are attracted to and how you can attract and seduce their six sexual senses. Let the seduction begin!