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Ben Stiller: Nice to see you in the Auditorium.
Janeane Garofalo: Nice to be here!
Janeane Garofalo: I'll second that emotion. And thank you.
Ben Stiller: I'd have to agree [with the Janeane compliment] even though I'm not a young woman.
Janeane Garofalo: We're working on another book called the THE GRAPES OF WRATH, about a farm family working for a better future. I think it'll be a great big hit.
Ben Stiller: I'm going to direct the movie version, starring Peter Fonda. But seriously, I think I could only handle one book tour a decade.
Janeane Garofalo: And even that's pushing the envelope.
Janeane Garofalo: I would have to agree. I would have to say he's right on the money with that sentiment.
Ben Stiller: My hair is a constant source of distress in my life. Janeane would probably consider this one of my more womanly traits.
Janeane Garofalo: The experience for me has been...well, I have found myself to be insufferable. The sound of my own voice has driven me to the brink of madness. I feel like any promotion I do or any appearance I make for anything is giving the public an opportunity to dislike me.
Ben Stiller: I would say that show business has really changed since I started back in 1948. On my first book we took over a train car and traveled across the country, stopping to do live readings for people who would gather behind the caboose.
Janeane Garofalo: It was called CRACKER BARREL, and it was good, old-fashioned stumping -- standing on a tree stump in the late '40s and reading from his book -- and the public seemed to love it back then, but they're not as polite now as they used to be back in the days of train-car travel.
Ben Stiller: I have to say I much prefer cyberstumping.
Janeane Garofalo: When you work you cover them with makeup unless the part allows for them. But you can sort of be typecast because a lot of casting people don't have great imagination, so if you come in with tattoos they see you as "hard core...she couldn't possibly play this role." They can't project your tattoos covered with makeup.
Ben Stiller: I got my tats on the soles of my feet so there wouldn't be any problem in that regard.
Janeane Garofalo: Nor can he be buried in a Jewish cemetery from now on. He has a tattoo of his actual face on his face but you can't see it.
Janeane Garofalo: Our book can take you to a population called circumstance.
Ben Stiller: Population: real.
Janeane Garofalo: And that's the end of the line, baby.
Janeane Garofalo: It just serves to make one feel worse knowing that at the height of her pregnancy, when she does reach the height of it, I will still weigh twice as much as her, and she is nearly six feet tall, and I'm five foot one. And I'll still be about 100 pounds heavier than her. So if it elicits that response out of the public, I applaud her yet again.
Ben Stiller: It's not Cindy Crawford's fault she's a hot babe.
Janeane Garofalo: It's my fault.
Ben Stiller: No, it's no one's fault.
Janeane Garofalo: Heaven must be missing an angel, that's all I can say.
Janeane Garofalo: "Crash" by Dave Matthews and "How Soon Is Now" by the Smiths elicit painful memories of unrequited love.
Ben Stiller: For me, I'd have to say "I'm Your Boogie Man" is a song I could go the rest of the my life without hearing.
Janeane Garofalo: And the "Yale Fight Song."
Ben Stiller: It's just too raw.
Ben Stiller: I'll take credit for that. I thought up the Fastermations.
Janeane Garofalo: It was intended to rhyme with "consternation" and "I love my nation."
Ben Stiller: No, it was actually intended to rhyme with "procrastination," which is what I spent most of my time doing when I was supposed to be writing the book.
Janeane Garofalo: That he really should have kept up with his "don't ask, don't tell" policy concerning the vagina.
Ben Stiller: Make sure you write down that Janeane said that. I think he could probably...
Janeane Garofalo: And that smoking is bad for you. Stay away from the cigars. Smoking kills.
Ben Stiller: He should check out the table of contents. There are a couple of chapters that might be helpful to him, especially "Getting Your Rocks Off...Can Start an Avalanche."
Janeane Garofalo: I was ordered to do stand-up comedy by royal command -- the queen actually got me into stand-up. And the first joke I ever wrote was, "Do you have Prince Albert in a can? You better let him out before he suffocates!" And then I wrote, "Is your refrigerator running?" And the queen loves that s**t. Loves it. And I have performed in the UK and bombed miserably with Denis Leary and Colin Quinn. Just bombed. In 1990 I was in England bombing...royally.
Ben Stiller: Hold your horses there, Clancy.
Janeane Garofalo: Don't get the cart before the horse, Clancy.
Ben Stiller: Before the pony express heads out of Houston there, get your facts straight. Janeane and I are not, repeat not, an item.
Janeane Garofalo: "Whoa, Nellie," Clancy. We actually met at the Kentucky Derby in 1953. I was betting all my money on Pompous Delicate Condition.
Ben Stiller: And I had all my money on She's So Nasty to show. We met when we were both cashing our tickets at the bettor's booth.
Janeane Garofalo: And that's what they call it. That's the official term.
Ben Stiller: We both lost our bets but won each other's hearts. But, alas, the relationship was over by the Belmont Stakes.
Janeane Garofalo: Over by a nose.
Ben Stiller: Before you can say "Triple Crown."
Janeane Garofalo: Before you can say, "That horse just took a dump," it was all over but the crying...and there was crying.
Janeane Garofalo: No. I believe actors should never research a role nor memorize their lines.
Ben Stiller: I've yet to see the book displayed in a bookstore; in fact I am avoiding bookstores for the next three to four months.
Janeane Garofalo: And I still don't know how to read, although I am hooked on phonics.
Ben Stiller: Seriously, if just one person can become confused or outraged by the book, then I feel we've done our job.
Janeane Garofalo: And I say, if just one person finds our book funny, then we must be lousy writers and promoters of said book. And we owe Ballantine an apology.
Janeane Garofalo: Hence the Burns/Bahns Syndrome. Perhaps you missed the point of the comment.
Ben Stiller: I can say that I've met Bahns and she's pretty cute.
Ben Stiller: Yes. Actually, that was one of the ideas that we wanted to do to promote the book.
Janeane Garofalo: But we forgot.
Ben Stiller: I think that would be a really good idea.
Janeane Garofalo: I didn't know my grandmother had a hairdresser, but I agree with you -- she's a wonderful woman. Tell her "hi" and that I love her too.
Janeane Garofalo: I'd say there's unconditional love, and we get sick of each other.
Ben Stiller: But that's what unconditional love is all about.
Janeane Garofalo: I mean literally sick.
Ben Stiller: Janeane has thrown up on me several times.
Janeane Garofalo: I have an allergic reaction.
Ben Stiller: And I loved every moment of it.
Janeane Garofalo: I love it. He holds my hair back and he tells me, "That's a good girl." And that turns me on.
Ben Stiller: I'd be the one who commits suicide.
Janeane Garofalo: I'd be the barista at Central Perk.
Ben Stiller: Then I'd reprise the role of the bald girl.
Janeane Garofalo: Don't take any wooden nickels.
Ben Stiller: I'd say shut off your computers right now and go live your lives.
Janeane Garofalo: After you buy the book.
Ben Stiller: After you click on the book.
Posted August 12, 2002
I have never written an online book review before, but after reading ¿Natascha¿s¿ review I felt compelled to defend this book. If you are a fan, you will ¿get¿ this book, that is assuming that you ¿get¿ Stiller and Garofalo¿s humor. The reviewer writes ¿Somehow comedians Ben Stiller and Janeane Garofalo missed something or maybe it was me.¿- with out a doubt, it was the reviewer who ¿missed something¿ and that ¿something¿ is clearly a sense of humor. The review reads as if this person was legitimately looking for self help and was sadly disappointed in not ¿seeing the light¿ in a book written by 2 comedians. I read this book, I thought it was hilarious- you won¿t find it in the self help section. I enjoyed the book so much that I have sent the book to a couple friends and they had no trouble ¿getting¿ it.Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.
Posted November 1, 2001
This book has little to offer. Being a fan of Ben Stiller or Janeane Garofalo isn't enough to make anyone keep reading past the first 20 or so pages of this book. It starts off interesting but then goes into long and boring babble about - I don't even know. I think it was supposed to be some sort of humourous self help type book but is so hard to read, I couldn't even finish it. Somehow comedians Ben Stiller and Janeane Garofalo missed something or maybe it was me. Anyways, no matter how big of a fan or what you think this book may have to offer, don't buy it. These actors are paid well enough, keep your pennies in your pocket on this one. Glad I just got it out of the library and didn't buy it myself. I would be embarrased to have anyone see this book sitting on my shelf!Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.