Filthy Dirty Jokes: Uncensored Edition

Filthy Dirty Jokes: Uncensored Edition

by Platinum Press

THIS BOOK IS BETTER THAN SEX WITH A VIRGIN — IT WON'T BE OFFENDED IF YOU LAUGH AT IT! Is your mind in the gutter? Then congratulations — you're guaranteed to enjoy the totally tasteless humor of FILTHY DIRTY JOKES! Nothing and no one is sacred in this crass collection of over-the-top jokes about Bosses Husbands &


THIS BOOK IS BETTER THAN SEX WITH A VIRGIN — IT WON'T BE OFFENDED IF YOU LAUGH AT IT! Is your mind in the gutter? Then congratulations — you're guaranteed to enjoy the totally tasteless humor of FILTHY DIRTY JOKES! Nothing and no one is sacred in this crass collection of over-the-top jokes about Bosses Husbands & Wives Golf Old People Doctors Lawyers Animals Stupid People Viagra Politics Religion Kids Drunks ...And more! So check your political correctness at the door, and see how low you can go with Filthy Dirty Jokes

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Pocket Books
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4.10(w) x 6.70(h) x 1.10(d)

Read an Excerpt


The beer company held a contest to select a slogan for the new beer they had just developed. They advertised all over and received thousands of submissions.

The panel of judges finally settled on one particular entry — "Love on a Lake."

The president of the company said, "I like the name but I'm puzzled as to how the contestant selected this name. If he can explain the meaning, I'll be happy to award the prize to him."

When asked for the explanation, the winner responded, "Well, 'love on a lake' is f***ing close to water, and that's what this beer tasted like!"

After the annual office Christmas-party blowout, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me, what went on last night? Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful voice. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face. You said, 'He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!' And you did, all over his suit. And he fired you."

"Well, f*** him," said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

A company, feeling it's time for a shake-up, hires Marvin as the new CEO. As the new boss, he's determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, he notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and Marvin wants to let them know he means business. He walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

The young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300 a week. Why?"

Marvin hands the guy $300 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now get out and never come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, Marvin looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

One of the workers answers, "He's the pizza delivery guy."

A woman entered a pawnshop and asked to see a pistol. She then asked for some bullets. Loading the gun, she ordered the pawnbroker to empty out the cash register. But then she said, "I have an even greater urge. Get into the back room!"

There she ordered him to disrobe and began having sex with him. She got so involved that she dropped the gun.

"For God's sake, lady," he said, "pick it back up. My wife is due anytime now!"

Two business partners, both married, were taking turns having intercourse with their attractive secretary, Ruthie. As a result of such frequent screwing, the young lady became pregnant.

One partner, congratulating the other, said, "Ruthie had twins. Unfortunately, mine died!"

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the following day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, son, but I have some bad news — the donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "Okay then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What you gonna do with him?"

Kenny: "I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer: "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny: "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny: "I raffled him off. I sold five hundred tickets at two dollars each and made a profit of $898."

Farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny: "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.

A businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport, he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where a cab was waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home. He offered him his credit card numbers, his driver's license number, his address, all to no avail.

The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his wealth, returned to Vegas, and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well, whom should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?"

"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.

"And how much for you to give me oral sex on the way?"

"What? Get the hell out of my cab!"

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?"

The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks."

The businessman said, "Okay," and away they went.

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and a thumbs-up to each driver.

A guy phones his boss but gets the boss's wife instead.

"I'm afraid he died last week," she explains.

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.

"I told you," the wife replies, "he died last week."

The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss.

By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I've already told you twice, my husband, your boss, died last week! Why do you keep calling?"

"Because," he replied, laughing, "I just love hearing it."

Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees — always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.

Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees, and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work, and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.

So he sits in his office and watches them work.

Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the watercooler to get something to wash it down with.

Mr. Smith follows her to the watercooler, taps her on the shoulder, and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache."

At one ad agency, a guy in production was fired when they discovered he was the Xerox Flasher. Every morning he photocopied his privates, made copies, and left them in the secretaries' desks.

The boss said, "Hell, he's the only person in the building who isn't guilty of false advertising!"

His secretary said, "Well, not exactly."

The boss said, "Oh, God! Don't tell me!"

She said, "Yes, sir. He was using the enlarger."

A man with no ears is trying to find a new reporter for his news show. The first guy walks in and the boss says, "This job requires you noticing a lot of details. What is one thing you notice about me?"

And the guy says, "Well, shit! You got no ears, man!"

So the boss yells, "Get the f*** out!"

So the next guy comes in and the boss says to him, "This job requires you noticing a lot of details. What is something you notice about me?"

And the guy says, "That's easy. You got no ears!"

So the boss says to him, "Get the f*** out!"

As the second guy leaves, he sees the third guy about to go in and says to him, "The boss has no ears but don't say anything about them, he is really sensitive about it."

So the guy goes in and the boss says, "This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What is one that you notice about me?"

So the guy says, "You're wearing contacts!"

And the boss says, "Yeah, how did you know?"

So the guy replies, "Well, shit, you can't wear glasses 'cause you ain't got no ears."

Joan goes into Wal-Mart and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work. The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. All of a sudden, Joan throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!"

The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager. The manager comes up to Joan and asks, "What's wrong?"

She explains the situation with the toaster.

He tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, Joan throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "Grab my breasts!"

In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"

In a huff, Joan says, "Because I like to have my breasts grabbed when I'm getting screwed."

A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.

"If I were to give you $25,000, minus eighteen percent, how much would you take off?" he asked.

The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."

A man advertises for a secretary at $1,000 a week. He hires one.

He: "Now the first thing, take off your clothes and we'll make love."

She does not want to jeopardize her job, so she obliges the boss. When finished, he says, "You're fired. Here's a half hour's pay."

The prostitute wants to leave her employer.

The madam: "But why? You're the most popular girl in the house. Why, you go upstairs at least twenty-five times a day."

Prostitute: "That's just feet are killing me."

Memo from the secretary to the boss:

I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that you're not sterile.

The madam had assembled some of her girls for the men in town for the accountants' convention. "This is Dolores," she said, smiling. "For $250, I can promise you an exciting evening starting with a hot tub.

"And this is Connie, available for $375. She's rigged an Oriental Swing in her room.

"Now lovely Maria," she continued, "can be yours for both straight and kinky sex, including bondage. She's yours for the night for only $300.

"And if you take a fancy to tantalizing Jenny here, why she can — "

"Just a minute," interrupted one of the accountants. "Don't you have any generic sluts?"

A prosperous and somewhat amorous businessman propositioned a beautiful chorus girl of well-proportioned figure to spend the night with him for $500.

When he was ready to leave the next morning, certain things having transpired, he told her he didn't have that much money with him, but would have his secretary mail her a check for it made out with a memo of Rent for apartment, to avoid any embarrassment.

On the way to the office, however, after thinking the matter over carefully, he decided the night hadn't been worth what he'd agreed to pay. As a result, he had his secretary send a check for $250 instead and enclosed the following explanatory note:

Dear Madam:

Enclosed is a check for the amount of $250 for rent on your apartment. I am sending this amount instead of the amount originally agreed upon, because when I rented this apartment, I was under the impression that...

1.It had never been occupied.

2.There was plenty of heat.

3.It was small.

Last night I found that it had been occupied many times, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large!

Upon receipt of the note, the chorus girl immediately returned the check, with this note:

I am returning the check for $250. I cannot understand how you could expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied. As for the heat...there is plenty of it there if you know how to turn it on. As for the size, it's not my fault if you didn't have enough furniture to furnish it.

Copyright © 2005 by Platinum Press, Inc.

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